Disability and Babywearing

dobbysmom · August 2014

I'm not really sure how to phrase this, I don't want to be ableist or offensive unintentionally... I just need advice. I'm still pregnant (36 weeks today!!) and my husband and I are so excited to have our baby, are so excited for attachment parenting. One thing we are super enthusiastic about is the babywearing aspect, my husband was a little wary of the safety but after our education classes at our Pro-AP birthcenter, is a complete convert. We have a whole array of baby carriers so we can figure out what works for us and our little lady, some DIY some store bought.

My issue that I'm having is with my Mom. We are extremely close. Before we decided that I was going to be a SAHM for the foreseeable future (actually left work before my 3rd Trimester due to the physical nature of my job) She was going to be our child care. She was planning on moving across town to live near us. Well there was quite a bit of general family illness and my Mom's thyroid cancer reoccurred as well. She ended up needing a surgery that ended up causing an extreme amount of nerve damage. Resulting in she's lost a lot of muscle structure in her neck/shoulder and dominant arm. Also some mobility in turning her head. She is in physical therapy, but its going to be a long road, and they don't expect her to regain full function or strength at this point. She doesn't know how to take it easy either.

My issue is that she keeps bringing up that she wants a wrap o a sling or something, so she can babywear too. She thinks it's going to be the answer to her problems. And while it might not cause her too much pain when baby is a newborn and light... she's also more helpless than, and I would think that you need to be pretty physically able to react quickly, reach your arms up and around and behind to tie, adjust, put baby in and out of the carrier... And when she's older she'll just be to heavy for it to be comfortable/safe for my Mom to manage without hurting herself.

I keep trying to tell my Mom that it's not something she needs to worry about. Part of our interpretation (and this might be standard, we haven't been able to really talk to other AP parents so far) is that we won't be using baby sitters for a while. My husband and I want our daughter with us, we aren't worried about overnights or anything like that for at least a year, and if either of us need a break for a few hours, the other parent will stay with baby. We don't go out on a lot of "romantic" dates, we like to do things around the house and plan to bring our daughter out with us. This may totally change, but for now that's our mindset. It's not that we don't want my Mom around, it's that I will be here with her when she's over. I keep telling my Mom she doesn't need to worry about transporting baby around, carrying her etc (my mom also doesn't have a vehicle, so she won't need to deal with carseats) when she's here with us, she can sit on the couch, and love on baby all she wants. We also ended up getting a stroller much earlier than anticipated (a gift from my husbands boss) so if we do decide to get out of the house (together) my Mom will be able to push the stroller if we decide not to carry at the time. As much as I worry about the safety of my baby, I'm also very concerned about my Mom causing further damage to herself.

Anyways... I guess what I'm asking is if I seem over protective? Does anybody have mobility pain issues and babywearing HAS been a godsend? I just want to get some BTDT advice or anecdata, since I've never babyworn, except in putting my nephew in one a few times to get the feel of it. I just want to make sure that I'm not coming out of left field before I have the blunt conversation with my Mom. She's done so much for us in this pregnancy and she's so excited to meet her granddaughter and be a part of her life I don't want to hurt her feelings. I know she's struggling with the chronic pain that's now part of her life and how it's going to effect her relationship with the baby.

I'm just at a loss. If you have advice I'd really appreciate it. Thank you!

dobbysmom · August 2014

That's great advice! Thank you !

PipSqueak0313 · August 2014

Or even have her practice putting on and wearing one with something weighted, like a bag of sugar. In some ways, a wrap or something similar, put on with assistance, may help her hold baby safer if she has lost arm strength....thinking in terms of dropping from arm giving out.

neverblushed · August 2014

Time is your friend on this.

Tell your mom that when the baby actually arrives, she can try out a bunch of different carriers and see what works best. You both may find that different carriers work at different stages. Also, presumably your mom will recover and have better R.O.M over time. This may make carriers that don't work for her at the time the baby is a newborn more viable as time passes.

My mom was my daycare provider when my DD was born. There are SO many wonderful, positive things about having your mom care for your child -- I count myself very lucky to have been in a situation where this would work. However, one of the things I learned was not to try to micromanage my mom's care of my child. I had to let my mom try things and figure things out. And I had to be willing to be a little flexible about some things. When the baby arrives, your mom will discover what she can do and what works best for her.

And, believe me, your baby will quickly learn to distinguish and deal with the fact that grandma's way and mommy's way are not always the same. It's actually good for children to experience this difference in caregiving styles, so don't worry if your mom doesn't do everything the way you do it or vice versa.

Enjoy!

ETA: I had a few different carriers. My kids came along before the Ergo and wrap-type carriers were widely available. So when I say "a few" I mean I had a ring sling and a Bjorn. Honestly, I used the sling when my babies were small, and the Bjorn as they got older, but I never wore my babies for that long. I just found ways to carry them in my arms. If I'd had a wrap, I might have used it more than the sling. Granted, I wasn't a hardcore "babywearing" proponent. I never felt the need to "wear" the baby in order to have a lot of contact and closeness. Just play it by ear and don't beat yourself up if your original ideas about what you'd like to do don't pan out.

flcl · August 2014

I agree with @clarypax about her excitement to wear baby since you and your H seem excited about it. It is pretty great... it's such an easy way to things done while bonding with LO. Having your mom try on a bunch of different carriers to test/practice is a good start. Then, you guys will have an idea of what may or may not work. As long as you help provide opportunities for her to bond with LO, even if you and your H are around, is probably what's most important and what your mom (and DD) will appreciate. GL!

pixieprincss · August 2014

Any realities of this will become self-evident when the time comes both in terms of physical ability as well as practical need since baby will primarily be with you. When people actually try babywearing the enormity of it--securing this tiny being becomes evident and usually tones people down from trying things beyond their abilities. Going to a babywearing meeting (and bringing her) is a great way to figure out the options and realities.

That said, babywearing was (is) really helpful for me when I had chronic pain and limited mobility in my neck: https://moregreenforlessgreen.com/babywearing-through-chronic-back-pain/. Not only was it physically helpful, but it was emotionally HUGE. Wearing was helpful even in situations like sitting because my arms didn't have to strain to hold baby. Also, wearing baby from small to big was natural, gradual strength training.

My parents were largely unwilling to wear my oldest, but took to it with DS2. Eventually DS2 go to heavy for my stepmom's arthritis limitations, but it was a sweet thing while it lasted. When they cared for him, I was fine with a stroller but wearing was just amazing, and I am grateful for them giving it a chance. As the parent, you can--of course-- set the healthy boundaries you need to, but I wouldn't write such a generous offer off but rather see what develops over time. It sounds like you have a great relationship. Trust in that--and in your ongoing ability to communicate--rather than limiting her when this is all just conversation and hopes and dreams. I hope she heals amazingly and is able to do all of the things you two have dreamed about together! It sounds like she has a very loving daughter cheering her on.

dobbysmom · August 2014

You guys are all so great! Your advice has really helped me calm down. I talked to my mom and reassured her that my fears were not about preventing her from bonding with her granddaughter, but worries about pain. Were gonna try out a sling and I think as long as she lets me help put her in and out we should be good. Really really thank you to everyone who commented!

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