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Working Moms
potbellypig
member
"single" mom, DD acting out
potbellypig
member
in Working Moms
DH is an engineer/project manager who is currently working on a huge road project 45 minutes away. He leaves at 6:00 before DD wakes up and gets home at 9:00 after she's gone to bed. He has been doing these hours 6 days a week since June and will be doing 7 days a week starting in September until October 31.
DD is 2.5 y/o, DS is 6 months old. I am back at work full time (8-4 M-F). DS goes to one daycare full time and DD alternates between her regular daycare and DS's daycare until the end of this week and then they will both go to DD's regular daycare full time (due to daycare space issue). Lots of change for DD.
DD has been acting out. She seems to have trouble with transitioning from one place to another. She doesn't want to leave me in the morning, she doesn't want to leave daycare in the evening. Yesterday she had a huge meltdown at daycare pickup; I couldn't even reason with her. In the end I had to throw a bit of water on her to get her to snap out of it. Last night for the first time she climbed into our bed in the middle of the night.
Is this an age thing? Is it because of the daycare alternating? Because of her not seeing daddy for days on end? I feel for her because it must be hard, but this is just our life in the summer and I can't let her get away with tantrums like yesterday's just because daddy is gone because this won't change for years. I'm very careful to not complain about DH being gone and am definitely solid as a "single" parent, so I don't think it's me rubbing off on her.
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Re: "single" mom, DD acting out
When I had just DS, I would have answered differently. He was so easy going and I would have viewed your situation through that lens and assumed it was the situation.
But now, having experienced my DD, who gets pissed if I look at her sideways, I wouldn't assume she is reacting to the change.
I don't have any great advice but hang in there, you are not alone.
Sometimes when DD is throwing a tantrum and I am not able to calm her down, I back off and let her go at it for a few minutes. Usually if she is at this point, she doesnt remember why she is upset and i cant reason with her. I then get on her level and ask her quietly if she needs a hug. Seems to work at those desperate times and she nods, walks over, and settles down.
I just asked DH if he could try to either leave later or come home earlier so that she can see him once a day. He said he would try. Hopefully he can/does and it helps out. I will also try to spend more 1 on1 time with her by putting DS down earlier.
This whole experience makes me VERY sympathetic to single and divorced parents and their kids.
Trust me I understand. My DH is deployed and I have a 3.5 and a 2 year old. It is tough, and toddlers are jerks. That being said, I think you really need to change your approach. I know that tantrums are frustrating and embarrassing, but they are a tiny child's way of dealing with big emotions that they don't know how else to deal with. Of course if your kid is having a tantrum about not getting a cookie you shouldn't give them a cookie, but if your kid is melting down because she has a lot of turmoil in her life you shouldn't throw water on her. I think a hug and some empathy in the situation you described would have gone a long way.
I thought I was going to be the tough parent that didn't let my kids get away with stuff. I quickly realized that the hard-ass approach was causing way more problems then it was solving. If my kids are throwing a tantrum for attention I will ignore it, but if they are having a tantrum because of a meltdown I will scoop them up and hold them without saying anything for a few minutes. And then we talk about it - I understand that you were angry when x but we can't do y. This approach has made a huge difference. I can't actually remember the last time that either of my kids had an actual tantrum. I would check out this site - https://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/toddler-tantrums
Realistically whether your DH was around or not you would be dealing with some level of this, all 2 year olds go through it at some point. I know how hard it is to keep your cool though when you don't get a break. GL, hopefully you can see some improvement soon.
Didn't read all the way through.... Have you never lost control? She is 2.5, I promise she won't be doomed to be a brat because you didn't yell at her when she was upset. I think your expectations are way too high. You aren't going to reason with her nor is she going to learn some great lesson right there in her losing her mind moment.
I would've physically taken her out and sat down with her somewhere until she calmed down. And yes, I do know that it is easier said then done when you have a baby and you have to be places. But I truly think that when you start addressing these in a bit more empathetic way they will happen much less frequently.
Thanks everyone for the support/suggestions.
The throwing water on her thing was actually her "temporary" daycare worker's idea. It was definitely something I should have said no to, but I was out of ideas myself. After reflecting on this some more, I wonder if maybe the temp daycare handles disciplinary issues in a non-sympathetic way given what DD is going through at home. I am certainly not a "hard-ass" with her by any means and would have gone to hug her throughout the tantrum, but the daycare lady said maybe she's behaving like this when you're here because she thinks she can get away with it.
I have made arrangements to get both her and my son at DD's original daycare starting tomorrow afternoon, and I'll be taking tomorrow morning off to be with the kids and to hang out with DD.
**for the record, "temp daycare" lady friend watching the kids as a favour. She has two kids the same age as mine.
I think @MarlaSinger& is right on with this. Unfortunately, I don't know that there's much that you can *do* for tantrums. When we are at home, I make sure he's safe and ignore him until he's done. It's hilarious, he will go for 15-20 minutes straight, and then he will stop, just like that, and start playing with his toys. I'm like, how do you go from 60-0 like that?!?! My whole day would be ruined if I was hysterical like that for 20 minutes. When we are in public, we are still trying to figure these out.
As the parent who does DC pick ups with a 2 year old and a 3 month old, I totally understand your frustration. Your hands are completely full with baby, carrier, bottles, 2 year old, art projects, jackets, etc. and your patience probably is not what it might otherwise be. We have not yet had a tantrum at DC pick up, but I imagine I would scoop DS up on one shoulder and carry him kicking and screaming to the car.
I may be in the minority, but I'm not big on trying to "talk through" a tantrum or hug it out or anything like that. It might just be my kid, but the more we have coddled him during tantrums, the angrier he gets. And I also personally think it's a bit silly to try to reason with a 2 year old and talk about the tantrum. 2 year olds have tantrums because they can't express themselves, don't know how to rationally deal with things, etc. It's a fight DH and I have a lot. DH wants to talk to him about his behavior and tell him why he can't do this or that and I just don't think he gets it. I think if they can't express themselves logically, deal rationally with things it's silly to think you could have a logical conversation about the behavior that spurred the tantrum. Once DS calms down I will usually try to be simple, "I know you want to play with your toy, but you threw it. No throw toys. No throw." That's about as reasoned as I get with him.
Hang in there and don't be hard on yourself, mama. Toddlers are nuts and you're basically doing this alone. You are doing GREAT.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
I do drop offs and pick ups, and it can get very stressful. I had to use transition toys/snacks to get through that phase (still do, to a degree). For example, I make a big deal out of picking out a toy to play in the car in the morning. And I have a special snack for the car ride home. This worked for us. I don't know, worth a try?
Re. Climbing in tour bed - I have no advice other than to make it less desirable for her? Like pitch dark, no noise allowed etc? My son told me he was going back to his bed because it was too dark (he has a night light).
Good luck!
I am LOLing at communicating to a 2.5 year old what "reasonable behavior" is.
BTW, I also have a 2.5 YO. And I am an actual single mom. You know, the kind without quote marks.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Bless you...I'm grateful for those quotation marks!
And about someone's post above saying they picture daycare worker with a spray bottle - she actually did mention that was something I should try as I was leaving. She's well intentioned, but that's not really my style...