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April 2014 Moms
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WWA14D?

PoppySeedWindsorPoppySeedWindsor member
in April 2014 Moms
Hey Ladies,

I know there are a lot of these but I'm a bit stumped and could use some girl advice since hubster doesn't know what to do because he has a penis and lacks a smart woman brain. 

I just got back from having coffee with this girl. She's the girlfriend of hubster's coworker. Coworker is AWESOME. Like, one of the coolest dudes we know, which means we hang out with him a lot. Girlfriend is...troubled (and is obviously present during aforementioned hang outs). As an experienced person with eating disorders, it's easy for me to tell when someone is struggling with eating or has disorder eating. IDK, it's like a sixth sense that, if you ask most people who have had EDs, they'll agree, comes with the disease. You understand and know and can recognize the signs and symptoms because you've practiced them for suuuuuch a long time. It's hard to ignore them.

Anyway, this girl is definitely showing ED signs and symptoms. And it makes it a freaking bummer and a half to hang out with her because of it. There's the first issue of me needing to not be around such negativity, especially when I'm battling PPD and PPA. Then there's the equally important issue of her mental health. She and her boyfriend also moved from Portland to Cinci to work at the same place hubster does, so we're in the same boat in terms of not having a lot of friends, knowing the area, etc. I, luckily, have Miss Merri and easily fit in with the work culture of moms with babies (Seriously, it's only August and 14 babies have already been born in this company). I've also worked hard to network, get a part time job and have "getting out for social engagements" as a prescribed 'medicine' from my doc. She...not so much. I'm not sure if she's struggling with not having anything to do (no job), feeling inadequate because she's not married/doesn't have a kid (she's expressed this on multiple occasions), but she's outright with her depression via complaining. comparing ("Oh my gosh you guys do sooooo much AND you have a baby. You're perfect. You're the best. We NEVER do ANYTHING. I can't do ANYTHING without him...etc.") and restricting food/obsessing about food ("Oh I can't eat ANYMORE, I'm stuffed!" "I can't eat in the heat." "Oh my gosh I can't believe I ate so much." "I'll never be able to fit into my old clothes." "Oh I shouldn't have eaten soooo much." "Oh just one more bite." "I can't believe I ate that bite.")

So my WWA14D is this:

Should I reach out to her? Whenever we hang out I usually get to the point where I want to punch her in the face because her negativity and obvious ED stuff is sooooooooooo much to take in. But that doesn't stop me from having compassion for her and seeing she's in need for help. Should I have hubster talk to his coworker to see if the girl is okay? Should I just not deal with this altogether? I'm just really torn here. I don't want to meddle in other people's business, but I just KNOW I'm not wrong here in what she's dealing with (not to say I'm a know-it-all, but I know EDs and I know what I'm seeing). 

GAAAAAH. What to do?!
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Re: WWA14D?

  • ambarnett1ambarnett1 member
    An ex of mine had a sister with severe anorexia and I have become very familiar with the symptoms, actions, obsessions, etc. Personally, I may subtly bring it up in a casual conversation and if she opens up then great, but if she freaks out or shuts down then I would avoid the topic for a while and if it continues talk to hubster and/or the coworker.

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  • moonsparklesmoonsparkles member
    I would say throw the rope, but she's the one who has to grab it. If she doesn't, she's not ready to be hauled aship just yet. At least you'll know you tried, and she'll know you're there when she's ready.
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  • PoppySeedWindsorPoppySeedWindsor member
    poru said:
    ALSO, do you think its just a case of disordered eating -- aka hyper focused on food, weight, guilt, highs, etc.  Or do you actually think there is starvation and/or binging/purging?  If the latter, I would be more likely to help for health reasons.  If it's the former, then I would be less likely to help since disordered eating is usually the byproduct of depression, anxiety etc and not the real problem unlike an eating disorder (which is associated with depression and anxiety but is usually considered its own real affliction).
    Well...I noticed the disordered eating when we were hanging out in February and March but it's gotten progressively worse as we've continued to hang out. Over the fourth, the five of us (Merriwether included!) had a bbq over at their place. Over the course of 3 hours she went to the bathroom...10+ times. I know that move...

    She never did that before. 

    Her depression is a lot more prevalent too. I think you're right...you're all right, that she won't bite if she doesn't want to. But maybe she just needs someone to throw out the bait? Plus if she gets pissy and offended, it won't bother me that much. I just want to make sure to not make the work relationship between hubster and her bf awkward
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  • PoppySeedWindsorPoppySeedWindsor member
    Thanks @Ashleypixie‌. I was hoping you'd chime in. I think I might message her and ask if everything is okay because I noticed x, y and z. Then say I noticed these because I've gone through said x, y and z and know it's been hard to move here and not know anyone. I don't expect anything. It resistance but I'd like to offer an ear, if she's willing.
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  • *sparky**sparky* member
    I went to great lengths to hide my ED, but the fact that she is making all of those comments makes it a lot easier for you to open the dialogue about it with her. As others wrote, open up about what you went through and see if she bites. I would not push too hard though.

    My ED definitely got worse when other things in my life went out of control so it is possible that this move has her feeling particularly vulnerable right now. She has moved for a BF (not DH), has no job, etc. While I would find all of that negativity annoying, you seem to really value the BF's friendship so I would try to empathize and help her if you can. But definitely tread lightly at first to see if she is open.

    If she is not open to talking or trying to get help and it is getting worse, then I would have a heart to heart with the BF

     

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