Finding self confidence after baby?

Twiggymommy · August 2014

So most of yell know I have a 2 month old. Before I got pregnant I was 110 lbs, and recovering from am eating disorder. (I had pretty much gotten pregnant right out of treatment) and while I was pregnant I was too consumed with joy to really be anxious about my weight. (there were a couple days that weren't so great but for the most part I was really focused on keeping baby healthy) by the time I had him I had gained almost 100lbs and even though I know it's not good.. I started working out the day we got home from the hospital. Luckily nothing bad happened and I recovered fine. I'm also bfing so I'm still keeping my intake over 2000.

Im noe ALMOST at 140 and even though my so tells me I've never looked better (I think it's the boobs) and I'm technically a healthy weight I can't help but fixate on the parts of my body I don't think are "perfect" yet.

When I got out of the shower tonight I looked in the mirror and just cried until I heard Griffin on the monitor. I'm already seeing a therapist and am on meds for ppd.

So I guess what I'm asking is how did yall lovely ladies find your self confidence after having your kids? Thanks!

Twiggymommy · August 2014

@NandaB‌ I suppose you're right, it's just a lot harder to actually get it out of my mouth than to type it out if that makes sense? After years of hiding it it's hard to not try to.

Louie4real · August 2014

^^what nanda said. If it's hard to talk about, maybe journal and bring it to your appt?

I wish you the best of luck, that can't be easy to deal with. ((Hugs))

Twiggymommy · August 2014

@Louie4real‌ that's actually not a bad idea, in treatment r they had us write in a journal every day but mine was mostly about how missed being home and how I couldn't wait to snuggle with ds1 lol. And the when I got home I kinda just stopped. Maybe it's time to start back up. I mean, it couldn't hurt.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

I agree you need to call a counselor. I am sorry you are dealing with this I know it is difficult.

notreallyirish · August 2014

Definitely contact your therapist. You may need more extensive help than you are currently getting.

Also, I agree on the journaling. I was going to suggest it even before I read PPs. I'm seeing a therapist for anxiety and I've been writing 3 pages every day. It seems dumb , annoying or pointless at first but it really helps. It helps to get my thoughts down and out of my head. It also helps to look directly at my self criticisms and figure out where they come from--myself, someone else, an experience when I was younger. I try to write good or objective things to counter the bad. You can also just write about cute kid experiences or everyday frustrations. It all helps put life a little more in perspective, which can be so hard to do.

vlagrl29 · August 2014

I understand those thoughts in your head even though I never had an eating disorder. I gained 76lbs when I was pregnant with DD. I'm 5'3" and gaining that much was so hard on my body. I lost half of it in the first month because of all the water weight. The other half I had to work off. I had a c/section and the day I got the ok to work out again at 6 weeks pp, I was in the gym with a trainer 4-5 days a week. I weighed 133 before I was pregnant and got up to 208 at nine months pregnant. I lost all the weight by the time DD was 1 year old but I still felt I had a bigger pooch than before. DD is 3 years old now and I'm down to a size 4 again. I stopped trying to loose weight a year ago. I still have a bit of a pooch, but honestly it really doesn't bother me anymore. It will be very important for me to not gain that much weight again when we have a 2nd kid. I didn't want any photos taken of my face when I was pregnant, just the belly because I gained weight everywhere.

I'm sorry you are going thru this, your baby isn't that old and I'm sure you look great. Keep working on it with your therapist. Try to compliment yourself on parts of your body that you do love. Sorry I can't offer much more advice. It may sound weird but yoga was a godsend to me. I found a yoga studio a little over a year ago and only practice that. I gave up the gym, weights, running. I've never felt better about my body than I do now. I've learned to love my body and accept it.

monkeybutt61612 · August 2014

Not much too add, but I was around 120 while I got pregnant with my first and gained close to 100 pounds too. I lost about 60 pounds before getting pregnant again. I only gained 35 with my second, but am trying really hard to eat well and stay active. Accepting that this is my new body is difficult though. I always bordered on disordered eating. Thankfully, I have a really supportive husband. I don't want to pass my body image issues on to my daughter, so I try to be positive about my body. It helps.

flerlgirl · August 2014

I agree with PP. And I wanted to add that this sounds like it's not about your weight. You can weigh 100 lbs or 300 lbs but if you truly don't like yourself then all the weight loss in the world won't make a difference. I wish you the best and I hope you find a way to tell your therapist what you are feeling.

raraavis28 · August 2014

flerlgirl said:

I agree with PP. And I wanted to add that this sounds like it's not about your weight. You can weigh 100 lbs or 300 lbs but if you truly don't like yourself then all the weight loss in the world won't make a difference. I wish you the best and I hope you find a way to tell your therapist what you are feeling.

There is a lot of truth in this, and in what other PPs have said. I had an eating disorder for years before I had my twins and it's so much more about what's going on in your head than what's on the scale. No matter how textbook healthy your weight is or how great people say you look, it's about what you see and how you process the stress that life throws your way.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. Having a brand new baby that soon after treatment is a very vulnerable place to be, so don't despair if you find yourself slipping into negative thought patterns. Just make sure to speak up if you are struggling, and give yourself time to adjust to your new life, the changes your body is going through, and anything else that's putting stress on you. Journaling is great advice too.

Hang in there, and take it one day at a time. Maybe when you're looking in the mirror and "fixating" on the parts that aren't looking the way you want them to, try reworking your thought process....like "My body is amazing and powerful; it can give life and nourish my sweet little baby. I am so loved and mean so much to my SO and boys. Today I choose to be strong and healthy for them, even if I can't do it for me yet." Etc. Hope that helps...hugs!

Twiggymommy · August 2014

Thanks everyone for your kind words!. I have moved up my monthly appointment to Friday so hopefully all goes well.

For those of you who have said it's not about weight, you're totally right. While I can't speak for everyone it an eating disorder, I know that for me it's a contrrol/perfection issue. When I feel like I am not in control in other aspects of my life I tend to spiral out of control.

Again thank you ladies soo much, although I didn't get the answers I was looking for I think the answers I did get helped more. Yall have definitely opened my eyes that I may be slipping and instead of hiding it I'm going to try to get help before it gets bad.

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