Stupid issue with my dad - how would you deal with this?

*sparky* · August 2014

My dad loves to be very involved in my DS's life. I love that he is so into his grandson but our relationship is just ok so I really can do without seeing him 5 times a week.

We had a major fight while I was on ML because he still wanted to pick DS up from school three times a week but since I was home anyway I wanted to do it. Also on the days he did pick DS up then he would want to hang around for a while and it was just getting to be too much for me. So all I said was that I was ok picking DS up most days and he got really butthurt and said he felt like I was pushing him out and he was afraid DS would think he didn't care about him.

So he started coming to DS's soccer practices. He had always come to his games, but now they have 2-3 practices a week and he wants to come to those as well. He doesn't get to talk to DS, who is out on the field. I don't stay, because they go until 8:30 at night, so now DH is stuck hanging out with my dad on the sidelines 2-3 times a week for a couple of hours.

So I feel like a real jerk but I am thinking I need to somehow tell my dad that maybe coming to every single practice is not necessary. He has already seen DS three times this week so it's not like he never sees his grandson. He and his wife are coming over tomorrow to visit with DD.

My dad is super, super sensitive and I am not trying to cut him out of DS's life altogether, just maybe set some limits especially since this is putting my DH in the position of having to hang out with him all the time.

So anyway, am I being a jerk? Would you try to set some limits and knowing that he is crazy sensitive how would you deal with it if so? It seems stupid to say he can't come hang out on the field but again it gets old for my DH.

And they have a crazy long season - he will be playing through the end of November.

edoliesmom · August 2014

I mean, it's your life so you can do what you want, but I don't get what all the fuss is about. I understand you have just an okay relationship with him, and your husband gets tired of seeing him at all the practices, but as long as he's not adding any destructive or toxic elements to anyone's life, I think I would just try to work through it for the benefit of my children. You didn't list any reasons as to why he shouldn't be around your son, so maybe you can arrange for him to spend a weekend with him once a month or take him out on a couple of grandpa-grandson dates? Not that I'm advocating lying, but maybe you could fib and say something about how the coaches only want parents on the field or something, and then segue into the weekend/dates thing.

ETA: Scratch that thing about fibbing. I just hate dishonesty, so I take that part back. lol But maybe say it's your husband's bonding time with yall's son, and how about he can have grandson bonding time with him by taking him for a weekend or out somewhere fun for a day.

*sparky* · August 2014

I know, I said it was stupid. :-)

There is nothing toxic about my dad. It is more about my DH having a crappy 1.5-hr commute home directly to soccer and being greeted by his FIL every single time. And my dad does not even get to say more than a few words to DS unless my DH hangs out even longer after practice.

And already this week my dad has picked DS up from camp twice, taken him for snowballs one time and bowling the other time, and come to 2 soccer practices. Now he wants to know where tonight's practice is.

I won't go into why I don't love seeing him all the time, but it is really just a lot and now I feel like I can't say no without him flipping out.

Ashleypixie · August 2014

I don't see what the problem is. Your dad is making an effort to bond with his grandson as well as with your husband. My grandfather was so self important and want nothing to do with anything that didn't involve him. He died with non of his grandchildren giving an actual fuck. And I love that my parents always want to be around no matter how annoying they are (I would honestly avoid my mom if she were anybody but my mom tbh) they're very close to my kids and have embraced my husband like their son. I'm grateful that they care, so I don't know what the fuss is other than that he bugs you?

*sparky* · August 2014

Ok short version of the back story is just that I had a really bad childhood - multiple divorces, abuse, had to live with my nursery school teacher for a while because of abuse and a court battle, lots of irresponsible parenting. My dad ultimately ended up being the one to raise me to adulthood but he let a lot of things go bad while I was young.

He had an affair with a married woman for years who he is now married to. I have very little respect for him because of all of this.

And while he tried in recent years to make things right and he has stopped drinking and is a saint to my DS I just really need some space from him sometimes.

So seeing him 3-4 times a week and having him text me all the time to make plans is getting very old.

I clearly have unresolved issues.

zazu13 · August 2014

I think a lot of people reading will think, gosh I wish my parents put that kind of effort onto a relationship with my kids. Perhaps the best way to resolve this is to mend/build the relationship between you and your dad. but there's nothing wrong with suggesting different activities he could attend or telling him you'd prefer he not come to soccer practices. Does your DS want him there? Sorry you are frustrated. I hope my parents will be involved in my girls's lives, but I also want us to have our own family time without them as well so I can see your point. Good luck.

*sparky* · August 2014

@zazu13‌ - thanks for the advice. I have thought many times about trying to mend things with my dad but there are just too many things that he did and that happened as a result of him not doing what he should have.

Oh and as far as DS wanting him there, like I said he gets lots of other chances to spend time with him and at practice really doesn't get to interact with him at all so I think it really makes no difference to him one way or the other.

Anyway, this got way too deep. I think it just comes down to me being able to say we need a little space and having the guts to explain why.

*sparky* · August 2014

We did long ago and I agree he is trying to make up for the past. I just still can't completely forgive and forget and so being around him a lot makes me a little nuts. For some reason I remember when DS was an infant these feelings were stronger than normal, which I think is what I am going through now again. Maybe hormonal? Maybe I am just less tolerant than normal because I am overtired?

hordol · August 2014

It does seem a little over the top. I don't think it would hurt to say that soccer is father/son bonding time and maybe suggest your dad and DS can go bowling once a week for grandpa time or something.

Teresa1896 · August 2014

Backstory explains a lot. I would set some ground rules- watch practice one day/week, and visit another day. It sounds like he's kind of infringing on your parenting time.
But I understand how you feel. My mil is up our butts and wants to know everything that's going on and be a part of every aspect of our lives, and it gets to be too much. I keep reminding myself she won't be around forever, and that it's really awesome that my kids will enjoy such a special relationship with them!

edoliesmom · August 2014

I think talking with him is a good idea, and if he gets defensive (which I would hope with the approach PP suggested that he wouldn't react that way), maybe counseling could be a plan B. If he's sincerely trying to compensate for your childhood though, I think he'll hear you out.

Alana526 · August 2014

My dad and I have a rocky relationship as well. To be honest, the most lucid thing he has said in a long time is that his grand daughter is a new beginning for him and he will be a good grandfather to her to make up for being a bad father to me. I personally am letting him do so. This way we both have a clear conscious because I would hate to look back and know I kept him from my daughter and I am not going to deprive my daughter of a good grandfather because of something he has done to me. That's between me and him and has no effect on my daughter.

I feel like th ere will always be a decent amount of unavoidable drama in our lives so if she can have a healthy relationship in the midst of the craziness, ill let my dad come around as much as he wants.

Avion22 · August 2014

I can see why you'd be frustrated. I get along pretty well with my parents, but this would absolutely drive me nuts. Sometimes we just need our space as a nuclear family, and having guests or visitors around can be a distraction. On the other hand, it's really handy to have another person around who you trust to care for your kids when you can't be there.

I think in this case, I'd try to set up a schedule that is mutually agreed upon, that gives him plenty of opportunities to see his grandson while not intruding on your family time. Is his attending soccer practice a distraction for your son? If so, then that's a good reason for him to skip practices and just attend games.

*sparky* · August 2014

Thanks again everyone. I know he is trying which makes me feel like a jerk for not appreciating it. He has helped me out a million times too. It just has gotten to the point if being too much for me and for my DH. If I was stuck hanging out with my ILs three nights a week without DH I would not be thrilled either.

Mustardseed2007 · August 2014

Good fences make good neighbors and good relationships with parents and in laws. DH's bio mom does not live near us, but if she did I could see her attempting to do what your dad is doing, and I have already thought through that hypothetical and it will not happen (she's always talking about moving back to our city). I do not get along with her and do not respect her b/c of stuff she has done in the past - and none of it is actually as bad as what you describe- however since my DH is cool with her, when she visits I'm cool with her. But she's not going to be doing daily pick ups or hanging out with me 3 times a week. F that.

You don't need to do that to have a relationship with your grandkid.

Maybe that makes me sound selfish, but what I mean is, if I don't get along with you b/c you're a jerk or even just annoying, I'm not going to put myself through hanging out with you just b/c you're family more than once per month + holidays and birthdays and funerals. And maybe it's more than 1x per month, it depends on what you're comfortable with.

I would gently tell him to back off and let him know what you can take and what you can't. I'd let him have is fit and then tell him to get over it b/c whatever "denial of my grandkid" plea that he makes is total gas lighting.

KatieGummow · August 2014

I would tell him that you're feeling overwhelmed and need time to manage your growing family and get used to life with your new addition. Let him know how you love and appreciate how much he wants to be involved and you don't want him to stop, just pause.

I am glad you know how fortunate you are. My dad is a huge dud when it comes it my boys and it breaks my heart. I know he will step up when the boys are more active and can appreciate him, because that is what he "needs." Selfish. But your dad sounds like a great grandpa and it sounds like you are happy, but just need some space. Adding people to a family is an adjustment!

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