Healz413 saying hi

healz413 · August 2014

Hey Y'all,
I saw that @Manada and I got tagged in a couple of TTT's yesterday. Thanks for thinking of us.

We were so profoundly touched by everything this community did to support us after we lost our twin daughters Tavin and Casey at 21 weeks gestation. We have been meaning to get one here and write a thank you that was thoughtful enough to be what your gestures of love and support deserved. But we have not yet had the time and energy (at the same time) to sit down and craft that. In the mean time, please know that they touched us and we've told so many people in our in-person lives about the online candlelight vigil, the beautiful book, and the contributions you made to the slew of gifts (laundry, food, trees, etc.).

We have been hanging out on the Loss board. I periodically poke my head over here to see if there is any big news. I find it very difficult to do, but I also find myself so invested in your journeys.

We are getting a lot of support in Toronto. We've been attending two different pregnancy and infant loss support (and M has been attending a third that is only open to people who were themselves pregnant; she refused to go at first because she did not like that I could not be included but now that I'm back at work at part time, she goes to that group which meets once a week during the day). We've also found a great therapist. We see her both together and individually. (I'm grateful for very generous therapy benefits from my university TAship that I held last year--the benefits expire at the end of this month, so we're making the most of them.)

I'm back at work part time. I had just started a job at a non-profit in Toronto at the beginning of June. I took 2 1/2 weeks completely off after we lost the babies. I'm now back 1/2 time. They're very supportive and most of the work I do is a good distraction. M is eligible for 15 weeks of pregnancy leave because Casey was born alive. Navigating the employment insurance system for her has been nightmare, but we are glad that she has that option. She is thinking she will not take the full 15 weeks but will try to go back part time by the time the school year starts in September (since she works at a university).

We do hope/plan to come back to this board at some point, but right now we just need to on the loss board only. We are so happy for those of you who have had babies or are having healthy pregnancies. And we are also so extremely heartbroken and so those good feelings are rivalled by sadness and envy (it's true; it may not be a pretty feeling or a "logical" feeling but it's a real one).

We have begun talking about next steps and trying again. Even without the loss, that would be overwhelming given our history of infertility and our struggles to get pregnant in the first place. Add in the loss, and trying again seems like a ridiculous thing to do. And yet, we will, as have many of you who have dealt with infertility and/or loss. We aren't trying yet and aren't sure when we will, but we both want to be parents to take home, grow up babies in addition to our very loved Tavin and Casey.

Anyway, thanks for thinking of us. We miss you!
Healz

Jazibel · August 2014

@Healz413 & @Manada - I'm so glad that you have abundant support. Please know that even when I personally reach out I don't have any expectations in return. As a loss survivor I took the time I needed and focused on healing those devastating if invisible wounds. The loss and later ttc after loss boards on the bump were so instrumental as I didn't visit this board for a while. Still (and I think I can speak for most of us here) we love the two of you and your daughters so when you're ready - when ever that is (a week, a month, a year) we'll be here.

In the interim I'm glad that you're doing "well". Continued huge HuGs.

KH826 · August 2014

Healz, I am so glad to hear from you, and to know that you and @Manada are doing alright (I mean, as alright as you can be...)... I think of you both often, and I have wanted to reach out, but also did not want to say or do anything that might not be welcomed or might add any more pain or difficulty to what you are already going through. I am so glad to hear that you both have found support and resources, and that M's benefits have been helpful. I will continue to think of both of you and your precious angels. I look forward to the day when you feel ready to join us here again on a regular basis. Please take care!

All the best,

KH

JGY · August 2014

Thank you so much for checking in and letting us know how you both are doing. I just want to say ... please don't think that you need to write a profound thank you (which, by the way, you kind of already did) before you jump in here and there. Mostly we just want to hear from you when you have something to say, and when you're ready. I do recognize that writing something like that can be theraputic as well though, so I'm not dismissing your desire to do so, I just don't want you to feel like you can't/shouldn't post here and there without it.

Rambling, not making sense, but hopefully you catch my drift. Oh, and also the hugs I send your way often.

ATXmommas · August 2014

I'm glad to hear from you. I've thought of you and Manada often and I'm glad you have such good support systems in place as you continue to cope with the loss of Tavin and Casey. I understand your need to be away. I found it incredibly difficult to share in others' excitement about their own pregnancies after my loss. Even though I was happy for them, I just couldn't be part of the the experience. Just know that you, Manada, and your girls are still in our hearts.

ball.and.chain · August 2014

It's so good to hear from you and to hear that you are getting support and taking care of yourselves and each other. Thank you for checking in. We all think of you all the time!

mwagner25 · August 2014

So thankful to hear from you two. Take all the time you need. We will continue to send healing thoughts your way.

2momsinCA · August 2014

Hi healz, I've been absent from the board too, but for very different reasons. I've checked in here twice in the last 2 months (today and a couple days after you announced your loss). So when I think of this board I only think of you two. Honestly, I think of you and @manada often. I know the healing process is a difficult and winding road. You are an amazing couple and it's great to hear that you are doing so much to work through the loss. You two will continue to be in my thoughts.

wishiwaspreggo · August 2014

It is nice to hear from you - I completely understand sticking to the Loss board after all you've both been through. I hope you continue your recovery and we'll all be here to support you when you're ready to try again.

Healz413 saying hi

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