My MIL wants to have a baby shower for me

AngieAn · August 2014

I was over at my MIL and she asked what type of shower I would like to have. I was surprised that she would even ask seeing as this is my 3rd baby. I told her none, I already had one, with my 1st, and she looked at me like I was the crazy one. She said half jokingly that i would have to show up if she had a surprise one and everybody was there. I said nope, I would just not go. All joking aside she gave me a look and said I was pretty selfish.

Help, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to fight with her, but i don't want to start giving in to her again to just to keep the peace.

jennjilljo · August 2014

Maybe there's a comprise. A diaper party or simple dinner party instead of a baby shower? She just wants to celebrate so find a way to let her that you're still comfortable with. Unless you are really against it. If it's important to you not to have anything than its OK to put your foot down.

jmcgra06 · August 2014

So is this your first baby with her son? She sounds really excited (and a little controlling) but I would see if there was a compromise. Maybe she would settle for a sprinkle with no gifts, or gifts could be donated to a shelter?

I think if you can hear what aspects of the shower are important to her, you might be able to nix the parts that are tacky to you and both be happy.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

AngieAn · August 2014

She is the grandma to all 3, She actually gave me my shower with my mom when I had my first. She did mention that the time gap is so big, and since I have nothing, she can't figure out what the big deal is. Her own daughter had a shower for each baby, so I think thats also why she think it's okay.

StephanieLBerg · August 2014

I think a diaper party is a good idea and is more than appropriate. You can never have too many diapers! That way, you're not feeling like you've overstepped a boundary concerning having a baby shower since its your third, and you won't hurt her feelings by telling her that she can't throw a celebration for you and the family!

wintersong139 · August 2014

I am going to differ from everyone else. Family peace is more important than feeling like you are tacky. Just ask her to keep it small, family only. (Less concern about being tacky that way.)

thegoodpotato · August 2014

I think a diaper party is a good idea.... but if you're worried, maybe just let her throw a "no gifts" party just to celebrate the fact that a baby is coming? Make sure that nobody buys anything, but it's a great reason to get together with people you like, and have some good food and delicious cake (do people have cakes at baby showers?).

CogDis · August 2014

It isn't clear what your concern with the baby shower is. Do you not want the attention? Are you concerned about what others will think? Is it that you think it's tacky? Are you afraid people will judge you?

It's really had to suggest options without knowing what the real problem is. Sorry you're going through this.

StephanieLBerg · August 2014

I know mine will be full of cake and cupcakes! I've asked my mom that I would love for her to make her famous cupcake recipe for the shower. One of my party happy friends is making the cake. So I'm just putting in my two cents whenever I can, and when its asked for. I have no idea what they have planned, but I have been asked for a theme and our registry information. What flavor cake I like, as well as what types of games I would like to play (I am very anti dirty diaper game since I was 6 and my aunt actually switched my diaper for one that really was dirty!). But other than that, I have no say in the planning, which is how it should be. :-)

lotsofdotts · August 2014

I'm afraid I am in the same boat. This is my third baby but the first for my husband. When we got married, I wanted to just have a small ceremony or elope, but since he has never been married before he wanted the whole wedding experience for him and his family so I relented. I don't regret it at all. I was afraid my southern family would disown me for being so tacky for having a full wedding again, but they actually were super happy after it was all done because they saw how I finally found the right man who absolutely loves and adores me.

With all that being said, I will allow his family to do a family shower (they live in Michigan and I am in NC so it will be less tacky since the people around here won't be involved.). I know they are excited because this is the first grandchild on that side and my husband's first child. I don't like the idea of having a shower for a third baby, but I do have to give in and remember that he and his side want the experience that I have already had.

You have to do what is best for you and your family. Hang in there.

lizjennings81 · August 2014

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you gave into her before, but have tried to establish a new dynamic where you put yourself and your family above her wishes. Tacky is just one component of this. Is that right?

AF9211 · August 2014

I'm a little confused too. Did you have a shower with #2 if she's the grandmother of all 3 of your little ones? Why is she offering for baby #3 if baby #2 didn't have a shower? How far apart in age will #2 and #3 be? If there's a significant age difference, I don't see you having a shower for this baby as tacky or gift grabby.

AngieAn · August 2014

I gave into her for years. I was young when i has my first, and I figured it would be easier to just let her have her way then to cause problems. Obviously that only encouraged her. After 13 years I'm finally able to voice how i want things, but i think me having another baby, she's kicked back into high gear with how i should do things again.

I do think it's tacky to have a baby shower with the third. But thats cause it's still the same marriage, and she thought i should have one cause I got rid of all my baby things so many years ago. She thinks it's a way to get things.

My husband thinks she probably feels like she should buy us things, and if we have a baby shower, she won't have as much pressure, cause other people will buy it for us.

I have NO problem buying my own things. So i'm not sure where she is getting this from.

Ducktale · August 2014

I'm sure I'm a judgmental bitch, but if I received an invite to a second (or third) baby shower I would probably side eye the mom, even though it sounds like in this case it would be the MIL's fault. I'd agree with PP, see if she'll do a small brunch or something, with just a few people (no registries, games, etc)

CogDis · August 2014

I think I understand now, that is tough. Have you tried explaining to her how you feel about having a second shower? Not just saying that you don't want one, but saying that you think it's unnecessary because you had previous ones and you're afraid people will judge you, you think it's tacky or whatever? It if you explain that you'll be embarrassed and or mortified I believe you'd be well within your rights to tell her that she's the one being selfish if she responds to that with continued pressure to have the party. That said if you're not clear about how you actually feel, and you can't really expect her to understand your feelings. Make sure that you're clear as not many people are very good at reading between the lines and that's where hurt feelings come in.

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

mommadozer · August 2014

Ya, just try and do something small that way she gets to plan something and you won't make her upset. Not a fan of meet the baby parties, especially with February due dates. Feel like you would have to say if you are sick, don't show up!

Your MIL sounds like mine. Definitely have to stand my ground with her quite a bit. Love her dearly but, she clearly tries to control our lives especially on holidays. I have to fight tooth and nail to see my family. Can't wait for next Christmas though. Finally enjoy Christmas morning at my own house since LO will be here!

lizjennings81 · August 2014

If she can meet you halfway, let her do something small that doesn't involve gifts. Compromise seems key here, particularly if you can express your concerns and she's open to listening.

But if she ignores you and wants the whole shebang? Eh, I don't feel the need to keep the peace with all-or-nothing family members. Do what's most comfortable for you in that instance.

MrsTucker2011 · August 2014

If she really is insisting on having a shower, I would say OK but only her/your husband's side of the family. That way everyone will already know how she is pushy, and if they ask you about it you can tell them "idk, she insisted on throwing this shower after I told her I didn't want one. I'm not involved in planning. I'm just showing up."

[Deleted User] · August 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

maltwin1 · August 2014

I don't blame you for not wanting a 3rd shower. What about suggesting something like a family-only dinner party to celebrate the new baby. That way it's only people that are already excited for you. Maybe you could say you didn't feel comfortable calling it a shower so gifts wouldn't be implied. But if it's just close family that would probably be getting you a gift of some sort anyway, I think you're covered either way.

I'm not sure how you feel about these, but could you suggest she throw you a family only gender reveal party? That way she's getting to do something, but it's not a gift giving something.

psychobutthead · August 2014

If you don't want a shower and its not your first child and not your husbands first then she needs to get over it.

I know sometimes you have to find that delicate balance to please yourself and to keep peace with inlaws. But I say put your foot down. If you've had trouble with her being pushy in the past giving into something you clearly don't want will start that cycle over.

She sounds excited and if she is maybe you could tell her one or two things you guys would like to have baby wise but a shower isnt needed. Or maybe have a small brunch with mostly family. If they really want to buy gifts then they will even though its not called for the occasion.

Beth.1212 · August 2014

You're declining a party thrown in your honor where you get gifts. I would say that's the opposite of selfish.

I wouldn't want a shower for my third baby, either. I agree that it looks greedy to have more than one baby shower.

You can explain to MIL that you'd be very uncomfortable with a shower and that you hope she wouldn't try to surprise you into a party that you'd be really uncomfortable with and unhappy at. If she's worried that she needs to buy you everything, it might help to mention that you are looking forward to buying things for the new LO yourselves.

If you trust your MIL to follow your guest list and you want to smooth things over and you're so inclined, I think a shower with just your in-laws would be okay. At least, personally, I'd be okay with that if it were me. It sounds like that family is used to repeat showers.

KMommytobe · August 2014

I think it's totally okay if she wants to throw one for you!

It's different when moms try to have a shower for every child especially if they are close together because it seems very gift grabby... But that's not the case here!

jaztastic · August 2014

I personally don't understand the dramatics behind going so far to stop the shower. You said, I've already had one and this isn't my first child. She still wants to throw you one, so great. I would be appreciative and grateful to any and everyone for caring enough to want to shower me and baby... Again.

foxslaw · August 2014

I agree with @jaztastic‌, but I personally don't find repeat baby showers to be that tacky & don't personally know anyone who does? I mean, it's a great excuse to eat cupcakes & see family/friends. People who want to come, can come, and if people give you an eyebrow, (if the opinion really matters that much to you) just explain that it was important to your MIL. I mean, no matter what number child you are having, it's still exciting!

Mrsgclark81 · August 2014

If you no longer have baby items and she wants to
throw you a shower then whats the problem? I doubt the baby shower police will come after you. Do you think multiple baby showers are tacky? At the very least its a good excuse to have friends and family over to celebrate your newest little one ;;)

AngieAn · August 2014

Thanks everyone! I went over to her house this morning to talk to her and clear things up. I told her why i wasn't to excited to have a baby shower and apologized for the way i said i wouldn't show up. I asked her if we cold have a compromise here and maybe have a small thing at her house with just close family members. That way she still can do something and I don't have to sit through a full baby shower at a hall. She said that would be fine and she of course asked if me or my mom would do the cooking ( I wasn't surprised to hear her pass it all off) I told her my mom most likely would do it and I would buy the cake so don't worry. I did tell her it would have to be before the baby born. cause with it being February I don't want to refuse people coming due to illnesses….Thanks again for that idea guys!!!

She wasn't exactly happy but she got over it. she started to cry and she said that she didn't want to start anything, she just wanted me to get some gifts, and that If she over steps again to please tell her. My FIL rolled his eyes- I actually giggled a bit. When he was walking me out he started laughing and said that drama was what she specialized in, so don't take her to literal. I hugged him and said I know. Thank god I have him at least

MrsTucker2011 · August 2014

Stephanie2378 said:

MrsTucker2011 said:
If she really is insisting on having a shower, I would say OK but only her/your husband's side of the family. That way everyone will already know how she is pushy, and if they ask you about it you can tell them "idk, she insisted on throwing this shower after I told her I didn't want one. I'm not involved in planning. I'm just showing up."
Ack!! Do NOT say that! It would seem very ungrateful and is extremely impolite! If people are so rude that they make a comment to you they are the type of people who you shouldn't feel obligated to explain anything to.

She's still your mother in law and you should show some respect especially in front of others. Killing people with kindness is always the way to keep the upper hand.

I was saying that more like worst case scenario. I'm speaking from experience of having a very pushy sometimes rude grandma. My entire family knows how she is, and sometimes it's just easier to let them know what's going on, especially since they know and are related to her too.

jennjilljo · August 2014

@AngieAn‌ I'm glad You were able to work out a compromise! Have fun at your small family gathering!

CogDis · August 2014

@AngieAn‌ congrats on keeping your cool, being mature and diffusing the drama! I might call you in someday to diffuse drama bombs in my life ;-)

MsConstanceJackson · August 2014

If I were you, I would have a baby shower. This is my 8th and final baby and I've never received a babyshower. "Good luck to you." ;;)

Want a personalized experience?

My MIL wants to have a baby shower for me

Re: My MIL wants to have a baby shower for me

Choose Another Board

Search Boards