Family treating LO diff than DD (long sorry)

dianeg1017 · August 2014

Hey ladies! My now DH and I have been together for a total of 7 years 2years in we mutually split for a little over a year. 22 year old me went wild and got prego by my then BF but didn't find out until 3mo after I broke things off. Odd twist of events happened and me and my now Hubby became close around 6mo prego he was there for my DD birth and delivery and all. it's 5 years later, we are now married and he has always been the only dad DD knows and treats her better than any dad could he is wonderful. He is an only child of divorced parents and his fam is amazing with DD and they treat like their biological grand baby.

In the back of my head I have always feared having another girl for fear they would treat the new baby girl diff as it would be their first biological grand baby. For this reason I really wanted a boy so in my mind I could justify diff treatment as grandson vs granddaughter. But LO is a girl. I am thrilled after multiple losses but in my mind I am so fearful of seeing favoritism. For this I fear I will favor my older daughter more to compensate. Am I just nuts and overthinking? Anyone else on the other side of this type situation? Have you seen favoritism? Or am I just prego paranoid? Please give opinions. I know if nothing else I will get honesty from my D14 ladies lol. Thanks for reading this long post.

JRod13 · August 2014

I can see why you would worry, you're a mom- it's kinda what we do. However, I'd wait and see how it goes before you freak out entirely. They've been there for your DD and watched her grow and become the little girl she is today- unless they're total assholes they won't act any differently toward her.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

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dianeg1017 · August 2014

JRod13 said:
I can see why you would worry, you're a mom- it's kinda what we do. However, I'd wait and see how it goes before you freak out entirely. They've been there for your DD and watched her grow and become the little girl she is today- unless they're total assholes they won't act any differently toward her.

Slaps said:
I don't see how they would treat the girls any differently.
It's a valid fear to have, but I doubt it will happen.

What if I see a diff do I say something? I would hope this stays as just a fear in my head as they are all amazing grandparents but I'm super nervous about this situation. Thanks again.

JaymeeLH · August 2014

Having a MIL who is that total asshole, I see your fear. Not for my own LO, but for H's niece, who, for the last 8 years has been the only grandchild and the literal center of everyone's universe. She loves being the princess, but MIL cannot stand nieces father, and dotes on H. She's already being very different with me and my pregnancy than she was towards SIL during her pregnancy (showing more interest, actually bothering to ask how I'm feeling, ask for updates etc). I think the best thing you can do is reassure both of your daughters that they are LOVED by everyone in your family, and that they are equally important to you and H especially.

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JRod13 · August 2014

Well at first, when the new baby gets here, it might look like people are favoring her, but it's just because she's new and she's a baby. I'd give it a little time and see how things happen once the "newness" (for lack of a better word) wears off. But if after awhile you notice your DD being pushed to the side or looked over, then personally, yes, I would say something. It hurts to watch this kind of thing happen, especially when you know your child doesn't get why exactly it's happening. My mom heavily favors my sister's kids over my DS, primarily I assume because we have a rocky relationship, and it's had to be the topic of conversation several times. You'll know if/when it's happening and you need to bring it up. Good luck.

MaineMama · August 2014

I think you also have to be careful if you do see a difference. Evaluate the situation thoroughly before you say anything. Are they treating DD1 differently because she is older, and they expect better behavior from her? It can be hard to admit as a mother, but sometimes 5/6yos are assholes. My 6yos current campaign is for me to whiten my teeth and wear my hair down at all times. They are coming into a real sense of themselves with out knowledge of humility or tact and it can be super annoying. Babies love you and laugh at you and smile even if you look like you just climbed out of a dumpster. Babies also don't talk back or argue. So unless they suddenly start ignoring DD1 at holidays/birthdays and lavish on DD2 I'd take some difference in treatment with a grain of salt.

dianeg1017 · August 2014

@MaineMama you cracked me up!

Amandak2012 · August 2014

As a step mom of my H's DD I was really worried about my parents treating her different when we had our DD. (My H and I relationship really made my parents go crazy, but things really smoothed out after a little bit and they loved and spoiled her like crazy! They never treated her bad!) but once DD was here (like pp she was the baby and new) but now DD2 is 2 and once the "newness" wore off (after like 3 months because she was the first grand baby on my side) things went right back to normal and them spoiling both girls all time! Like pp said try not to think about it too much. It will make you go crazy and once the baby is here give it time to let the "newness" wear off. Once then if things don't go back to normal, I would maybe just mention to your hubby and see if he notices if he does then I would have him mention something to his parents so they don't think your being over protective. (he seems like a pretty good guy

and seems like he would treat the girls pretty fair!) but wait it out, most likely just worrying about something that will probably not be a problem!

Sorry for the book!

dianeg1017 · August 2014

Thanks Amanda good to hear from someone that has been in a similar situation.

allfalldown14 · August 2014

I was so worried my second girl wouldn't be as doted upon by her grandparents as my first, and at first I kind of felt that way, but now they spoil them equally. I wouldn't worry too much, it sounds like you have great in-laws compared to some!

Eliz77 · August 2014

I don't think you are wrong to worry about this, but I do hope your fears go unfounded. I think if you see a difference in how the grandparents treat their granddaughters, you should address it then. Chances are, if they will continue to treat DD as they do, and love the new one just as much.

My Uncle has a son from his wife's previous relationship (was almost 3 years old when they got married), he was the only father the child ever knew. They had another son together when the older son was 5 years old. My grandparents never favored one over the other. We have always considered the older one a cousin, and he was never treated any differently. In fact, some of the younger cousins, including his own brother, had no idea he was not biologically related for a long time.

I think you and DH set the tone, and everyone else will follow. Good luck!!

abcmom12 · August 2014

pre-empt all the worry and tell them this! wonderful people like you've described your IL's won't be offend and then it'll be in the back of their minds in case they start to go a little overboard in the adoration of baby.

mlee116 · August 2014

NandaB said:

It sounds like they are wonderful grandparents, so try not to worry. Don't borrow trouble, as the saying goes.

This. I can see why you might worry, but they haven't given you reason to do so. I agree with PP's, see how it goes, try not to worry and then if you notice a problem down the road, then I would definitely bring it up.

dianeg1017 · August 2014

Thanks for all the advice! I will play it by ear and do my best not to try to notice favoritism if it's not there. I hope it's just a fear that comes to be nothing.

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