Don't know how to feel

MissMandyD · August 2014

I am in a very weird head space today and don't know quite where to go with it or how to feel.

One year ago today we lost our twin girls. I was 20 weeks 1 day and found out they had passed away at an ultrasound. I am so thrilled about this pregnancy and how much better everything is going but today I feel off and confused. No one knows or remembers the date and it feels so strange to just carry on with my normal work day with all of this confusion in the back of my mind. I feel happy and depressed but mainly just incredibly distracted. Any advice from the EAL ladies on how you handled days like this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for listening.

Glas43 · August 2014

No advice. Only prayers.

duckr · August 2014

I have no advice but *HUGS*
>:D<

MrsL2B · August 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find the best way to honor their memory.

saraheh007 · August 2014

I have no experience but want to send hugs. Allow yourself to take some time to mourn the loss of your twins today. Taking time to reflect on your loss isn't a reflection of your feelings about your current pregnancy.

I'm sorry you are dealing with these emotions and can't imagine how difficult it must be.

AmandaJean12 · August 2014

I'm sending a creepy virtual hug. I know it can be awkward to bring up, but is there a friend or family member, someone close by, who you can mention it to and get a real hug from? Maybe go get coffee or some chocolate with after work? Sometimes I think just not keeping it to yourself helps.

I think it's 100% normal to be a mix of emotions given the situation. Being sad about the little ones you lost doesn't take away from the happiness you feel for the little one that's coming. I had a friend tell me that a few months ago, and even though I obviously knew that in my head, it really helped to hear on hard days.

Liss1481 · August 2014

I'm so sorry. Big hugs for you

meggiev123 · August 2014

No advice, but sending a big hug and thinking about you today

pepperpotts317 · August 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself today. Lots of thoughts and prayers for you and your girls:

bumpuser10309732 · August 2014

PP's had some good advice. None from here just wanted to show my support. Big hugs to you today! I can't imagine the mix of emotions you must feel.

Saragoeswest · August 2014

I'm so sorry! This is an important day. I hope you can find a way to honor the twins and spend a little time grieving them today.

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

Sending you huge hugs today.

Our situations are incredibly different, but the 1 year anniversary of my TFMR was August 2nd. It was a very melancholy day for me, and for the days preceding and post, all I could think about was what it was like to walk into the hospital pregnant, and leave empty. I blocked that feeling out for so long, and then I suddenly found myself dwelling on it.

I didn't mention the date to anyone, not even DH, because I didn't want to bring him "down" where I was; I basically receded inward for a couple of days, was quite depressed and easily agitated.

I think how you get through this depends a lot on your personality - I've been meaning to write a blog, but I haven't found the mental or emotional energy to do it just yet. Perhaps take a walk tonight and give yourself the time you need to think about it, to remember, and to give the loss and grief their moments to exist, instead of being pushed to the back of your mind. Give them a time and space to exist, knowing that the time you are allocating is brief. Then, go home and do something for your LO - maybe do something in the nursery, or order a special outfit or toy.

Sending huge hugs your way and please know I'm here if you want to talk.

golfingdarwinfish · August 2014

Sending you huge hugs today.

Our situations are incredibly different, but the 1 year anniversary of my TFMR was August 2nd. It was a very melancholy day for me, and for the days preceding and post, all I could think about was what it was like to walk into the hospital pregnant, and leave empty. I blocked that feeling out for so long, and then I suddenly found myself dwelling on it.

I didn't mention the date to anyone, not even DH, because I didn't want to bring him "down" where I was; I basically receded inward for a couple of days, was quite depressed and easily agitated.

I think how you get through this depends a lot on your personality - I've been meaning to write a blog, but I haven't found the mental or emotional energy to do it just yet. Perhaps take a walk tonight and give yourself the time you need to think about it, to remember, and to give the loss and grief their moments to exist, instead of being pushed to the back of your mind. Give them a time and space to exist, knowing that the time you are allocating is brief and will not be all encompassing like when the wounds were fresh. Then, go home and do something for your LO - maybe do something in the nursery, or order a special outfit or toy. And, allow yourself to be held if that's what you need - cuddle into your DH and let him hold you.

Sending huge hugs your way and please know I'm here if you want to talk.

ADH0906 · August 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be remembering your angel girls today and thinking of you. Big hugs today.

ss265 · August 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. No advice but just wanted to know that you are in my thoughts.

lrobi13 · August 2014

No advice but big hugs.

ashie0610 · August 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

As is the case with all losses, my situation was different than yours, but I was having a rough time thinking about it recently and found it both painful and cathartic to read loss stories and quotes on the internet and just have a good cry all by myself. I genuinely felt better after I had let it all out. I'm sure it won't be the last time that happens, but for now I feel stronger.

raynes · August 2014

I have no advice, just hugs. I also want to say that I think the mix of emotions you're feeling is totally normal and ok. Just because you feel sad for what you lost doesn't mean you can't also be excited. I think taking time to feel your feelings isn't a bad thing.

MissMandyD · August 2014

golfingdarwinfish said:

Sending you huge hugs today.

Our situations are incredibly different, but the 1 year anniversary of my TFMR was August 2nd. It was a very melancholy day for me, and for the days preceding and post, all I could think about was what it was like to walk into the hospital pregnant, and leave empty. I blocked that feeling out for so long, and then I suddenly found myself dwelling on it.

I didn't mention the date to anyone, not even DH, because I didn't want to bring him "down" where I was; I basically receded inward for a couple of days, was quite depressed and easily agitated.

I think how you get through this depends a lot on your personality - I've been meaning to write a blog, but I haven't found the mental or emotional energy to do it just yet. Perhaps take a walk tonight and give yourself the time you need to think about it, to remember, and to give the loss and grief their moments to exist, instead of being pushed to the back of your mind. Give them a time and space to exist, knowing that the time you are allocating is brief and will not be all encompassing like when the wounds were fresh. Then, go home and do something for your LO - maybe do something in the nursery, or order a special outfit or toy. And, allow yourself to be held if that's what you need - cuddle into your DH and let him hold you.

Sending huge hugs your way and please know I'm here if you want to talk.

This is very good advice. Thank you.

victoria+james · August 2014

I'm so sorry

I feel like I know what you're going through... Today should be my due date and it feels like I'm the only one who remembers.

MissMandyD · August 2014

victoria+james said:

I'm so sorry I feel like I know what you're going through... Today should be my due date and it feels like I'm the only one who remembers.

I am sorry for your loss. It feels very isolating. I think that is the hardest part. I told a co-worker who I am close to and it felt good to share it with someone.

Emerald27 · August 2014

>:D<

MissMandyD · August 2014

Happyin14 said:

Our situations are very different, as always. But I was dealing with two anniversaries in the same week - my EDD for my miscarriage at 10 weeks and the day my two and a half year old son went to heaven. You've gotten some good advice which is that you need to do whatever works for you. It may be that others remember but are afraid to bring it up because they'll "make you sad". I had to tell my entire family that they cannot "make me sad", I just get sad sometimes. On the flip side, I also told them that when I'm happy and doing okay, you have to let me be happy and be okay. So - I have realized that I need to communicate my needs more than I expected.

The loss of Jack was obviously very different than my miscarriage but setting aside time to think about and mourn him all over again was very helpful. It makes me feel connected and makes me feel better, even when I'm crying.

And give yourself all the space you need to feel how you feel. Yes, having a healthy pregnancy is something to look forward to but that doesn't mean you have to be excited 24/7. You have more than one child and need time to "take care of" all of your children. All parents of more than one have to deal with this - being happy for one while the other might be struggling. Our juggle looks a little different but it's nothing to feel like we have to apologize or hide from.

My advice is to do something tonight when you go home to honor your twins. Talk with your husband or cry into a onesie you had for them or eat a giant bowl of ice cream. All and any of it is okay. But I find pretending it's not a thing that I'm feeling doesn't help anything.

Lots of hugs.

Thank you.

rlyttle · August 2014

So sorry! Xoxoxo maybe you can have a small memorial celebration tonight. Light a candle, have a special dinner, let off balloons, eat a special dessert, or something like that. Are you done with LO's nursery? Maybe spending sometime in there will make you feel better.

vrj0522 · August 2014

I am so sorry you are feeling sad! It's okay to do so and to mourn your little ones. I know it's hard to see the whole world running around as normal when it feels like it shouldn't. It should be mourning with you. <<hugs>> I hope you feel better as the day progresses.

JessAnnJ · August 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss.

BeckyH05 · August 2014

Lots of hugs to you today. I'm so sorry for your losses.

ANGnJON · August 2014

I have no advise but wanted to offer a big hug to you! I can't imagine the emotional toll & burden you carry! >:D<

ohioloveyou · August 2014

Sending you hugs today!

Klavanga74 · August 2014

Big hugs - I have no experience, but it looks like those who do have given some excellent advice. I'll be thinking of you today.

rae76 · August 2014

It's always a very awkward day for me as well. I lost my last baby at 25 weeks. I went in for a routine sonogram and there was no heartbeat. That was on a Wednesday and I went to the hospital on Friday to deliver and she was stillborn Saturday early morning.

It was in April 2013. My due date was in July and that was the hardest day...week actually. This year when her birth day came around, I was pregnant again. It was really hard to be happy about the one I was carrying because in some way I felt guilty about being happy. My family didn't know what to say really since I was pregnant but they all did eventually. Which made me feel both sad and happy that they remembered her. After she was born DH and I decided that each year we will make a donation to a charity or an organization in our community in her name sometime during April. It makes me feel better knowing that I did something to honor her.

Some say it's different than losing a child that had lived, but it's not really. There are no words to describe it. I've had 2 friends lose children that lived several years. We've talked before, the main difference is that they have happy memories and that even though difficult still gives them something to smile about when they think of them. In my case it's different because we all have hopes and visions of what our children will become, but when you lose a child the way we did it's almost like you are "haunted" (for lack of a better term) of what she could have been. It's like perpetually wondering.

I always wondered if I would ever be happy again or ever be "normal" again. There were so many feelings that I didn't know what to do with! One thing I know now is that you're never the same, but you do come out on the other side, and you do live through it, and you do smile again. I slow down more, and I thank God every day for my oldest son who has no idea how much having him to take care of helped me get through it all.

My heart goes out to you today. There's nothing anyone can say or do to make it better, but just know that what you are feeling is totally normal and let yourself feel it. Don't deny it.

MissMandyD · August 2014

rae76 said:

It's always a very awkward day for me as well. I lost my last baby at 25 weeks. I went in for a routine sonogram and there was no heartbeat. That was on a Wednesday and I went to the hospital on Friday to deliver and she was stillborn Saturday early morning.

It was in April 2013. My due date was in July and that was the hardest day...week actually. This year when her birth day came around, I was pregnant again. It was really hard to be happy about the one I was carrying because in some way I felt guilty about being happy. My family didn't know what to say really since I was pregnant but they all did eventually. Which made me feel both sad and happy that they remembered her. After she was born DH and I decided that each year we will make a donation to a charity or an organization in our community in her name sometime during April. It makes me feel better knowing that I did something to honor her.

Some say it's different than losing a child that had lived, but it's not really. There are no words to describe it. I've had 2 friends lose children that lived several years. We've talked before, the main difference is that they have happy memories and that even though difficult still gives them something to smile about when they think of them. In my case it's different because we all have hopes and visions of what our children will become, but when you lose a child the way we did it's almost like you are "haunted" (for lack of a better term) of what she could have been. It's like perpetually wondering.

I always wondered if I would ever be happy again or ever be "normal" again. There were so many feelings that I didn't know what to do with! One thing I know now is that you're never the same, but you do come out on the other side, and you do live through it, and you do smile again. I slow down more, and I thank God every day for my oldest son who has no idea how much having him to take care of helped me get through it all.

My heart goes out to you today. There's nothing anyone can say or do to make it better, but just know that what you are feeling is totally normal and let yourself feel it. Don't deny it.

Thank you and I am sorry for you loss.

megaddie · August 2014

When I had my first loss, I donated to March of Dimes in the name of Baby Blank (my surname)....I just wanted some acknowledgement of his/her
reality...much love to you. Sometimes, you just have to let those sad/ weird feelings run through you, I guess.

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