Sorry for yet another AW post :( Surgery update

wanderlust508 · August 2014

I am really bummed right now. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I saw the OB-GYN/surgeon today who will be handling my fibroid surgery. She showed me the MRI images of my fibroids. The super large one (13x15cm) is pressing along my spinal cord. The Dr said she was surprised that a fairly thin woman like me wasn't having more symptoms from it. She reiterated what we discussed in our emails - that she will try to do it laparoscopic but she estimates a less than 50% chance that she'll be able to complete it laparoscopically.

But she said it was worth a try and she won't know for sure til she goes in there. I had a laparotomy back in 1999 for ovarian torsion. It was a bikini line incision. I asked if we could do the same if it comes to that. She said she would try to go for that route (since bikini incision is cosmetically more appealing and has a better recovery). But that the size of the larger one may require a vertical incision - from my belly button down.

Call me vain but that last part is what bums me out the most. My mom had a vertical incision for both her c-sections ...but that was in the 80s. I didn't even know they did those anymore!! My DH went with me to the pre-op appointment and saw how upset I got after she said that. He's been so amazingly supportive. He told me that he understood that the vertical incision would upset me a lot but that he didn't care at all. That I shouldn't worry about what he would think. So sweet. With everything we worry about with IF, I know I should look at the positive side - that this could definitely affect my fertility in a positive way. But the silly vain side of me wants to wallow in self pity over the vertical incision. I guess my bikini wearing days will be behind me.

And everytime I undress I will see that huge scar. Ugh - I'm so depressed.

Anyone had a vertical laparotomy before? Don't sugarcoat it for me - I'd like to hear what your experience was. I'm trying to put it in perspective and see the big picture. But it's hard. One mantra I keep repeating is "there are worse things that happen to people in life".

ETA: I am so ready for a drink after the day I've had today!!

ronniesgirl1981 · August 2014

I don't have any experience with this, but it is so going to be worth it! You have every right to be upset today, though.

LindseyM2012 · August 2014

No experience here, but I wanted to stop by and say I hope you have the best outcome. I don't think it is unreasonable to be upset about a big scar on your abdomen. Good luck!!!

shirleymaeby · August 2014

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this news. I don't have any experience but I can imagine that I would feel the same as you (maybe a little vain, but no one's perfect). I also agree with PP though...if this surgery positively affects your fertility one day it will be your favorite feature on your body. A reminder of how hard you fought for the thing you wanted. Crossing my fingers your surgery goes well! :-)

BunnyBerry · August 2014

Oh, I'm so sorry! That's such a shock, especially in this day and age.

I second PPs - my thought about scars was, it's a badge of honor that you can wear proudly, especially once you've brought a child into the world. I think as women we would do almost anything to our own body as a sacrifice for that future child.

I hope you get to keep your bikini body, though!! Praying for a laparoscopy or bikini incision.

theholmanherd · August 2014

Truthfully, it will be a huge transition for you. My Abuela has a huge vertical scar now, too, and her body image (yes, even at almost 91) has suffered greatly. Of course, she has other things contributing, but all of it has lead to depression and she is seeing someone about it. I recommend talking to someone because it IS going to effect your self-image and you need to grieve what's happening. On the bright side, there are so many adorable one piece bathing suits, tankinis with shorts or skirts, etc, that are available now. I think they look better than bikinis anyway. Of course, I'm very self-conscious and I've never been comfortable in a bikini, even at my thinnest (size 2...eons ago). I've always sought out more modest swimsuits and there have been an increasing number of stylish ones lately. I hope you can come to accept your new body and I hope you have an easy recovery. Much love and hugs to you.

lebradford · August 2014

Wow, that sounds really intense. I'm sorry. Honestly, I would imagine the recovery for a vertical incision would be kind of long. The only thing in my brain that I know to compare it to is a c-section, and you get 8 weeks off work for that typically.

I've only had laprascopic surgery before, and the recovery time to be moving around was maybe 3 days, longer for intense activity/heavy lifting. I would definitely ask what to prepare for in terms of recovery time for each option. I've heard having a pillow to press against your incision if you need to move is helpful, but that's really the only piece of advice I have.

In terms of cosmetic things, I want to say not to worry about it. Being pregnant eventually could possibly make your body not "bikini ideal" anyway. However, I don't think you should feel bad at all for being worried about it. I've never had a bikini body anyway, so it's easy for me to say. ;-) I also know it's a lot easier to tolerate something like that if you immediately get a baby out of it! In the short term, you won't have the baby to soften the blow of an abdomen change, but in the long term you hopefully will. :-)

catlover790 · August 2014

I'm sorry for the difficult news and the possibility of a large scar. I don't have much experience with scars but I do with being vain about things! Haha! I have a medium sized scar on my leg from falling when I was a child. It has faded some now but it's right on the front of my calf. It really bothered me for a long time and I didn't want to wear shorts or dresses. I think eventually I realized that no one is looking that closely at my body on a regular basis where they would see or care about it.

It doesn't bother me much anymore, but now I'm getting spider veins (thanks Mom!) and that is not helping me feel comfortable with my legs. Anyway, this is all so trivial compared to what you're going through I just wanted you to know that worrying about the scar is something I would be doing too and it's okay to feel that way. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope everything with the surgery goes smoothly!

wanderlust508 · August 2014

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really needed them! I'm still having a hard time coping with the possibility of the vertical scar but some of you have really helped put it in perspective and made me realize that the scar doesn't have to be something to be ashamed of. Or something that defines me.

@ronniesgirl1981 - Thank you! I hope I can continue to keep the mindset that it will all be worth it in the end.

@JLambertJen - I loved your response. Your attitude towards your scar is inspiring!

@Rumbera28 - You are so right. A child is worth every ugly scar. When the Dr showed me the MRI images, it really hit home to see that the larger fibroid is about 2x the size of my uterus itself!

She said this is definitely likely to be preventing implantation. So I have to keep reminding myself that it's very good news that these things are coming out. Even though I've gotten to a point where I almost am used to them and can live comfortably with them . . . I'm sure once they're out, I'll see a huge difference in how I feel. And I love the image you shared from your timeline!

@LindseyM2012 - Thank you! It's nice to hear that I'm not crazy for being upset about this. Dealing with IF and wanting a child so bad, it seems like I should be willing to sacrifice anything to be a mom. But sometimes it's OK to not like the huge changes we have to make!

@kmdecoux - I hope one day I can have that attitude toward whatever scars remain after surgery. Thank you for your kind words!

@rainbowbridge14 - I'm glad I have some warning at least that it may come to the vertical incision. It would have been so much worse if the vertical incision was done and I had no idea until after surgery. Thanks!

@BunnyBerry - I agree, it IS such a shock in this day and age. I just can't believe that this is even a possibility. But hopefully it will be a badge of honor someday. And yes - we as women are all willing to do a LOT to our bodies to have a chance at having a kid. Nobody knows that better than the women in this group!

@theholmanherd - I'm sorry that your grandma is feeling so bad about her scar.

I do hope that I personally will be able to put it all in perspective - and know that I'm still ME ...whatever scar results from this surgery. You're right, it might be hard. I will definitely try to talk to someone sooner rather than later if I'm having a really tough time with it (if it comes to the vertical incision). But you're also right about the one piece suits! I recently got one similar to this one which is sexy yet still modest and would cover any scar: https://www.venus.com/viewproduct.aspx?BRANCH=24~97~&ProductDisplayID=21251

wanderlust508 · August 2014

@lebradford - My girlfriend told me something similar. She said "Think of it this way. We're not 25 anymore! We are much less likely to wear a bikini now than we were 10 years ago. Especially after kids - we probably won't even want to! Only you and your DH will see it." She has a point! My Dr said the recovery should be about 4-6 weeks for a laparotomy (whether it's vertical or horizontal). I will remember to have a pillow with me! Thanks

@SnakefisherBub, @GinnyJones82, @Buttmonkey34 and @AlaskaDee23 - Thank you for the hugs!

@sugar4bri - Your DH's words about your scars is so touching and sweet. Mine is the same way! Thank goodness for having a DH that supports us and loves us the way we are.

@catlover790 - You have a point ....I know the scar would probably be much bigger in my eyes than it would be to anybody who might happen to catch a glance of it. It's hard not to be so self conscious of it but I will try!

wanderlust508 · August 2014

emilee871 said:

Sorry you are bummed right now and you are dealing with this.
I had a vertical incision laparotomy. I had ovarian torsion while I was out of state visiting family. I went into the ER around 6 and was in surgery at about 10pm so I didn't really get to ask questions until the next morning.
I won't sugarcoat it since you asked not to...the next few days were hard. I had to learn how to get around with little use of my abdominal muscles. I stayed in the hospital two nights. My biggest problem I think was the pain medicine making me nauseous and I was getting sick quite a bit which hurt my incision and muscles...So if you have a weak stomach make sure they know so they can give you anti nausea Meds. I stayed at my brothers house for a few days before I got back home. I slept a lot for a few weeks, again from the medication.
The good thing is how fast you are able to recover. I noticed improvements everyday. The Monday morning after surgery I couldn't imagine walking down the hallway and by Friday I was well enough to get on an airplane to get back home.
I wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks. I went back to work part time at 5 weeks and full time at 6 weeks. I heard some people stay out of work for 8 weeks. I get really stressed out at work so I didn't mind being out that long. I used the time to read, play lots of candy crush, and I knew I was going to start a new position at my job so I started teaching my self programming. Two weeks after the surgery and I was feeling better, I appreciated the time off that I had, it ended up being a nice break from work. I didn't do much but hang out at the house but it ended up being relaxing.
I agree that it's helpful to have a pillow that you can hug around your stomach. Also, when getting up out of bed, instead of sitting straight up, you roll to your side then push yourself up with your arm.
During my recovery I would wear lose cotton dresses that I normally use as beach cover ups. I also ate a lot of soup since the pain medication made me feel bad. As soon as I could get away with taking just aleve I quit the pain medication.
I really really hope my story doesn't give you more anxiety, it's not meant to, I just wanted to give you my experience. The first week is hard but you really do recover quickly from day to day. I was just sore and tired for several weeks so I needed to be out of work.
My scar doesn't bother me. It's just a mark on my body that represents something I had to go through. I have never been comfortable in a bikini, but if I did, I wouldn't hide the scar.

@emilee871 - Thank you for sharing your story! It is really helpful and I appreciate you not sugar coating your experience. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the vertical laparotomy (if it comes to that) so it isn't a complete shock to me. Good point about the anti-nausea medication. I definitely am prone to nausea! So I will ask my Dr to order me anti nausea medication for immediately after surgery (and once I go home now that I think about it). And great idea to keep loose cotton dresses to wear after surgery. I will definitely do that. I can imagine it's much more comfortable not to be wearing anything that touches the incision. How long ago did you have your surgery? Can I ask why they had to do vertical for you; was it because of the size of tumor? I also had ovarian torsion on my left side when I was 19 and ended up needing an emergency laparotomy to remove the left ovary and tube. The incision was horizontal that time. I also didn't get a chance to ask any questions til the next morning. I was in college at the time and I went straight from the ER to the operating room within 4 hours or so. Were you TTC at the time - and if so, how long did the Dr tell you to hold off on TTC?

wanderlust508 · August 2014

I'm so sorry, that must have been even more scary to deal with being out of state when it happened! I had a similar situation - I was in my college town 400 miles away from home (where I was insured under my parents' local plan). But luckily I was able to speak with the surgeon who took care of my case - and I saw her for post-op follow-up as well.

I see that you're starting IVF in September! Good luck with that, I hope it works the first round! I might be looking to you for advice soon if we move to IVF early next year. I've always wonder how different it is to do IVF with one ovary instead of two. I'll be really interested to follow your experience with that.

Sewfie · August 2014

I'm sorry that you may have to have a more intense surgery. I can understand being upset, especially if it does require more healing time, but (and I don't mean this to be insensitive) I think scars are pretty cool. I'm forever documenting my bruises and cuts. I think that I probably have a similar opinion as @JlambertJen, that they're like tattoos. Like, I have a permanent dent above my knee and I remember exactly how I got it and how funny it was at the time. It's like having a scrapbook with me all the time.

Pintobean39 · August 2014

I'm sorry and wish you all the luck with your upcoming surgery. Hopefully they won't have to cut you vertically. I totally understand about being vain not wanting a scar. I had surgery on my head last year and I was more freaked out about them shaving my head than the hole they were putting in my skull. I have very long hair. I even think the last words I said before being put out was "please don't shave a lot". They also had to move my whole ear out of the way for my surgery and about 4 weeks afterwards my ear still stuck out and I cried one day in the bathroom because I was afraid my dr screwed up and didn't put my ear exactly where it belonged. Now I can't even tell I had surgery, my hair has grown out enough where it blends in and my ear is back where it belongs.

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Sorry for yet another AW post :( Surgery update

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