When DH says "meh..." RANT

littleboyermoose · August 2014

I'm so frustrated with my DH I could cry. I really want him to show some excitement about his little boy, but so far all he does is talks about sending him to boarding school and teaching him how to "get in line." Tonight little guy was kicking up a storm and when I told DH to feel he sighed heavily and said "he will probably stop soon anyway." My BFF says her SO was similar before her daughter was born, and now he is a doting dad, but I can't help but worry. I know lots of couples who are expecting right now, and it seems like both parties are excited and looking forward to the new adventure. My husband keeps talking about never getting to sleep again, having no money and giving up his sex life. Don't get me wrong, he treats me really well and takes very good care of me, but he seems unexcited by the little life he helped create.

I just want him to care a little bit.

Can anyone relate?

mrsrroberson · August 2014

Aww, I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I remember with my second, my ex was so disconnected and whatever about it. With how sensitive we are while pregnant, I remember one time I was crying and telling him how he didn't love this baby. It defenitley changed and he ended up bonding just fine with our son. Hope you feel better.

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

I'm sorry he is doing this... I've noticed that my own baby is more real for me than my husband right now. He definitely sees our LO as someone who is "coming in December" instead of someone who is here right now and it can come across as a bit disinterested or stressed out.

That said, your SO seems to have some real fears about parenthood that you might want to work on before baby gets here. Maybe he needs to read some books on it or get some outside help. The line about boarding school and keeping him in line really sent a red flag up for me. The poor kid is still a fetus and already failing to meet expectations of behavior? That's pretty harsh. Has you SO spent much time around babies or children? It seems less like he is disinterested and more like he is angry or resentful about this baby. Maybe if he saw some healthy, happy babies he would see how awesome they could be (without shipping them off to school)? Or maybe getting him some counseling to deal with the changes that are coming up. I dunno exactly how to handle it but I hope you can work on it and make him realize a baby is not a death sentence.

I really hope he comes around when the baby is born and his attitude changes. But I urge you to watch out and stick up for you LO and not let dad's fears about his behavior become self-fulfilling prophecies.

weezy29 · August 2014

I agree with the above post. It sounds like DH might be having some anger and resentment issues already.

The thing is, it's okay to have concerns about how baby will change your life. The reasons your husband had stated are very valid. You do get SO much less sleep, money is tighter and yep, the sex is less regular in the beginning, too. While I think it's okay to be realistic about all this, there also has to be a balance. As shitty as all those things are, the good outweighs the bad when it comes to a baby. I sure hope he can see this and doesn't go into parenthood with regrets and a bad attitude.

littleboyermoose · August 2014

Thanks ladies...
@ColeyCannoli‌- I want to believe that he is joking when he talks about boarding school and all that. The guy is really a loving human being. But I have told him that it would be nice if he talked sweetly to the baby once in a while, and he just acts like I'm a crazy fool and says the kid doesn't know the difference. I think you're right. He is scared, but he doesn't want to talk about his feelings and instead jokes about how his life is over? I dunno. I'm afraid that one of these days I will break down sobbing and then he will change his tune. I don't want It to be like that though.

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

littleboyermoose said:

Thanks ladies... @ColeyCannoli‌- I want to believe that he is joking when he talks about boarding school and all that. The guy is really a loving human being. But I have told him that it would be nice if he talked sweetly to the baby once in a while, and he just acts like I'm a crazy fool and says the kid doesn't know the difference. I think you're right. He is scared, but he doesn't want to talk about his feelings and instead jokes about how his life is over? I dunno. I'm afraid that one of these days I will break down sobbing and then he will change his tune. I don't want It to be like that though.

Ah, if he is joking that does change how harsh it is. Hopefully he is just nervous and will get over it. Try talking up the awesome parts of having a baby. When he says how little sleep he is gonna get, remind him that he'll have a little boy who idolizes him. When he jokes about boarding school ask why he wants to miss all the games/plays/recitals (whatever you SO likes) that your boy will be in. Play up all the fun, silly things about little boys. I've noticed a lot of people can get so fatalistic about babies. I have friends who have told me they don't want kids for years because they "still have so much they still want to do in life." And my only response is "who said a baby would kill you?" Yeah, it's harder in some ways to do things but it won't end your life. Young kids are especially difficult but they grow up faster than you will believe.

Kids are not easy but people wouldn't keep having them if there wasn't an awesome side to it. And if you feel like crying, do it. Talk to him and let him know that even though baby doesn't understand what he is saying - you do, and it hurts your feelings. I really do hope he comes around soon or at least stops stressing you out. Good luck!

brookey79 · August 2014

I can relate! My DH is also not very excited for the baby yet either. He's just not a baby/kid person. We have plenty of friends with kids and he never shows any interest. He came to the A/S and I thought that may get him more excited, but he was pretty blasé about it. It's not that he didn't want a child (we tried for quite a while), I think he's just nervous because he has no idea what to expect. He has also made joking comments about boarding school etc. I'm sure that once he meets his daughter and your DH meets his son, it will be completely different. I agree though, it would be much nicer if he showed some excitement!

agsgrrl · August 2014

Mine seems to tell everybody else besides me which is frustrating but he's like that about everything. Although we did get a reaction when she yawned during the ultrasound.

JRod13 · August 2014

For a lot of guys it doesn't seem real until the baby gets here. H was a total ass my first pregnancy, he did a total 180 when DS was born. If I had to guess, I'd say he's nervous and unsure of how he's "supposed" to act at this juncture. I mean, we get the symptoms, feel all the movements, we're moms from day one. Guys don't have any of that, they just watch our misery, get a kick in the back once in awhile, and see pics on a monitor...it takes them a little longer to bond. Try to keep your head up, I'm sure he'll be way more excited when the baby actually gets here.

Shortstack06 · August 2014

I am 20 weeks today, I don't think it has really hit my husband that we are having a baby yet. I didn't have any morning sickness or any weird cravings (other than fresh lemonade), so I haven't had many of the usual symptoms to show him yes there is a baby there. He did go to the ultrasounds with me and was pretty amazed by those. I can obviously feel the kicks but I feel them with my hand also. He says he can't and I just need to get over the fact he probably won't be able to feel them. I think his hands are just so callused he doesn't feel it right now, I may bring it up once they get a little stronger. I am the one to bring up baby, he doesn't really bring it up at all. So I just resigned myself to leave it be until he starts to show more interest.

I think it takes until the baby arrives for it to sink in with most men that they're a dad. When you feel the baby and have that kind of connection, it is easier to grasp.

ssebens · August 2014

I don't know if this would help but I have been buying a couple of the onesies with daddy sayings on them. I have one that says "Daddy's Little Monkey" and another one (again with a monkey) that says "Hanging Out With Daddy". Maybe find one or two of those to get your husband?? My husband LOVES them because they remind him that soon he is going to be able to be a huge part of his son's life. There are also ones like Daddy's Favorite MVP and such so, if your husband is into sports, you could get them and tell him you thought baby could wear it when he and daddy are watching sports together or make something up like that to remind him of the fun things he will get to share with his son.

nopegoat · August 2014

Exactly what @JRod13‌ said. My H sucked when I was pregnant with my first. We were young and he was clueless. The day our first was born it finally clicked and he is an amazing dad.

My H also isn't the type to talk to the baby or get really excited about feeling them move. It upset me at first, but that's just the way he is and he more than made up for it once our boys were born.

My H was raised in a very strict southern household and when we were pregnant with my first he would say how strict he wanted to discipline him and all these crazy rules and "manly" notions. Yea. It ALL went out the window once the baby was born. I think he was just trying to take some control (and comfort in having some control) over a very unknown situation.

mlee116 · August 2014

I agree a lot with what PP's said. Sometimes for men, its harder for them to relate to the baby/pregnancy because they aren't the ones feeling the baby and dealing with it 24/7. All they know is our account of it, so its hard for them to "get it." DH would touch my belly or feel the kicks when I was pregnant with DS, but he wasn't as into it as I felt like he should be. But the second DS was born, he did a 180. He had never been around babies much and I just don't think it clicked until he saw Samuel for the first time. He is absolutely smitten with DS and they have an amazing bond.

My H was raised very similar to @kdm06c's. Before DS arrived, DH had all these ideas and notions about how things would be with a son. He'd say that he would never do x and y and DS was going to be taught to do this and that. Well, its easy to say that now but once he is here and your H realizes that this is his little baby boy (and not some random kid), I'm sure he will loosen up.

emp156 · August 2014

i agree that it's just not as real for them as it is for us. hopefully, as many PPs suggested, it will change when baby gets here. spending time with little ones was a great suggestion. also, have any doting dad friends? hanging out with a positive peer "doting dad" may be good for him and shake some nerves.

just this week my DH started reading a little bedtime book to baby. it's super short, but when i told him that baby could hear sounds he wanted to make sure baby heard him a lot. it's seriously the cutest thing ever - DH reads and talks to baby as if i'm not there and it makes my heart explode. if your DH is willing, you could try it - or find something that he can do that's just his bonding time over the next few months in preparation.

leoandethansmom · August 2014

@ColeyCannoli‌ I hate when people say stuff like there's so much life to live before I have kids. Sure they make you tired but they don't take away your life! DH used to say stuff like that when I was pregnant with DS and it drove me insane. Granted it was unplanned and we hardly knew each other but it all worked out for us. I honestly don't think I even knew what my purpose in life was until I had DS, nothing before him seems like it was worth near as much as raising him has been.

Cristin343 · August 2014

I have a funny story to share. One of my husbands buddies (who was also the first in our circle of friends to have a baby) did NOT want to have children.
His wife wears the pants and told him it was TIME. He would come over and complain to my H about how his wife was off the pill and trying to trick him into getting her pregnant. He had been sleeping on the couch. This guy did not want kids. Well, wifey got her way and got pregnant.
He complained and hung out over here quite a bit during the pregnancy.
Now his sole purpose in life appears to be doting over his beautiful baby girl. He's one of those guys who constantly talks about his little girl, and posts photos of her on Instagram. He took to fatherhood like he was born to be a dad.

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