January Wedding- No kids allowed

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

Our good friends recently got engaged and are getting married January 17. When DH was talking to his friend (the groom) about the wedding he specifically said that they aren't inviting any children. When DH told me, I took this to mean that they don't want us to bring the baby. It would be tough to leave LO as he will be approximately 2 months old and the wedding is about 30 minutes away. I would have to arrange a babysitter (MIL will be thrilled), pump and ensure that LO can take a bottle and also pump while at the wedding/reception. When I mentioned it to SIL she said that when people say "no kids" at a wedding they don't generally mean newborns as all they do is sleep in their carseat and they don't run around or anything like a small child would do.

What do you guys think, should I see what my friend (the bride) says, or should I just plan on leaving LO with a sitter for the night? Will I be excited for a break by then? Or be worried about LO all night?

JamieK1882 · August 2014

FTM, but when I hear "no kids" I take that to mean ALL kids, including newborns.

If you're close enough, I would ask the bride. Not to put pressure on her that you want to bring the baby per say, just for planning purposes.

absolutelymaybe · August 2014

I think your SIL is wrong. If they say no kids, I would take this to mean no kids. No exceptions (if you are an exception, they would've told you).

As for the rest...I'm a FTM and have no clue. I defer to STMs.

Dumbgurl04 · August 2014

FTM while I'm sure you will be worried I kind of think you will welcome the break. Agree if you are close enough to the bride just ask about if the no kids also includes newborns. Cause you want to plan for that kind of stuff espeically with the wedding being a good half hour away

missnacholover · August 2014

I would plan to leave LO for the night. You could probably skip the ceremony and leave the reception early so you may only be gone from LO for a few hours. It sounds like fun to me!

Personally, i wouldn't ask the bride. I'd assume that if newborns were welcome, she'd mention it to you.

shan24 · August 2014

My sister just got married and she had a no kids (except those in the bridal party) rule, mostly for cost reasons. Nearly everyone she invited had at least one child (one couple has 6) and it would have doubled their numbers.

A close friend of hers had a baby in June. My sister had no problems having the baby at the wedding, because all he did was sleep and nurse.

I would double check with the bride, with the understanding that you may need to leave LO with a babysitter. It may be more about numbers than the children themselves.

sparklingwhit · August 2014

So, I had a "no kids" wedding. I meant all kids, including newborns. Some people think that's weird, but for me I just didn't want crying babies and crazy children at my wedding. It was only a 5 hour wedding/reception and if people needed to leave early I wasn't going to be offended. Personally, as long as it weren't a destination wedding I think leaving a 2 month old with a relative for a few hours might be good for everyone. You can consider it your first PP date night! Complete with food and drinks!

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

absolutelymaybe said:

I think your SIL is wrong. If they say no kids, I would take this to mean no kids. No exceptions (if you are an exception, they would've told you).

As for the rest...I'm a FTM and have no clue. I defer to STMs.

This is what I think too- DH's friend specifically said it to him, so I feel like it was directed specifically at us (not that we're the only ones with kids, but you know what I mean).

I don't have a problem with no kids at a wedding, but SIL kind of threw me when she said that it didn't apply to newborns.

uncharted01 · August 2014

I probably wouldn't ask the bride because I'd be afraid to put her in an awkward position. Maybe you can just casually mention you have a sitter lined up for the night and see if she says anything about bringing the baby to the wedding?

ccam · August 2014

I could see how your SIL might be right about some other sort of party - a bridal shower maybe, but I wouldn't think that is true for a wedding. I would leave it as is especially since the groom specifically told your DH that. I would plan on bringing your pump and maybe leaving the reception early depending on how you feel.

You might really appreciate a date night at that point!

JustJainey · August 2014

Sounds to me like a great opportunity for you to have a few hours out with your DH and friends. I'm assuming MIL is perfectly competent and that BF'ing/pumping can be figured out - so why worry? Why not give yourself permission to have a good time and to rejuvenate your personal self to balance with your mommy self. Goodness knows your mommy self will have been on full-time active duty for quite some time by that point. Half an hour travel isn't so far and there are plenty of ways to keep in touch these days if you really feel you need to check in over the course of a few hours.

Ineedmorecoffee · August 2014

Hmmm. I would definitely ask her or the groom. But, 30 min isn't that far and by 2 months you might be dying for a small break. If you are EBF you will definitely need to bring a pump though. (I had a separate small handheld one for occasions like that).

missnacholover · August 2014

NinerGirl52 said:

I actually own a side business in the wedding industry and I consult on topics such as this fairly regularly. That being said, no kids means no kids (infants included). Every now and again a couple will make an exception for a nursing baby but those exceptions are few and far between. To speak on behalf of the bride & groom I can attest oftentimes a lot of drama is caused in the background when only certain children are invited to weddings and not all. I would assume you need to arrange a sitter for the evening. Upside is the wedding sounds like its not far away and you don't have to stay the entire time.

Edited - I have to politely disagree, and advise that you please don't ask the bride, it only puts her in an awkward situation. You never know what other circumstances may be driving this decision.

This. I know if I had it set in my mind that there were going to be no kids at my wedding (we only had kids in the bridal party) and someone asked me about their newborn, I'd probably say it's OK even though I wasn't comfortable with it.

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

NinerGirl52 said:

I actually own a side business in the wedding industry and I consult on topics such as this fairly regularly. That being said, no kids means no kids (infants included). Every now and again a couple will make an exception for a nursing baby but those exceptions are few and far between. To speak on behalf of the bride & groom I can attest oftentimes a lot of drama is caused in the background when only certain children are invited to weddings and not all. I would assume you need to arrange a sitter for the evening. Upside is the wedding sounds like its not far away and you don't have to stay the entire time.

Edited - I have to politely disagree, and advise that you please don't ask the bride, it only puts her in an awkward situation. You never know what other circumstances may be driving this decision.

Thank you for this. I don't want her to feel like she has to let me bring the LO and I know she has nephews, so it might be awkward if one child is allowed to come, but not others. I didn't even think of that.

I think we will arrange for MIL to come over and babysit. Like some of you said it will probably be a good oppotunity for a date night. I'll bring my pump ask the bride if I can use her special private room for a little privacy. I don't think she'll mind!

MarcyR92 · August 2014

Usually when they say no kids it's for friends only and some not so close family. so dnt be mad of you see kids there because that's how my cousin did his wedding. No niños (no kids) but wasn't ment for close family just friends and distant family. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

WildFlower810 said:

I guess I don't get the "no kids" wedding concept. I even went so far to have crafts set up for the little ones at my wedding so they didn't get too bored. Obviously a UO but if I had little ones and received a "no kids" invite then I would consider myself uninvited as well.

To be honest it's a very formal venue so I completely get it. I'm actually in another friend's wedding at the same place on August 30 and I have been there before. It's not really kid friendly.

TETO though re: kids at a wedding. I don't care either way.

missnacholover · August 2014

WildFlower810 said:

I guess I don't get the "no kids" wedding concept. I even went so far to have crafts set up for the little ones at my wedding so they didn't get too bored. Obviously a UO but if I had little ones and received a "no kids" invite then I would consider myself uninvited as well.

Meh, I wouldn't. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If you're spending all this money you should be able to structure it the way you want. Personally, I imagine that in the future I'm going to welcome adult time without having to be "mom".

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

MarcyR92 said:

Usually when they say no kids it's for friends only and some not so close family. so dnt be mad of you see kids there because that's how my cousin did his wedding. No niños (no kids) but wasn't ment for close family just friends and distant family. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Maybe it's a cultural thing (only saying that because you said ninos!), but if I was told no kids and there were kids at the wedding who were't IN the wedding I would be a little suprised. I don't think it should be a rule that applies to some, but not all.

For example, my two year old nieces were in SIL's wedding last November. They were there for the ceremony (obviously) and hung around for the cocktail hour to dance to the swing band (so cute!) and then SIL's mom and dad came and took them away. There weren't any other kids there under 14.

absolutelymaybe · August 2014

WildFlower810 said:

I guess I don't get the "no kids" wedding concept. I even went so far to have crafts set up for the little ones at my wedding so they didn't get too bored. Obviously a UO but if I had little ones and received a "no kids" invite then I would consider myself uninvited as well.

Meh, TETO. I totally get them. In fact, I thought about it for our wedding. We just realized it would never work because 1. There were too many people with kids and the idea of a kids-free wedding here is unheard of (weddings are almost never formal affairs) and 2. We had kids in our wedding (his nephews, little sister) and I felt like it wasn't fair to say some kids could be at the wedding, but not all.

I did coloring books and crayon "favors" for the kids. I'm not sure how popular they were, but they were there for activities.

AnnieRoo13 · August 2014

lissydee said:

And not for nothing, depending on the kid, it may not be easy to leave them that soon either--especially if they are not taking a bottle by then (and this is something that I would to force on yourself or kiddo just for a few hours to attend a "no kids" wedding). So also be prepared with just having to let DH attend solo too. Just something to keep in mind.

This is kind of my main concern. If LO is used to taking a bottle by then, then I think it would be a nice way to have a little break for a couple of hours. If he's not used to the bottle I won't go and DH can attend without me.

jlove253 · August 2014

I really do think it'll make a great excuse for a date, but you should be able to ask your friends for clarification. I was just at wedding last week that was for a super kid-friendly couple, and saw the invite only said DH and I, with no mention of dd. I know this usually means dd wasn't invited, but because of who the couple is I emailed the bride for clarification, making it VERY clear I'd be happy to get a sitter if dd wasn't invited. Turns out it was a no kids wedding for #/budget reasons (like a pp mentioned). That being said, infants were allowed, because they didn't affect the numbers or cost anything. My SIL brought her baby and just took him out for the ceremony to a place where she could watch but couldn't be heard.

So if you were to bring LO (if it was ok with the couple) you'd still need to be prepared to miss certain parts of the ceremony/reception depending on how baby is doing. You seem like the type of person to have common sense about that anyways, but it may make the wedding less fun for you or DH.

runningmama14 · August 2014

AnnieRoo13 said:

MarcyR92 said:

Usually when they say no kids it's for friends only and some not so close family. so dnt be mad of you see kids there because that's how my cousin did his wedding. No niños (no kids) but wasn't ment for close family just friends and distant family. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Maybe it's a cultural thing (only saying that because you said ninos!), but if I was told no kids and there were kids at the wedding who were't IN the wedding I would be a little suprised. I don't think it should be a rule that applies to some, but not all.

For example, my two year old nieces were in SIL's wedding last November. They were there for the ceremony (obviously) and hung around for the cocktail hour to dance to the swing band (so cute!) and then SIL's mom and dad came and took them away. There weren't any other kids there under 14.

----------------
I don't agree that kids need to be a blanket decision. I invited some kids to our wedding and not others. I didn't print "no kids" anywhere on the invite, or ever say no kids to any one, but we listed the names of who was invited on the invites and our rsvp card had a spot that showed how many seats they had set aside.

If I'm paying, I don't see why I should have to pay for every child born to every single person invited to the wedding.

The only complaint I got about not inviting someone's child was from my husband's aunt and uncle who were upset that their 50 year old daughter that I had never met wasn't invited. I know it sounds horrible that we didn't invite all first cousins, but that would have easily made our wedding over 600 people (most of whom we don't even see at holidays).

When my lo is about 8 weeks old, I will be headed back to work full time, so to me, using a trusted baby sitter for a few hours to attend a wedding doesn't seem weird or soon. I'm not saying it will be the easiest thing, just that it's a typical age to leave a lo.

Edited for quote box fail

PandaCon · August 2014

lissydee said:
And not for nothing, depending on the kid, it may not be easy to leave them that soon either--especially if they are not taking a bottle by then (and this is something that I wouldnt force on yourself or kiddo just for a few hours to attend a "no kids" wedding). So also be prepared with just having to let DH attend solo too. Just something to keep in mind.

This. Regardless if you ask the bride or not there is a chance that LO won't take a bottle st 2 months old. If they won't, Just be prepared to call and let thrm know that DH will be attending alone since LO won't take a bottle so you can't leave him\her.

jj0313 · August 2014

My friend had a no kids wedding that allowed newborns so I've seen it done but I think if your friends husband mentioned it to your husband directly he probably would have called out that your baby was fine if that was the case. Hopefully it will be a nice break for you! Good luck!!

MarcyR92 · August 2014

@AnnieRoo13‌ like others have said to you ask to clarify it since Ull have a newborn with you. Not going to lie a lot of ppl complain to my cousin bout that and he was very straight with it that he only want cousins and the grand kids of our grandma that's was it. You shouldn't be mad at the no kids it's there day and they want it a certain way. But if I was you I would ask the bride or have ur husband ask his friend to be more specific. They might have an age group they dnt want there.

NLJ82 · August 2014

missnacholover said:

I would plan to leave LO for the night. You could probably skip the ceremony and leave the reception early so you may only be gone from LO for a few hours. It sounds like fun to me!

Personally, i wouldn't ask the bride. I'd assume that if newborns were welcome, she'd mention it to you.

This. And if by chance you're NOT worried/in a rush to get home and still skip out early...then yay for some alone time with DH!

missnacholover · August 2014

Also, if you do decide not to go try to let the bride know within a week - 10 days before the wedding as she will have to get her numbers in to her caterers/venue.

mrsodonnell12 · August 2014

I wouldn't go or I'd ask that I'm allowed to bring my nursing infant.

hiketheworld · August 2014

I didn't want kids at my wedding, showers, anything. I don't think it's unusual or rude to not invite kids to things. The last thing I wanted was for a child or baby to tell, talk, or cry during my ceremony. If someone can't attend as a result of their childcare preferences or needs then they can't come. I don't think I will feel differently when I have a baby of my own either. I'd be mortified if my kid interrupted someone's ceremony.

I would assume your baby is not invited, but ask if you aren't sure.

absolutelymaybe · August 2014

hiketheworld said:

I didn't want kids at my wedding, showers, anything. I don't think it's unusual or rude to not invite kids to things. The last thing I wanted was for a child or baby to tell, talk, or cry during my ceremony. If someone can't attend as a result of their childcare preferences or needs then they can't come. I don't think I will feel differently when I have a baby of my own either. I'd be mortified if my kid interrupted someone's ceremony. I would assume your baby is not invited, but ask if you aren't sure.

I don't disagree with your point, I just felt this was an appropriate time for a Gretchen Weiners gif.

AMJ07 · August 2014

I think you should ask the bride. I had a no kids wedding but allowed infants and specific kids from my immediate family.

carcrashheart · August 2014

An adult only reception means just that. At two months an infant can have crying fits instead of simply sleeping in a car seat the whole time. And if it were my reception I wouldn't want a car seat to be hanging out on the floor anyways. We had an adults only reception but family was excluded from that. We had one infant (4 mos old) and one child (8 yrs old). The couple with the infant weren't there long because the baby was fussy and crying most of the time.

I would plan on leaving baby for a few hours. At two months we were fine with leaving DS for a few hours. MIL drove down to visit us when DS was five weeks so that we could go out to dinner. She also took care of him all night so that we could relax in bed and get some rest. It probably helped that we weren't really away from him, just relieved of our duties for a night. At two months baby will probably still have a relatively late bedtime so you should be able to have fun at the reception for awhile before heading back home.

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