Advice needed on telling friend dealing with IF

animalcrckr · August 2014

Ok, I'm going to try to make this as short as possible:

Backstory: We have not known this friend and her DH for very long, maybe about a year. We met through a mutual friend and have seen each other at a couple of get togethers/children's birthday parties due to our mutual friend. We have never hung out with them exclusively. However, just this past summer, we all went on a week long vacation together. We ended up talking to each other a lot that week and realized we have many hobbies and interests in common. She confided in me about their infertility journey and apologized for not being very friendly at past events. She said it was very hard being around our family with small children. At the time, they were gearing up for IVF#3.

We have not had any contact with them for 2 months. Mostly b/c we have been traveling all summer and incredibly busy. Our mutual friend informed me that the IVF3 and a subsequent FET did not work. She also happens to be our pediatrician. I have been avoiding scheduling DD's check up because I am unsure about what would be the best thing to do. Should I send her a FB message or email to tell her I'm pregnant? She's really not on our list of people that need to know…so I feel awkward going that route. I have never talked to her on the phone so a phone call would be awkward as well. I'm just at a loss here. Our mutual friend is out of the country for the next month so I can't have her relay the info. I am so worried about blind siding her at the appointment. Obviously her job involves seeing newborns/babies/kids/pregnant moms ALL day long. This has been extremely difficult for her mentality, emotionally and spiritually. I feel awful.

Does anyone have any advice as the best way to approach this situation? I keep telling myself that I am overanalyzing the situation but my heart hurts just thinking about it. I cannot bring myself to schedule DD's overdue appointment.

brroseb · August 2014

I think just schedule the appt. You can let her know at the appt. To me, she is a pediatrician and (as you mentioned) sees babies all day long. You can't feel bad for growing your family because she is struggling... and it would be absolutely terrible of her to make you feel bad for it. I can't believe she even said that it was hard for her and her husband to be around your family because you have small children... WHO SAYS THAT??? It is very sad that she is struggling but you should not down play this exciting time in your lives either.

Irishcurls · August 2014

I don't blame her for mentioning being around small children is hard--I think it's great she felt safe enough to share that. I didn't struggle but I know many people who have and I truly can't imagine the pain they deal with. However, given what you've said about no phone contact/the nature of the friendship I would be upfront about it at the beginning of the appointment. Say "hi so and so, haven't seen you in awhile! This is sort of awkward but I wanted to make sure you heard it from me, we're expecting in Feb. We don't have to talk about it but I just wanted to make sure you knew."

cls78 · August 2014

brroseb said:
I think just schedule the appt. You can let her know at the appt. To me, she is a pediatrician and (as you mentioned) sees babies all day long. You can't feel bad for growing your family because she is struggling... and it would be absolutely terrible of her to make you feel bad for it. I can't believe she even said that it was hard for her and her husband to be around your family because you have small children... WHO SAYS THAT??? It is very sad that she is struggling but you should not down play this exciting time in your lives either.

She was being honest. IF can make you very biter and jealous. (especially after many costly failed IVF's) It sucks to struggle with something that comes so easy to others.

animalcrckr · August 2014

brroseb said:

I can't believe she even said that it was hard for her and her husband to be around your family because you have small children... WHO SAYS THAT???

She was apologizing for avoiding me. There was one specific birthday party we both attended. They had just gotten the results from IVF1 and were emotional. DD was only 3 months old and nursed the entire time. I had attempted to start a conversation and she pretty much just left. She was already our pediatrician at the time so we already knew each other.

On our trip, she spilled her heart, telling me that she has realized it's better for her to avoid certain situations that trigger her emotions. Since we had a few conversations at this level, I feel obligated to let her know ahead of time. But like I said before, that seems kind of awkward. If you can't tell, I'm confused!

brroseb · August 2014

I understand her sadness %100... but I don't think it's necessarily right to almost take away some of the joy from someone else who is growing their family... That is what I was trying to say. And I get that she was opening up and apologizing which took a lot, I am sure. But it's sad that now you are left feeling like you don't know how to approach the situation... That you can't go to your child's pediatrician with excitement about your growing family. Personally, I just wouldn't want to put someone in that situation of feeling that way. I still say let her know at the appt.

runawaylaurel · August 2014

Geez, this is really hard. I would send an email. Even a totally logical person who knows that the rest of the world will keep having babies still feels jealousy at others' pregnancy announcements. Say something like "I wanted to tell you that we are expecting, due in February. I know this information may be difficult, but since you were so open with your struggles I wanted you to hear this news directly from me. If you'd like to talk about it, feel free (or don't put this if you don't really want more discussion). I'll be scheduling DD's appointment soon and I wanted you to know before you saw my pregnant belly (if you have one)"

When I was struggling with IF, I would look at pregnant women and be so jealous, so I think she might like to know prior to seeing you so she can process it on her own time instead of in a professional setting.

cls78 · August 2014

@runawaylaurel‌ said it perfect. That is what I would do.

animalcrckr · August 2014

Geez, this is really hard. I would send an email. Even a totally logical person who knows that the rest of the world will keep having babies still feels jealousy at others' pregnancy announcements. Say something like "I wanted to tell you that we are expecting, due in February. I know this information may be difficult, but since you were so open with your struggles I wanted you to hear this news directly from me. If you'd like to talk about it, feel free (or don't put this if you don't really want more discussion). I'll be scheduling DD's appointment soon and I wanted you to know before you saw my pregnant belly (if you have one)"

When I was struggling with IF, I would look at pregnant women and be so jealous, so I think she might like to know prior to seeing you so she can process it on her own time instead of in a professional setting.

Thanks for your reply! I know she struggles at work (because she told me) and I feel like if I do not let her know ahead of time then it seems like I wasn't really listening to her.

jaztastic · August 2014

I would call first. Call to make the appointment but ask to speak with her. Basically say what @Irishcurls said but over the phone. Give her time to process it without being blindsided face to face with you. Hopefully by the time you go to the appointment she will be over the initial shock and able to express her happiness for you, without showing the sadness for herself.

@brroseb have you dealt with any infertility struggles? You mentioned that you understand 100%, so I was curious if you truly could relate to her situation. Some of your responses rub me the wrong way as someone who struggles with IF.

OP- You dont HAVE to coddle anyone, but it is very considerate and commendable of you to think of her feelings, knowing her situation.

jennypolkadots · August 2014

In situations like this, try to imagine what you would expect from her if the situation were reversed. Would you appreciate a facebook message/email with a heads up? Or just to find out in passing at the appointment.

Are you planning to announce publicly on Facebook at anytime during the pregnancy? If so, I would just not say anything during the appointment and she will find out with everyone else. You are not extremely close and have not even talked on the phone to each other before. I highly doubt she will guess you are pregnant when you are are only 15 weeks, just wear a blazer or something.

Like others have said, although she may be bummed about her personal issues, it doesn't mean she can't be happy for you. I think making it awkward and saying something like "I wasn't sure how to tell you" makes it a heck of a lot worse for her if you are not super super close.

jaztastic · August 2014

jennypolkadots said:

In situations like this, try to imagine what you would expect from her if the situation were reversed. Would you appreciate a facebook message/email with a heads up? Or just to find out in passing at the appointment.

Are you planning to announce publicly on Facebook at anytime during the pregnancy? If so, I would just not say anything during the appointment and she will find out with everyone else. You are not extremely close and have not even talked on the phone to each other before. I highly doubt she will guess you are pregnant when you are are only 15 weeks, just wear a blazer or something.

Like others have said, although she may be bummed about her personal issues, it doesn't mean she can't be happy for you. I think making it awkward and saying something like "I wasn't sure how to tell you" makes it a heck of a lot worse for her if you are not super super close.

No thats not right... When you are privy to information you should at least try to be considerate. I wouldnt intentionally disregard her feelings just because we havent spoken in a while.

kefttsc · August 2014

Like PP posted said, you don't have to coddle her, but just be careful with your words. IF is a very difficult journey and not all of us end up on a birth month board.

I don't have a story that is exactly related, but a close friend just lost her two small children (3 and 1) in a very tragic accident. I was terrified to tell her about my twins. I let her know that I wanted to be sensitive to her feelings and that I was actually terrified to tell her. Her response (that will make me cry again right now) is that she wishes that EVERYONE has the blessings that her two gave her even in their short lives. Give her the benefit of the doubt and consider that she is having a hard time and will have feelings of jealousy, but WILL be happy for you eventually.

You are kind to be thinking of her.

animalcrckr · August 2014

jennypolkadots said:
Are you planning to announce publicly on Facebook at anytime during the pregnancy? If so, I would just not say anything during the appointment and she will find out with everyone else. You are not extremely close and have not even talked on the phone to each other before. I highly doubt she will guess you are pregnant when you are are only 15 weeks, just wear a blazer or something.

No, no public announcement for us. And my bump is not easy to hide with a blazer. I do not own one big enough:) I look like an average 6 month pregnant lady. I would feel awful just showing up.

schnitz9 · August 2014

I would definitely not keep it a secret and wait til FB. I was in a very similar situation. I have a sorority sister who i am close with but not that close with. We have remained close through other sisters. Her and her husband have been TTC and going through IVF for over 3 years with no success. I made sure that I let her know before I posted it on FB even though we aren't that close. The fact that she knew that I knew about her IF was the reason I told her before. You know about this woman's IF and not giving her the respect of telling her yourself would not be a good idea in my mind. My friend was very happy for me and congratulated me. I told her i understand if she didn't want to talk about it, but that her and her husband were always in my T & P's. She is actually a neo-natal nurse and around babies all the time too. I'm sure if you told her personally she would really truly appreciate it. Also is she the only dr in the practice. I know its kinda weird but if there are other good dr's in the practice maybe saying you are OK with see a different dr for a while for her sake would be a nice suggestion. I know that it is hard to see people have something that you want so desparately.

BeckyP005 · August 2014

cls78 said:

brroseb said:
I think just schedule the appt. You can let her know at the appt. To me, she is a pediatrician and (as you mentioned) sees babies all day long. You can't feel bad for growing your family because she is struggling... and it would be absolutely terrible of her to make you feel bad for it. I can't believe she even said that it was hard for her and her husband to be around your family because you have small children... WHO SAYS THAT??? It is very sad that she is struggling but you should not down play this exciting time in your lives either.
She was being honest. IF can make you very biter and jealous. (especially after many costly failed IVF's) It sucks to struggle with something that comes so easy to others.

Hmm I have said that (can't be around kids) and even sent an email to a "good" friend that I needed time to process her news. Didn't last long but as my therapist told me you do what's in the best interest for you. No baby showers for me during this struggle and if I did go I would have to pop a xanax or have a drink in my hand. I felt awful but I couldn't control my emotions. Unless your in this situation you can't say how you will act.

OP everyone has given great advice/ideas. Let us know how it went.

Neesey · August 2014

Please tell her prior! My husband and I had gone through three years of treatments and had decided to iove child free when we got a surprise bfp. Before that, yes I would be super happy for my friends who were successful but their success reminded my of my failure. It reminded me of what we wanted desperately but couldn't make happen. Emails or texts were always easiest for me to handle. Better in the evening too do I didn't have to go to work right after reading about it.
OP, I thank you so much for thinking of her even though you aren't super close.
@brroseb‌ I really don't think you understand 100% based on your response. People who struggle aren't trying to take away the joy from others! They are trying to get through the day dealing with grief, jealousy and heartbreak. Your response just makes me shake my head.

Timfany1 · August 2014

with my first child I had through ivf, it took 1 fresh and 4 frozen for me to have her, just live your life, dont tiptoe, yes its devestating after going through a treatment and you get a failed result, and yes I had a bit of the green monster when those around you get pregnant when someone touches their elbow, after going through anger and resentment yes the person will be happy for you, if it was that devastating for her she would probally take a leave from work

jennasnipes · August 2014

Please just be upfront and honest with her, no matter what form of communication you use (I like PPs idea of sending an email or Facebook message if you aren't close enough for a phone call). This situation is difficult even for close friends.
I have a very close friend that has a lovely DD and they were trying for a second. My husband and I have gone through several miscarriages in the past year (I know that's different than IF, but the feelings of longing for a child when you can't have one as still there) and when my friend came to me and said that they were pregnant with #2, although I was thrilled for my friend and her growing family whom I love, it was still very difficult! It made me feel inadequate as a woman. On my worst day I even asked DH "why do THEY get to have two and we can't even have one?"
So no, she isn't trying to squelch your joy and excitement of a new baby, it just plain hurts!

JKHope · August 2014

@brrroseb - it doesn't seem like you're trying to be insensitive, but you really are. The woman didn't intentionally take any joy away from the OP. She had an intimate conversation and the OP is a kind person who is doing her best to take those feelings into account. Should someone that struggles with something ..IF, being overweight, having a spouse die etc. never open up to anyone because it might make that other person feel bad? That's part of being a friend...being a fellow human. You need to listen and be there for others. As someone who has had 3 pregnancy losses and took 2 years to have my son, it's a difficult road and I appreciated those friends I could talk to even if they had children. They were sensitive and kind and I don't feel I robbed them of any joy by confiding. I just hope this thread can help you reflect next time you might be in a situation like this and realize it's very difficult and requires sensitivity.

OP- you've gotten some great advice and you are kind to be thinking about her. I would probably do the email so she has time to process alone before your appt. After my 2nd pregnancy loss a friend (very close) told me she was pregnant in person and I said the wrong thing. I wish I had time for my jealous/sad/depressed brain to prepare.

SPaceTwins55 · August 2014

Sounds like you've gotten some great advice from PPs. I didn't read them all - with my history (3 yrs TTC insanely lucky to be expecting twins after IVF#1) + preg hormones these posts always make me cry! So if someone else already mentioned it, sorry. If there are multiple practitioners in the practice now may be a good time to switch - just tell the receptionist that you and the doc have become friends outside of the office and you'd feel more comfortable seeing another pediatrician - totally normal. Then have your mutual friend or FB do the telling! She'll know why you switched to her colleague and be grateful, even though she'll probably say "you didn't have to do that." As a fertility struggler the very worst thing you can do is pop up at the appt and make her sit with you and your expanding family for 15-30min when all she wants to do is scream and run away crying. It's worse when it's an expecting mom you KNOW! Especially one working on #2+ and you can't even make 1 baby. You sound very sensitive which is great. Other good options by the other PPs - call, e-mail, wear a baggy shirt (she may guess, but won't have to acknowledge it until later). And it's totally okay for this woman not to be your friend right now. It's not your fault, it's survival mode on her part. Please don't be offend when she avoids you and new baby.

KRMcD · August 2014

runawaylaurel said:

Geez, this is really hard. I would send an email. Even a totally logical person who knows that the rest of the world will keep having babies still feels jealousy at others' pregnancy announcements. Say something like "I wanted to tell you that we are expecting, due in February. I know this information may be difficult, but since you were so open with your struggles I wanted you to hear this news directly from me. If you'd like to talk about it, feel free (or don't put this if you don't really want more discussion). I'll be scheduling DD's appointment soon and I wanted you to know before you saw my pregnant belly (if you have one)"

When I was struggling with IF, I would look at pregnant women and be so jealous, so I think she might like to know prior to seeing you so she can process it on her own time instead of in a professional setting.

This is the best way to go about it. When we were going through fertility treatment I had a friend accidentally get pregnant with her second when her first was 9 months old. She texted me to let me know and I really appreciated having time to get over my jealousy in private so I could be excited for her when I saw her in person.

hopefulsprout · August 2014

I would add my agreement to everyone who's suggested telling her prior. I had a couple of friends who told me via Facebook message, email, or text. All of these allowed me to process the information privately before I had to see them face to face or respond "in the moment". One person told me over the phone and I reacted with an "...Oh..." that I regretted later (it was an "accident" and that just really struck a nerve with me, even though I "knew" I should be thrilled for her and her joy had nothing to do with my struggles, I still felt like I acted like kind of a

. Seeing things in print in advance allowed me (and DH) to be jealous/sad on our own, process what was happening, and grow our excitement for our friends before seeing them. It was truly a gift from them for us to be able to do that. And, like I said, it allowed us to be genuinely happy and excited for them when we next saw them! IF makes that kind of excitement very hard, but for us it was possible with time.

I am so happy that you are thoughtfully thinking through this. Not everyone does, because often not everyone knows how difficult it can be for a struggling couple. Thank you!

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