Do you get pressure to schedule time with others?

MickeyM04 · July 2014

So now that I am back at work I realize how little time we have as a family...we are out the door at 6:45 a.m., home at 6:30 p.m., and both kids are in bed (of their own need/desire to sleep when they want to sleep) by 7:30 p.m. In the morning, we wake them at 6:00 a.m. Due to our schedule during the week, and our commute via train, we generally don't get errands or anything done during the week, or even chores really at this point. Saturday is basically chore/errand day (grocery shopping, dry cleaners, lawn mowing, etc.). So Sunday is basically our free day where we get to spend time as a family. That's it. My grandmother (who yes, is old, but in good health) is constantly giving me crap about how she never sees our kids. And by giving me crap I mean like nagging, complaining to my mom about it, etc. Even though I was just on ML, we actually still have relatives that have not met DD, and friends for that matter. Some weekends we have stuff scheduled and sometimes, like last weekend (last weekend before going back to work), I just want to have "us" time. I constantly am explaining to my grandma about our schedule, how I only see my own kids 1.5 hours a day during the week (and it's all getting ready to leave, getting ready for bed rather than quality time), but she just either doesn't get it or doesn't care. I'm wondering if other working moms deal with this, and how you handle it? I mean my grandma basically sees our kids every 6 weeks, and then on holidays and stuff as well. Am I being the dick here? It's OK if I am, but then I guess I just want to know that.

MickeyM04 · July 2014

OK phew, that's good to know. Yeah we get pressure from LOTS of different family members but my grandma is the worst offender. I don't think she gets it because she and her husband have obviously been retired for years. Also it's hard because I have zero problem inviting people to tag along to stuff (okay well not zero problem but it's always better to not have to alter plans to hang out with people--like hey join us at the zoo on Sunday), but her husband is basically immobile so it has to be us going to their house (45 minutes away) or them coming to ours. And if they come to ours it's the added issue of hosting people which is a pain in the ass. And also then you can't exactly kick them out either, you know? But yeah I also get super pissed because they go to Florida from right after Thanksgiving until the last week of April and then they come back into town and they basically want to see the kids every other weekend. And they say, "We aren't here for six months, you should accommodate us while we are here." I'm sorry, but whose choice is it to live in Florida half the year??? Sounds like your mom sort of.

sweetsunnyc · July 2014

There has been points, especially in the summer, that we have been spending WAY too much time with family- specifically mine. My mom is a teacher, so she has summers off, and my sister is a nurse (only works 2 days a week) so they want to do something all of the time. I know that they have good intentions and just want to see the girls, but I think they lose perspective that I have been working all week and only have a few hours during the day with the kids. Not to mention that I try to get all of my running around/cleaning/shopping done on the weekends plus spending time with the family. I have a hard time saying no, so I've just really had to learn to put my foot down and say "I can't make it" It's a balance for sure, so don't feel bad about needing the time to just be with your family.

2-Step · July 2014

I get more time than that with my kids and I'm the same way. I also get upset when they act like it's my responsibility to accommodate their schedule so they can see my kids. This is one of my toughest things that I've had to really push back on with my in-laws since we had kids. They are divorced and each wants their own separate vacation where we come with them and each wants us to be with them for at least part of every holiday plus they want to come visit and do barbecues, dinners and events. I found it's one of the toughest things about managing a family when you have a lot of interested people involved. It's great to have a loving family but you definitely have to set boundaries and stick to them as much as possible if you want to be happy.

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns · July 2014

My mom gets her fix by visiting every couple of weeks and watching my DS instead of taking him to daycare. Any chance your mom could help with visits to your grandma while you are working?

rodiesmum · July 2014

I dnt think there's anythng wrong w your reaction. Now that im PG all i want is to just take it easy at home on weekends. I try to swing our visits to my dad every other weekend instead of every week because frankly, apart from spending time w DD, all i want to do is relax at home because i am so damn tired the whole work week

djm31012 · July 2014

I struggle with this as well because our schedules are just as bad and my inlaws live 2 hours away...so when we see them its an all day commitment...we cant just meet for breakfast for an hour or 2. Is there anyway your grandma can spend time with your LO during the day? Im not sure if she drives or how active she is, but maybe get her from daycare or wherever at like 4pm and spend 2 hours babysitting before you get home? Maybe your parents can help there? AGain, not sure how close in distance you guys all are if this is even feasible but it might help., Or maybe on a friday night after work have her over for dinner, make it like a monthly thing. that way sundays can stay family time.

VOR · July 2014

Stop "explaining" this to your grandmother. She doesn't want to hear it. She only wants to hear "yes, we'll drop everything for you". When she wants to see you and you cna't, just say "Sorry, that doesn't work for us".

That being said... take heart - your kids WILL "grow" out of this, so to speak. I'm a stickler about sleep. WHen DS was a baby, he was going to bed at like 6 or 6:30! It was hell. I had SO little time with him. And our weekends were ruled by his nap and bedtime schedule. But with every passing year, his bedtime has gotten later and now at 5- he goes to bed at 8 AND I'm not as worried about a late night thrown in here and there.

You're in the thick of it right now. Two YOUNG kids. It's hard. But you will get through this and your lives will loosen up a bit and you probably will start to have more time to see people, etc.

MickeyM04 · July 2014

Thanks everyone. I love all the ideas about my grandma maybe babysitting or something while we're at work so she gets time with them and it doesn't infringe on our family time, but unfortunately, she is just not in good enough shape to handle a 2 year old and a 3 month old. She actually has conceded this to me and offered to come over and watch them while I'm home, because she would not feel comfortable being alone with one or both of them by herself. I appreciate the offer but when I'm home (now that leave is over), DH is home, and I really have all the help I need. And personally, this may just be me, but I don't see the purpose in someone coming to watch the kids while I'm at home. I mean I've just never understood that whole concept, except for when you have a newborn and you need someone to come help you so that you can shower, cook dinner, whatever. But that could be because I see them so little...maybe if I were a stay at home mom or worked part time or had better hours and got to see them more, I would want a break to have someone come over and be with them so I could clean/cook/grocery shop/whatever. So no judgment to anyone who has someone come be with their kids while they are at home.

But to be honest, even if I was open to the idea of someone coming over to pseudo-babysit or whatever even though I am home, when my grandma flat out tells me that she wouldn't feel comfortable being alone with them, then I'm not going to leave her alone with them, even if it means I'm just upstairs or in the other room. And again, I want to be with them when I'm home, because I really don't get any time with them during the week, so even if it were someone capable, I wouldn't want someone to come over and spend time with my kids so I could go clean the rest of the house or run errands or whatever. Even if it's not quality time and it's just a trip to the grocery store, I want to be with them, you know? And my parents both work right now so I can't even get my mom and my grandma together so that they could maybe both do daycare pick up and watch the kids until we get home (my grandma doesn't drive). Plus as PP mentioned, with two super young kids, I'm really not even super comfortable with my own mom watching them by herself, so even if that were theoretically an option, I would not feel comfortable with it.

I think what it comes down to, is you all are right. I have to say no and just not feel bad about it, while also being fair and letting her see them sometimes, which I do. I mean I think once every 6 weeks is plenty, and I can keep that up, and I'm just not going to feel bad or guilty when she wants more than that.

Mustardseed2007 · July 2014

I totally get the point about your grandmother's health. My mom is in poor health now, which is something that has been hard for me to come to grips with.

She used to watch DS everyday, which was awesome b/c I knew he was taken care of and she got tons of time with him. But then she had heart issues and she's no longer reliable alone. For a while, she and my older sister watched him while I looked for a permanent daycare solution. I think my mom is missing that experience with DD that she had with DS.

If there was a way for someone (other than my dad who isn't reliable for personality reasons) who was reliable to hang out with my mom, then I would gladly send one of my kids to her house rather than taking them to DC. But really my mom would need to figure out who that was going to be, b/c that request would be better coming from her.

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns · July 2014

Babysitter plus grandma or mom for date nights or errands? Mother's helper at your mom's or grandma's house while you are at work? Seems like there should be a creative solution...

Tink112011 · July 2014

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns said:

My mom gets her fix by visiting every couple of weeks and watching my DS instead of taking him to daycare. Any chance your mom could help with visits to your grandma while you are working?

This is our solution too, at least for one grandma. My mom works part-time, but lives 2.5 hours away. Every few weeks she will drive to our house and keep DS out of daycare for the day. Everybody wins. She gets to spend quality time with DS, DS loves the special grandma days, and the burden of figuring out how to find time to spend with her is lifted off my back (because quite frankly, she doesn't care so much about hanging with me and DH!)

The others though, it's a battle. My grandma, so DS's great-grandma nags constantly. It's a good thing that IDGAF. My MIL gets whiney but isn't willing to make any special accommodations, even though she doesn't work. My MIL isn't willing to do my mom's arrangement because she's too lazy to be a caregiver for a day. So whatever. I really don't let it get to me because I know that I'm doing the best I can and putting my immediate family unit first.

kikimeemee · August 2014

@MickeyM04‌ - did grandma ever work full time while raising kids? If not, I think she just has no frame of reference and cannot understand your precious few hrs of family time are for you.

Maybe in her day, mom stayed home all week and took kids to grandma's on weekends. It's not like that for many families anymore and I've personally noticed this understanding gap.

I'm sorry for the stress of it. You can probably say it until you're blue in the face but grandma may not ever get it.

ss265 · August 2014

I am in the minority here. DH and I have similar schedules to what you mentioned - we leave for work at 7am, don't get home until 6pm and DS is in bed by 7:30pm. On the weekends, we run errands like grocery shopping, laundry and lawn mowing as well. The big difference between us is that my ILs see DS at least once a week. They live only 20 minutes away and DH and I frequently drop DS off on Friday nights so that we can have dinner alone. DH and I also take turns to sleep in on the weekends (DS gets up at 7am) and sometimes DH will bring him over to his parent's house while I am sleeping in. This past weekend, we went over to the ILs house to go swimming and had dinner with them at their house.

I have to admit that DH and I are homebodies though and rarely have plans with friends on the weekends. It also helps that my family lives across the world so we only have to prioritize time with my ILs. And a lot of times, DH goes over with DS by himself so that I can have a couple of hours to clean up around the house, uninterrupted on the weekends. And my ILs are almost always available when we want to come over - their schedules are fairly predictable and they hardly go out as well.

Not saying that what you are doing is wrong because everyone has different schedules/priorities. Just pointing out ways that we make it work for us. My ILs have 8 grandchildren and they are probably closest to DS because they see him so often - even though my husband's siblings all live locally, none of them see their parents as much as we do.

ss265 · August 2014

The Bump won't let my edit my original post for some reason. I just wanted to add that we never got pressure from my ILs to see them that often, it was just a habit that we fell into once we had DS. And both DH and I get along really well with them, which obviously is why we see them so often.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

@amy052006, I do keep my kids connected to their grandparents and great grandparents. Like I said in my OP, they see their great grandparents every 6 weeks-ish and on holidays (Thanksgiving, Chanukah, etc.) so probably a total of 10-12 times per year. The grandparents that are in state they see every 1-2 weeks. The out of state grandparents they see every other month. My "issue" if you can even call it that is that my grandmother wants to see them every other weekend, and when DH and I are gone 60 hours a week, and there are lots of people who want to see, and do see our kids, I don't think you get to claim every fourth weekend day as yours (i.e. one day every other weekend). My frustration isn't that she wants to see them, my frustration is that she doesn't care about anyone else's needs other than hers. I have two days a week with my family and then I am splitting those days with the great grandparents, grandparents on both sides, aunts, playdates with DS's friends, etc. It starts getting really sh!tty for us if I don't set limits, like in this case, every 6 weeks or so and holidays, because she isn't the only one I'm trying to accommodate. And she doesn't care about that.

Like DH's grandfather has not met DD yet because he hasn't been able to get out here (he travels a lot), and it's like we'll say we're not sure about that weekend, DH's grandfather wants to try to come in and she'll be like, "Well can't we just come in the morning for a little bit and then leave?" No, you can't. You just saw them two weeks ago and DH's grandfather is coming in from out of town to spend the weekend and meet DD. And after having a guest all weekend and then working all week, the following weekend, heaven forbid we want one day to recoup and just not entertain anybody and just enjoy each other, you know?

But agree with PP, great grandma worked part time, and I think took several years off when all four of her kids were young, so she definitely does not get the concept of a 60 hour work week with kids, that's for sure.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

@ss265 - I don't think you are in the minority at all. We see my parents (who live about 20 minutes away) every 1-2 weeks. Usually it's more like every week to 10 days because if DS or DD is sick, she is our back-up care, or if there is a train snafu and we can't get home on time, she will do pick-up for us. But it's obviously a little different because they're my parents rather than my grandparents so there's a little more flexibility due to the ages of the people involved...for example, my mom can help watch DS or DD if they are sick, pick them up, etc. My grandma can't drive and has personally told me she would not be comfortable being alone with them. Her husband can't do much so doing things like meeting up at a park or a mall or something are out of the question. So it's a little more difficult logistically, but we still see them 10-12 times a year regardless. But we do see my parents about as much as you see your IL's, so you're not in the minority, or we both are perhaps!!

Fallbaby11 · August 2014

My DH travels M-F and I work and take of DS all week. I stopped scheduling things on weekends about a year ago. There are obviously a few family commitments here and there, but that is it. I got tired of always driving around town with no down time to spend as a family. I know sometimes some of my friends and family don't get it. I used to care, but now I really don't. My family is a priority and that is that. Don't feel bad about making your family a priority.

I should add that we do see our parents weekly or bi-weekly, it is usually last minute dinner plans when we are available. We also see friends via last minute plans as well. This has worked so much better for us.

jenn43 · August 2014

It is really frustrating when family doesn't understand. My in-laws are always complaining that they want to see LO more, but apparently they only want to see him if I bring him to their house, or if they can stop by in the evenings after work. I don't mind bringing him over every couple weeks, but that's not enough for them. And LO goes to bed at 6 or 6:30 so evenings don't work for us. Despite me explaining this numerous times, they never offer to drop by on a weekend, or on a day I'm off work. They just complain until I bring him over again.

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