To tell or not to tell....

j&gmiller2015 · August 2014

Hello Ladies,

I have a situation on my hands, maybe some of you have been through this and can help me out. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost a year now. I am an only child and my husband has 2 sisters and a brother. We are the first to get married. We have been planning to start trying to have a baby next year in January. We are pretty private people and haven't announced to everyone our plans. His MIL is going to start working from home next year and has agreed to watch our child. So everyone knows a baby is in our future soon.

Well last week my SIL got engaged. Good news right? Well she has been engaged for about 5 days now and is already telling me I should wait to get pregnant until after her wedding (which will be between May-June next year) Of course this is ridiculous and my husband and I will not be going along with this. But I always had this elaborate plan for how we would tell our families (being this is the first child in our family). Now I'm scared that my SIL and other family members might think I am trying to steal her 'thunder' by annocuing my pregnancy in a elaborate fashion during her wedding planning. But it's how I've always dreamed of telling everyone. I know my side of the family will be ecstatic, but now I'm scared his side might think i did this on purpose (due to the fact we don't tell people our personal business about TTC). Please if you or someone you know has gone through something like this let me know. Calm my nerves please!

Helenahhandbasket · August 2014

As long as you don't announce your pregnancy during her vows, you're fine.

ashiscute · August 2014

I'm confused. Aren't you not even trying till January? That's ages away. And the wedding is in May? I'm not sure what you're concerned about. You could very easily not even be pregnant at that time. Or not even far enough long that you'd need to share.

I'm not sure how elaborate your plan of how to tell your family about the baby is but I can't imagine it being offensive to other family members. (I went with "hey, I'm pregnant" and "hey, I'm pregnant again" so I have no comparisons for this.) But she can't expect nothing to happen in other people's lives during her wedding planning. That's crazy.

Also, off topic but your MIL is going to be working from home full time and taking care of a baby full time? That sounds very difficult. I would put some thought into that arrangement.

j&gmiller2015 · August 2014

Lol no, there will be no confetti or paint! My 'elaborate' announcenment is really just a plan to get all of our family together and tell everyone at the same time. My family is HUGE Dallas Cowboys fans (no comment) so I had a plan to invite everyone over for a party and give them a picture (kinda like the one attached, but Cowboys) as a gift. My SIL is a drama queen and I would hope she could be happy for us and let us have our 'day' of excitement. Then the attention can go back to her for all I care, we are pretty private anyways. I just wanted to make a big deal out of it because this will be the only baby on my side of the family. But she tends to hold grudges and I would hate for her to be upset with us possibly before her wedding and try to pull some dramatic scene on us.

j&gmiller2015 · August 2014

Right, we are not TTC until January. I'm not expecting to get pregnant right away...but I just want to be prepared for IF it does happen. If I do get pregnant around that time, I will still be relatively small at the wedding. I thought about trying to hide it until after her wedding, but depending on how far along I am, I will have to attend dress shop (and alterations) events. Also I would have to come up with a reason for not drinking at bachelorette/rehearsal dinner parties.

MrsRustyGriswold · August 2014

ashiscute said:

I'm confused. Aren't you not even trying till January? That's ages away. And the wedding is in May? I'm not sure what you're concerned about. You could very easily not even be pregnant at that time. Or not even far enough long that you'd need to share.

I'm not sure how elaborate your plan of how to tell your family about the baby is but I can't imagine it being offensive to other family members. (I went with "hey, I'm pregnant" and "hey, I'm pregnant again" so I have no comparisons for this.) But she can't expect nothing to happen in other people's lives during her wedding planning. That's crazy.

Also, off topic but your MIL is going to be working from home full time and taking care of a baby full time? That sounds very difficult. I would put some thought into that arrangement.

Plan your own TTC, announce your own way, don't worry about SIL. I do agree with the bolded here, though.

j&gmiller2015 · August 2014

Oh yes my MIL is retiring in a year, so her job is letting her work from home part time before she fully retires in a year. We were going to wait until she fully retires, but she told us as long as she is working from home it's ok. She raised 4 kids so if shes ok with it, we're ok with it.

rockinmathchic · August 2014

I agree with all the posts here. You're SIL is ridiculous and tacky for asking you to wait until after her wedding. Don't worry about her, do what you originally planned and if you do happen to become pregnant, she should be happy for you, if she cares about you.

ashiscute · August 2014

jnicole124 said:

Right, we are not TTC until January. I'm not expecting to get pregnant right away...but I just want to be prepared for IF it does happen. If I do get pregnant around that time, I will still be relatively small at the wedding. I thought about trying to hide it until after her wedding, but depending on how far along I am, I will have to attend dress shop (and alterations) events. Also I would have to come up with a reason for not drinking at bachelorette/rehearsal dinner parties.

I was in a wedding at 20 weeks and most people could not tell I was pregnant. I could have easily hidden it if I had wanted to but fortunately my friend isn't the type of person to care about that. You will probably have already picked our your bridesmaid dress before January and alterations aren't really events IME.

I would just tell people though. I can't imagine a real scenario where a person would be mad at another person for this. Good luck!

TRP85 · August 2014

I agree with everyone else. Your SIL is being ridiculous. My BFF and MOH was 8 months pregnant at my wedding. She looked stunning, and danced the night away with everyone else. Most importantly, we were both able to support and love one another through these milestones even though they happened around the same time. Brides cannot expect everyone else to put their lives on hold.

j&gmiller2015 · August 2014

OK thanks ladies. I feel better about the possibility of being pregnant during her wedding. I know its ridiculous, but I needed to see if other people had these kinds of relatives, or if it was just me.

These really are the best times in our (and all of your) lives, I feel like I should be able to shout it from a mountain if I wanted to! But I tend to think about everyone's feelings too much and especially when my family is involved. But thanks for the positive comments

j&gmiller2015 · August 2014

My MIL has been with her company for 30+ years and she will retire in a year. They told her they would allow her to work part time from home until she retires so she can babysit during the day. I thank everyone for the comments pertaining to my situation with my SIL. My MIL work situation was not the topic of concern here.

heatherwhite1984 · August 2014

my sister tried doing that to a few of us, i laughed at her. then one got pregnant and was 8 months at the wedding.
do not plan your family around your family members.

asws1208 · August 2014

jnicole124 said:

OK thanks ladies. I feel better about the possibility of being pregnant during her wedding. I know its ridiculous, but I needed to see if other people had these kinds of relatives, or if it was just me.

These really are the best times in our (and all of your) lives, I feel like I should be able to shout it from a mountain if I wanted to! But I tend to think about everyone's feelings too much and especially when my family is involved. But thanks for the positive comments

You are not being ridiculous! We had 'family conflicts' we were worried about when we were TTC as well but when time came we were so over joyed that what anyone else was doing and/or thinking was the least of our concerns!! Don't worry about your SIL. Let her have her light and if yours happens to be at the same time you can both!

Good luck!

usernewname · August 2014

She announced her engagement. That was her thunder. And just don't at her wedding. Then you're good.

But your baseing a lot on what if. You could get pregnant right away or it might take a while.

People hAve been pregnant and in a wedding before.

deidraandjonathan · August 2014

You're not worried about MAYBE stealing your SIL's thunder by MAYBE getting pregnant once you FINALLY start TTC months down the road..

You're worried about your own thunder not being as glorious because of the overcast of her wedding. I mean, you already have the whole thing (including invitations to a party) planned out and it isn't even close to a real scenario yet.

Just calm down. Let her have her bride time. TTC as planned. If you get pregnant, great. If not, crisis avoided. Being an only child is tough when it comes to sharing things/anything -- trust me, I know.

NoleGirl9 · August 2014

OP, I can relate! My sister told me, I better not be pregnant for her wedding because I need to look good... I also should mention that she's not even engaged yet...

sister13 · August 2014

jnicole124 said:

OK thanks ladies. I feel better about the possibility of being pregnant during her wedding. I know its ridiculous, but I needed to see if other people had these kinds of relatives, or if it was just me.

These really are the best times in our (and all of your) lives, I feel like I should be able to shout it from a mountain if I wanted to! But I tend to think about everyone's feelings too much and especially when my family is involved. But thanks for the positive comments

Lol, obviously, you are very concerned "about everyone's feelings" related to giving you enough attention.

You both sound like attention whores. You are worried she'll "ruin your day" by overreacting to you "ruining" her wedding planning by announcing a hypothetical pregnancy?

paigeed · August 2014

I don't think you are an attention whore. I understand where you are coming from but I think I would worry about it more once you are actually pregnant.

If it happens to be right before the wedding then figure it out. I don't think I would even tell people until the 12 week mark. So depending on when you get pregnant then you could maybe wait a few weeks before telling them to just let her have her time in the limelight.

If you get pregnant right away then tell them in March or so because you would obviously be 6 months along at the wedding time. Maybe tell her first, privately so she doesn't think you are trying to "rain on her parade."

ruby0710 · August 2014

You shouldn't postpone your pregnancy just because your SIL is engaged. Chances are, you won't be announcing until you're out of the first trimester, so it gives you time to plan to announcement. If you think your SIL might be upset, you may want to tell her privately (or have your husband tell her) ahead of time so she doesn't overreact while the family is together. Obviously, I wouldn't announce the pregnancy at any of your SIL's bridal events (engagement party, bachelorette, shower, wedding, etc.), but otherwise there's no reason not to invite your in-laws over for the announcement or to tell them at another family event like a holiday gathering.

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