Calling all STM's

cshade07 · August 2014

Sorry if there is a thread for this already (I did search from mobile & didn't find anything) but I'm curious from all of you STM's (& more) if you had to give us first time moms one piece of advice from your own experience - what would it be?

mickeydoo · August 2014

Don't be afraid to ask for help with anything from anyone! I felt like I had to be able to handle everything and I just couldn't. I was grateful when I had DS for help from my grandmother and aunt with some housework and my parents with giving DH and me nap breaks.

Justabean3 · August 2014

Things don't just "come" to you, ask if you don't know.

MrMrsandBaby · August 2014

Learn about local buy/sell/trade groups. Go to resale or consignment shops. Learn to love second hand because baby clothes are expensive and they grow out of them so fast!

Also, when Carter's has a 40% off sale don't go nuts. They do it all the time. Now, if Gap has one....go nuts!

ETA: because it always comes up...don't ask what stores run "true to size" because your kid may not. Not all 3 month olds wear 3 month clothes. And it is ok.

Can you tell I've been going through clothes!

Klavanga74 · August 2014

Oh, there's so much...I guess with 12 years behind me is say don't sweat the small stuff. Your baby/child will sit up, crawl, walk, read, etc when they are ready. Try not to compare yourself to others or other's kids, it'll just stress you out.

Roseypants · August 2014

Don't fight with your SO about small things. You will be EXHAUSTED at the end of the day, but you just have to let some things go and appreciate the help you do get.

cozybluebear · August 2014

Don't let anyone tell you that you are holding your baby too much. They eventually won't want to be held and cuddled anymore so take full advantage of it. My favorite moments with my son were in the evening after his bath... cuddled up on the recliner. He's 18 months now and those moments are rare!

Another thing is patience! My son was colic and screamed in pain all night, every night for 4 months straight. It was pure he'll but I learned to just walk away for a minute to collect myself. I still do it when need be.

mlhw NH · August 2014

It's ok not to get things right the 1st time!! Ask for help from those u trust. Ignore the less than helpful people

SusieBW · August 2014

I haven't read the other responses, but my advice is to trust your instincts and don't stress about details and small stuff. Try and focus more on balance - just because LO didn't sleep well or eat well on a given day, it'll more than likely balance out on another day. Don't stress. A relaxed and calm mommy results in a relaxed and calm baby.

Babies are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Don't compare your baby to anyone else. S/he is an individual and will do things his/her own way and in his/her own time. Trust your instincts and trust your pediatrician.

jenndub · August 2014

Don't feel like a bad mom if you don't feel a strong connection to the baby right away. DD1 was in the NICU for a week and I didn't feel that instant bond people talk about. It made me feel like the worst mom. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything. Don't stress if it isn't instantaneous.

MrMrsandBaby · August 2014

Sorry, one more...when you cut baby fingernails for the first time it is terrifying. But you will get through it!

white714 · August 2014

Sleep! I am trying to sleep as much as I can now cause you'll really miss it! I was very anxious during the last couple months of my first pregnancy and couldn't sleep so this time I am resting as much as possible. DS is finally sleeping through the night for the last couple weeks!

megaroo64 · August 2014

I couldn't agree with @jenndub more! There is a picture of my mom holding B right after he was born and she looks so in love with him.... I am in the background of the picture... on my phone. I felt completely detached when B was first born and I felt like a horrible mother because I just didn't feel any connection at all. It came- but it wasn't instant, and I wish someone would have told me it was like that some times.

Oh - and if you make a plan - your baby will laugh at you. Don't get married to any idea of what you definitely will do or definitely won't do. Flexibility is your friend.

JessAnnJ · August 2014

If you try breastfeeding and it doesn't work the way you planned don't be too hard on yourself. You are not a failure or a terrible mother.

Love your partner and find time for him (or her). He was there before baby and will be there after baby. Being a mom doesn't mean you stop being a wife or SO.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to admit when you are overwhelmed. It's okay to ask for help. You do not have to be perfect.

Edited to delete unfinished partial thought with autocorrect fails.

Starfish17 · August 2014

With my first, I found it helpful to set one goal for the day in the beginning - something simple that I could accomplish so that I didn't feel so overwhelmed. I remember that in the beginning, the days would fly by and I felt like I never got anything accomplished besides sitting on the couch and feeding the baby. So I would set a goal like "shower before noon" or "take baby for a walk." Then, I felt much better at the end of the day, and it also helped me learn how to get something done while also taking care of the baby.

I also didn't really "sleep when the baby sleeps" during the day. I found that I needed that time to do something for myself more than I needed an hour of sleep - shower, read a book, do the dishes, etc. As long as you are taking care of yourself, do what you need to do!

MsMacual · August 2014

My biggest pieces of advice are:

Trust your instincts- if your mommy gut says something follow what it is saying (and keep asking for answers until you get them- even if it means seeing or talking to several people before you figure it out!)
Never say never- we are doing many things that before kids I thought I'd never do. You need to do what works best for YOUR family- no matter how unconventional it sounds.
Other parents come off as judgemental about everything- just be prepared to confidently state what you are doing and don't feel like you ever have to explain your approach to someone else. This is your child not theirs!
Breastfeeding is super amazing, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done. It is a marathon not a sprint and at times will be a tres and feels natural (6-8 weeks is a common time for mom's to say that everything fell into place). Never make the decision to quit in the middle of the night- go back to sleep and think about it in the morning when you are a little more awake and rational. Finally, get to know the resources in your community before you give birth- they will be your best allies, but it helps to know who they are and how to contact them. Don't be afraid to call your LLL leader and lactation consultant every day if needed.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

I don't actually agree with the whole 'sleep when baby sleeps' thing. I mean, it is awesome to get a nap in, but life around you doesn't stop just because baby is asleep. I relished the moments when DD would fall asleep in her swing or something so I could do dishes, laundry, cook, etc. I know it sucks, but sleep is a rare commodity the first couple of months with a newborn, but you still need to wash your ass, have clean clothes and be able to eat.

Roseypants · August 2014

pnwlover12 said:

I don't actually agree with the whole 'sleep when baby sleeps' thing. I mean, it is awesome to get a nap in, but life around you doesn't stop just because baby is asleep. I relished the moments when DD would fall asleep in her swing or something so I could do dishes, laundry, cook, etc. I know it sucks, but sleep is a rare commodity the first couple of months with a newborn, but you still need to wash your ass, have clean clothes and be able to eat.

I'm going to agree with this. I have to go back to work after 6-8 weeks. I tried to keep a very normal schedule with DD so I could get used to my schedule of going back to work. Sleeping all day long and up all night would have killed me!

DanielleB27 · August 2014

Lots of PP have given awesome advice. One more to add: When the baby is crying and you have tried everything, it is OK to set them down (somewhere safe, in a crib) and walk away for a minute, or hand them off to someone else and walk away. I felt like the worst mom ever when I couldn't get my baby to stop crying and had to hand her to DH. He did a lot better with her crying than I did. Sometimes babies will cry, and there is nothing you can do. It's ok.

jmw222 · August 2014

Klavanga74 said:

Oh, there's so much...I guess with 12 years behind me is say don't sweat the small stuff. Your baby/child will sit up, crawl, walk, read, etc when they are ready. Try not to compare yourself to others or other's kids, it'll just stress you out.

This times 10000

pepperpotts317 · August 2014

Trust your instincts. No one knows your baby better than you. There has been a few times in my son's life where I let other people tell me what was best and they were so, so wrong and I regret ever listening to them.

Take advice into account, but then do what you think it right for your family.

persephonerose · August 2014

Allow your husband/partner to do things their way. It will be hard to be hands off, it might down right suck, but your husband needs to figure out how to take care of the baby just as much as you do.

Read up on signs of PPD/PPA before hand. Your doctor will ask typical questions for the most common symptoms. However, you might not experience PPD in the typical way. I didn't and I did not even know it until almost a year after giving birth. I hate that myself and DH struggled with all the rage I had directed towards him when I could have gotten help.

Emerald27 · August 2014

Follow your heart and your instincts. YOU are your baby's mother. YOU know LO better than anyone else. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Doesn't matter what grand authority gave you the advice.

ss265 · August 2014

The first week when you have a newborn is the hardest. You are dealing with breastfeeding, nighttime wake ups, soothing a crying baby etc. Don't be afraid to ask for help and it's ok if you have to hand your baby to someone else to comfort because you just can't handle his/her crying anymore. Call a friend who has kids if you need someone to talk to - I called a friend in tears on day 3 or 4 because I just needed to talk to someone who had been through it and could reassure me that it gets better.

Breastfeeding is super hard but it should get easier. And if all else fails, formula is not poison.

And try and get out of the house at least once a day. Things like going to the grocery store with DS made me feel better because they were "normal" activities I used to do pre-baby. Even going for a walk around the neighborhood helps because you will get less cabin fever.

italiangal1033 · August 2014

Until they can clearly articulate what's wrong and/or what they need YOU are your child's advocate. I spent years trying to figure out my daughters food sensitivities. I even had to switch pediatricians, and thank goodness I did! If you think that something isn't right with your baby, then you are probably right.

11kacey · August 2014

persephonerose said:

Read up on signs of PPD/PPA before hand. Your doctor will ask typical questions for the most common symptoms. However, you might not experience PPD in the typical way. I didn't and I did not even know it until almost a year after giving birth. I hate that myself and DH struggled with all the rage I had directed towards him when I could have gotten help.

This!! And have your partner and close friends/family read up too. I had a family member call and check on me every day in a very helpful way, but truly she was feeling me out and seeing how I was doing.

And, at some point over the first year, you might think your partner is the worst person in the world, you might even consider getting a divorce in the first year (well, not REALLY consider it, but think about it) b/c they just don't get what YOU need and they want YOU, the baby wants and needs you, but it's just too much.. it's hormones. Well, much of the time it is hormones.. I will say that if you can go to bed (at night) early and get some sleep before baby wakes for their first feeding of the night it did make it easier on *me* but I'm not sure that works for everyone.

and ps.. I posted/commented very early on here but have been MIA for a long period and I'm just catching up..

pinkshades05 · August 2014

It's really hard when your baby is born and after the first few weeks they become fussy and/or colicky. Some nights, they cry for hours and you just don't know what to do for them. This stage will pass but don't hesitate to get help! Talk to your doctor, get help from your SO, friends, and family. And don't panic if your child is eating every 2 hours instead of 3 or that other kids are napping longer. Some babies sleep through the night while others wake up every 2 hours. Every baby is different and you aren't doing anything wrong! In the moment it lasts forever but next thing you know the phase will pass and they'll be just fine.

Every phase of babyhood just clicks differently for each kid. Do what you can and ride out what you can't control.

vrj0522 · August 2014

Be patient with your partner, your baby and yourself for the first several weeks. It gets better really fast! When you are a FTM it's hard to know when you will see the light at the end of the tunnel but just know that you will. Try to enjoy those first few weeks as much as possible and know that it gets better really fast. And remember that your partner is (most-likely) a new parent as well and they are also learning how to juggle everything and how to be a good husband and a good father when a new baby is now part of the family. Be patient with them and don't get worked up over things.

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