smoking MIL what would you do?

trudibell · August 2014

My mother in law sometimes watches my son. Sometimes she comes over here and sometimes we leave him at her house. I am grateful that she is willing to take time out of her schedule to help us out sporadically.

Sadly, the past few times my 14 month old has spent time at her house he and his belongings reek like cigarettes. I have never seen her smoke, but her house has increasingly smelled like cigarettes. I have brought this up with my husband that I am concerned that she is smoking, and possibly smoking around our son, but he says that her house is just musty. We used to live with her and I don't remember it smelling this way then or at all in the six years I have known her. Henry does not smell like smoke when she watches him at our place, however we live in an apartment with a strict no-smoking policy.

My husband refuses to bring it up with her. I don't want to judge her lifestyle, if she wants to smoke obviously that's her choice and privilege, but I really do not want anyone smoking around my son for obvious reasons. I don't want to fight with my husband over this, so I'm asking what would you do.

Thanks.

dufferoo · August 2014

If you're pretty sure it's cigarette smoke, then I probably wouldn't confront her about it, but just wouldn't ask her to sit over at her house anymore. If you're really not sure it's smoke, you could always ask in a light non-confrontational way the next time you pick up your son, like "Hey ha ha you're not letting little Johnny smoke over here are you? ha ha" just to give her a chance to own up or explain otherwise.

kjsmith9 · August 2014

Pinkie78 said:

That's really tough because your husband doesn't want to bring it up! I don't know if I could be quiet about it and would really want to just nicely ask her if she has friends come over who smoke around the baby.

I would do something like this too. Or ask nonchalantly if she happened to take him somewhere where other people were smoking, since his clothes smelled funny.

trudibell · August 2014

I'm an ex-smoker and I quit years ago knowing one day I wanted to be a mom, so it's really upsetting to me and it's definitely cigarettes - not mold, but my husband (who never smoked) says it's not cigarettes, and he refuses to confront her about it. I don't have the best relationship or communication with her and I'm afraid if I did it myself he'd be upset with me and she'd take it like I was accusing her of hurting my son.

I guess I will just avoid having anymore overnights or if she baby-sits she will only do it here from now on, because she knows it's the apartments policy to be non-smoking - actually that's one of the big reasons we chose this apartment because they also have a zero tolerance policy about cigarettes.

jcrising · August 2014

I think you should bring it up firmly but kindly, by saying something like "I know you are a smoker and that is fine, but the baby has smelled like smoke the last few times he was at your house and we are very concerned about the effects of being around second hand smoke, so can you make your home a smoke-free zone when the baby is visiting?" Or something along those lines. But I agree with the other posters that your husband needs to be 100% supportive of your stance with your MIL.

summererobinson · August 2014

I would just ask if they did anything that say that put him around smoke. I will say this, even if shes smoking in the house but not around him his clothes will smell like it. That doesn’t mean shes smoking around him though

I think cutting out overnights or saying no more at her house is going to offend her way more than just outright asking her. Shes not going to understand

welly01 · August 2014

2013mommy said:

What would I do? I have a zero tolerance policy with smoking around my child. I would not have her watch him at her house again. But I am really crazy about smoking. I would be really upset if my child smelt like cigarettes multiple times. If it bothers you, your husband needs to step up and support you. Obviously, it is completely her choice to smoke (or maybe she has a friend or SO smoking?) but it is your choice to not want your child around it.

Same here. She can smoke all she wants, but she wouldn't be watching my child.

welly01 · August 2014

Also, I have very little patience for men who can't talk to their mothers. Tell him to bring it up with her or you will.

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