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Gender Disappointment

shellybean3788shellybean3788 member
edited August 2014 in 2nd Trimester
My fiancé and I found out yesterday that our first child is going to be a little girl. I've asked him many times throughout the pregnancy if he had a preference, and he always responded with the usual, "I don't care as long as it's healthy."

Well, when the ultrasound tech revealed that our baby was a girl, his expression became guarded and I noticed he got rather pale. Later at our "celebratory" dinner, he was downright green, and ate mechanically. I'm sure he didn't taste anything. He looked a lot like someone who had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Later last night, he finally admitted he was disappointed, and that he felt like a jerk about it. Then he poured himself a glass of whiskey and disappeared into the bath tub to ponder the meaning of life, I suppose.

I feel terrible. I am so incredibly happy that I'm having a daughter, but at the same time, I feel like I let him down. (Yes, I know I can't control the sex of the baby, and that it's a totally irrational thought, but I can't help it). After many miscarriages I just feel blessed to be having a baby at all, but his attitude is killing it, KILLING IT!!!

Did any of your significant others display signs of gender disappointment? Is there a way to help?
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Re: Gender Disappointment

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  • robsbabygirl08robsbabygirl08 member
    My DH was dissapointed too, but he got over it the instant he held her and now they are like two peas in a pod (she is 3).  They are so close and have a really special bond.  His dissapointment after my U/S with her is one of the biggest reasons I am Team Green with this one.
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  • waldothewiener1waldothewiener1 member
    I wanted a girl the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy but as soon as I found out I was having a boy, I was only sightly disappointed very briefly and then didn't care anymore. Now that he's here I cannot believe I ever felt that way. I'm sure your hubby will be the same way.
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  • MrsDLMrsDL member

    I think it's normal, I was hoping for a girl this time because we have a son and we're two and done and one of each would have been nice to experience, so I was a little disappointed but you get over it quickly. If he disappears with Whisky every night over this, well then that's more than a little disappointment over the sex and not normal.

    It might not even be that he is disappointed per se, sometimes men feel more at ease when they learn they're having a boy, just like some females feel the same about a girl - you feel like you know what to expect with the same sex.  I have plenty of male friends who needed a day or two to process when they learned their first, in particular,  was going to be a daughter, not because they were disappointed, but they all said they immediately went into daddy's little girl mode - thinking ahead to relating to her, protecting her, will they be able to do it, what about when she dates - will they go gray or lose their hair early.  Sounds silly, but most dad's I know view raising a daughter differently than raising a son and before they experience it, they get a bit stressed about what they feel is more of an unknown than raising a boy. 

     
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  • KnitPixyKnitPixy member
    MrsDL said:

    I think it's normal, I was hoping for a girl this time because we have a son and we're two and done and one of each would have been nice to experience, so I was a little disappointed but you get over it quickly. If he disappears with Whisky every night over this, well then that's more than a little disappointment over the sex and not normal.

    It might not even be that he is disappointed per se, sometimes men feel more at ease when they learn they're having a boy, just like some females feel the same about a girl - you feel like you know what to expect with the same sex.  I have plenty of male friends who needed a day or two to process when they learned their first, in particular,  was going to be a daughter, not because they were disappointed, but they all said they immediately went into daddy's little girl mode - thinking ahead to relating to her, protecting her, will they be able to do it, what about when she dates - will they go gray or lose their hair early.  Sounds silly, but most dad's I know view raising a daughter differently than raising a son and before they experience it, they get a bit stressed about what they feel is more of an unknown than raising a boy. 

    ^ This!  My BIL is terrified at the thought of having a little girl and while he hasn't said anything to my SIL about it know that if it is a girl when they find out the baby's sex that he is going to need some time.  I have feeling that my DH might be the same way.  It's one of the many reasons we are sticking to team green.

    Personally I am neverous about the thought of having a little boy because I am definately more comfortable and have more experience with girls.

    Give him a day or two to process it.  If he's still in woe is me mode then you probably need to talk to him.

    Hey it could be worse I had a friend whose fiance actually jumped up and gave a fist pump when he found out they were having a boy because that "is so much better than a girl"... he's not exactly my favourite person.

     

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  • ashiscuteashiscute member
    It's ok to be disappointed.  If he spent a few hours being disappointed and then feeling bad about that I don't really think that's an issue.  Give him time.  
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  • MrsLaLaBugMrsLaLaBug member
    wait until he meets her.  Then see if he has the same "disappointment". 
                                                                                      
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  • jac409jac409 member
    My DH was kind of the same when we found out we were having a girl the first time. He wasn't quite as bad as yours, but he just didn't say much at all. She is 19 months now and he adores her. He had a hard time agreeing to a second child because he just couldn't understand how he could love another one as much as he loves her. Your husband will be ok. Just give him some time.
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  • MaebbMaebb member
    I'm sorry - like PPs have said, I'm glad he acknowledges that he's being a jerk. Hopefully he will get over it soon or at least by the time your baby girl is born. If not, honestly, I would have him seek counseling because you don't want your daughter to ever feel like her dad is disappointed in her for something that is completely out of her control.
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  • HerHighnessHerHighness member
    It's normal. Let him have his pity party as long as he doesnt camp and live there. I know my husband was originally disappointed my first was a girl but now he wants this one to be a girl as well. He thinks he knows what to do with girls (ha! Mine is 4. Wait til 14)
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  • biaher16biaher16 member
    Just give him time and when he is ready to talk explain how you feel and that either way she Is a blessing. My bf is set that my baby Is a girl but he really doesn't care about the sex. I kinda feel sad that he doesn't have a preference because he already has 2 boys and a girl so it just makes me feel like my baby is less special to him (pregnancy brain ~X( ) I know that its different since its not his first time around I just feel I'm miss ing out in all the first time parent exitment . Your husband will get over it and that baby girl will be a daddys girl in no time. Good luck :)
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  • AlygohomeAlygohome member
    edited August 2014

    I kind of get this, because no matter what sex it is I will be slightly disappointed, not because I have a preference on sex but because I think we will be one and done and I was really hoping for twins so I didn't have to do this crazy pregnancy stuff again and I always wanted two children regardless of sex.  My husband doesn't have a preference either but if he did I think we would have waited and been team green just in case. I would give him some time then explain to him how his reaction made you feel. I am sure he will love the baby no matter what!  

     

    Edited gender/sex

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  • AlygohomeAlygohome member
    aditigirl said:
    I kind of get this, because no matter what gender it is I will be slightly disappointed, not because I have a preference on sex but because I think we will be one and done and I was really hoping for twins so I didn't have to do this crazy pregnancy stuff again and I always wanted two children regardless of sex.  My husband doesn't have a preference either but if he did I think we would have waited and been team green just in case. I would give him some time then explain to him how his reaction made you feel. I am sure he will love the baby no matter what!  
    How do you manage to use both gender and sex in the same sentence? They aren't interchangeable.

    You are right, sorry, I meant to say sex. I will edit!
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  • MallardDuckyMallardDucky member
    I can't be the only one thinking he might just be scared shitless about having a girl. I get it, he is a guy and used to guy things. The world of a little girl is totally different and it's a learning curve.

    We have no idea why he actually went into the bath with a drink, hell what woman hasn't when pondering something?



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  • kefttsckefttsc member
    Don't worry, OP. I'm sure he will come around. I'm sure that pretty soon, he will start to realize all of the fun things he will have with a daughter.
    If he holds into this feeling, he's being a jerk. But for now, I think he's just freaking out!
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  • nikkitaplinnikkitaplin member

    I can totally understand it. Everything will change when he holds that baby.  I wouldn't worry too much about it.  Maybe don't go crazy pink for a bit and have him get more involved with picking things out. 

    I'm obsessed with finding the 'perfect' rocker for the nursery so I make DH got to babies r us and other stores just to sit in the chairs to see which I want.  Anyways, I figured DH would want a boy since he's so big into sports and all that stuff.  I wasn't planning on looking at crib sets but he started pointing out the one he wanted if we have a boy but then showed me two he liked for a girl...he was really excited about it.  I think you need to give him a few to get used to it. 

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  • kylik90kylik90 member
    I'm sure my father was a little disappointed when he found out that he was going to have 2 daughters as he's a huge hunter and fisherman. I'm such a daddy's girl and guess what? He still taught me and my sister how to shoot, fish, and love the outdoors. Just because I'm not a male, doesn't mean that I couldn't/can't learn how to do "guy" stuff. Same with my DH and our DD. He was slightly disappointed for a minute but got over it. Now she's 3 and they love to watch sports together and wrestle around. 

    Let your DH be disappointed for a day or two. He'll get over when she's here and realizes that he can still do "guy" stuff with her if she wants to.
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  • nikkitaplinnikkitaplin member
    First off...yes, I know girls can do what boys can do.  I'm not stupid.  I know that if we have a girl, DH will throw a football with her, etc....but you can't deny that lots of men hope for a boy first.  It's natural.  I was a tomboy growing up and have pushed my daughter to play sports although she has gravitated to more girly things like dance and cheerleading....Don't take comments so literally. Goodness.
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  • MMason12MMason12 member
    When the nurse told us we were having a girl my DH's first reaction was "ugh, no". He had been saying all along he thought (and hoped) it was a boy. I gave him space and in about two days he came around.

    It took him sometime to realize that a little girl can be just as cool as a little boy. He also was nervous thinking about raising a girl because well he knows how boys (once they are older) are.

    Overall, he now loves his little girl and can't wait to meet her. Give him time and let him come around.
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  • TapsalteerieTapsalteerie member
    nikkitaplin said:
    First off...yes, I know girls can do what boys can do.  I'm not stupid.  I know that if we have a girl, DH will throw a football with her, etc....but you can't deny that lots of men hope for a boy first.  It's natural.  I was a tomboy growing up and have pushed my daughter to play sports although she has gravitated to more girly things like dance and cheerleading....Don't take comments so literally. Goodness.
    First, there was no mention of you being stupid in any of the responses to your post.  Way to blow things out of proportion.

    Second, we responded based on what you typed.

    "Anyways, I figured DH would want a boy since he's so big into sports and all that stuff."

    Yes, there are men out there who would love to have a little boy.  My original response still stands.  If you truly believe that girls can do what boys can do, and your sole reason for wanting a boy is so he can do sport-related activities, then in the end, having a boy or a girl should not make a difference.  Not all boys are into sports, either.
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  • nikkitaplinnikkitaplin member
    Tapsalteerie said:
    nikkitaplin said:
    First off...yes, I know girls can do what boys can do.  I'm not stupid.  I know that if we have a girl, DH will throw a football with her, etc....but you can't deny that lots of men hope for a boy first.  It's natural.  I was a tomboy growing up and have pushed my daughter to play sports although she has gravitated to more girly things like dance and cheerleading....Don't take comments so literally. Goodness.
    First, there was no mention of you being stupid in any of the responses to your post.  Way to blow things out of proportion.

    Second, we responded based on what you typed.

    "Anyways, I figured DH would want a boy since he's so big into sports and all that stuff."

    Yes, there are men out there who would love to have a little boy.  My original response still stands.  If you truly believe that girls can do what boys can do, and your sole reason for wanting a boy is so he can do sport-related activities, then in the end, having a boy or a girl should not make a difference.  Not all boys are into sports, either.
    where did I mention that someone called me stupid?
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  • TapsalteerieTapsalteerie member
    nikkitaplin said:
    Tapsalteerie said:
    nikkitaplin said:
    First off...yes, I know girls can do what boys can do.  I'm not stupid.  I know that if we have a girl, DH will throw a football with her, etc....but you can't deny that lots of men hope for a boy first.  It's natural.  I was a tomboy growing up and have pushed my daughter to play sports although she has gravitated to more girly things like dance and cheerleading....Don't take comments so literally. Goodness.
    First, there was no mention of you being stupid in any of the responses to your post.  Way to blow things out of proportion.

    Second, we responded based on what you typed.

    "Anyways, I figured DH would want a boy since he's so big into sports and all that stuff."

    Yes, there are men out there who would love to have a little boy.  My original response still stands.  If you truly believe that girls can do what boys can do, and your sole reason for wanting a boy is so he can do sport-related activities, then in the end, having a boy or a girl should not make a difference.  Not all boys are into sports, either.
    where did I mention that someone called me stupid?
    The "I'm not stupid." comment implied that we thought you were.  Everyone had a reasonable response to what we felt like was a comment containing gender stereotyping.
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  • laurenraelaurenrae member
    I would be so mad if my husband acted this way. Get over it. Especially if there were previous losses.....sounds so selfish and ungrateful. We have lost two angels and we will both be happy to have a baby in our arms.
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  • AlygohomeAlygohome member
    Its funny because If we have a girl my husband would take her to do the same stuff he would a boy (fishing, camping ect). My good friend has two boys and two girls and the girls are WAY more into fishing and camping, quading, hunting and the out doors then boys. Having a certain sex doesn't guarantee their likes/dislikes. 
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  • Dani0329Dani0329 member
    We both were hoping for a boy, DH took it better than me that we were having a girl. He took me shopping for a few cute outfits after the u/s and it cheered me up. Now it's hard to imagine our little girl any differently and she isn't even here yet. Give him time to process, it didn't take 24 hours for us to be over the moon again.

     
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  • KMommytobeKMommytobe member
    I think it's normal to have a preference and to be a little disappointed, but after a day or two come to terms and move on. If it's beyond that then I think there's a problem.

    DH and I initially wanted a girl and we have 2 boys. I was fine with our first being a boy, our 2nd I definitely experienced a little disappointment at first. However, I love having 2 that are the same sex and they are best buddies! It's awesome they are into the same things and DS2 was able to wear all of DS1s clothes. I think as they get older too it's nice they will be brothers and always have each other.

    We are currently pregnant with #3. I'm not going to lie id love to have a daughter but it's going to be a boy or girl and regardless it will be okay and the "right" addition to our family!
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  • MommyOfAMiracleMommyOfAMiracle member
    edited August 2014
    Nicb13 said:
    kyliedaniellexx said:
    Nicb13 said:
    And I mainly responded the way I did because I think you actually should be pregnant or have had a kid to effectively weigh in on this.

    Well, that was a shitty thing to say, no? Even though I am pregnant, I have no experience with sex disappointment like the OP did. Does that mean I'm not allowed to weigh in either? 
    @LongLiveTheEvilQueen already clarified her meaning beyond the original comment, and stated her opinion just like the rest of us (which was not out of line with the rest of the responses in any way)

    Seriously, I feel like this was just meant to be a low blow for absolutely no good reason. 

    I figured someone might take it that way but I stand behind what I said. I'm on here an awful damn lot and I'm not usually one to dish out "low blows" so that wasn't my intention here either. With that being said, I truly believe that until you are pregnant or have a child, you won't really know how you'll feel about this subject and you can't effectively weigh in on "gender disappointment" when you don't have a kid or one coming.

    I don't post in threads relating to having a girl, potty training or even breast feeding because I have very little, or NO experience with it. Sure, I might have opinions but I have no experience to contribute to a conversation so to me, it's pointless, especially when you are telling someone else they are wrong.  


    An opinion vs. experience isn't even comparable. Someone offering their opinion is just that, an opinion. I don't feel that you have to have experience to have an opinion. I don't think that's fair to shun someone's opinion because they don't have experience. It was a pretty rude thing to say.

     ----

    I'm curious to see what DH's reaction will be when we find out the sex. I know he wants a boy REALLY bad, and he has his personal reasons. His father passed away 4 weeks before we found out we were pregnant, so he's looking at this baby as a gift from his father. I know him being an only and adopted child, he would like to carry on the bond to son, himself. It worries me a little bit if the baby is a girl, but i'm sure after some possible disapointment, he will come around. But then again, who knows? He might be excited to have a little girl. Time will tell.

    OP- I'm glad he came around. :)

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  • momthatliftsmomthatlifts member
    Give him time. Hopefully he will come around.

    It's a BOY










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  • momof3andcountingmomof3andcounting member
    My DH never seemed disappointed...we have 3 girls...however, when we went for our appt to find out what this baby is and we both saw that little boy part as plain as day, I could see his entire face light up:) I on the other hand am less enthused simply because I have no idea what to do with a boy and shopping is not nearly as fun...but he's healthy and that's all that really matters! I'm sure your fiance will be ecstatic when that baby girl arrives:)
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