12 year old stepson ruining pregnancy — The Bump
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12 year old stepson ruining pregnancy

I'm at my wits end at this point. I'm 24 weeks along, he started off excited about the pregnancy, now he doesn't want a baby brother. He talks about how much he hates me, how much he doesn't want me to have a kid, how much he's going to hate living with us (we have primary residence) after the baby is born. He SAYS its because his bio mom is a piece of crap that treats him like garbage (she does) and he doesn't want to see the baby getting "what he didn't get". I think his mother has told him all kinds of lies about how life will be with a baby in the house - i.e., he'll be 'forgotten', his dad wont be his dad anymore, etc.

My husband doesn't back me up. He doesn't say "youre not going to talk about her like that and this conversation is over". I've talked to him over and over and over and over and over but he doesn't get it. I cant say anything to my stepson because no matter what I do (literally) I'm always going to be the evil stepmom.

My pregnancy is ruined. I don't even want this kid anymore. I want to file for divorce. I'm absolutely hopeless at this point.

Do you have stepkids? How are they handling it? What are you doing to separate yourself from the situation? Are you having the same feelings?

HELP

Re: 12 year old stepson ruining pregnancy

  • I'm sorry you feel so hopeless.  I'm in a similar boat and the only thing that's helped me is to focus on myself and my pregnancy.  Make time to be alone with your husband, go on walks with a friend, etc.  Hopefully, when the baby is here, he will slowly come around.  You cannot control what he does, but you can control what you do and how you choose to spend your time.  Spend it de-stressing and finding ways to enjoy your pregnancy.

     

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  • sewolffsewolff member
    Have you thought about counseling - for the family or yourself individually?  
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  • edited May 2014

    :( So sorry to hear that you're going through this.  It is so hard being a bonus mom.  I'm 14 weeks and SS11 is happy about having a sib but he wasn't so happy when we told him.  He's got a looong history of issues that have shaped how he his now, I swear if I wrote a book about them no one would believe it. 

    Most stem from his BM. one of them being that his she had a child when she was young that she gave up and for some reason she thought it would be a bright idea to tell  him (5 or 6yo at the time) that he had a half-brother without consulting my DH(they were still married back then).  SS has no relationship with this half brother who is now in his mid 20's and SS was mad and upset that maybe he would be a crappy older brother like him.  I don't know what the future is going to hold going forward. 

    There have been times in the past where I would be ready to throw in the towel and up and leave, and even times where I've questioned having our own children, but I got over it.  Most feelings were in the moment and things were said in haste.  You have to take some you time and some "you and DH" time.   

    I really hope that things get better for you, feel free to PM me if you want to talk. 

    I also attribute a lot of the attitude to their age....they're stinking brats right now!!  Pre-teen angst is the worst....hormones and puberty.  You can roll with it!

    ETA - adding more 

     

     

     

     

     

  • Ya - so my stepson has already harmed both of our dogs...my husband sweeps it under the rug.  This infant is next on his list. It's a serious Jeffrey Dahmer situation so, whatever. Be judgmental all you want. This is my life.
  • jensaviccijensavicci member
    edited July 2014

    Ya - so my stepson has already harmed both of our dogs...my husband sweeps it under the rug.  This infant is next on his list. It's a serious Jeffrey Dahmer situation so, whatever. Be judgmental all you want. This is my life.

    So then why are you on here instead of getting real one-on-one psychological help for him? You realize that if your stepson is harming people and animals in your life that you need to get him help? But that's still no excuse to want to eliminate your baby.
    marialevinson[Deleted User]flyingsaucer
  • @jensavicci

    he's not my kid, its not MY responsibility to get him help. My husband thinks therapy for this kid one time a week for an hour is sufficient. CLEARLY, its not

  • Hi
    This sounds like such a hard place to be and I am sorry you are going through this.  What you have to try to do is remember he is a kid, he is scared and frightened and acting out.  He is afraid he will be replaced, as you said and forgotten.  You can't control what people say to him but you can control your reactions to him.  I would have a real converstion with your husband.  I sometimes feel that an email is a good way to start things.  Write an email addressing your concerns, try to avoid things like "you don't do this and you never do that"  explain it is a change for everyone, and you want everyone to be happy.  Ask him how we can include his son in this pregnancy and how can you make it easier.  Express your need to have a united front.  I would then ended by asking him on a date to discuss.  I think it would be great it you plan a day with your step-son, take him to a ballgame or broadway show.  Then maybe ask him to help you with some baby stuff, maybe come see baby on a sonogram?  Helping him feel included will make it easier and less "you all vs. him"  Talk about what  great big brother he will be, point out things he is good at and say it will be great when the baby is big enough he can teach him/her.  When you spend a day with him, sit on a bench or walk, it is less confrontational side by side then face to face.  Put yourself into how he is feeling, start off by sharing that you know it must be hard, ask him if he is afraid, and most important reasure him that you love him and his dad loves him, and in time he will have a bother who will also love him.  make sure he hears a few time no one is being replaced, that things will be crazy with a baby but in no way is anyone being pushed out.  Then schedule a monthly "date"  make sure to do this after baby is born, even if you are tired and feel like you can't.  It will be important for him to see you still matters. 
    He is a kid and is acting out because he probably does not have the maturity or the words to express his feelings.  Help him find it.  Hopefully this will help give you back some of the enjoyment in your pregnancy.  If this does not help I would consider family therapist and I know a great women if you want her info
    kindly
    andrea
    www.citybirths.com
    1isaadrdjesus42
  • You need counseling. Your words are not appropriate. If you have primary resident custody, he IS your kid and your responsibility. And he is a kid that sounds like he is dealing with a lot. Grow up and get your family the help that you ALL need.
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