REALLY struggling with DH right now (long)

Saintelizabeth · August 2014

A few months ago DH’s boss at the time told him during his review that he needed to step down because his job was no longer available to him. At first I thought this meant the position was being phased out, but it turned out she was giving him a choice of stepping down or getting fired. He has been with this company for seven years now, but only has been in that position for a little over a year. We had transferred out of state (moved from PA to our hometown in NY) and he didn't know this woman or the situation in this particular department. Ultimately DH and his boss didn't see eye to eye on how the department should be run. She has a hard time keeping someone in this manager position (4 people in the past 2 years and the guy that took over after DH stepped down quit after a few months). She wants things done her way but goes about it in a warped way and it eventually breaks people and they quit or transfer to another job in the company. DH loved the job (minus her) and didn't want to transfer so he put up with this rocky relationship he had with her until she eventually told him he had to step down. So rather than being a manager of the team he’s now a part of the team. Stepping down meant a decent pay cut. Currently with him making less money and me not working OT (I’m a geologist and can’t work in the field pregnant, so no OT for me) we are bringing in $1,500 less a month. That’s a lot of money for us. He and I had agreed that a pay cut was better than unemployment and he would look for a way to get a management position in another department while staying in his demoted position (he works for a large retail company). Fast forward a few months and he still in this shitty position. He has had 2 interviews for sales manager positions and has been told both times he was the second choice.

Where my struggle begins is when there are manager positions open and he opts to not apply for them. He only wants to work in certain departments so when a manager potion pops up in a department that he doesn't like he ignores the job opening. You only have 5 days to apply for the position before it gets taken down. This week I watched him ignore the 5th manager opening because he doesn't want to work in that department. I don’t get it. We are really struggling to stay afloat right now and in a few months it’s going to get a hell of a lot harder. I work my butt off in the office and take jobs on the weekends as a freelance MUA (complete opposite of my M-F) when I can to make extra money. If I could get another job on top of the two things I do right now I would. When I ask him why he can’t take anything that comes along for more money he tells me he would be miserable. Then he says things like “I’ll just live my life miserable hating my job. That’s what you want, me being miserable”. I’ve tried yelling, I’ve tried talking to him in a calm supportive way but the outcome is always him not looking for a new position and us struggling. The idea of starting out at a new company altogether gets nowhere because he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He has his Master’s in education and BA in US History. He tried for years to get a teaching job, but they are scarce. He’s been out of the field for so long he’s up against fresh college grads. Teaching isn’t what he wants to do anymore. Everything else he either isn't qualified for or is it’s a blue collar kinda job it’s beneath him. I don’t understand this mentality. No job is beneath me if I have a mortgage and a family to support.

He still has to deal with this old boss and complains about her everyday - how much he hates her and hates his job. We are barely keeping up with paycheck to paycheck as it is and he has job interviews for positions that he may not initially want, but offer more money and a chance to get away from his old boss, yet he does nothing. I keep wondering what will give him the push to make a change. Our current struggles aren’t enough. The thought of having to support a baby isn’t enough, what the hell will be?

I can’t sleep at night because I just lay awake and think. Now I’m having a hard time working at the office when this is all I can think about. The thought of daycare is putting me on the verge of a panic attack and I’m considering taking less STD so I can get back to work sooner. I don’t know what I should do to help him.

nesenotes · August 2014

I'm sorry that sounds rough

it sounds like he is also overwhelmed. Some of us have more of a can do attitude than others. I'm sure it was a huge blow to his ego to have to be demoted, but i have no idea what would make it better.

Cheekers2010 · August 2014

I'm panicking just reading what you wrote. I'm sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom this morning. Can you sit down with him and set out the budget? Can he take over responsibility for the money so that he understands in a tangible way what you're freaking out about?

Whatever happens with him, you need to reduce your stress about this. It's not good for you or baby, I'm sorry. It's not fair that you're having to pull so much extra weight right now.

allonsyalonso · August 2014

No advice, just hugs. MH has the same defeatist attitude about his career. It's not fun trying to pump someone up repeatedly and keep hearing them say it's not worth even trying. I'm sorry this is happening to you guys and I hope it gets better soon.

hellopartyof5 · August 2014

Cheekers2010 said:

I'm panicking just reading what you wrote. I'm sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom this morning. Can you sit down with him and set out the budget? Can he take over responsibility for the money so that he understands in a tangible way what you're freaking out about?

Whatever happens with him, you need to reduce your stress about this. It's not good for you or baby, I'm sorry. It's not fair that you're having to pull so much extra weight right now.

I was going to say the same thing. If he isn't in charge of money, he needs to start having more input. Work out the baby budget, make it the bare minimum and let him see how far behind you'll be. I work in a job I hate - who cares? It has great benefits, and I can provide for my family. Besides, you end up making friends and that's what makes it worth it too. How does he know he wouldn't like those positions unless he tries it??

CandaceC1020 · August 2014

I think that you should sit down and have an honest conversation with your hubby about your concerns. Honesty is the best policy.

ETA - I think that a little tough love might help too. Your husband needs to realize that it's no longer the two of you - you have a little one that needs to be taken care of too. It's better to make a change now and become acclimated to a new department and changes versus later on.

CandEChicago · August 2014

Ask him what would make him unhappy in that other department. There might be department politics that you aren't aware of. Also I am betting between the demotion and the boss he has lost a lot of self confidence.

bombe4 · August 2014

CandEChicago said:

Ask him what would make him unhappy in that other department. There might be department politics that you aren't aware of. Also I am betting between the demotion and the boss he has lost a lot of self confidence.

I agree with all of this. I highly value my DH's happiness and I would not like to see him suffer in a job he hates. I don't want to come home to an unhappy, grumpy husband every day. Do many people work jobs they hate to make ends meet- of course. I just wouldn't want to have to put my husband through that. I agree that getting him together and working out a budget will help. It may give him to motivation to look for something new, or reevaluate the positions he is passing up.

JCKM · August 2014

I'm not sure who pays the bills in your house but I know in mine I write most of the checks and know what exactly we bring in and what goes out. I tried talking to my husband over and over again about financial things and he didn't get it until I sat him down with a spreadsheet that showed every expense we have and what that leaves us at the end of every month. He was shocked. Maybe if you show your husband what the situation is in black and white he might understand better. Make sure you add on the baby expenses that will soon be upon you.

As far as him not wanting to be miserable in his job, I get it. I wouldn't want to go to work everyday dreading it. But it doesn't have to be permanent. He can take a managers job and still keep looking/applying for other positions he thinks would be a better fit. After all, isn't he miserable now working for the same boss and being paid less?

bowlwoman · August 2014

I so sympathize with you right now. DH was in a similar situation last year, and he finally got put on a PIP and fired in December. Complicating issues is that I work at the same company.

He's been out of work for eight months now, and his unemployment ran out two months ago. He had a couple of months of a pity party, with us fighting, me having all the stress of being pregnant and being the sole income earner, you name it. Plus, we have two girls already, so our paycheck to paycheck isn't the best situation either.

The past few months, DH has really been putting in the effort in sending out resumes, networking, etc. And it's paid off. It's still touch and go for interviews and the like, but at least we're now seeing progress. I've also tried to get him to go to a therapist (because I suspect he's depressed at the root of a lot of this due to several years of a bad manager at his previous job and then getting shit-canned), but he still hasn't gone. I have a feeling that's going to be our next big fight soon.

So, other than some creepy Internet hugs and telling you I totally get where you're coming, I'm not sure what else to say. One thing I did to try to help was get an account on Indeed.com and start going through all the job postings in our area, set up keyword alerts, etc. I would take the first pass through the massive job postings and send DH the postings he had any qualifications for. Then, he could go through my list and apply or send resumes to the ones that he felt qualified for. That way he wasn't spending time sorting through all the babysitters wanted posts, and it felt like we were doing things together. I don't know if that would work for you in this situation, but it really does help, I think.

GL, and keep us posted. And if you ever need to vent to someone who is currently in a similar situation, feel free to PM me.

rshamos · August 2014

In some companies, you can get transferred to another department with the same title. I don't know how his company works, but maybe he could take a promotion to a department he doesn't like in order to get the experience he needs to eventually get into a department he does like?

Eora3 · August 2014

It sounds like you need to have a sit down with him. Get all your financial information together so you can lay it all out in a spreadsheet. Show him what you pay out every month now and then show him a second spreadsheet with all the baby expenses (diapers/wipes, monthly doctor copays, daycare, formula). Show him a third spreadsheet of how things would look if he was making "manager" money.

I am sorry he would be resentful if he had to work in another department, however, your baby is going to be in a much worse state if you can't afford the basics because daddy is more focused on his own happiness.

Also, if he is already in a mangement position, he will be more likely to be considered for a management position at another company. No one wants to hire someone for a position they were just demoted from.

Saintelizabeth · August 2014

Thanks for the hugs and suggestions! I think a lot of you are right when you stated this whole experience has really messed with his self-confidence. This woman who he currently still works for has a negative reputation in the various stores (he works with a traveling regional department) and many store managers have said to him “if you ever want to come store side apply for a position at this store” so I think he has a shot at one of the departments. He really is a hard worker and I know he can do well; he needs to find that driving force to motivate him to get into action. I don’t know what they will be, I just hope he finds it soon. Even if he doesn’t get jobs he applies for its nice knowing he’s at least trying. We both are involved with our monthly financial responsibilities so he knows how bad we are right now and how important extra money will be. And I don’t want him to work at a job he hates but a lot of people don’t love their job (myself included), but we go out and we do it because its not about me and him anymore its all about the baby.

I think I will sit down with him and show him what our expenses will be once the baby arrives. Hopefully that will give him some motivation to be more open minded.

ibnagy99 · August 2014

(((Hugs))) I could have written this myself.

We have 1 daughter currently with one on the way. I currently work 2 jobs. DH worked for a family business until they decided to close the doors a few months ago. No job for him, but our daughter is still in daycare. He complains about the jobs out there and that they are beneath him. I tell him any money coming in is all that I care about right now. Get a job and we'll be o.k. I'm beyond stressed and we are at our limits.

I'm sorry I don't have any advise, but I'm right along side of you.

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

My husband also works for a large retailer.

First, does the regional office know about his old boss ? Is there a way that he can complain about her to someone higher up than her. I'm just saying that if she goes through a lot of managers, I am surprised no one has said anything to her yet, unlesss they don't know. I know where my husband works the regional office would be saying " WTH is going on here ?"

When he does find a position he wants, I would go full throttle with him. When my husband wanted to move up, he asked for their interview questions and they gave them to him. We then wrote down answers to every question and went over them over and over again. Part of my husband's problem was that he gets really nervous during interviews and freezes and that has caused him to be passed over for several promotions. Well 5 years ago we had a baby coming, so he realized he needed to step it up. That is why he started to prepare answers for every question. He also wore a nice button down shirt, a tie and a nice pair of pants. Even after his interview, he sent thank you cards to the people that interviewed him.

So this is what I would do. I would tell him that you want him to apply for at least ONE manager position before the baby comes. It might not be ideal or his favorite, but as long as he doesn't think he will be miserable, then he should go for it. Then you both will go after this promotion full force. That means practicing interview questions, dress nicely for the interview ( not necessarily a suit but more a nice shirt and tie) and then send a thank you card to everyone that interviewed him.

If he is anything like my husband, he will push back on the thank you card idea and tell you no one does it. He would be right, no one really does it which is exactly why he should. That is just one small way to give you an edge over the competition. My husband reluctantly sent polite, hand writtten thank you cards to everyone that interviewed him and sure enough they came up to him later and told him how much they appreciated it and that no one has ever given them thank you cards for an interview before. Yes, he did end up getting the promotion and has even moved up more since then.

JCM285 · August 2014

::Hugs:: I know how frustrating financial dilemmas can be. My DH transferred a couple years ago from one position to another in the same company and swears he is happier but makes a lot less. He also has no motivation to go back to school and attain a higher degree (he has a BA). Sometimes when he stresses over finances, it makes me mad because we probably would be able to afford more if he was in his old position, but I do think it is important to be somewhat happy in the job you have. It will be hard, but you can make it work. Some things we are doing - not going on vacations anymore, I am only taking 3 months off for mat. leave, and I am also going to work part time in the summer next year (I'm a teacher). Good luck!! I hope that your DH finds a new position that he is also happy in!

ebilbao · August 2014

Well, you can't force him to apply for a job he doesn't want. You can focus on how, between the two of you, you can make up the $1,500 shortfall. Maybe that means a second part-time job for him, which could be the kick in the pants he needs to find another position.

LSauer21 · August 2014

Can't he pick up teaching a college class or two at a local community college?

perfectlove09 · August 2014

Oh I genuinely understand your frustrations. I'm going through similar issues at home right now. It sounds like at least you're on the right track with both of you knowing the budget and finances. That's something I just did with DH two weeks ago and it was a huge eye opener for him.

Our problem is that my husband is very smart and excels at everything he's does ....... When he actually does it. For years now his motivation has been ZERO to do anything. He did just start working on a real estate license but it's been slow going.

I also think my DH is dealing with depression. I've tried several times to convince him to see someone but he refuses. He tells me "I already know what they're going to say" I hate arguing about it because I know I'm right and I know it will help him.

His other problem (at least from my perspective) he's an only grandchild and only child. He's always had his way, what he wants, when he wanted it and is incredibly entitled. I didn't notice it as much when we were dating (we were together a long time before marriage) but after getting married and a few years in...wow. He wants new things and money and success but he just wants it to fall in his lap. And when some great opportunity does fall in his lap...he refuses to pursue it. It's utterly maddening for me. I'm in the camp of "if you want something, work for it" period. Several years ago I had credit card debt I wanted paid off. I picked up a second job and worked 7 days a week until my cards were paid off. It sucked ass. And 1 of my jobs was traveling so 3 nights a week I wasn't even home. So when I see his complete lack of drive or motivation it drives me bonkers.

Lately he's been doing a ton of work at his dad's business which is awesome. I never see him but at least he's working and I'm so happy about that. The problem though is I have yet to see money be deposited into our bank for the work he's doing. (That's a long convoluted story due to what they are doing but I won't get into it. No it's not illegal lol)

Wow I hijacked your post. Sorry. I guess the short response here would be "I'm right there with you"

Beevol · August 2014

If it makes you feel any better, I think I would feel the same way if I were in your situation.

I agree with a previous commenter, unless your DH has always been such an Eeyor (from Winnie the Pooh), it sounds like he might be struggling with clinical depression.

Does his company offer an Employee Assistance Program with counseling? A lot of bigger companies will have something where you can get free therapy and that might be a really good option for him and you. Clinical depression is no joke and if you're already this frustrated with his behavior, it could get out of control and do serious harm to your marriage.

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