s/o s/o marriage is hard

Louie4real · August 2014

I would like to add my divorced input, lol. I'm sorry in advance, but some of this might not come out right....

I so so so wish that I had someone to half-ass the dishes. To half-ass cleaning our house. To only have him get up "once in a while" with a screaming kid.

Because ladies, I will tell you...Its no easier on your own.

If I had a loaf of a husband around here, you'd bet your ass I would go to wherever he is in our messy home and throw my sweaty, beaten-down arms around him. Kiss him. Because, after all, he is THERE. He is choosing to be with you...because presumably, he loves you.

Listen, I know being a mom is the pits. Being a wife while being a mom is damn near impossible. I know we all want romance, but maybe sometimes it begins with us? Find out what makes your husband tick...a quick kiss in the hallway, a note on his car seat. Wouldn't it be awesome if he did the same?

Thoughts?

Louie4real · August 2014

It's just that sometimes, when I get a glass of wine in...er....really start thinking; I wonder if all the time that my XH wasn't giving me what I needed, I also wasn't giving him what he needed? What if this whole mess could've been avoided by kissing in the hallway?!

Its an alarming thought.

(P.s, I know my XH is an ass...this doesn't really apply to him. It would've been nice though.)

dizzycooks · August 2014

I agree that it's easy to over look the fact that half-assed whatever is still 100% more than I did at that moment. Sitting here alone this weekend and I can tell you, no one is half-assing anything for me. It's not getting done and I don't care, but I would be a total slob if I lived alone because I have ZERO desire to clean up anything.

Thanks for the reminder to appreciate what we've got @louie4real!

Louie4real · August 2014

Right, @Leftie22. Exactly. Baby steps.

Like, way back when...before all the mess, DH would've died himself dead if I would've grabbed his ass in the kitchen playfully. I thought it was a pain, so I never did. I promise to grab all the ass all of the times next time, lol

Louie4real · August 2014

CnAmom said:

But you know you're better off without him and none of those things would have changed who he is or how he treated you. You deserve so much better and you will find that with the right person who will appreciate and love you with or without the ass grabbing.

Oh right! In no way am I saying that ass grabbing will work miracles...oh lord no. Nor do I fancy another go with him. I basically just miss, well, ass.

vlagrl29 · August 2014

I can't even imagine being a single mom. DH's mom was divorced when he was 9 months old. I thank god every day I have DH to help around here. I do think effort does need to be made on both sides and it's important to know what makes your DH tick.

I have been married before and I was the only one working on trying to get it work. I just couldn't do it anymore so I got out. When we were separated and trying to date again, he told me that he was just too tired to "date" again, like I wasn't worth the effort. That really pissed me off. I look back though and I really learned a LOT of things from that marriage, like what I really wanted in someone.

thechickencoop · August 2014

Yup, I totally slack on the effort. We've been at a stalemate because of Hs anxiety issues - they've come to a head lately and I've just felt like we're roommates instead of spouses

Yelling and fighting and guilt tripping him has just resulted in more fighting so i know i need to change my approach to get him to get help. I've been working out and I think that has given me more confidence so I've been the one doing the ass grabbing, initiating sex, etc and I will say that those little efforts have come easier as the days go by

Cuz something's gotta give..*sigh*

Summed up - I'm hoping that by making more of an effort myself, he will reciprocate. Marriage actually takes a little bit of work; who knew?!

catycate · August 2014

I totally agree with a lot of the posters here. I get guilty and wonder how I'm going to fit in thinking about giving one more person extra attention. But I know, even half assign it, DH is doing the best he can and even though I do the day to day, obviously DH is also doing an equally important job (if not more) by supporting the family. In the end, we are like gears- if one stops, ain't nothing working. One of our problems is that when I do an ass grab or a kiss, he automatically thinks sex and then it becomes more of a chore. We've talked about it, so we're working on it.

zbeesma86 · August 2014

I didn't really understand working on your relationship until we had Z.

Our time was each others after work and on the weekends. When Z came along our attention all went to her-- especially in the newborn stage where she required every ounce of attention and when we weren't tending to her we were sleeping or washing bottles or cleaning or working!

But like everything- there is an adjustment period and it took us 4-6 months to find out groove and start to make time for one another in addition to our family and other obligations. The older she gets the more we have to adjust.

Just like babies, I believe every marriage is different. Somethings that work for one couple may not work for the next, and that's okay!

MomIn2013 · August 2014

I think you've really hit the nail on the head, and summed up exactly what I was thinking when I was reading a few posts where people were complaining about their husband's gross balled up socks. I was feeling like a total June Cleaver, but I was thinking "Really? So what? I actually enjoy getting DH's balled up socks (and the rest of his laundry) nice and clean and smelling fresh, and laying it nicely back in his drawer." Maybe a FFFC, but I enjoy taking care of my man in those little (and big) ways, and am thankful every day to be able to share my life with him. I don't think I've ever felt a negative thought about something as trivial as a balled-up sock, I value him and our relationship too much to "sweat the small stuff" like that.

Hollylb3 · August 2014

MomIn2013 said:
I think you've really hit the nail on the head, and summed up exactly what I was thinking when I was reading a few posts where people were complaining about their husband's gross balled up socks. I was feeling like a total June Cleaver, but I was thinking "Really? So what? I actually enjoy getting DH's balled up socks (and the rest of his laundry) nice and clean and smelling fresh, and laying it nicely back in his drawer." Maybe a FFFC, but I enjoy taking care of my man in those little (and big) ways, and am thankful every day to be able to share my life with him. I don't think I've ever felt a negative thought about something as trivial as a balled-up sock, I value him and our relationship too much to "sweat the small stuff" like that.

While I have sweated the small stuff like the myriad of balled up socks, it took some older ladies pointing out to me that those nasty socks (and the rest of his sweaty, disgusting laundry) mean he's out working his butt off for our family. I wish someone had pointed out that stuff seven years ago. I've wasted a lot of time griping internally about things that just aren't worth it.

vlagrl29 · August 2014

MomIn2013 said:

I think you've really hit the nail on the head, and summed up exactly what I was thinking when I was reading a few posts where people were complaining about their husband's gross balled up socks. I was feeling like a total June Cleaver, but I was thinking "Really? So what? I actually enjoy getting DH's balled up socks (and the rest of his laundry) nice and clean and smelling fresh, and laying it nicely back in his drawer." Maybe a FFFC, but I enjoy taking care of my man in those little (and big) ways, and am thankful every day to be able to share my life with him. I don't think I've ever felt a negative thought about something as trivial as a balled-up sock, I value him and our relationship too much to "sweat the small stuff" like that.

I do agree with you. DH has this habit of leaving his socks and pjs on the floor on his side of the bed every day. If I don't keep on top of it, there will be as much as 3 pairs of socks collected on the floor. That kind of stuff doesn't bother me, but I do enjoy keeping up with the house. I also know he won't clean it like I would.

bumpuser924057 · August 2014

I respect what you're saying here, and I don't think you're wrong, but man, this first year with 3 under 3 took absolutely everything I had to give, and I couldn't even meet the needs of all three kids or my own needs, let alone those of a fully functioning adult who should have been pitching in more. If someone had said this to me last fall I would have wanted to kick them in the face.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2014

Hollylb3 said:

I think you've really hit the nail on the head, and summed up exactly what I was thinking when I was reading a few posts where people were complaining about their husband's gross balled up socks. I was feeling like a total June Cleaver, but I was thinking "Really? So what? I actually enjoy getting DH's balled up socks (and the rest of his laundry) nice and clean and smelling fresh, and laying it nicely back in his drawer." Maybe a FFFC, but I enjoy taking care of my man in those little (and big) ways, and am thankful every day to be able to share my life with him. I don't think I've ever felt a negative thought about something as trivial as a balled-up sock, I value him and our relationship too much to "sweat the small stuff" like that.
While I have sweated the small stuff like the myriad of balled up socks, it took some older ladies pointing out to me that those nasty socks (and the rest of his sweaty, disgusting laundry) mean he's out working his butt off for our family. I wish someone had pointed out that stuff seven years ago. I've wasted a lot of time griping internally about things that just aren't worth it.

I get what you're saying here, but I think those socks can be symbolic of a man not carrying his weight around the house. I expect my spouse to contribute more to our household than just a paycheck.

Louie4real · August 2014

@MrsMuq‌
I actually am sorry...I didn't mean to discredit anyone's struggle. Lord knows I've been there. I think it's really important to talk about.

My main point was to be aware of the cycle of resentment, because at least for me, it seemed like I got on that train and couldn't get off of it.

It makes a difference whether that balled up sock is just a daily oversight or the surface of larger issues.

raraavis28 · August 2014

Love my husband....don't love his balled-up socks.
:-??

Hollylb3 · August 2014

I never said I picked up his socks. He generally does that himself. I said I have to unball them. He picks up after me every now and then. He, in no way, purposely discounts what I do around here.

thechickencoop · August 2014

MomIn2013 said:

I think you've really hit the nail on the head, and summed up exactly what I was thinking when I was reading a few posts where people were complaining about their husband's gross balled up socks. I was feeling like a total June Cleaver, but I was thinking "Really? So what? I actually enjoy getting DH's balled up socks (and the rest of his laundry) nice and clean and smelling fresh, and laying it nicely back in his drawer." Maybe a FFFC, but I enjoy taking care of my man in those little (and big) ways, and am thankful every day to be able to share my life with him. I don't think I've ever felt a negative thought about something as trivial as a balled-up sock, I value him and our relationship too much to "sweat the small stuff" like that.

I have a lot of negative thoughts about balled up socks.

I'm with others; if it's not in the laundry basket, it doesn't get washed. And if you're out of work clothes, tell me. H's work pants/shirts are in their own drawers that I only open to put away the clean stuff. If he takes the last pair out but doesn't say, hey, last pair, then guess what? I have no clue that he doesn't have clean ones. It took him a while to get in the habit, but I will not be bitched at that you don't have any clean clothes when I have no reason to check. Grrr. End rant.

vlagrl29 · August 2014

Kimbus22 said:

Hollylb3 said:

I think you've really hit the nail on the head, and summed up exactly what I was thinking when I was reading a few posts where people were complaining about their husband's gross balled up socks. I was feeling like a total June Cleaver, but I was thinking "Really? So what? I actually enjoy getting DH's balled up socks (and the rest of his laundry) nice and clean and smelling fresh, and laying it nicely back in his drawer." Maybe a FFFC, but I enjoy taking care of my man in those little (and big) ways, and am thankful every day to be able to share my life with him. I don't think I've ever felt a negative thought about something as trivial as a balled-up sock, I value him and our relationship too much to "sweat the small stuff" like that.
While I have sweated the small stuff like the myriad of balled up socks, it took some older ladies pointing out to me that those nasty socks (and the rest of his sweaty, disgusting laundry) mean he's out working his butt off for our family. I wish someone had pointed out that stuff seven years ago. I've wasted a lot of time griping internally about things that just aren't worth it.

I'm trying to not be annoyed by this but I am. And I'm someone who does enjoy taking care of my family with clean laundry and cooking and all that. But fuck DH if he thinks he doesn't have to at least unball his socks and put them in the hamper. It's not trivial. It's taking for granted that you can be a slob and your W will fix it for you with a smile on her face. Uh uh. Nope. I won't ask him to do the laundry but he can damn well appreciate the fact that it always shows up magically clean in his closet when he needs it by putting it in the damned hamper.

Am I allowed to feel this way since I work FT to feed the family too?

Sorry. That's bitchy I guess. This whole attitude rubs me the wrong way. Just because I love him and value him doesn't mean I'm his slave.

Yes you totally are!! I work part time and am home with DD every day. There are times I feel I just can't get it all done. Today DH helped me re-organize DD's room because it was driving me nuts and I felt overwhelmed by it all. I have learned when I need to ask for help. Before, I would try to do it all and work too.

Louie4real · August 2014

3peat said:
Interesting perspective! I was raised by a single mom, and based on that experience I waited (for what felt like a looong time) to have kids until 5 years into the marriage. I wanted to make sure that we were going to make it. Marriage IS hard yall! It can feel like MORE work because you are taking care of the kids and him. Not to mention sometimes husbands undo the good effort you put into parenting, or cleaning etc. I agree that it would not be as good without him. #1 DS is in love with his daddy and needs to spend time with him daily. #2 I could never be a SAHM if DH wasn't working his butt off to provide for us. #3 Despite the many challenges it feels good to be a whole family unit- especially on the good days like hanging out at the pool or taking an evening stroll with the dogs all together. I think general unhappiness is what prayer and counseling is for. I wouldn't divorce unless there was cheating, abuse or addiction.

Do you realize pretty much everything you just said is offensive? I bet it feels good to be a "whole family unit". What a douchbag thing to say.

Louie4real · August 2014

amy052006 said:

Louie4real said:

3peat said:
Interesting perspective! I was raised by a single mom, and based on that experience I waited (for what felt like a looong time) to have kids until 5 years into the marriage. I wanted to make sure that we were going to make it. Marriage IS hard yall! It can feel like MORE work because you are taking care of the kids and him. Not to mention sometimes husbands undo the good effort you put into parenting, or cleaning etc. I agree that it would not be as good without him. #1 DS is in love with his daddy and needs to spend time with him daily. #2 I could never be a SAHM if DH wasn't working his butt off to provide for us. #3 Despite the many challenges it feels good to be a whole family unit- especially on the good days like hanging out at the pool or taking an evening stroll with the dogs all together. I think general unhappiness is what prayer and counseling is for. I wouldn't divorce unless there was cheating, abuse or addiction.
Do you realize pretty much everything you just said is offensive? I bet it feels good to be a "whole family unit". What a douchbag thing to say.

That entire person is like the big giant rationalization of a woman with no options.

Who I hope comes back to explain herself for crying out loud.

dizzycooks · August 2014

Usm123 said:
Doesn't she like to drop this advice a lot?

I feel like her name is familiar.

rosesandpetals · August 2014

I don't know that the occasional evening stroll with the dogs would be enough to keep me in an unhappy marriage. Wtf?

Twiggymommy · August 2014

I've only read a few responses so I hope no one jumps down my throat when I say this.

I guess I'm super lucky. My so works, and still helps out around the house and with the kids. We're both neat pretty much neat freaks though..

Except when it comes to making beds.. Because fuck that

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