Am I an Enabler?

purtz · August 2014

I fear I am making my DS dependent on me to fall asleep. During the day, he usually falls asleep in my arms and then I put him down (sometimes successfully, sometimes after a second try!) He sleeps primarily in the swing or car seat. At night, he falls asleep after nursing and I gently lay him down on his crib and pray he stays asleep. Note, he is always swaddled.

Do I need to start putting him down awake so he can learn to fall asleep on his own? He is 10 weeks old.

I have to imagine most moms do what I do?

nunzchucks · August 2014

amberatkins8 said:
All the pediatricians I've read about say you can't spoil them (aka make them dependent on falling asleep on you) until the baby is 3-4 months old. Your LO is still in the fourth trimester and is used to being a part of you. Enjoy snuggles!

Yup, this! The sleep training book we used for DD said no sleep training until 4 mo and 14 lbs. I loooove nursing DS to sleep at night.

flerlgirl · August 2014

BrightEyes112 said:
Question though, it may be ok right now but when do you start making the changes so that at 4 months you aren't doing it any more?

It really depends on the baby (which I know is not helpful). You'll be able to see when they are ready for a little more independence and routine. Some babies do it at four months, or eight months, or twelve. DS is really independent and always has been. DD is a stage five clinger and I bet she will take longer to become less clingy.

nunzchucks · August 2014

BrightEyes112 said:
Question though, it may be ok right now but when do you start making the changes so that at 4 months you aren't doing it any more?

We went cold turkey on DD and probably will for DS. She was ready for it, tho. We were rocking her to sleep for an hour and praying she wouldn't wake up. It was horrible.

curlylocks3 · August 2014

Our pediatrician said 4 months was the earliest for sleep training. For that he said no swaddling. Otherwise his recommendation was to start a routine just so they start to learn that said routine means sleep soon.

purtz · August 2014

DD was so easy; we just swaddled her and put her down in her crib and she would go to sleep. DS is very different and I do really love snuggling! Nice to know I can enjoy it for a few more weeks. So phase out the sleep aides slowly?

MollySm · August 2014

I have found it easiest to start as many things now as possible, rather than waiting and then expecting baby to make a big change at 4 months or 6 months or whatever. So with our first and now with this one, we try to do things similarly to how we plan on continuing them. Of course she's still a newborn, so it's not exact, but we try to get her as used to things as we can.

At night we put her down (in her cosleeper next to our bed) drowsy but awake, and not right after eating. During the day we do our best to not let her stay asleep after eating (sometimes she dozes but we wake her up to finish and then she's usually happy to do some awake time if we're making eye contact and talking her her). Sometimes during the day she falls asleep in my arms, but I try to at least try to put her down awake one or 2 times per day.

For me it feels right to help her get used to things now, rather than to change things on her later.

We haven't started the full on bedtime routine (pjs, two books, bed), but we will start it sooner rather than later.

Starting early worked great with our first daughter, and so far it's going well with this one too. She's great at falling asleep at night on her own. During the day it's more hit or miss, but I feel good about helping her to practice, and I can always cuddle her to sleep when needed.

kassidybl · August 2014

DS goes down for his first 3/4 hours stretch at 9pm after a shower so DH and I can eat and have alone time. After that, babe comes into bed with me for the night after getting into his ON diaper set up, feed to sleep, then cuddles till I'm down.

During the day, naps are started by nursing to sleep then going into the swaddle (thank god for my Zen Swaddler). Babe will occasionally decide he must have his arms out, so we'll get called in to release them and within 2 minutes he's out cold again.

But night times, must be with mom for the long haul. Then again, we nurse in bed too...makes it easy and most of the time he just latches on when I'm not really aware of it.

irenewslee · August 2014

I am a FTM so i am no expert here. My pedi has always recommended us to start a routine early. We may not be able to stick to it every night, but it's good to have one so once she is ready for it, she can jump right in. We try to let her sleep on her own without holding her or nursing her to sleep, but it only works less than half of the time. Sleeping on her own in her crib is nearly impossible but the paci helps. I think the main reason why we want to sleep train her is so that our arms and back can have a break. I also want her to sleep on her own before she gets too heavy to be held for an extended period of time.

lest12 · August 2014

As a FTM with no real idea of what I'm doing, I think the baby will 'let you know' when he's ready like PP said. DS was about 6 weeks when I realized that my holding him, nursing him to sleep, etc were keeping him awake more than anything sometimes. So I've been trying to put him down before he's fillly asleep more and more... even though I would rather snuggle him myself.

I have been putting him down and letting him chill in his crib/rnp/swing while he's awake more often, too. It used to make him scream but it moved to tolerable, and now I think he enjoys it. He lays there and coos and I'll play with his toys with him. It's pretty cute.

I also had to try to wean the comfort nursing. I had no problem doing it the first month or so, but I wanted to break the habit and had to pay real attention to when he was hungry and when a paci was better. This was also because he overate and should get sick.

I would play around... see what/where/how the baby likes or will stand being put down and start there.

I'm also learning nothing is a linear line as far as baby's development so patience has been huge.

MrsCase1 · August 2014

I'm really heartsick over this issue. I never had problems with Lincoln and when it was appropriate for him (about 9.5 months) we sleep trained him with CIO. Took two nights. He is an awesome sleeper.

Peaches is NOT an awesome sleeper. Some days she sleeps all day, other days, like yesterday, she sleeps only for an hour or two during the day and is miserable. Bedtime had been taking three freaking hours and our nerves are fried. My pedi suggested we do CIO but I feel at 2 months she is simply too young. I feel like when she cries it is because she has a need and at this age, the desire for cuddling is a legitimate need.

Last night we did a modified version of CIO. I nursed her to sleep and put her in her bed. When I did she automatically started to fuss so I pat her belly. Didn't work so I picked her up and we nursed some more. I put her down and she was quiet for 3 minutes. We did a happy dance thinking we were in the clear.

Yeah right.

Yelling ensued. (Her part, not ours.) I decided to let her cry for 5 minutes. When I went in there and picked her up, her cry changed to a "Thank goodness you're here, I thought you forgot about me!" cry. It broke my heart. She collapsed her whole little body into me in relief. So I cuddled and loved her back to sleep. Placed her in the bed again. 5 minutes of quiet followed by her irritated cry. I could tell the cry was not of sadness or fear and this time she was just pissed so I told my husband we would wait 5 minutes. Sure enough she only argued for 3 minutes before zonking out. When she wakes during the night I get up to nurse her when I hear her stir, I don't even wait for a full-fledged cry. I always try to meet her needs immediately so I hope that can go towards her building trust and security with me if we have to do this little 5 minute charade for a few nights. I told me pedi I don't want to raise a serial killer that was deprived of affection.

The thought of her spending too many sleep hours in the swing makes me uncomfortable so I had to do something because she is NOT sleeping well at all.

mysavinggrace · August 2014

Any ideas on what to do when i lay my lo down and she cries even if she's asleep she will wake up after 10 mins and cry and i can't stand to let her cry.

mysavinggrace · August 2014

O even if she is swaddled.

amackattack · August 2014

For what it's worth I always try to put my lo down for naps when she is awake. Sometimes she will fuss and I pick her up and reassure her and put in her pacifier and put her back down and continue to do so until she falls asleep. If she gets into a full on upset cry I will comfort nurse her and start again. I try to only put her down after she had had plenty of play time and is seeming tired and don't swaddle her during the day. Most of the time she sucks her pacifier until she falls asleep. At night we have a routine and we put her to sleep with a bottle or nurse her to sleep. Sometimes she is still awake when we put her down but generally she is super drowsy. She is 8 weeks and sleeping 6.5-7.5 hours, waking up for a short feed and going back down for another 3-4. She wasn't always good at falling asleep on her own but we have been working on it and she had gotten much better. We try to use baby wise which I know can be controversial. Her being able to nap alone is a big thing for me since she will be going to daycare. Also I noticed sometimes I used to jump the gun in picking her up when she makes noise. Often she will fall back asleep. Every baby is different but I don't think it would hurt to try starting a few new sleep habits to see how lo does.

amackattack · August 2014

jmar2011 said:
I was curious of this, too! We don't really "train" P, but kinda do...
In the morning after his 9am feed I remove his swaddle sack and let him wake up and move around and let him cat nap on and off as he pleases. He doesn't fall into a deep sleep, just rests his eyes and opens them every few minutes when he cat naps.
Then at night after his 9pm feeding I put him back into his swaddle sack and he falls into a deep sleep. Then we wake him for diaper chamges/feedings at 12, 3, 6, and 9am we do it all over again. He falls instantly back to sleep after his feedings and such as long as we wrap him back up

I am just curious. ...why do you wake LO during the night every 3 hours? I don't know how many weeks your baby is but I was told after 4 weeks let them wake up naturally through the night and use their number of weeks as a rule of thumb for how many hours to wake them at. Of course more feedings can't hurt and it sounds like baby is doing great but I was just curious if there's a reason.

nunzchucks · August 2014

@Lcgroenewe‌ P has health issues. The 3 hrs is likely doctor recommended. (Not trying to speak for @jmar2011‌, just not sure if she will come back to this thread)

Abenedict2011 · August 2014

@MrsCase1‌ it sounds like you and your husband are doing wonderfully! You seem to be finding a slow way of phasing in her crib and I don't think letting her fuss for 5 minutes of support before picking her up is CIO-- Just wanted to offer support and encouragement!

purtz · August 2014

Hi, I'm back. DS is now 12 weeks and I've pretty much confirmed I'm screwed. I've tried a handful of times over the last few days to put DS down drowsy but not asleep in his crib or even in the swing. He either falls asleep for a few minutes and wakes back up. Or he won't settle down at all. We practice the 90 minute sleep program religiously and it works, so I know my timing is right. He is just totally dependent on me. Freaking out about how to 'break'/change these habits. He clearly is enabled.

Want a personalized experience?

Am I an Enabler?

Re: Am I an Enabler?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards