It isn't the same

SummerB0607 · August 2014

After my son was stillborn I got a lot of talks from well meaning friends where they felt they had to tell me about how they went through the same thing with their miscarriages. I don't want to sound heartless and I know every loss, no matter what stage is painful. Every life and every loss matters. But I can't help but think that losing a baby at 2 months just isn't the same as losing one at 6 months. I wish they would stop telling me they know how I feel, because they don't. I gave birth to my son. I pushed him out, it hurt. I held him. I saw how he looked like his father. I watched his hand twitch once before his life was over. It's not the same. Yes their loss was painful. But not the same. Am I awful for not wanting to hear their miscarriage stories?

msunshine123 · August 2014

I understand what you mean. No loss will ever be exactly like your own and no one will ever know exactly how you feel because each situation is unique. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and then I lost my son on the day of delivery 39 weeks and 3 days. They both hurt in each of their own unique ways. ((hugs))

stefuge · August 2014

I understand what you are saying. I have a hard time with anyone who tells me they know how I feel because they lost their mother or sibling or grandmother or had a miscarriage, regardless of who it is, it isn't the same as how I feel. No matter how similar or dissimilar a loss, you don't know how I feel, what I experienced, what I am going through right now. And I feel like when people say those sorts of things they are really being selfish - trying to push their loss and heartache on you when you are already so heartbroken. I have had many friends who have had early miscarriages try to tell me how to grieve or act or that it's time to be happy again because by this point they were feeling better, and you know, I don't care. I am not grieving on their timeline, and they don't understand exactly how I feel. My grief and my healing are my own unique journey.

luckyclover0922 · August 2014

You should not feel bad for feeling that way... its completely normal. Miscarrying versus have a late loss is completely different (I know I have had both). My miscarriage did not even compare to the dispear, grief, love and anger I felt from losing my son. I hurt from both of them in different ways.. both of which tore me apart but the longer you carry I feel the deeper you love and the longer you grieve. ((Hugs)) to you.

ikrystal · August 2014

**ticker warning**

I completely understand. I know that a miscarriage must be a painful, horrifying event and I want to acknowledge that. But I hate it when people say my boys were a miscarriage, because it was so far from that. I went to the doctor the other day and a clueless nurse asked me if my twins were "an abortion or a miscarriage" as if those were my only options. It's just not the same. People seem to downplay late losses and the birth of your child when they refer to what happened as a miscarriage, and it can be very offensive.

Mel&John2013 · August 2014

I know how you feel, I get so annoyed at that. I'm sorry, and I don't have any experience with miscarriage, and I'm sure a miscarriage is painful, but it is not the same. Or even close. That, and comparisons to loosing a parent or another loved one. It may sound harsh, but at some point most people bury their parents. And siblings, spouses, etc. It's something that hurts, but you know you're going to have to do it at some point. Burying your baby is on a whole different level.

When Lincoln was in the hospital, I think it was after his heart or kidney surgery, one person actually compared our situation to their child getting tubes in his ears. I just stared at her and made no comment. Yea, I get it, sending your child to get put under for any surgery sucks. But don't even make the leap that sending your child for tubes in their ears is comparable to my son having open heart surgery. I don't want to hear it. If you are going through something difficult and need a friend to listen, sure I'm here. But don't try to compare.

Bayberry12 · August 2014

Ugh. I hate when people compare. My sister in law actually said to us on two separate occasions "she lost a child too", she had an early mc.
It was like a slap in the face. I understand she must hurt from that loss, but I carried my daughter for 39 weeks, delivered her, held her, kissed her goodbye, walked out of the hospital with empty arms and went home to a nursery full of baby things that wouldn't be used.
I've also had 3 mc. They don't even come close to the pain I felt when I lost my daughter. Sure they made me sad, but I hardly even think about them anymore.
I guess everyone feels things differently and it's all personal, but I agree, it is not the same.

CheesyPeas · August 2014

This bothers me so much too. I had a woman who told me "I lost one of my babies on the toilet, and I didn't even know. I felt so terrible." I'm sure she did feel terrible but trying to compare her early miscarriage on the toilet to me birthing, holding, and then burying my daughter was like a punch in the gut. I've had a miscarriage and a stillbirth, and they are not even remotely the same. They are both tremendously painful but so different. I know people are trying to help us feel not so alone in making those comparisons, and I can appreciate the gesture, but the comments don't help.

TeamWinForever · August 2014

No, you are not a horrible person for feeling this way. I had a few people at work try and relate to me by saying they has a miscarriage so "they knew how I felt." I said nothing at the time, but I was screaming on the inside. No, an emergency c section and subsequent death of my child in the nicu is NOT the same as your 7 week miscarriage. This is not to downplay or minimize the pain of miscarriage. I feel for anyone who has gone through that, but I would never assume to know how they feel. It would be nice if people didn't assume to know how we feel. I always try to remind myself that these people are at least making an effort to be comforting and to relate to me. Sometimes reminding myself of this helps to soothe the anger that I feel when the comparison is made.

forevermyfenix · August 2014

I feel like I could have written this!

I to had a miscarriage, but it is NOTHING compared to losing my son two weeks ago when he was 36 weeks. Not even close. Not that I wouldn't have loved my child that I miscarried at 7 weeks, but I didn't get to know him/her. I didn't feel those kicks and learn the beginnings of the personality that I came to know with Fenix. I didn't have to labor for 23 hours all the while knowing I'd be giving birth to a lifeless baby. I didn't see those features that were a perfect combination of his parents and I didn't have to plan funeral arrangements.

I wish people would realize when they try to "help" they're really only saying things that help themselves deal with it.

SummerB0607 · August 2014

Thank you ladies. I know my loss isn't even the same as any of yours. I would never say "I know how you feel". I don't. I had another woman today decide to tell me about losing her baby at 12 weeks. That's not the same. I wanted to scream at her. I agree with what some of you said, I think it's just to make themselves feel better. Or make them feel like they have done their part and now they can move on with their lives. My 92 year old grandmother told me she could not imagine my pain. That was all. That was enough. I know she had a miscarriage but she didn't mention it. I wish others would take lessons from her.

mmsweeney1 · August 2014

** siggy **

I just want to chime in and say I 100% agree with you. It's definitely a special kind of pain to carry a baby right up to the end and go home empty handed. That's why I enjoy coming to this board so much - because it's comforting to find people with similar experiences instead of people in real life who claim to "get it."

angelsnight · August 2014

Ticker warning

I completely agree. I have felt this way for a long time but I always felt horrible for thinking it as well. I had a loss at 4 weeks and then our daughter was stillborn at 22 weeks. I was devastated by our first loss, I cried for a week or so and I was sad for a couple months. I still think about that baby, wondering who or what they would have become....but it doesn't even compare. I feel sad when I think of my first loss, but my heart is utterly broken from the loss of our daughter and it will never fully heal.

Just like, while our loss was devastating, I cannot imagine what ladies go through at a much later point, like much closer to or at term....or the loss of a living child. All losses are devestating but I do agree it is offensive to compare an early loss to a later one. Bleeding and losing what could have been is not the same as being in labor (or a D&E), giving birth to, holding your child and saying goodbye. It just isn't.

MeNV · August 2014

Sig warning

A labor and delivery nurse told me she knew how I felt because she had an early miscarriage. I couldn't believe it. I had to go through labor. I had to push. I had to watch my little girl go from kicking her little legs to dying right in front of me. I kissed her tiny nose and adjusted her little hat. I had to watch my husband hold her little body and cry. I was handed a list of funeral homes hours after her birth. Sorry for the tangent. I can’t say my experience was worse than hers, but I can say it was different. For her to say she knew how I felt was unreal.

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