loss mentioned Question for those with losses after living children

VeilSdeGTO · August 2014

We lost our little girl early yesterday morning at 17w5d.

DH is taking it much harder than I (or even he) expected he would. With our first loss, it was just the thought of a baby and I don't think he was that connected. With this one, he now knows what he is missing as we have two little girls. I have never seen him like this and I have no idea how to help him. He is withdrawn from our girls and it hurts to see him like this with them.

We also told our oldest DD (she is a couple of months shy of 3) and she took it surprisingly well. I'm not exactly sure how much she truly understands but I'm ok with her not grasping the concept of death. I'm hoping she will be fine, but are there things I should look out for just in case? Did anybody's LO act out more, need extra attention, etc?

And finally, I'm so lost. I waiver from being ok, almost a been there, done that so I know how to get through it mentality, to sobbing on the bathroom floor because I also know all that I will be missing, to just plain pissed off and it is just not fair that this keeps happening to me, to get your sh!t together because you still have two little girls that need you. I know it is all still so fresh and it just takes time, but how long did it take until you stopped feeling such extreme opposites?

Serenla · August 2014

I am so so sorry for your loss ((hugs)), I cannot give you advice about YH but I will second what PPs said. If you have family in the area it might be good to let them babysit while you work with your own needs.

BootsOrHearts · August 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. 2nd tri losses are such a mindfluck because you think you're home free and you start picking names and planning and dreaming and then it is all taken away.

My loss was a couple of years ago now and it's easier to deal with now for sure. For weeks after I was a hot mess, tearing up every time I saw a pregnant woman or a young baby and it's still hard at times but when I think about Harrison and I get sad I pick up Isaac and hug him and kiss him and know that my love for him is double because it's for him and his older brother who I only got to hold for a few minutes.

It was probably 6 months or so before I started to feel at peace with what happened. It still hurts but I know I can't change it and I try to remember the good things that came from it, like how my husband and I were brought closer together.

But for now let yourself go through the whole range of emotions - be pissed off, be sad, feel regret and loss and throw things, whatever you have to do. Everything you're going through and everything you're feeling is real and valid, just let it happen. Cry as often as you need to. It will get easier, I promise. It just takes time.

(((hugs)))

Junebug060609 · August 2014

I know I've said it to you already, but my heart is breaking for you guys. It isn't fair that you are having to walk down this road again.

I can't speak to how your oldest will handle things as my subsequent loss was much earlier and D was not only much younger, but he's developmentally delayed as it is (he was a little over a year old at the time). I know he noticed me withdraw, and for that I'm still mad at myself as it was exactly when he was going through his ASD regression. I still am mad at myself for withdrawing when he needed me most, but at the time i was doing the best i could. From what I understand it's pretty common for them to bring up the subject out of nowhere at her age, so I guess brace yourself for that.

Though my loss post D was earlier on than yours, I also went through the myriad of emotions you describe. For me after about a month things seemed to settle down. There were still rough times, but the swings mellowed out after that. I had kind of a BTDT mentality as well, but there were moments when it was so raw. Each failed cycle when I was TTCAL brought it back raw as anything.

Huge hugs, hun.

princezjk · August 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. (((Hugs))). I don't have any advice on dealing with loss when you have living children, but I have experienced a later loss. Everything you are feeling sounds pretty par for the course. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Right now the best you can do is take everything one day at a time. Sending you lots of T&P.

ksyknelvr73 · August 2014

Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little girl. This breaks my heart.

I had two losses while trying for my second child, however they were both early. But my son was just over 2 the first time, and I had already told him there was a baby in my belly. I never experienced him acting out, but he did ask me from time to time if there was still a baby in my belly which sent me into major tears every time even though he wasn't meaning to. He actually seemed understanding and anytime I would cry about it, he would ask me why I was sad and give me hugs.

It's just a tough spot to be in b/c you are so grateful for the children you have but heartbroken for the child/children you thought you would have as well. The emotions are all over the place.

Sending you so many ((hugs)).

ellebelle2384 · August 2014

Big huge hugs lady. I have been thinking of you non-stop this week. I am so sorry for your loss. (Don't know if you remember me from the FB group, Ellen C. I left awhile ago). I agree that losses after having successful pregnancies can be very difficult in a different way, that you know what you are missing now but have to stay strong for your LOs. I have nothing really to say except this past year with our three losses the only way I have gotten through everything is to lean on those around me and become active again on TTCAL. So many hugs and good thoughts headed your way.

Junebug060609 about the BTDT mentality but there are definitely raw moments. Be kind to yourself. (hugs)

FmrAFBrat · August 2014

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

With both of my losses my husband has always acted like nothing happened, so it hurts to see him these days...so I can't relate there.

With this last loss I was exactly 9 weeks, so I wasn't as late as you. I had good betas though, two good ultrasounds with the baby measuring on, and a heartbeat so I'm not quite sure what happened. It just happened no warning other than spotting a few days before. My oldest did know a little and occasionally says "baby gone" (DH showed him the ultrasound pic) and has been really huggy on me but I'm not sure if he understands much other than mommy is sad. He'll be 3 in October.

I have my good days and my bad days. My loss was June 15th. The EDD for my 1st pregnancy was June 19th. I hate June. I've tried so hard for the boys not to know what was going on. I feel guilty too that I don't cry for days (maybe weeks) on end like I did with my first loss. I guess it's the BTDT mentality.

Honestly my first loss hurt so much more and in a deeper sense then this past one, even though I was further along this time. My baby's heart stopped on it's own this time and passed naturally (I had a D&C due to severe bleeding). My first baby had a heartbeat that was stopped by a doctor in a very cold clinical way. I experienced physical pain worse than childbirth with my first loss and wear the scars on my belly. I have no physical scars this time. Just an empty belly and a broken heart. I don't have the guilt with the miscarriage like I do with my ectopic. I can't describe it. I'm more at peace and less angry this time.

I'm going to guess there are a lot of different feelings out there with a second trimester loss vs a first trimester loss as well in that same thought. My bet is the pain is deeper and for that I'm sorry you have to deal with another loss. It's heartbreaking.

Give yourself time to grieve. Scream if you have to (or cry or whatever helps). It's really a hard place to be because you have to be there for the kids but take care of yourself at the same time. I've been walking a lot and it helps me sort through my feelings. I'm so greatful for my boys, but so sad for the other babies I've lost. It's a mixed bag of feelings.

One thing I'm thinking about doing in memory of my babies is baskets for women who are hospitalized for a loss at any point in a pregnancy. I spent 2 nights in the hospital after my first loss and I felt like no one cared about me or my baby. I really want others to feel like their baby mattered and it wasn't just a fluke and they are not crazy for grieving.

I wish there was something I could do for you. I'm just so sorry and sad for you. I'll be thinking about and praying for your family. I'm sorry. (HUGS)

kellbelle618 · August 2014

I have no advice, but I am so sorry for your loss.

hungryhippo · August 2014

Another here just to add that I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your feelings wavering like you describe is totally normal. I know you know this but there will be a time when that eases but you also have to allow yourself grieve however you need to. Huge (((hugs))).

dadalou · August 2014

I have an almost 4 yo DD. We lost her brother at birth in February. I'm a SAHM had a very hard time dealing with her all day every day for quite a while afterwards. I had a c section so it took me a long time to recover. She acted out a lot for a few months afterwards. She also said she was scared a lot and didn't want to go to sleep at night for a couple of weeks. She has gotten a lot better, but she's still 3 so she has her days of being a terror.

We have been open with her about her baby brother, that he died, and that sometimes we are sad and that's ok. She saw him in the hospital. She came to the funeral. She's been to his grave a few times. I don't hide my tears from her. It's been 6 months and I still have bad days when everything seems to make me cry. She also talks about him all the time. I'm glad, but it hurts at the same time.

I agree with all the other people who suggested that you ask for help if you need it. I did at first. I was healing and I knew that I shouldn't be doing certain things. Usually I will just do it myself struggling through, but I knew that wasn't going to be helpful to me in the long run. I needed to take care of me so that I could take care of her.

If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. It's hard grieving when you have a child to take care of.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

I am so sorry. I have no advice but I wanted to offer you lots of ((hugs)) during a very difficult time for your family. If time does not seem to be healing his and your wounds, is therapy something you guys could do together? It's so hard with guys, because I feel like they bottle things up and don't want to ask for help. I think for a limited amount of time, this is acceptable and a normal part of the grieving process. But if it's like months down the road and he's still withdrawing from your family, it could be something to consider. Again, I am so very very sorry.

kimmyberly26 · August 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. I also had a second tried loss and it sucks. I don't think your LOs grasp the concept yet so they'll probably be fine but probably ask you about the baby from time to time. It is still so raw but things will get better with time. Like PP said, maybe try to take some time for yourself. (((Hugs)))

ScienceMama · August 2014

We Lost Our Daughter At 17.5 Weeks And We Have A 3 Y/O Son. He Asked Me 23 Times Today "Where Is The Baby?" I Could Only Give My Same Response "In Heaven" Every Time. He Has Made My Recovery More Focused B/c I Have To Keep It Somewhat Together For Him. Some Days Are Better Than Others. Thoughts And Prayers To Everyone.