whoa just whoa..

creativesoul83 · August 2014

Ok ladies,
I am not sure what to make this thread but in need of a vent and advice how to discuss this issue or pretend it never happened. back story.

Ok you don't know this but I was adopted and given up at birth. I am so thankful I was raised by amazing parents. I met my biological family in 2010 we have had a relationship. My bio sister threw my bachlorette party which was over 3years ago and we have matching tattoos.

So here is the thing. My dh and I traveled over 7 hours to Ohio this past weekend for my bio mom 50th birthday party with "white trash" theme. It started out fine till the party everyone was drinking a lot my husband had a few I had tea andwater only. Well I have been married for over 3 years and been trying for 3years to have a baby. we have had 3 losses over past year. My sister is a lesbian (not an issue as I too have dated women just part of the story) she had just been diagnosed with endometriosis and is 3 years younger then me. and had not had a relationship to last longer than 4 months.

Well while my sister her friends and I were in the kitchen my sister touches my stomach and said it should be her that is pregnant nut me!!! What in the freaking world!! I felt like I was stabbed in the heart!! she knew of my losses and how hard it had been. I held back tears and just told her she has time.

Fast forward the evening 2+ hours well a lot more drinking. I want outside and walked in to a very awkward conversation between my brother and sister my husband was sitting there so was my brothers pregnant girlfriend. My sister is trying to convince my brother to donate sperm for her hypothetical wife she doesn't have.... My thought geez this is weird hi uncle daddy. It gets worse!! So he is trying to politely tell her no. mentioning it is not fair to him or the child to not act as father child and how confusing it would be. she said some mean things again. he final told her no!!! after I interjected points since I am adopted and know how it is to wonder.

Well after my brother told her no!!! and conversation was over she got mad and said " well M said he was ok with it if A was!!" Well m is my dh and A is me. I was so angry and hurt A: that convo was behind my back B: that my husband would have a baby with another woman even if there was no physical or any other contact!(after all we had been through) C: that my sister even asked him of all people! our brother shares our blood and physical traits not my husband!!!

I was so upset with my husband and cried in the bathroom for 20minutes I felt so betrayed and still do only by sister. dh said he only said that after she badgered him relentlessly since he knew I would never go for it. dh and I stayed up late discussing what happened and how he wanted no part but didn't want to upset my sister.

I would never want my husband doing that it is weird in that matter. I would donate eggs only for my sister if she needed them but not my dh sperm.

So I haven't spoken to get since thatnight So not sure how to approach it. I am really hurt she wouldn't take my feeling it lolosses into account with her acting that way. I love her but don't feel like there is trust there.

What would you do? Sorry so long just wanted to try and set the scene so you can understand.

sparklingwhit · August 2014

I wouldn't worry about it. It's just a hypothetical and your husband was just humoring her since she was obviously emotional about the whole thing. Personally, I think it's a little odd that she was so pushy, but I can't imagine what it would be like to know that you cannot have biological children with the (hypothetical) person you love because science doesn't work that way...although:

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/3323846/Sperm-cells-created-from-female-embryo.html

lizgrace03 · August 2014

creativesoul83 said:

Ok ladies, I am not sure what to make this thread but in need of a vent and advice how to discuss this issue or pretend it never happened. back story. Ok you don't know this but I was adopted and given up at birth. I am so thankful I was raised by amazing parents. I met my biological family in 2010 we have had a relationship. My bio sister threw my bachlorette party which was over 3years ago and we have matching tattoos. So here is the thing. My dh and I traveled over 7 hours to Ohio this past weekend for my bio mom 50th birthday party with "white trash" theme. It started out fine till the party everyone was drinking a lot my husband had a few I had tea andwater only. Well I have been married for over 3 years and been trying for 3years to have a baby. we have had 3 losses over past year. My sister is a lesbian (not an issue as I too have dated women just part of the story) she had just been diagnosed with endometriosis and is 3 years younger then me. and had not had a relationship to last longer than 4 months. Well while my sister her friends and I were in the kitchen my sister touches my stomach and said it should be her that is pregnant nut me!!! What in the freaking world!! I felt like I was stabbed in the heart!! she knew of my losses and how hard it had been. I held back tears and just told her she has time. Fast forward the evening 2+ hours well a lot more drinking. I want outside and walked in to a very awkward conversation between my brother and sister my husband was sitting there so was my brothers pregnant girlfriend. My sister is trying to convince my brother to donate sperm for her hypothetical wife she doesn't have.... My thought geez this is weird hi uncle daddy. It gets worse!! So he is trying to politely tell her no. mentioning it is not fair to him or the child to not act as father child and how confusing it would be. she said some mean things again. he final told her no!!! after I interjected points since I am adopted and know how it is to wonder. Well after my brother told her no!!! and conversation was over she got mad and said " well M said he was ok with it if A was!!" Well m is my dh and A is me. I was so angry and hurt A: that convo was behind my back B: that my husband would have a baby with another woman even if there was no physical or any other contact!(after all we had been through) C: that my sister even asked him of all people! our brother shares our blood and physical traits not my husband!!! I was so upset with my husband and cried in the bathroom for 20minutes I felt so betrayed and still do only by sister. dh said he only said that after she badgered him relentlessly since he knew I would never go for it. dh and I stayed up late discussing what happened and how he wanted no part but didn't want to upset my sister. I would never want my husband doing that it is weird in that matter. I would donate eggs only for my sister if she needed them but not my dh sperm. So I haven't spoken to get since thatnight So not sure how to approach it. I am really hurt she wouldn't take my feeling it lolosses into account with her acting that way. I love her but don't feel like there is trust there. What would you do? Sorry so long just wanted to try and set the scene so you can understand.

The bolded sounds like the first problem.

That aside, people do weird things when they're drunk. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Wait for her to bring it up. She may not even really remember depending on how drunk she was.

creativesoul83 · August 2014

@sparklingwhit‌ I liked that article. It would be awesome for it to be viable. previous in the night she said she wanted to carry so that was also what caught me of guard she was asking family to donate.

creativesoul83 · August 2014

@lizgrace03‌ I agree it was awkward!!! they definitely went full out with the theme and the way they talked and acted even insulting my education since I was raised in tn.... I just consider the source. however my sis took it to far

mamatohne · August 2014

The title of this thread says it all.

silverwings72 · August 2014

Why are you expecting sane, rational behaviors from people who are drunk? I would be hurt too if my family did these things to me, I am not minimizing this at all. I just have a hard time taking anything serious when the alcohol gets a little overboard. Speak with your sister when she is sober, tell her she stepped over your boundaries and hurt your feelings. She may not even remember but she does need to respect your feelings. Good luck.

minibean16 · August 2014

The timing of your sister's request and the way she went about it was wrong. Yes, she was drunk, and her judgement was likely not working too well.

That said, I don't think the idea behind her request was 'weird' as you put it. You are totally within your rights to say no (as I likely would), but there are lots of couples who entertain scenarios like this in order to have a child. Don't judge their decisions if it works for them.

missnacholover · August 2014

It sounds like she was drunk and talking out of her ass. And your DH probably "agreed" to donate his sperm just to shut her the fuck up. Honestly, I wouldn't take any of it seriously. Obviously if this was a real situation where your DH was about to jerk off into a cup, then a serious conversation between all parties would be warranted. And no alcohol present.

Your sister sounds like quite the attention whore.

hiketheworld · August 2014

Ugh. That is a crappy situation. I'd feel betrayed too if I heard my DH said something like that. I agree with the others that alcohol probably played a role in it.

I don't think her request to your brother is out of line, but of course he has the right to say no. I'm sure she is frustrated that she can't have children that are biologically hers and her partners. I would be too. I probably wouldn't bring it up again and wait until she does. If she only brings it up while drinking just tell her it's a serious issue that you won't discuss until everyone is sober.

JustJainey · August 2014

Drunk plus emotional baggage is never a good combination. I would take your sister's comments with a grain of salt, unless they continued while she was sober.

In terms of your DH, he sounds like he was just trying to keep the peace, in the moment. Clearly he could deduce that your sister wasn't going to take "no" for an answer and just didn't want to get into it with an intoxicated person. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I didn't see if you said he was drinking a lot too - but if yes, then his ability to problem solve in the situation would have been compromised too.

I also think that being the person who was sober during all this gives you an entirely different perspective on things.

HappyToBeHere · August 2014

I agree - people do/say some crazy stuff when drunk, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would, however, discuss with your sister how much hurt it brought to you if you're comfortable having the conversation. I'm sorry you had to deal with that

. I think your H was simply trying to get her off his back, so I really wouldn't hold it against him.

KMW08 · August 2014

I'm still processing the fact that she would ask her own brother for sperm. Is that even legal????

That alone should be enough to determine she was either drinking too much or has not really thought thoroughly about achieving pregnancy, other than the fact she needs sperm.

I agree with @missnacholover‌, your sister seems like an attention whore.

minibean16 · August 2014

KMW08 said:
I'm still processing the fact that she would ask her own brother for sperm. Is that even legal????

That alone should be enough to determine she was either drinking too much or has not really thought thoroughly about achieving pregnancy, other than the fact she needs sperm.

I agree with @missnacholover‌, your sister seems like an attention whore.

Haha! That took me a moment too. I think the brother's sperm was to be used for a hypothetical future spouse.

wallygirl · August 2014

@creativesoul83‌ Hopefully all of her nonsense was just from being drunk. I hate confrontation however if it was going to continue to bother me I would approach her about it. Obviously not when she's drinking

As a side note, are you from TN or do you live there now?

KMW08 · August 2014

minibean16 said:

KMW08 said:
I'm still processing the fact that she would ask her own brother for sperm. Is that even legal????

That alone should be enough to determine she was either drinking too much or has not really thought thoroughly about achieving pregnancy, other than the fact she needs sperm.

I agree with @missnacholover‌, your sister seems like an attention whore.
Haha! That took me a moment too. I think the brother's sperm was to be used for a hypothetical future spouse.

Bhahaha I totally missed that part!! #:-S

dbgwife · August 2014

There should be a known rule stating that any and all drunken conversations should be forgotten in the morning. Really though, I think most of this was emotional baggage she's carrying, mixed with alcohol. Which always results in a mess! It's not alway easy being the only sober one while people are drunk and speaking out their asses. It sounds like your hubby was just trying to diffuse the situation and did the best he could while drunk. I wouldn't hold it against him. I really think with how drunk you described her, she was hardly thinking about anyone but herself and her own future.

Kristy774 · August 2014

What everyone else has said is right on. Don't be mad at your DH, and like everyone else said people are nuts when they are drunk.

jj0313 · August 2014

Her first comment was very insensitive and I can only hope it was the booze helping her put her foot in her mouth. You would be totally justified in telling her that it hurt your feelings-might not be worth the effort though, especially considering you logically know it was coming from a hurt place in her heart too.

Re: the sperm. It's not uncommon for lesbians to seek a doner from the family so the child has both parents genetic makeup. Totally ok for your brother not to be ok with it but I don't think it was unfair for her to bring it up. Sounds like your husband was just put in a real awkward position and props to him for remembering to say he'd need to ask you! Not worth getting emotional over, IMO. Though I cried the other day when there was a line at the doughnut place so I get it.

jj0313 · August 2014

And also I don't see the benefit in it being your husbands sperm except that she'd know where it came from and it would be free.

creativesoul83 · August 2014

@wallygirl‌ @wallygirl‌

jj0313 said:
And also I don't see the benefit in it being your husbands sperm except that she'd know where it came from and it would be free.

Yes that is what confused me as well. I am not mad at dh he and I are very good. we have been through to much when he explained whyhe said that we were good. I understand him not wanting cconfrontation.

I am also aware of using family members reproductive for lesbian or men who want it to have both sides. It was awkward her doing it in front of 7other people. which a few walked off shaking their heads.

Also earlier in the night before excessive drinking that she had s couple men friends who were gay who were willing to donateand wanted to be left out of the child's life for my sister to carry. before her heavy drinking she wanted to be pregnant. So I got confused why she jumped to hypothetical wife.

I love her just going to give it time and hope things get better for herbut don't plan on being in a situationlike that again. No more "white trash" parties.

@wallygirl I was born and raised her in tn. My mother came to tn have birth to me then went back to Ohio where my siblings were born and raised. (which I am truly blessed/lucky she did. I was raised by phenomenal parents my sister was jealous she wasn't adopted by my tn mom as well. my mom is called "The Southern Mary Poppins" she is a great woman.

I appreciate everyone's input. I was just stunned and needed to get it out in the open. thank y'all for reading and putting up with this crazy situation that I am going to let play out on its own.

wallygirl · August 2014

@creativesoul83‌ Sounds like your mom was great! Was just curious as I'm a TN girl as well. Sorry for the situation you're in. Family drama is always rough and even more so when it's with siblings/family that you don't have a childhood or long-time bond with.

creativesoul83 · August 2014

@wallygirl‌ oh wow, do you still live in tn? I haven't seen many people from tn on here especially around our time.

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