Time away from LO

laowaigringa · August 2014

Just seeking other's opinions on this out of curiousity. I have a friend with two young children, one a baby less than a year old. Though of course she loves her children, I wouldn't necessarily describe her as a "baby" or a "kid" person. She and her husband also love to travel and they typically take two trips a year, one of which is often as long as two weeks. She also takes her kids to stay with her parents for a week once a year and leaves them there while she goes back home to work, and in addition to this she sometimes travels for work. In all I would say that on average she is away from her children for between 4 and 6 weeks a year. While I am not one who feels like you need to be around your children every minute of every day, and I'm all for people taking time away if they need it, a full month or more a year away from your kids seems like too much to me. Again, just curious as to what others think about this. How much time away is too much?

sugarland726 · August 2014

Well she's not taking a full month away from her kids. She's taking a week here, a week there. That is different than taking a month off.

We don't cease to be the people we were after we have kids. We still have interests, hopes, and dreams separate from our children. Some would find it inappropriate that I chose to spend my birthday without my family and gone for 3 days. Some would also find it inappropriate that I would choose to spend any time away from them considering I work a full time job. But I have things I want to do that I don't want or can't have my children tag along with.

I think that taking that much cumulative time off from your family may be too much for you, but it might be perfectly alright for another family. Who are you to judge how their family operates anyway? Do you want someone to judge yours?

monkeybutt61612 · August 2014

I don't see a problem with it, plus it's great for the kids to spend quality time with their grandparents. Sounds like a win-win

jcwinsto · August 2014

I know it would be too much for me with little ones. But it may be perfectly fine for her. When my baby is older (6-7 maybe), if we still live over a day away from our family I hope to be able to send him there for a week or 2 in the summer to visit with his grandparents (both sets) and get to experience how we grew up (farming).

SandFHasse · August 2014

I don't think its ok to judge them for what works for their family. Right now it wouldn't work for my family. I do need time to myself, just not a week at a time. I think it is great that she travels. Good for her. I agree with @tarajeanette

valigrl21 · August 2014

This post is really bothering me. I work a full time job, plus MH runs a business from our home, which means I work with him frequently or he's away while I care for a toddler and infant alone. Most days I actually love getting time to just spend with my kids without having to "share" them.

Some days though I want a break. It would be nice to get my eyebrows waxed or my hair cut or to scrapbook or whatever I want. But every time I think about asking my parents or MH or whoever to watch our girls, I am filled with guilt. I think "but I worked all week, I shouldn't leave them on a Saturday too" or "I was gone all day, I shouldn't just come home for dinner and then leave again".

It's ridiculous. Just because I am a mother doesn't mean I should never do anything for myself. My kids LOVE spending time with their grandparents. My parents love seeing our girls too. And, on the rare occasion I do get out, I come back happier and more relaxed.

So how about we stop implying motherhood has to be a 24 hour a day 7 day a week sacrifice of everything a woman has. If she's happy traveling and working or spending time with her husband, the kids are safe and well taken care of then I see no problem with it at all.

NenaMarie84 · August 2014

tarajeannette said:

If it were just the dad being away from the kids 4-6 weeks out of the year, this wouldn't even be a topic of discussion. What does that say? My instinct is that the question itself implies that a mother isn't dedicated to her children if she spends any time away from them. It's like there are different standards for women that look something like the perfect, selfless 50s housewife – new and improved thanks to Pinterest.

Yeah, I had a child and yeah she is the single most important thing to me, but I am still me. I have interests and needs that aren't predicated on the existence of a child. I'd rather bring her up seeing a mom that is a well rounded human being that isn't afraid to encourage her daughter to develop a close relationship with other family members other than myself. It used to take a village, but now the immediate family unit rules. I don't necessarily think that's better, frankly.

Yeah, it would be hard on ME to leave her with my mom for a week at a time, but I think it would be great for her. She LOVES my mom and she only sees her once a month, roughly. So, to answer your question, how much time away is too much? It depends on too many factors to say. It should be decided on a case by case basis. But certainly it's no one's business but the families to make that call.

What she said!

Lena122 · August 2014

I think the answer will vary by family and the reason for time away. Multiple work related trips away from the kids are more justifiable to me than multiple kid free vacations. Ultimately you have to do what works for your family. If she needs the time away to be a better mom than it's great that she can take it. It's better to have 11 months of quality time with your kids than 12 months of stressful, overburdened time.

Personally I wouldn't do more than an overnight with DD still nursing. But after she's a year old I'll likely whisk DH away for a few kid free days here and there.

Sakura16 · August 2014

Ok so I have issue with this. ..I work from home but have to travel a lot for work as well. Sometimes I am gone 3-4 days back to back weeks and sometimes I'm gone 3-4 days every other week for a couple months in a row, so DD is with daycare and DH. Are you implying that makes me not a kid person or an uncaring mother? That is how I pay for her existence, and I don't appreciate being looked down upon and judged for it.

It is unbelievably hard emotionally for me and physically (who likes pumping on the road??) but I do it because I have to. I think it sucks even more that you feel this way about someone you consider a friend tbh.

amt0312 · August 2014

To me, 4-6 weeks out of 52 weeks in the whole year is peanuts and not a big deal. If her kids are happy, well adjusted and they've bonded, then there is nothing wrong with her being gone. Now, for me, personally, its too much, but that's just what I prefer for myself and would never expect another family to have the same preferences. Now, that doesn't mean I don't dream of taking an extended vacation without the baby, but I know I'd just cry everyday I was gone.

ccip82 · August 2014

DH and I are going on a two week vacation next year. Kids aren't invited. I must be a horrible mother.

I also am leaving the kids with DH this Fall while I go on a four day trip with my girlfriends. I must seem like a really horrible mother now.

sugarland726 · August 2014

ccip82 said:

DH and I are going on a two week vacation next year. Kids aren't invited. I must be a horrible mother.

I also am leaving the kids with DH this Fall while I go on a four day trip with my girlfriends. I must seem like a really horrible mother now.

I spent my birthday weekend away from my kids!

peanutmuse · August 2014

laowaigringa said:

*snip* leaves them there while she goes back home to work

My husband works from home. There's no way in hell he could watch our son while working. I'm there at the house with him while he works and the only time that I talk to him is sometimes during his lunch break or at times when I send him an instant message and ask him to let me know when he has a free minute. Just like I would if he was in an office and I needed him to call me. Some (most?) work at home jobs are impossible to do while caring for a baby.

growingmybun · August 2014

I didn't take the "not a kid person" as an insult. I'm not a kid person. I have two. I adore them. Some of us jus aren't mom-types and we are ok spending time away from our kids. It doesn't mean that we love out kids any less than another mom. We just define ourselves in another way.

sugarland726 · August 2014

OP:

Morenajuliet · August 2014

I feel like the purpose of this post is to pass judgement. Come on, be a friend to your friend not the judge of her parental worth. Even though it's not your style you know she's leaving her kids with people who are more than capable of taking care of them.

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