PAL Checkin

Noethola · August 2014

Hi Ladies~

Care to join the check in? Whether you had children before your angel baby, or you have a rainbow baby, you are welcome here.

Please know that if anyone has questions for the PAL mommies, we are open to answer any questions that we can.

Format is going to be just a little bit different:

This journey is a tough one, what is one thing that your child/children do that brings a smile to your face every time?

A book or song that reminds you of your angel, but also love to sing or read to your current child/children?

Questions for other PAL moms?

Other thoughts you want to share?

Noethola · August 2014

This journey is a tough one, what is one thing that your child/children do that brings a smile to your face every time? He is 6m today. He is getting into a really fun stage, but the thing I absolutely love is how his eyes light up when he sees me.

A book or song that reminds you of your angel, but also love to sing or read to your current child/children? I can't read "The Littlest Angel" because I cry every time. But, I do love to sing several songs to him that I used to sing to Elsie in utero. They were going to be special songs and lullabies, so I always think of her when I sing them.

Questions for other PAL moms?

Other thoughts you want to share? Lots of people I know who were pregnant the same time as me, or just after I lost Elsie are coming up on birthdays. Its time to go into FB hiding again.

CheesyPeas · August 2014

This journey is a tough one, what is one thing that your child/children do that brings a smile to your face every time? It makes me smile every time DS tells me that he loves me completely unprompted. He says weird and goofy things all the time too that make me laugh but there are too many to comment on since they change by the day. One example though: the other night while he was taking a bath, he poured some water from his watering can into a pill bottle and hands it to me and tells me it's coffee. As I'm pretending to drink and enjoy it, he whispers to me that there's a rhino in my coffee. Oh the mind of a 2 year old...

A book or song that reminds you of your angel, but also love to sing or read to your current child/children? I can't think of anything really beyond the "We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But Had an Angel Instead" book and the "Something Happened" book that we read to him to better explain what happened to his baby sister. We haven't read those for a few weeks now though.

Questions for other PAL moms?

Other thoughts you want to share? DS has been talking about Layla more and more in the past week or two, which warms my heart but it also makes me even more sad that he doesn't have a sibling. It's especially painful when he talks about how he wants her to come to his house. Me to, buddy. Me too.

jbranden12 · August 2014

Hi ladies! It's been a while, but I'm still hanging around. Thanks for doing the check-in, @Noethola!

This journey is a tough one, what is one thing that your child/children do that brings a smile to your face every time? Every time Anna rests her little head on my shoulder, it just melts my heart. As we are heading into toddlerhood, it happens less and less and often only when she's not feeling well, but I love being able to comfort one of my children.

A book or song that reminds you of your angel, but also love to sing or read to your current child/children? I have shared this before, but one of Anna's bedtime songs is "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." I replace "like a diamond in the sky" with "like Patricia in the sky." I love incorporating Patricia into our bedtime routine and the idea that she is a beautiful star shining down on us.

Questions for other PAL moms?

Other thoughts you want to share? It's been a tough couple of weeks. After I pushed for more testing, we found out I have a uterine septum that likely caused Patricia's stillbirth and Anna's prematurity. I hurt all over again for Patricia but we are living with the repercussions to Anna every day and it came to a head, literally on Thursday when she had a shunt malfunction and needed emergency brain surgery. I just need a break.

Noethola · August 2014

@jbranden12 I am sorry to hear of the dx and also that little Anna had another episode. It sounds aweful and scary what she is going through. Im sorry too that your dx could have contributed to things. Please don't let any guilt creep in on you. Its hard not to when you find even a straw of something you can blame. Huge ((hugs))!

stefuge · August 2014

@jbranden12‌ - how scary! I am so sorry to hear Anna needed emergency surgery! Please don't give yourself more to carry by adding guilt on to everything. You can't blame yourself for something you didn't know and had no control over!

@CheesyPeas‌ - our son often says the same thing about wishing his brother was here, and it just breaks my heart. ((Hugs))

@Noethola‌ - 6 months is fun! GL with the FB hiding!

My update:
This journey is a tough one, what is one thing that your child/children do that brings a smile to your face every time?
I call him my stinkbug, and he loves it. He gives me a huge smile every time.

A book or song that reminds you of your angel, but also love to sing or read to your current child/children?
I can only think of "we were going to have a baby but had an angel instead" also "love you forever". Just recently, DS1 brought me the angel book, and asked me to read it to him (we haven't read it since immediately after Colton was born) and then wanted to read it again and again.

Questions for other PAL moms?
Have any of you had to tell an older sibling that you were pregnant again following your angel baby? We are planning to start trying again soon and I worry about how we will tell DS1 that we are pregnant and how to handle his response.

Other thoughts you want to share?
For Colton's birthday, we blew bubbles for him, and since then DS1 has asked a couple times if we can blow more bubbles for Colton. I kind of think he thinks that all bubbles are for Colton now, but it's okay. He loves it and it makes me feel like I am doing something with both of my boys.

ETA: my update.

CheesyPeas · August 2014

@stefuge, how do you think Landon will respond to the news of another pregnancy? I don't have any first-hand experience with this yet but am hoping to start trying again in the near future and am not sure how to navigate this either. I really think that my DS is going to be optimistic about it all, so my biggest concern is telling him that we're pregnant, getting his hopes up, and then having to explain another loss to him. Sometimes when DS sees me crying, he'll tell me "you should be okay. Sometimes you'll have another baby in your belly and we'll bring him home," or "I'll have another baby sister some day." I hang on every word too like he has some kind of psychic ability...

CheesyPeas · August 2014

@jbranden12, I'm so sorry the test results are weighing on you and that Anna had to have emergency surgery. That's a lot of heavy stuff to deal with. I just want to send you some ((hugs)). I hope Anna is doing recovering well. I'll be keeping you guys in my T&Ps.

stefuge · August 2014

@CheesyPeas‌ - I think that's what worries me - is that I don't know how he'll respond. I do think he'll be excited because he would love to have a younger sibling and tells me all the time that he wishes Colton had come like he was supposed to. But then he has told us he is mad at Colton for not coming, or wants to know why Colton died and will daddy and mommy die too? It just makes me nervous, especially about having another loss, like you said. If everything is fine and we bring home a healthy baby, I think he will adjust like any big brother. But if we have issues, or even the difficult questions of "will this baby go to Heaven like Colton did" or even "is the baby in my belly Colton?" Basically a lot of stuff I can't control and need to just let go of and deal with if/when it happens.

jbranden12 · August 2014

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the thoughts. Anna is a little trooper!

jonahsma · August 2014

This journey is a tough one, what is one thing that your child/children do that brings a smile to your face every time? Tough Journey, yes... but my children help me get through each day.

My 2 1/2 year old will come up to me and give me the biggest hug and say " I love you, mom"

My almost 4 year old son who is Autistic will sing Daniel Tiger's "special " song and that brings a smile to my face every time. I know it's his way of telling me he loves me.

(it may sound cheesy to some, but when your kid has a rough time expressing or communicating, anything and everything he says is beautiful)

A book or song that reminds you of your angel, but also love to sing or read to your current child/children? I can't think of one.

@jbranden12 so sorry to hear Ana needed surgery, hope you all are doing well. ((hugs))

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