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Working Moms
asws1208
member
NWMR: INLAWS
asws1208
member
in Working Moms
I love my inlaws.. I really do. But they are just different than my parents in a lot of ways and in a lot of ways that I don't agree with. Nothing BAD.. just parenting decisions/life decisions/discipline/etc.. I am having a really hard time coming to grips with the fact DS will eventually have to spend the night/weekend with them. He has already stayed with my parents multiple times and I know that it is getting under MILs skin that they have not had him yet. Their house is just very rowdy and loud and so opposite from how I grew up and how I plan on raising DS... Hubby agrees thank goodness. Anyone have any tips?! We have tried to gently hint about how things are and how we expect them to be when he is there.. But things haven't changed. We have two overnight trips planned soon and I know they are going to wonder why DS isn't staying with them..?!
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Re: NWMR: INLAWS
I'll be in the minority and say that I think if you don't want your IL's to watch your LO, that is totally up to you. I would never let someone watch my LO that I wasn't comfortable with just because that person might feel bad. I recognize it's LO's grandparents but still, I think as mom you get a say. My DS is 2 and neither set of grandparents has watched him overnight before (of course DH and I have never both been away overnight at the same time but part of that is because I'm not comfortable with DS not being with at least one of us). I know that my parents desperately want to watch him overnight but I'm just honestly not comfortable with it yet, and I'm not going to go outside my own comfort zone just so that they can watch him overnight, you know?
FWIW, I think you should get used to your LO being around other kids if you ever plan on having any more kids. My DD is constantly getting kissed, hugged, accidentally bopped in the head, stepped on, etc. by DS. And a) she's fine, and b) there's nothing I can really do about that with an infant and a 2 year old both living in the same house, so I have to get used to it. So I don't know that if that's your ONLY reason for not wanting your IL's to watch LO, that it's the most valid reason, but that being said, again, it's up to you 100%. I really don't have any reason for neither set of grandparents watching DS overnight other than that I just don't feel totally comfortable with it and that he's at that age where he's just really particular about his routine. The other night DH and I tried to switch off since I was able to get DD down early, and DS was not having it with me trying to get him down for the night. Are those the best reasons in the world, of course not, but there will be PLENTY of time for DS to have a sleepover with grandma and grandpa and I'm not overly concerned about doing it now when neither I nor DS are probably totally on board with it.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
FWIW, I know that there are things that my parents do that drive DH crazy. I think it's easier to ignore your own parents quirks because you've grown up with them and are used to it.
that bond and relationship. It's hard to not be uptight and micromanage, but I've found things go much better when I loosen up and pick my battles.
I haven't done any overnights with my kids in someone else's care at all. I can see doing it in the future but we just haven't done it, so I know this puts me in different shoes than most of the posters. However, in my mind you aren't preventing the relationship with them, you are talking about overnights, which is a different thing than going and hanging out, asking them to babysit for a few hours etc.
It's my personal opinion that overnights are not necessary to a relationship with your grandparents.
Also, I don't think grandparents or other family members for that matter have to be even in overnight visits just b/c they want to be. I think that deciding what you are comfortable with and what you aren't is your and your H's prerogative.
The way I would personally handle it is to not bring up the subject of overnight trips and not bring up the subject of where your kid is staying when you go overnight.
If your ILs bring it up, I'd probably just tell them that you'll keep them in mind next time and then do whatever you want when the time comes. Basically, I'd just avoid avoid avoid telling them anything definitive. And maybe when your LO is older you'll feel differently, and certainly the 20 year old won't be living there forever with her kids. I just don't see that any good will come from being less passive aggressive than that.
ETA: holy run on sentence! Corrected for some grammar.
First, while I give my parents some leeway because "they are the grandparents", I DO feel there is a line between letting them spoil your child a little and then out and out disregarding your rules. I do NOT feel that grandparents should just be given free reign to do whatever they want with your child.
And I hate the argument of "they raised your DH!". My ILs did a great job raising DH, but they aren't the same people that they were 40 years ago! On many levels.
If you aren't comfortable, then you aren't comfortable. There is absolutely no rule that because your LO spends the night w/ your parents means you HAVE to let him spend the night w/ your ILs. Perhaps some of your reasons are a bit nit-picky, but in the end, this is YOUR child and if you AND your DH don't want to let LO spend the night then you don't have to.
I tried to convince myself for a while to let MIL babysit for just a few hours, but just couldn't do it. The reason was some safety issues that took place with my niece when she was caring for her. And MIL didn't see any of it as wrong (just one example, taking the baby out of the car seat on the highway because she had to burp. Didn't pull over, just had her BF keep driving on 95 while she burped my niece. This happened more than once and is just one of many examples.).
Anyways, I digress. My point is, I thought it was silly I was trying to "convince" myself to let her babysit. I am LO's advocate and will do what I think is best for her and our family, and stressing myself out about trying to please others just didnt make any sense. I am just normally pretty vague anytime my MIL brings baby sitting up and never really tell her when we go anywhere. This works for us because we are not very close
I don't leave my LO with my in-laws overnight. I don't trust their judgement or their ability to stay focused on her. They also don't respect my feeding choices and she has come home from their place with diarrhea numerous times.
I also don't let them drive her around. My MIL has actually Skyped with us on her while driving. As in holding the wheel, driving down the road, and Skyping on her phone in her other hand.
I also hate the arguement, "They raised your husband." My husband is 28 years old. He hasn't lived with them in 10 years. Sheeet.... I had to undo a lot of that " great parenting" anyway once he got to me hehe.
I did! Once I realized what she was doing I told her that we were getting off Skype and that she could either call back once she arrived at her destination or pulled over. She has attempted this multiple times. She says, "She didn't want to miss out on the chance to see DD."
Sorry crazy... I don't want my DD to witness you get into an accident.
I cringe whenever I send my daughter for an overnight at MIL's, but I do it because they love each other and I love a night of free baby-sitting. MIL keeps her up 3 hours past her bedtime, feeds her off schedule, has a tiny apartment filled to the brim with crap (she could be on an episode of Hoarders), and she just basically drives me bonkers. DD is a disaster for days afterwards. But I still send her.
I know that MIL will not let any true harm come to "her baby girl." There may be a bump or bruise, and her sleep schedule is going to get off, but no permanent damage is being done. Rather, DD is developing a relationship with her grandma and that's more important to me.
And I say that my husband is who he is DESPITE being raised by his mother. His brother is a hot mess.
I agree with this. While he's a baby, it's fine. When he gets older, do not limit his time with his grandparents. A toddler could easily handle that fun, exciting environment.
What I try to remember is that spending time with grandparents is an enriching experience for my DD. And that as hard as I try to be a 100% parent, I know that this isn't possible, that I don't know everything, and that I can't control everything. The love that DD has for her grandparents is magical, and I don't want my irrational fears or need to control things to get in the way of that.
I read on these boards once to pick the top 3 things that are most important to me. These are the 3 rules I ask of my ILs when they watch DD. Everything else I leave up to them.
Sometimes all I have to do is offer a simple explanation and it gets MIL on board. When DD spent the night, MIL specially made up the twin bed...so sweet...but I had to tell her that DD still rolls off her bed which is why she is still on a mattress at home. MIL moved her to a lower position. What I didn't do was direct MIL or insist, rather I gave her a logical explanation and let MIL reach her own decision once she had the facts in hand.
At the same overnight visit, I offered to loan MIL our baby gate; MIL declined. I reminded her that DD does tend to roam around and get in to things if she wakes in the middle of the night. I knew that not only would MIL not want DD to get hurt, she also wouldn't want DD to destroy any of MIL's things. MIL told me the next morning they ended up putting up the baby gate. Even though it turned out that DD slept through the night she was glad she had it.
What were my three rules...? Give DD her medicine as I prescribe, no alcohol tastings (its a cultural thing), bedtime at 7:15. MIL told me their plan for the evening and it sounded great to me. We're pretty lucky in that we have good two-way communication.