What are your thoughts? On sharing with others...

EmilieT10 · August 2014

I was wondering what all of your thoughts/opinions are on sharing info with friends and family about your experience. MH and I are fairly open with our close friends and family about the fact that we're going to an RE and are starting treatments to TTC. I work with a group of about 10 ladies (some I'm closer with than others), but they're all genuinely interested in how things are going with the process. Our family also occasionally asks what the latest is. We have 5 or 6 close couple friends that know we've been TTC for a while and we would like to share with them that we're starting IVF...if for no other reason than to at least let them know what's up if we seem to be MIA for a little while. I am finding it hard to remember who I've told what just because, as you all know, things change from week to week...sometimes day to day. I've also found that it's confusing to others (understandably, it's confusing enough to us) when we share about testing, meds, pretty much the process in general . Also, our diagnosis is MFI, so I would like to respect MH by not sharing his business with everyone we know. Did any of you keep friends and family updated and if so, how much did you share? I know a few people who said they would send out an email to family with updates and some who did a blog to share the latest with friends and family. Do any of you do this?

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Champs28 · August 2014

At first I didn't tell anyone: like not even my mother. Now both our moms know, our siblings, and my five best friends. I had to have surgery in June so I had to tell the people closest to me what that was all about. And honestly it's a huge relief now that it's out there! People are more sensitive, they don't ask constantly when I'm going to have a baby anymore, and I have shoulders to cry on.

EmilieT10 · August 2014

Champs28 said:

At first I didn't tell anyone: like not even my mother. Now both our moms know, our siblings, and my five best friends. I had to have surgery in June so I had to tell the people closest to me what that was all about. And honestly it's a huge relief now that it's out there! People are more sensitive, they don't ask constantly when I'm going to have a baby anymore, and I have shoulders to cry on.

Same here. I've found that I actually feel less stressed when I share with others. At this point, I've only shared with those who've asked.

BKBABY3 · August 2014

I also kept it very quiet at first, but am now more open about it with people I feel like I can trust. And I agree with the other posters who say it's been quite a relief to finally open up. I made things clear that I don't want to be asked about it all the time, and for the most part everyone has been respectful of that.

lebradford · August 2014

At first I was extremely closed off about it. I told one coworker (who I knew had done IVF herself) and my boss. A few months into seeing an RE I told my mom and dad. Now, 7 months into seeing an RE both of my close coworker, both me and my husband's bosses, parents, and siblings know, as well as a couple of friends. We aren't 100% open, but I'm definitely at the point where it's too exhausting to hide it and I'm probably going to just start telling people as it comes up in conversation. I think there are a lot of benefits of being open about it, though you have to be prepared for some insensitive remarks.

We don't currently have enough people interested to do a blog or anything, but I would probably consider it as we come out to more people. I think that would be a good way to keep people in the loop.

My only caution is to really consider if you want people to know exactly where you are in a treatment cycle. For example, I might tell someone that I'm doing IVF in the fall. I would not tell many people when exactly my cycle would begin and end because I don't want people calling me on beta day asking if the cycle worked, regardless of the outcome. I would want to build in at least a couple of weeks of leeway where we might be pregnant but people aren't asking about it yet. :-)

Lastly, the first place you might want to direct people you share with is the infertility etiquette article from resolve, with your personal boundaries. I tell people, "please read this article. Feel free to ask questions. I'll happily tell you what our plan is, but we're not sharing day-to-day updates of where we are in our cycle because (of the reason listed above)." So far that's worked fairly well.

curve31 · August 2014

I blog and email to friends and family. I don't mind talking about it but its easier to say it once and be done. Sometimes when people ask, I'm like "don't I have you email? lemme send you a link."

cautiouslydomestic · August 2014

Because I don't have much to tell, I haven't really told anyone. A few close friends are aware that we are trying, but none know it has been over a year. There is only one person that I have outwardly told, and I only told her after she asked for my help in charting, and one month later after receiving a BFN asked me how to go about seeing a "fertility specialist" because she wanted to have testing done. I wish I could talk to my mom about it (she has had two iui's), but that just isn't the kind of relationship we have. I would love to starting blogging, and I think that if you are willing to be open but don't want to have to constantly repeat yourself, its the way to go!

MrsS728 · August 2014

Only my mom, dad and best friend know that we are trying and having trouble. When someone asks, I usually say that we aren't trying right now, but in the future OR I just brush it off. I don't want a pity party, I don't want everyone looking at my tummy every month. When we do get pregnant, we will tell people. The reason we haven't told his mom is because she has a loud mouth and DH specifically didn't want to tell her.

bravegrace22 · August 2014

We have only shared with our closest friends who knew that we'd been TTC for a while and got into the same situation that you're describing. We kind of told them a little update aka "we've been diagnosed with infertility" and then made a website/blog for updates. It's been great and really well received. We have a page for appointments/results & upcoming procedures as well as one for a glossary of sorts. That way I can use acronyms in the main page and they can look up anything further while looking on their own time.

Best of luck finding a solution that works for you guys!

BunnyBerry · August 2014

Since we've been married 6 years and TTC 5.5 years, by now most people who have brought it up have heard our reply, "We've been trying with no luck yet," or "We hope soon!," or "We're having trouble but we're working with a specialist." People who care or understand then realize it's kind of serious, and people who don't care or don't understand don't seem to think anything of those comments.

Parents, sibs, and grandmas are as fully informed as they're interested in being; after I asked the women at church for prayers, the ones who are interested and feel comfortable encourage me or ask how I'm doing; and a couple coworkers who also went through IF know a bit more detail about our situation.

Because we're MFI, I don't like to tell people about our diagnosis. But what I've found is that I'd be more interested in sharing than people are interested in hearing about it. I know many people at work assume I'm be out on maternity leave any time soon, and many women at church are praying and have faith that it will happen soon. My family kind of thinks it's not a bad thing if it takes us a few more years since MH is still in school full time, but they don't understand how much your chances fall if it takes too long!

I have to say, I was quite offended when a man at church tried to fish for details when I asked for prayers for a surgery. Who asks a woman about her surgery if she didn't identify it to begin with? And one of my grandmas constantly compares to her own (worse, of course) female health problems from when she was younger, even though

***CHILDREN MENTIONED***

...she had 5 kids back to back without an issue. So I guess the point is, I think the crap we have to put up with is in direct proportion to how many people we share with and how much detail we share. We just have to find that balance.

EmilieT10 · August 2014

@SnakeFisherBub‌ With the people whom we've shared with...we've also found that other people we know are struggling as well. I'm also sorry that you haven't positive responses with everyone. I think people sometimes don't think about what they're saying...especially if it's something that they're not dealing with themselves. @NariaDreaming‌ That made me laugh because sometimes I feel like that!

EmilieT10 · August 2014

lebradford said:

My only caution is to really consider if you want people to know exactly where you are in a treatment cycle. For example, I might tell someone that I'm doing IVF in the fall. I would not tell many people when exactly my cycle would begin and end because I don't want people calling me on beta day asking if the cycle worked, regardless of the outcome. I would want to build in at least a couple of weeks of leeway where we might be pregnant but people aren't asking about it yet. :-) Lastly, the first place you might want to direct people you share with is the infertility etiquette article from resolve, with your personal boundaries. I tell people, "please read this article. Feel free to ask questions. I'll happily tell you what our plan is, but we're not sharing day-to-day updates of where we are in our cycle because (of the reason listed above)." So far that's worked fairly well.

Those are good things to consider!

EmilieT10 · August 2014

@BunnyBerry‌ We know a few older ladies who always made the same comments... "It's y'all's turn to have a baby!" We used to be very polite and say, "We will see." "Maybe soon." Now that we've encountered this hundreds of times, we've switched to. "Yeah, it's taking us a little longer." Or "Yeah, we're seeing a doctor for that." Now, instead of me and DH getting irritated, we laugh about the look on their face when we give them an answer.

@bravegrace22‌ I like that idea and that's similar to what we would like to do. Maybe give people a quick update when they ask and then refer them to a password-protected blog for friends and family that we've decided to share with. That way they can check in for updates on appointments/results and info on the process.

kushie77 · August 2014

NariaDreaming said:

I'm an open book. Friends. Family. My waitress at applebees. I'm a chronic over-sharer.

This exactly.

BeckyM613 · August 2014

Most of my close friends and family know we are TTC and have been for some time. I couldn't help talking about it when we first started trying. Now I am more selective with who I tell. I talk to my Mom about pretty much everything (even though I'm 27...) and I have only told my one best friend that we are starting tests and treatments.

**WARNING: SISTER'S BABY SHOWER MENTIONED BELOW***
I am dreading going to my sister's baby shower at the end of this month (she and her hubby were TTC for 3 years before they got pregnant. I know my family will be asking about me and I have already been coming up with responses.

My sister-in-law texts me every once in a while just to see how we are doing. I don't mind her asking, but I have not told her about the testing or anything.

I guess the way I see it is, tell those who you feel will support you and help you if times get tough. If you don't want to tell anyone, that's totally fine too.

Waterlily234 · August 2014

The more people you tell, the more people you will have pestering you for updates. I soooo wish I had not told as many people as I did because it is very hard to have to report bad news. I realized that folks who do not go thru TTTC get the freedom to try or not try, then announce the results when they are ready. Lucky!!...The 3T gals are stuck in some kind of ongoing play-by-play of our reproductive status...It is not fair! I am so happy to be on a break now only because I can hit the reset button...tell people "we are NOT trying so don't ask..."

I hate to sound so bitter. MOST people we have shared with truly care, and that's why they ask. But it does get dicey. Tread carefully. And best of luck in your journey. I really hope it's short.

bravegrace22 · August 2014

yup it's nice because we know they are all curious, but not sure how to ask and understand that differing days, means differing responses-we've lucked out that everyone we've told so far are amazing, supportive [on our terms] friends and we want them to be as informed as they want to be so that way it can kinda be on them for picking and choosing what/when to check in. I just made one of the websites from here, the only thing is that its a "our baby" design and there's no way to change it, but it's always been our plan to have something similar for (fx) when we're successful as to not be one of those couples that floods facebook with baby updates, so we'll prob just segue it into that.

As for strangers and others in our life that we haven't told yet, i have no effin clue what to do. some days we could seriously use a good release on the unsuspecting umpteenth person to make a stupid comment, but then i usually just sidestep it with either a blatant lie "not yet/right now" or simple "when it happens". I don't think we'll ever get to the point of saying what we'd like to, because that would mean opening up pandora's box. we'll prob either let word of mouth handle it among family or tell people after we (again, hopefully) actually have a baby.

thirtyninetoforty · August 2014

At first I shared everything with three people. TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!! So now I down play it and I am on a break which they all know but my break will be very long as far as they are concerned so the questions STOP!

AND, I absolutely HATE being told, "well if it doesn't work, there's always fostering and/or adoption." Please, I know my options but they have kids so don't tell me I don't need to carry a child to be a mother - I know this!

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What are your thoughts? On sharing with others...

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March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

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What are your thoughts? On sharing with others...

Re: What are your thoughts? On sharing with others...

March 2014 - RE appt. April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormalMay 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

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March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm