Family Dilemma

Becks613 · August 2014

So here goes;

My H and I plan to tell his family that I'm 8 weeks pregnant, next weekend at a family brunch. Recently my MIL spilled the beans and told us that H's brother and my SIL are trying to conceive. We have no idea how long they've been trying.

My H told me tonight that he no longer wants to tell his family all at once as he worries this might upset his bro/SIL, "if they happen to be having fertility issues."

My problem is this:

My BIL has extreme anxiety (always has) and for years, the family has tiptoed around various issues to ensure his stability, without ever talking to him about getting help. H and I have tried not to perpetuate worsening anxiety as it doesn't help his bro, and contributes to an unhealthy family dynamic, but now with our big news, my H is afraid his bro will 'go off the deep end'. My first reaction was hurt and anger as we don't even KNOW whether they are having any fertility issues! For all we know they just started trying! Also, this is our first baby...and will be the first on his side. It's a big deal!

H thinks we should tell his parents/bro/SIL separately just in case. Am I wrong to feel annoyed by this? If we knew they were having problems conceiving, I'd understand the need to be more discreet, but I feel like we are not even able to celebrate our big news the way we want, just IN CASE it makes his bro uncomfortable. I'd like to think he and my SIL could show happiness for us, and act like mature adults. I feel like I can't control how they react and just wish I could make a little announcement (it's not like I was planning to have babies jump out of a cake or anything...) without making the whole family anxious about what his bro is feeling in that moment.

I am a mental health worker, and have so much compassion for those who are affected; what I don't agree with is enabling unhealthy behaviour and minimizing happy moments "just in case" it is hurtful to others. We all deserve to celebrate the positives.

Am I justified to feel frustrated? I feel like if the tables were turned, my BIL/SIL wouldn't think twice about announcing their news...and wouldn't think twice about how it would "affect" us.

Any thoughts/ideas are welcome

Sorry for the late-night novel....

Becks613 · August 2014

@MOtownMama‌ for sure. It's H's family and therefore his choice. I agree that it's better to be safe than sorry, it's just that we have had to cater so much to his bro for so many years that it stings a little when it comes to our big news. I guess I understand but feel sad at the same time. I can't relate to infertility, but I can relate to dealing w mental health issues.

Becks613 · August 2014

And @MOtownMama‌, you didn't come across mean

I appreciate the perspective, actually.

Becks613 · August 2014

@KonaiNeto‌, you're totally right. In the end, I love my BIL/SIL and would never want to hurt them. I'm so not the type to throw anything in anyone's face; especially this. I guess I just needed to feel validated in that it does hurt sometimes to have to minimize good news. Thanks for helping to ground me. My hormones are RAGING!!

Becks613 · August 2014

@somerandomchick‌, thanks for that. As I reflect (with all you ladies' help) and *calm down*, I am realizing that separate "announcements" are best. I agree that people need time alone to "feel" and process difficult information alone. I would want that if I was having trouble conceiving..

Becks613 · August 2014

@MOtownMama‌, YES...although some of my initial rage was def hormonal

, I agree that these feelings are allowed without justification!

parrothd · August 2014

I agree with everyone's comments above unfortunately. I have a slight similar situation where I don't know if my older sister is trying but recently heard that her close friend got pregnant and she told my parents that she couldn't even bring herself to be happy for her. We have decided to tell each member/couple of both families individually but looking at it this way. 1) it is big news and you get to reveal the moment as you want to everyone else without fearing you will hurt those that won't get hurt by the news (however wrong that sounds I know), 2) the people/couples you tell get to have that personal little moment just with you and your H to celebrate, 3) you get to do the reveal a few times so could come up with fun ways to do it for each! 4) you can tailor your news to your BIL to keep it as quiet, low key and sensitive as your H sees fit, 4) you won't have given BIL special treatment but telling just him separately.That way you can not only respect your H's wishes about his brother but you don't have to compromise your reveal or other people's reactions to your fantastic news!! His parents won't have to feel like they have to tone down their excitement for you if you do it separately with them.
Hope that helps-I really feel for you and we are going through that whole sensitivity issue too-it is horrible to think that a member of the family might not be happy for you but at least you can tackle it in a way that moving forward you know at least you tried to do it the most sensitive way you can.

Good luck and try and I how I have put a bit of a positive spin on telling family members separately!!

klt2015 · August 2014

I think telling his parents separately allows you guys to share your awesome news and have some extra support while allowing the opportunity to find out if your in-laws are having trouble. If his parents don't indicate any issues, then you will have the green light to celebrate with all.

Becks613 · August 2014

@snegde‌, this is definitely the bigger issue for sure, and the "sharing our news" part is just another example that reminds H and I of how the family dynamic has had to change over the years, in a way that's not helpful to my BIL.

In this case, it was initially frustrating RE: the impact BIL's mental health issues has on our new life event, but overall (and more importantly) yes, I love my BIL and wish he could have the professional support he deserves. He's a great guy. As I had mentioned, I am a mental health worker (and have had my own share of struggles) and know how helpful it can be to secure the right professional support.

Thanks to all who posted; I'm definitely convinced of what the right approach is, and feel very good about it - no more frustration! It's nice to know there is real support out here, on this blog

drmrsmantis · August 2014

This is a very tough situation. Kudos to you for being so thoughtful of this situation and the larger family dynamic. By far the most useful thing for families of people with anxiety to do is limit their accommodation (i.e. Less tip-toeing)--but this should be a slow process that ideally all parties are on board with. I work with lots of families through this process and it's not easy at all. That said, sounds like this is not the ideal time to stop tip-toeing and as PPs have said, would be good to show some sensitivity. Besides,this should feel fun for you and if your BIL and his wife are upset, it will feel much less joyful. GL--hope it turns out to be as happy an announcement as you had hoped!

jmhansen11 · August 2014

What if... You told BIL and SIL separately (before the brunch) under the reasoning of, "mom spilled the beans and told us you were trying, so we are telling you first because we didn't want to blindside you at brunch." It doesn't have to do anything with their possible infertility, but just that it's a sensitive topic in general for people who are TTC. If not for the BIL perhaps SIL might even appreciate this sensitivity?

DH and I had been dealing with infertility for years, so my sis did the same for me- she told me ahead of time and said "we just wanted you guys to be able to deal with this news however you need to, in your own home." She got best sister ever points that day!

BrealynL · August 2014

I have a similar situation my H's sister and BIL have been trying for 5 years to conceive and every time she hears someone is pregnant she cries. Our plan is to tell them separately so that when we announce it to the whole family, it doesn't blindside her.

RyeMich · August 2014

It's your news, and it's big, and it's GREAT news. However- If you feel like your life is overshadowed by a difficult family member, imagine how much it will hurt if THIS news is ruined by someone's bad reaction. It seems like it probably will not turn out the way you want it to, in your heart, or are imagining it - big, happy, family celebratory news- if one of the family members is kind of a wild card.

I agree with the consensus. Enjoy the happiness of telling your in laws separately. Your hubs knows his brother better than anyone- his reluctance is probably self preservation!

lelaboo290 · August 2014

I'm not sure my opinion is right or wrong just merely my opinion (and we all have one) but I think you should still share your news it is great happy news and you don't know what your in laws situation is (they may just be trying and not having issues). You could tell them first to prepare them. I have had a miscarriage and 6 weeks later my best friend told me she was pregnant I was thrilled for her (still sad about my loss) but knew how happy she was. I couldn't let my loss down her happiness. But that's just me.

shoeflypie · August 2014

I only read a few pp's but I think you can find a happy medium. Like others have stated, celebrate with the ones you know will be extra excited and feel it out for the ones who may have a tough time.

I was in your situation May '13, except we knew BIL and wife had been dealing with infertility. We tiptoed around because I didn't want to be the cause for someone else's unhappiness. BIL actually asked us to not talk about anything in front of his wife. Unfortunately, I upset her with my mere presence so I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy as much. I was so worried about her. Fast forward, they're still having issues and were on our second. We are going to ask BIL how to handle it and celebrate with the rest of family.

Moral of my long story... Do what you feel is right. Sometimes, you're damned if you do and if you don't. Be gentle with them but definitely enjoy every second of your miracle. You will see how things change once your LO arrives... You can vent here though!!

delgadomama · August 2014

I have a few family members that have struggled with infertility/miscarriages. I would tell them before you tell everyone else so they have time to get past the pain/jealousy. I have told some members of our family that struggle with this beforehand and am glad I did. They will be happy for you, but will need time to process.

topaz7777 · August 2014

I dealt with IF, and I'm glad that my sister told me separately because I cried, and I wouldn't have wanted that reaction in a group family setting. When she told the family later I was ready.

sken1230 · August 2014

I didn't read everyone responses, but was in a similar situation in the other person's shoes

DH and I struggled with IF for a couple of years before our DS and then we finally got pregnant through IUI! We were soooo excited. Well…my SIL got pregnant apparently around the same time and never told us until my DH saw her at 5 months. My MIL said she didn't want to hurt our feelings, but her being dishonest hurt our feelings more. It hurt knowing the whole family knew about it and hid it from us. Honesty is the best policy…but of course like everyone else said…tread lightly of course

HOpe that helped!

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