Husband's parents too involved with him

TheaRae · August 2014

My husband works out of state 16 days a month and is home for 12, me being 32 weeks pregnant and alone half the time has made it diffcult for me to get prepped for our little bundle due to arrive soon. When he gets home I have a list of things for him to do (all the things are not safe for me to do) he is always delighted to help however this is only verbal excitement, rather than helping me make progress on the home in preperation for the baby, he spends his time home catering to his parents every request (they are divorced so these are seprate requests) such as helping them move stuff, going shooting at the range, fishing, multiple lunch dates (that he pays for) multiple long phone calls to "catch up". The things I need help doing get put on the back burned until the last minute stressing us both out as we rush to try and complete some of it before he leaves again. I am not sure how to approach this issue, it is extreamly bothersome to me... I feel like I am going to be left moving frinature around organizing and preping for baby all while working full time and taking care of our four year old, because his family was more important than ours. This is not a new issue it is just becoming a pressing issue being that I am coming due soon and nothing has been done, every time I try to discuss any concerns about his parents he is extreamly defensive and closed off, making this extreamly discouraging.

Unknown · August 2014

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Unknown · August 2014

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bitsybubbles7 · August 2014

Connor425 said:

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I have been in a similar situation, but I was in your husbands place. A lot of men ( and women) struggle to move the focus to their new family. It took me years to associate my husband and son as "my family." I would discuss with him the importance of focusing on YOUR family now, but in a way that doesn't come across as negative towards his parents. He might not even be aware that he hasn't made the transition. And if he is aware, it's just a matter of him growing up, and cutting the cord.

^ said perfectly. OP you are not overreacting, but I do think you need to have a heart to heart with your dh.

Unknown · August 2014

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Cat&S · August 2014

She said she gave him a list of stuff that needs to be done. Not overreacting.

OP, discuss with him and tell him you need him to commit certain days to you. Plan a month (or however far out you think is reasonable) in advance so that when his parents call he can say, no sorry, we have plans to paint the nursery that day (or whatever). I'd expect him to commit at least 8-9 of his 12 days home to you and 3-4 to his parents. No more. He needs to put on his big boy panties and cut the cord.

beccalee721 · August 2014

Cat&S said:

She said she gave him a list of stuff that needs to be done. Not overreacting. OP, discuss with him and tell him you need him to commit certain days to you. Plan a month (or however far out you think is reasonable) in advance so that when his parents call he can say, no sorry, we have plans to paint the nursery that day (or whatever). I'd expect him to commit at least 8-9 of his 12 days home to you and 3-4 to his parents. No more. He needs to put on his big boy panties and cut the cord.

This. Why do his parents need so much of this time every month? The majority of his time should be spent at home with his pregnant wife and 4 year old! It's a little ridiculous that every time he's home for 2 weeks the majority of that is taken up by his parents. It's not about abandoning them it's about making sure your family is prepared for your new baby that's coming whether you prepare or not.

bohemianlc · August 2014

First of all, I don't think you are overreacting. If he's getting defensive about his family and you feel like discussing the issue hasn't gotten anywhere, I would perhaps try bringing it up in a different way. Instead of telling him that you feel like he's helping his parents too much, maybe you could ask that he take care of your list before he tackles theirs because you're really worried about the baby coming before those things are done. After all, you're not asking that he doesn't help his parents out at all; you're simply wanting him to make your household the priority because you are his wife and are carrying his child. As PPs have mentioned, it's a maturing process. No one is asking him to abandon his parents, but realistically, his own household with you should be taking the priority now that you are married and expecting a child together.

If it does get to the point that the big things haven't been handled before the baby arrives, don't resort to moving furniture and doing everything yourself while you're caring for a newborn. Perhaps he will have to learn the hard way that if he doesn't pitch in and help, things aren't going to get done and life isn't going to be as smooth and orderly as it could be.

jaminjeff · August 2014

This is a husband problem, not an IL problem. If I needed my husband to do things such as move furniture, paint, remodeling type stuff that I am not good at nor may be physically able to do and he didn't do them, I'd call somebody and give my husband the bill, explaining that since he was too busy, I had someone else help me.

hopanka · August 2014

Nothing wrong with asking H to help you with things, no matter what the list is. Let's be real here. While he may be very busy and his career may be demanding, he is still on his own half the month. So, once he's done with work every day, it's me time. Whereas you work AND take care of your household and child on your own on a daily basis. Oh, plus very pregnant. Even if your list included ironing, he should absolutely make it a priority to share the load and help his partner. Fishing with his father can happen after that is done.

TheaRae · August 2014

For the list right now we are living in a 900 sq ft house, and will be turning our room into the babies space as well, I am needing frinature moved around, the crib set up, help cleaning out the master closet & garage to make space for all the hand me downs and what not we will be storing. We were planning to paint our room hang new curtains ect... so a bit of focus is needed there. Also needing the living room re-arranged, to fit the swing and other things... our whole house really needs an overhaul. We will be storing baby things in every room, and theres alot of boxes and stuff up on high shelves & I am not very cordinated on chairs or ladders right now so I need some help grabbing things down and re-homing them or getting them in my car for donation... I do as much as I can when he is off to work... We also pay a landscaper to do our lawn the 2 weeks he is gone, and he is supposed to take care of it the two weeks he is home, but theres never enough time. I have suggested multiple times we just higher him for the whole month but my hubby insists he will do it and then doesn't. I manage the gardens flower beds weeds ect... cook dinner every night and work full time I am really trying my best. And I am not saying he should focus 100% of his time and energy to us because he works really hard and does deserve to relax, have fun and do whatever he wants to do... I just wish I could see a little more attenchion around the home. I would like to get things all tied up before LO gets here that way we can enjoy her & eachother as well as the holidays.

~We did have a discussion about the subject today and he was very understanding of my concerns and kind towards my requests... this is all just a growing process, thanks for the tips ladies.

JSS1002 · August 2014

Your hubs needs to "leave and cleave," so to speak. But you have to have a heart to heart with him about your needs and expectations and how you are feeling.

JSS1002 · August 2014

Darbie914 said:

JSS1002 said:

Your hubs needs to "leave and cleave," so to speak. But you have to have a heart to heart with him about your needs and expectations and how you are feeling.

What does 'leave and cleave' mean?

It's a biblical term originally - means the dude needs to leave his mother and cleave to his new family.

JSS1002 · August 2014

TheaRae said:

For the list right now we are living in a 900 sq ft house, and will be turning our room into the babies space as well, I am needing frinature moved around, the crib set up, help cleaning out the master closet & garage to make space for all the hand me downs and what not we will be storing. We were planning to paint our room hang new curtains ect... so a bit of focus is needed there. Also needing the living room re-arranged, to fit the swing and other things... our whole house really needs an overhaul. We will be storing baby things in every room, and theres alot of boxes and stuff up on high shelves & I am not very cordinated on chairs or ladders right now so I need some help grabbing things down and re-homing them or getting them in my car for donation... I do as much as I can when he is off to work... We also pay a landscaper to do our lawn the 2 weeks he is gone, and he is supposed to take care of it the two weeks he is home, but theres never enough time. I have suggested multiple times we just higher him for the whole month but my hubby insists he will do it and then doesn't. I manage the gardens flower beds weeds ect... cook dinner every night and work full time I am really trying my best. And I am not saying he should focus 100% of his time and energy to us because he works really hard and does deserve to relax, have fun and do whatever he wants to do... I just wish I could see a little more attenchion around the home. I would like to get things all tied up before LO gets here that way we can enjoy her & eachother as well as the holidays.
~We did have a discussion about the subject today and he was very understanding of my concerns and kind towards my requests... this is all just a growing process, thanks for the tips ladies.

Yeha, don't get on ladders and chairs, but certainly you can do the crib (I did both of ours, very pregnant), and I would just go ahead and hire that landscaper and tell him that you did it.

TheaRae · August 2014

Idani said:

I'm going to be honest and say a lot of the things you could do though. We remodeled our entire house when I was pregnant with my second. My husband at the time had crazy hours so I had my parents watch DS1 a few times and I painted, reorganized, put together the baby items again etc. The truly much too difficult things for me I left for DH but he was much more willing to help when it wasn't everything I was asking him to do. It sounds like you guys are talking it out and hopefully you can get to a common middle ground. But I would think if he came home to say the paint done, he would gladly help with the curtains. Or if you had all the items you wanted to donate in one location, ask if he could drop them off. If you can't get to certain things due to needing a ladder, can your FIL come over and grab it? Pay a neighbor kid $10 to do it? Just from the posts it sounds like you are throwing it all at him when he is home to do together when really you could possibly have a good chunk of it done or partially done then you guys can do some fun things when he is home so it doesn't seem like it is all work.

You can paint while your pregnant? And I do so much when he is not home, the majority of things that are done around the house were done by me. I don't expect him to do it all alone I will help with everything on that needs to be done I just cannot do it by myself. We also have our own plans that we do with friends and our monthly dates and what not that take up time as well from prepping... this month we had an extra long list of weddings and events to attend on top of the things we need to do around the house... time just feels extreamly crunched.

TheaRae · August 2014

Idani said:

Yes you can paint. Just keep it ventilated, take breaks and make sure you don't get overheated. Most places you can get the low voc paint as well.

Good to know, I though it was taboo. Thanks

hopanka · August 2014

I wouldn't paint, no way.

phdprocrastinator · August 2014

Cat&S said:

She said she gave him a list of stuff that needs to be done. Not overreacting. OP, discuss with him and tell him you need him to commit certain days to you. Plan a month (or however far out you think is reasonable) in advance so that when his parents call he can say, no sorry, we have plans to paint the nursery that day (or whatever). I'd expect him to commit at least 8-9 of his 12 days home to you and 3-4 to his parents. No more. He needs to put on his big boy panties and cut the cord.

Given that you have a clear list of to-do's, I don't see this as an overreaction on your part. I like this suggestion a lot here. You could even approach the conversation with "I know you need to see your family, but we also need to get things done. Let's plan to set aside some days for you to stay home and some times for you to see your mom and dad." Then set the calendar. If a parent calls to ask for help, he knows what times are open for him to help them. Otherwise, he really should be helping get everything all set up, enjoying his family of 3 before the new one arrives, etc.

ashiscute · August 2014

hopanka said:

I wouldn't paint, no way.

Why? I've painted during both my pregnancies. There's no reason that you can't.

silverwings72 · August 2014

Honestly, I don't think OP is over reacting at all. She sounds very rational and understanding of her husband's needs. She is at home half the month taking care of their child by herself. That is awesome. It's time for him to start admitting that he has to either hire out or put more time into his home with his family. if she doesn't feel like painting or putting a crib together then why should she? It's not unrealistic to ask her husband to help with these things. Not at all.
Time for a heart to heart OP.

silverwings72 · August 2014

Also, something I have learned is to schedule the big things with my husband. We do the big projects together. I tell him this Saturday we are putting the crib together and cleaning out the guest room. When Saturday comes around we both support one another in getting the chores done. That way the task doesn't seem so daunting and it is completed. Just a thought.

Unknown · August 2014

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GeminiJordan · August 2014

I'm baffled that people are telling you that you are overreacting, I'd be pretty pissed too.

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