Intro and hopefully little help from yall

Twiggymommy · July 2014

Hey everyone! I'm not really new here I've been lurking for a while and was pretty active in other areas in my first trimester
I'm a mom of 2 (a three year old who's not bio but I've been mommy since he was 6 months old and a 5 week old)

For financial reasons me and the boys are staying with my grandma while my so is working on getting our new house "baby ready". We've been here since ds2 was 5 days old and from day one my grandmother has been pushing her parenting style on me. It's really starting to bug me.

Some of the things that especially get me:
we have been cosleeping with Ds1 from day one (I feel this is especially important with him since he has obvious abandon issues) and now the 3 of us all Co sleep (I have a bed attachment thing for the baby and me and ds1 sleep in the bed) and not only dose she insist that I should put ds1 to sleep by laying him down by himself but also consistently asks when I'm going to start letting the baby cry it out so I can get some sleep.

I wear the baby most of the day because he likes to be close to me and it's much easier running after a toddler when i have 2 hands to do so. She insists that I'm going to "spoil him" and he will always expect to be held constanly.

When iI do have the baby down for floor time so the 2 kids can "play together" if he starts getting a little fussy I pick him up and calm him down so he doesn't get too upset she tells me that crying is "good for his lungs"

And probably the one that gets me the most is feeding them. I feed my kids on demand. If ds2 is hungry, rooting, sucking on his fingers, he gets fed. I don't watch the clock and make him wait. And with ds2 if he wants something to eat, I'll give him a few choices and he'll get to eat. She insists that not only do I need to put my 5week old on a schedule, but that my 3year old shouldn't be eating so much. That my 3 year old should only be fed at "meal times".

I know she means we'll but I feel like I'm doing what's best for my boys and i don't know how to tell her to but out with out hurting her feelings. Any suggestions?

Sorry for the long post..... I guess I needed to Rant a bit too lol

evahankins · July 2014

Hey! First of all you should be proud of yourself for putting up with these comments for weeks and not exploding! I found what works with my inlaws is a response that presents us in a united front and closed the door to further discussion. Ie- I appreciate your concern, but my husband/dr/and I have already determined this parenting style best meets our child's needs. Do not engage in debate. It would be even better if your husband could confront his mom and encourage her to really embrace role of supportive grandma (vs corrective/critical). Main point is you surviving this brief living experience without going crazy. Do not question yourself, you sound like an awesome mom who responds lovingly to her kids!

flcl · July 2014

Despite the constant comments, you seem to be doing a great job of holding your own and parenting your kids the way you want. That's awesome. While your grandma may mean well, her ideas are so old-fashioned. I remember when I brought LO home, my parents warned me about holding him too much. I told them that the doctor instructed me to and that stopped them from making that comment. Maybe just thanking your grandma and letting her know what you're doing is working for you guys is enough? I'm not sure if educating her on how parenting has changed will do much good but that's another approach. Hang in there, hopefully you're house will be done soon!

Twiggymommy · July 2014

Thanks ladies! Typically I kinda just brush her comments off then start a conversation with ds1 hoping she'll either get the hint or, leave it be for a while because I'm "busy"

But like I said it's really starting to bug me. And she tends to be overly sensitive, like we spent a week in a motel closer to the house so we could spend more time with daddy, we didn't end up getting back to my grandma's house until almost 10 and all I heard for the next week and a half was how she was so worried and was crying. I love her but I am almost at my breaking point with these comments! Lol

ellenrunyon · July 2014

We parent the same way you do, and everyone thinks we crazy, but we don't really care. Our baby is insanely happy and so are we. We chose to have a baby b/c we really wanted one, and we enjoy being with her, day and night. I just don't think older folks really understand how our generation does thinks intentionally and that we don't feel any pressure to conform, esp in the way we parent.

It seems like she's projecting the martyrdom of motherhood on you (maybe this was her own experience) and simply can't understand how you can be so happy w you current situ.

Twiggymommy · July 2014

Thank you all for the encouragement! Luckily next week we will be in our new house and I won't have to deal with her on a day to day basis lol I'm just so excited to start decorating now lol.

And completely off topic but apparently so built a surprise play house for ds1in the yard ... I can't wait to see his face lol

wochoa22 · August 2014

We are parenting the same way. Our ds is a month today and I also feed on demand. How can he understand at this age that he has to wait to eat, that's crazy. Our 2.5 ds has coslept with us his whole life and our newborn is also cosleeping. I really can't stand when people try to tell me what's best for MY children. You do what works for YOUR family. Enjoy them because one day they will outgrow this stage.

neverblushed · August 2014

Well, I think you have two ways you could handle it:

1) Basically keep ignoring it and remember that she had her chance to parent in whatever way she chose, and this is your chance. You're the boss mom here, not grandma! You may even be able to gently say something to her along these lines and remind her that every parent has the right and the responsibility to do things their own way. Caregiving is very emotional, you're her granddaughter, and she's just trying to take care of you and help you take care of your children in the way she thinks is best.

2) Try to talk to her about how things have changed since she had her babies. Explain that lots of studies have been done that show that babies don't need to cry to "improve their lungs." You can fall back on science that says it's much better for toddlers to eat 5 or 6 small meals a day than the 3 big meals that are typical for adults.

If she's the old-fashioned type who doesn't set much store by science or by "experts," I'd just stick with #1.

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