4 Year Old Behavior?

kaylaalainee · August 2014

This is a little bit of a rant, but also seeking advice.

I play step mother to my boyfriend's 4 year old daughter four or five days a week. I'm also currently pregnant with our first child together, and absolutely miserable with morning sickness, and as selfish as it sounds sometimes I really just want to be left alone. I spend all day long with her, and we do lots of fun things like going to the pool, arts and crafts, playing with toys, and watching movies together. She is in absolutely no way shape or form lacking attention. She has an awesome bedroom full of more toys and dolls than me and my two siblings had combined. But she REFUSES to play in her bedroom. She will not leave me alone for TEN minutes. I understand she loves me and wants to play, but what I don't understand is why she can't comprehend that when I ask her nicely to go play in her room for a little bit, it isn't a punishment. I do a lot of work from home, and I'll try to say "Go in your room and play with your dolls for a little bit while I get this work done, and then after lunch we'll go to the pool." I don't feel this is outside of the boundaries of reason by any means, and she understands much more difficult concepts much easier. But when I ask things like this ovf her, she stands in the hallway and cries and screams and shrieks like she's in physical pain. If she isn't doing that, she'll stand there fiddling with her hands and not speaking, but looking like a wounded kitten. I've calmly explained to her "You aren't in trouble, playing in your bedroom is not punishment, I just need an hour to take care of some adult things" multiple times, and she'll just stare at me like I'm speaking in another language. I honestly think she plays dumb on purpose because she isn't getting her way. She'll tell me she's tired, and then I'll say "then go take a nap" and she says "I don't want to take a nap" so I'll say "then go in your room and play" and she'll say "I don't want to play" so I'll ask her what she wants to do and she just stares at me and doesn't answer the question. I feel like being an only child she's in serious need of a playmate, but that isn't something I can make happen over night, and I feel like I'm going to rip all of my hair out of my head before the end of this pregnancy.

I've tried everything I can think of, but I'm swiftly running out of ideas. It isn't my intention for her to be the kind of child that stays in her bedroom all day long, I just want an hour or two a day to myself. She fights with me on nap time, and sometimes I literally have to put her down for a nap ten times before she'll stay in the bed. I just don't understand why she's so clingy. Is this a serious issue? Does this sound like an anxiety disorder or something? Or is she just a really clingy kid and she'll be different once her new little sibling is old enough for them to play together?

NotSharknado · August 2014

My almost 3 year old is the same way. She will not play independently at all, especially in her room. I'm not sure if this is typical or not. In fact she really doesn't play with toys. There's always a chance something is going on, or she's just needy. As for you, is her mother in the picture? Does she spend anytime with her? Your situation could be because of so many different things.

angelashly · August 2014

The only time my kid "entertains" herself is when she is watching tv.

Libby1978 · August 2014

If you work from home she needs to be in mother's day out or preschool. I get the feeling there is more to this story since you seem to be her primary care taker. Perhaps her mother is not active in her life?? If that is the case it could explain some extra clingy behavior when it comes to the mother figure in her life. Anywho, she sounds like a normal 4 yo to me.

fitmama418 · August 2014

You kind of make her sound like an inconvenience...that said, I'm +1 for getting her in preschool or something. At least for a 1/2 day.

angelashly · August 2014

Do you think op will come back

kaylaalainee · August 2014

She's not in daycare because the amount of money we'd have to spend to put her in daycare is ridiculous considering I'm at home anyways. We just don't have the money to put her in the kind of daycare we'd want to put her in and still provide her with all the things she has. We're young and we're both still establishing our careers.

As far as her mother's involvement goes, on the days she is with her mother, her mother is at work and she's kept by her grandmother and mostly just put in front of a TV and ignored. That's why I don't understand her aversion to doing anything without me. I'll give her specific activities, such as play dough like somebody mentioned and she'll play with it just fine, until I stand up from the table to go do something. Then she loses interest. Her interest is in what I'm doing. If I try to get on the computer to work, she wants to sit in my lap and watch the screen even though she doesn't know how to read yet.

No, having a child is not an inconvenience, I wouldn't be with a man who has a child if that were the case. But yes it is frustrating when I attempt to work to provide for her, and things take much longer than they would if she were capable of entertaining herself. I completely understand the attention span of children is not that of adults. What I don't understand is that her need for attention seems to triple when she's in my care as opposed to the care of another.

On Sundays, when it's just her and her dad while I'm out of the house for work, he'll put a movie on for her while he checks his emails or does whatever he does, and she'll sit there and watch the entire movie. On Mondays, when it's just me and her, I'll put a movie on for her, and within three minutes of getting up off the couch to go check my own emails, she's followed me to my office space and is trying to crawl into my lap. There IS a difference in behavior.

In regards to my signature, it is obviously meant as a loving and playful jest, and nobody has ever said to me that they've seen it as anything else until this thread. I would appreciate it if I weren't picked apart like a poor care provider simply because I'm growing frustrated and looking for suggestions. I know plenty of mothers who take showers just to scream and get five minutes to themselves, parenting is a difficult job and I'm not the only person who really needed an hour to themselves. If you say you've never grown frustrated with your toddler or child and just needed time, you're lying.

I do appreciate the helpful suggestions that I've been given. I hadn't considered the possibility of her having too many toys to choose from. She's very smart for her age, and easily grasps concepts that I feel are beyond her age. I feel as if it's not actually a matter of her understanding playing alone, because she plays alone frequently, she just won't do it for me.

angelashly · August 2014

No one is picking you apart, but your expectations are unreasonable. I get needing a break trust me I do. While I'm not a single mother my so works a lot. My daughter likes to "work" with me. I'm on my computer while she colors. Try it.

Also preschool is usually not that expensive and you pay by month. Even if it's 2 days it gives you time. Or go on care.com and hire a mothers helper type. She or he can come over while you are home and work or you can take your laptop to Starbucks

Also you aren't home if you are working from home.

sleepy33 · August 2014

Daycare =/= preschool

fitmama418 · August 2014

angelashly said:

No one is picking you apart, but your expectations are unreasonable. I get needing a break trust me I do. While I'm not a single mother my so works a lot. My daughter likes to "work" with me. I'm on my computer while she colors. Try it. Also preschool is usually not that expensive and you pay by month. Even if it's 2 days it gives you time. Or go on care.com and hire a mothers helper type. She or he can come over while you are home and work or you can take your laptop to Starbucks Also you aren't home if you are working from home.

I can't imagine 3-4 hours a day and only 2-3 days a week would cost a terrible amount. And even if it's a bit pricey, it's worth it so you can actually do your work and use that time wisely and your BF's daughter can get quality time burning off some energy and not in front of a TV.

Littledeer84 · August 2014

I think it is a normal behavior. My daughter always wants me to play with her. Usually I say "ok, for 10 minutes, then I have to go do X for a little bit." Even so, she will still ask me the same question repeatedly while I am cleaning, or paying bills, etc. As PPs have said, and hour is a long time for a 4 year old to entertain themselves. Just try to stay patient. Dont get stuck recommending different activities - she will probably just shoot them down. I would just say "I have to do X for the next few minutes and then we can play." If you lower your expectations, I think you could slowly work your way up to 15 minute segments when she plays on her own. I definitely dont have a great solution, but it keeps me sane.

angelashly · August 2014

fitmama418 said:

angelashly said:

No one is picking you apart, but your expectations are unreasonable. I get needing a break trust me I do. While I'm not a single mother my so works a lot. My daughter likes to "work" with me. I'm on my computer while she colors. Try it.

Also preschool is usually not that expensive and you pay by month. Even if it's 2 days it gives you time. Or go on care.com and hire a mothers helper type. She or he can come over while you are home and work or you can take your laptop to Starbucks

Also you aren't home if you are working from home.

I can't imagine 3-4 hours a day and only 2-3 days a week would cost a terrible amount. And even if it's a bit pricey, it's worth it so you can actually do your work and use that time wisely and your BF's daughter can get quality time burning off some energy and not in front of a TV.

Don't know where she is located but one I'm looking at is 225 a month for 3 hours a morning 5 days a week.

Also check your school district both districts close to us have preschool programs. One is 4 days a week from 9-1230 and it's 500 for the whole school year, but you can submit paystubs and get assistance if you qualify for it.

Also I bet she would rather have time with friends than a bunch of toys. I know my dd would

SpaceGirlSpiff · August 2014

All the PPs have touched on the important points and I agree with them

Sounds like she is craving attention and love and possibly not getting much of it from the other figures in her life ... and looks up to you and wants that from you. That is a compliment. She is not unusual for her age at all, there's nothing wrong with her, and yes it is very common for a child to act differently with different people.

Working from home whilst also in charge of full time childcare is not a solution. Take it from me, I did it for 18 months with my DS and it was way too long and we both suffered for it. Once they enter mobile/toddler then preschool territory, I would call it downright impossible (aside from a sick day or two, because I do still need to do that sometimes)...newborns and immobile infants - it's doable as long as you have an understanding boss and flexibility in your hours but still very hard and not ideal. I am curious what your plans are for the new baby? Let me know if you have any questions, I've been there with the work-at-home Mom thing. But if you're thinking you're going to be watching an infant and a preschooler at home while also working eventually....NO. Don't do it.

This child would benefit greatly from at least some sort of part time preschool program... the interaction with peers, getting out and being social, the activities... they're all so great. My son (he's almost 3) absolutely flourishes in that environment, especially since he's such a social butterfly. She also needs understanding from you -- not critique like there's something wrong with her. Try to imagine the situation she's in now... divorced parents, a new sibling on the way, a new woman in Dad's life, Grandmother ignores her... it's a lot for a 4 year old.

I know what it feels like to be that young and coming from a divorced home, going back and forth, not really sure where exactly you fully "belong", and trust me... she's feeling much more overwhelmed inside than you might think. Be there for her.

Meeshe · August 2014

At around 4 (and when my second was here) I realized my daughter would never play by herself. We had sort of created that. So we made it something to work one. Literally, mommy needs to do x, play here for 2 min. and then I will be back. And stick to it. Work your way up. She still always prefers to be with me, on me, etc., but has gotten a lot better. The other thing we did was start transitioning from naps to quiet time in her room for at least an hour. That was a huge help. Sometimes she comes down early, but she goes back up. it's either a nap, or you can have books, or you can take art stuff up (she's 6 now) but an hour of quiet time doesn't hurt her and is good for me. It's ok to make it something to work on, it's good for them to learn to entertain themselves. But don't expect it to just happen if you haven't really worked on it. Good luck!

Meeshe · August 2014

PS. Oh and, she has come up with some really amazing, creative things in her hour of quiet time. I love to see where her creativity takes her. She wouldn't have done it if I was there because she'd want me to "help" and I'm not very creative.

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