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Parenting
SomersIsles
member
How to tell a parent she needs to discipline her kids....
SomersIsles
member
in Parenting
(Sorry kinda long) Normally I'd post this on my BMB but I figured I'd get more discussion here and a little variety.
So background info... My very close friend has 4 kids (daughter 13, son 8, son 5, daughter 3). She lives across the street from me. She's SAHM and her husband is a 9-5er... but because of his commute he's really 7am-7pm.
Their house is pandemonium. She's very very very laid back. Ya know the way people joke how they get laid back after their first kid? She's like that all the time but not joking. Her kids play outside in the yard unsupervised for a while (often over an hour) which is great to see then outside and I don't think they need to be watched like hawks.... if they weren't hitting and biting each other and doing other sneaky things.
She also struggles with saying no or following up with consequences. She hates how they won't stay in their seat for dinner... but when they get up and wander and fight all she does is yell and they don't listen. And there's no time out, no conversation about what they're doing wrong, nothing. They kick/bite/punch when they get angry and there's never a consequence. When one tells her another punched them she resolves it by distracting the child.... "Ignore him... Want to sit with me and watch this movie?"
The older boy (8) is starting to get worse. He bosses the little ones around and manipulates them for his entertainment or just to get what he wants. He's not kind and when something bothers him he has recently developed a temper of insane proportions. He clenches his fist and yells like the hulk and usually charges/pushes whoever is bothering him. We're talking near hyperventilation behavior. Often very little consequence comes from any of this.
Oh and when the older girl was 12 she came home with a hickey that she tried to hide (boy was 16) and nothing happened. The mom was furious but she didn't even talk to her daughter, she just vented to me about it.
My friend's brothers have been in and out of jail for being punks and I'm worried that these kids are heading down the same path.
The mom has alluded to the belief that kids behaviors are genetic and thus cannot be changed.
I really love these kids and I want to tell her she needs to instill some discipline but I don't know how to go about it or if I even should.
Thoughts?
So background info... My very close friend has 4 kids (daughter 13, son 8, son 5, daughter 3). She lives across the street from me. She's SAHM and her husband is a 9-5er... but because of his commute he's really 7am-7pm.
Their house is pandemonium. She's very very very laid back. Ya know the way people joke how they get laid back after their first kid? She's like that all the time but not joking. Her kids play outside in the yard unsupervised for a while (often over an hour) which is great to see then outside and I don't think they need to be watched like hawks.... if they weren't hitting and biting each other and doing other sneaky things.
She also struggles with saying no or following up with consequences. She hates how they won't stay in their seat for dinner... but when they get up and wander and fight all she does is yell and they don't listen. And there's no time out, no conversation about what they're doing wrong, nothing. They kick/bite/punch when they get angry and there's never a consequence. When one tells her another punched them she resolves it by distracting the child.... "Ignore him... Want to sit with me and watch this movie?"
The older boy (8) is starting to get worse. He bosses the little ones around and manipulates them for his entertainment or just to get what he wants. He's not kind and when something bothers him he has recently developed a temper of insane proportions. He clenches his fist and yells like the hulk and usually charges/pushes whoever is bothering him. We're talking near hyperventilation behavior. Often very little consequence comes from any of this.
Oh and when the older girl was 12 she came home with a hickey that she tried to hide (boy was 16) and nothing happened. The mom was furious but she didn't even talk to her daughter, she just vented to me about it.
My friend's brothers have been in and out of jail for being punks and I'm worried that these kids are heading down the same path.
The mom has alluded to the belief that kids behaviors are genetic and thus cannot be changed.
I really love these kids and I want to tell her she needs to instill some discipline but I don't know how to go about it or if I even should.
Thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to tell a parent she needs to discipline her kids....
I can't get the ticker to work, but I have two sons:
Baby RJ, born 1/25/2014
Formerly Twilightmv
Honestly, keep your mouth shut. Unless her children's behavior is impacting your family in some way, it is not really your business.
If she asks your advice, then give it. But, if she is just venting, let it be.
I have a cousin with three children. The oldest is 14 and well behaved, though not because my cousin did anything, it is just her nature. Her other two are 4 and 5. They are hellions. Nobody likes being around them. She and her husband do nothing in the way of discipline. Nothing. Family and friends have said things to her and my cousin thinks that people are just picking on them. Over the last year, she has stopped getting invited to things and still refuses to see why. Parents that want no part in discipling generally are not going to change their mind because someone spoke to them about it.
I can't get the ticker to work, but I have two sons:
Baby RJ, born 1/25/2014
Formerly Twilightmv
We eat dinner with this family every Sunday. They call us auntie and uncle. During the school year DH picks the kids up from school 2x a week and I do 3 drop offs a week.
These kids are definitely family regardless of the fact that we're not blood related.
I just see what is happening and I see the moms frustration and she seems to think that nothing can be done, like she's been dealt a bad hand. I feel like the oldest boy is heading for serious trouble and I feel like there is still time to get him back on track. It would break my heart to see him as serious trouble when he's a teen.
I know the answer is usually you just don't... But I kind of equate it to, if your close friend was an alcoholic there might come a point where you intervene because you love them and don't want to see them hurt themselves.
Eta... Added "we're NOT blood related"
I think I'm going through a moment of sadness about it because the moms brother JUST went to jail for getting in a fight with his boss (he had a crazy temper too) and all I could picture was the little 8 year old growing up and doing that too.
Thanks!
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
Are the kids beating each other to a pulp? Or are they settling their stuff themselves? OMG, problem solving and people skills. What a concept.
---------------
@GhostMonkey Refer to bold. I said being outside is great and I don't think they need to be watched by hawks.
The "sneaky" things was to abridge an already long post. The other day they were outside playing with the sprinkler... And by that I mean the older brother was talking it and spraying his little sister (3) in the face really harshly then took the sprinkler and smacked his younger brother on the top of the head with it with the metal part. A little while later he kept pushing his little brother's head under water in the kiddie pool. At that point I walked over there because it was ridiculous at that point. Later I saw the little brother trip and somehow his swim shorts fell down ... Before I knew it the big brother came up behind him and pretended to hump him and then shoved his face into the grass. I went back over because I couldn't let that continue. And the little one went inside to find his mom who then suggested he play with his Legos as a way to solve the problem.
What would YOU do?
And when I say I don't think they need to be watched like hawks ... I really mean I don't think children in general do, but I think these children kinda do...
ETA sent too soon x2
So it wasn't necessarily sexual in nature. He didn't really know why it was so inappropriate. Not really CPS warranted since I knew where he got the idea.
Honestly I am kind of surprised that no one got more upset about a 12 YO getting a hickey from a 16 YO. That is 7th grade and possibly a junior in HS and totally inappropriate. Granted, 12 YO can get up into all kinds of stuff, I know I did, but not with people that were 4 years older than me. That is a huge issue to me. The other stuff mentioned makes it even worse. Personally, I would attempt to start some sort of dialogue. If you lose a friendship fine. I have seen too many kids become adult druggies, pregnant and homeless and facing prison for residential burglary because no one wanted to step in.
Taking the metal part of the sprinkler and smacking his sibling is more of an accurate description of the type of behavior that occurs (followed by hulk rage, kicking, and biting).
All in all I've just decided to not say anything. If she asks for help (sometimes I think she's on the brink of asking) I'll chime in but I don't want to ruin a friendship and possibly ruin my relationship with the kids. I think what I can do is just increase the amount of times I take the kids and continue to model positive behaviors. I used to bring them to parks, restaurants, general outings but now that LO is in the picture things have just been hectic.
Thanks for letting me vent tho