I intro'd a while back, at that time my BF and I found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant, trying to find a house, sell his, and plan a wedding. Everything changed again a few weeks ago when we lost the baby. We were able to slow down and focus on getting his house ready to sell instead of everything. Then on the 9th he proposed! So it is official, we are going to be a family of 6 soon. He has 3 kids and I have 1. Ages 13, 9, 7 & 3. mine is the baby.
I am very structured, routine based, and probably more strict, on some things. He is much more go with the flow. We are working on each giving a little to meet in the middle.
The reality of how difficult this will be is hitting me. We found out his ex has been saying things to his boys (9 & 7), and his daughter (13-he has sole custody) hadn't told him about what her brothers were hearing. We finally sat down and talked to her over the past few weeks, and she told us a lot. His ex is telling his boys that he is making a mistake. She is also calling him and telling him the boys feel uncomfortable around me, and that I am mean, or they don't know how to act around me.
I have been around the boys for a year and his daughter for well over a year. This is the first we have heard about any of this. I honesty think, that yes I am very different from their mom, which may make them feel "not comfortable". I also think that maybe this is coming up, because he told them he was going to propose, thereby killing any dreams of their parents getting back together.
I think this because the boys & I can have fun together. Once I get them going they will talk my head off. We play together, and they adore my son, and my son adores them.
Knowing all of this, it still sucks!! I hate that they think this, but I know all I can do is love them, and give it time, a lot of time.
Any tips, or good blogs on the process of blending families, discussions to have, etc. appreciated.
Here is a specific our counselor wants us to try and figure out: What will happen once we combine households and one child is either out of TV time, but not necessarily in trouble, what do you do? Do the other kids get punished and told to turn the TV off? Suggest a game outside? Send the one child to their room? I think this problem is arising from the fact that his kids watch a lot of TV, as he does. I do not. The noise makes me crazy, and it makes me crazier to see my 3 year old who is having fun playing, gravitate to the TV, just to be with the older boys, and then sit there like a zombie. Especially since what they watch is not what I really want the 3 year old to watch. (Not bad stuff, just too face paced for a 3 year old... IMHO)
His three plus my one; we are all excited to welcome a little one!
I think you nailed it on the head when you said you've gotta give it time. Lot of time. And then more time.
You can't control what the ex tells the kids. Period. All you can do consistently prove her wrong. And again, that takes time.
As for the TV thing, that's tough. My SD watches a lot of tv and when DH and I had LO, I stopped having the tv on so much, primarily bc LO is still under 2 so a lot of tv isn't recommended, but also bc it's my house, my house rules. Hopefully your SKs won't be phased by it much but if they are, unfortunately, they have to learn this valuable lesson in life: you're the kid, it's not your house, you don't pay the bills, your parents make the rules. So if you want the tv off for a while, then you shut it off. I'm sure your SKs have phones and iPads and all that matter of stuff, so they can play with those or go outside or do whatever they like to keep themselves entertained. And if they go home and complain to mom, then that's their prerogative but ultimately: your house, your rules. Let their mom take you in front of a judge and complain that the kids aren't allowed to watch tv all the time to your house - she'll get laughed out of the court room ;-)
Re: Re-Intro, Status change
You can't control what the ex tells the kids. Period. All you can do consistently prove her wrong. And again, that takes time.
As for the TV thing, that's tough. My SD watches a lot of tv and when DH and I had LO, I stopped having the tv on so much, primarily bc LO is still under 2 so a lot of tv isn't recommended, but also bc it's my house, my house rules. Hopefully your SKs won't be phased by it much but if they are, unfortunately, they have to learn this valuable lesson in life: you're the kid, it's not your house, you don't pay the bills, your parents make the rules. So if you want the tv off for a while, then you shut it off. I'm sure your SKs have phones and iPads and all that matter of stuff, so they can play with those or go outside or do whatever they like to keep themselves entertained. And if they go home and complain to mom, then that's their prerogative but ultimately: your house, your rules. Let their mom take you in front of a judge and complain that the kids aren't allowed to watch tv all the time to your house - she'll get laughed out of the court room ;-)