Telling his ex

burberrynut · August 2014

Hey ladies. I'm 16 weeks and totally an unexpected pregnancy. Did fertility with my ex husband for 3 years with no luck. Since then have gotten divorced and met an amazing man.. We have been dating for a little over a year and surprise!! He was excited at first but now he is very distracted with the fact of telling his ex wife. He keeps saying it's gonna hurt her. I understand his concern but what is our other option. He has three kids of his own and they are still clueless as well. Any advice?

EllenMA · August 2014

He needs to bite the bullet and tell them.

MichaelSC28 · August 2014

I am a lil confused...why is he so scared its going to hurt his "EX"? I do believe that he is in a relationship with you and not sure why its a concern on how she reacts. So if she is disappointed...I mean well they are no longer together. He is with you. This just rubs me the wrong way it seems like someone is holding on to some feelings of guilt and you are having to deal with it.

Do they still have a tight relationship??

megdaig · August 2014

My question is why does he have to tell his ex at all? Are there other kids in the picture? Other than that, I don't see why it would be any of her business.

britb618 · August 2014

I know some other women have posted they were concerned the ex would try to change the custody arrangement - is this his concern? If it's just that it's going to hurt her I would be worried but if it's about how they will react regarding the kids then I think that's ok but you should still let him know it hurts that it has turned into his main focus

mstc83 · August 2014

I'm wondering how long ago was he divorced. If it was recent, I could see how he'd still be considering her feelings. Either way he should just tell her, because the waiting would start to piss me off personally.

danakatiepfoltzer · August 2014

megdaig said:
My question is why does he have to tell his ex at all? Are there other kids in the picture? Other than that, I don't see why it would be any of her business.

This

BookitBoo · August 2014

Tell her. She'll find out eventually (provided he sees the children, or is her Facebook friend, or has any mutual friends).

AlfiesMOM · August 2014

I am too confused as to why you all having a baby will hurt her? It sounds like you have been together for awhile, I could maybe understand if you had just started dating. Either way I think you both should be happy and he should just tell her.

LaBellaVida · August 2014

Who cares what the ex thinks. He's not obligated to tell her, just his kids.
I'd be pissed if my husband cared about his ex's "feelings."

I'm a bitch though. ....

pray67 · August 2014

The sooner the better. She is going to find out anyway. And the reaction he is scared of or is expecting is not going to change or get any better.

Pips09 · August 2014

He needs to man up and tell his kids. And then his ex, if he wants to (or if she's the mother of his kids) While he should be polite about it if he thinks it would hurt her, her feelings really aren't his concern anymore.

melmarie4 · August 2014

I can understand if he's concerned the ex will react in a way that will affect his relationship with the kids, like the custody arrangement. If that isn't the case however, he should be more concerned about your feelings than hers. I would encourage him to tell the kids and the ex ASAP so he can go back to being excited about the baby and focusing on his relationship with you.

ghostof5letters · August 2014

jennyhatt · August 2014

A baby should not be something that is kept hidden- nor does him not telling her change the fact that you are pregnant.
I would be ticked off if this was my boyfriend.

LovelyLips · August 2014

Well I have yet to tell my ex. We have DS together but haven't been together for nearly 5 ys. DS was 1 when I left him. My son sees his dad every other fortnight.
I'm not scared to tell him as I couldn't care less what he thinks but i'm holding back to get over 20w and feel more confident etc. my last loss made me nervous and have only just told rest of family I'm expecting.

At the end of the day its none of his damn business who else I breed with and I'll tell him when I'm too fat to hide behind the door when I pass my son over to him on his weekends. Which is very soon lol. There are no other kids involved other than my son who lives with me.

As for your situation he should tell his ex asap as there are more children involved and they deserve to know they are going to have a new sibling, more for their sake than hers.
You are together now and proudly pregnant and are a new family. Tough luck if it hurts her, it's none of her business anymore.

moonfaerie · August 2014

I don't see why he needs to tell his ex. He needs to man up and tell his kids. They can tell their mom. It's not his obligation to tell her, IMO, and he certainly should be more concerned with your feelings than hers.

My SD was 7 when I got pg with DD1, and coincidentally, her mom got pg right around the same time. Neither her mom nor my DH told each other about their upcoming kids - they told their daughter. We learned of her mom's pregnancy through SD, and her mom learned of ours through SD. I think they sent each other texts along the lines of "I heard you're expecting, congrats." Nobody was upset.

Eyefrog · August 2014

I never called up the ex to tell him of any of my children, he heard thru the grapevine via the kids and sent along the congratulations, same thing when he and his wife had their daughter, When I found out sent along a congratulations about the pregnancy and again when she was born. I don't see why it has to be difficult.

Good Luck!

SpaceGirlSpiff · August 2014

I feel like I need more details before I can make my final verdict..

1. Is this ex in question the mother of his children?

2. Why exactly would she be 'hurt' ... did he leave her for you and there are leftover bitter feelings? Or some other similar situation? Just trying to understand.

3. How often is he seeing his other kids and does he have a cordial co-parenting relationship in place?... what's that dynamic like?

If this is the mother of his other children, yeah I think she has a right to be informed that their children are about to get a new sibling (in a matter of fact and logistics kind of way, not because you should worry about her feelings)... if the children are older, yeah you could probably just tell them and have them pass on the news too, but I don't see why it'd be hard to just let the ex know at the next drop-off/pickup (if there's a regular custody arrangement going on) .... I guess I don't feel like the burden of adult-like news should be trusted to the kids to pass on in the right way, and they might also not be interested in being the one to break that to their Mom...but again, I guess that depends on age and the situation as a whole.

From my personal experience, my parents were NOT very cordial with one another (they divorced when I was too young to remember), and I HATED having to tell my Mom anything about my Dad's life going on (like him getting married, etc or whatever other new happenings came up in his life), because she wasn't good about keeping her negative opinions to herself and then I'd have to hear it.... so..that wasn't something I enjoyed doing. That might be coloring my opinion.

shellybean3788 · August 2014

Her reaction is none of his business. That's why she's an ex.

If her reaction is to projectile-vomit green slime and shoot five-inch nails out of her ass, it would be interesting to watch, but definitely none of your concern.

burberrynut · August 2014

His children. Are 11 8 and 4. He is fearful that the relationship with the parenting will be destroyed

RuppAFWife · August 2014

Until I saw this post I never even thought about telling my ex-husband that I'm pregnant. I don't see the point. From what you wrote your situation is different than mine though so different folks different strokes.

SpaceGirlSpiff · August 2014

burberrynut said:

His children. Are 11 8 and 4. He is fearful that the relationship with the parenting will be destroyed

Sooooooo his ex IS the mother of his other 3 children?

Dammit..so many questions asked in this post for clarification and this is all we get? It's hard to give proper advice with so little info.

I don't even quite get what you're saying... the co-parenting relationship with her will be destroyed? Why does he think that? Regardless, shes going to find out and wouldn't it be far less turbulent if he just manned up and let her know now than later when the baby is already here?

Their kids are going to have a sibling. It's information everyone should be aware of, for the sake of the kids. Just do it.

ETA: And at that age, I wouldn't suggest putting the burden on the kids to tell the info, either. Not really fair.

LaBellaVida · August 2014

^^I agree, I figured the kids were older.
Still, I'd let the kids know, then the ex know in passing the kids back after visitation.

At first op said he's worried about her feelings..... Then it's he's worried about visitation being destroyed.
Hmmmm...?

If there visitation is court ordered I wouldn't worry about it. She's gonna find out at some point, better now then later.

I'm sure we'll never hear from op again though.

Sigh' I'm sure I wrote this for nothing.

burberrynut · August 2014

Holy smokes. Why is everyone so quick to jump down my throat. I wrote this post for some advice. Didn't know this was free range to bash me. I work full time, packing my house getting ready to move and have a very busy 10 year old daughter. Why so judgmental. I honestly was looking for some support

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