Co hosting a shower without contributing to the cost?

jaclynleedavis · July 2014

I am very happy to be throwing a baby shower for my sister in law coming up. In the last year she has thrown her sister a baby shower and I a bridal shower. Both so special and beautiful that both were the best I have ever been to. My family loves throwing parties and paying attention to the details. I have been planning and saving for the shower for months and have had so much fun planning it. Her sister has asked to co host the shower with me and I agreed. I recently had her over to show her what I have so far. She threw words around like elegant and suggested to serve shrimp and lobster. However when I asked her about budget and suggested splitting the food, flowers, and paper products only she says she can only spare $100. I have already spent over $300 on decor alone. I know for a fact my husband and I make far less than them all but have been very happy to make sacrifices to save the money to make a shower just as special as I received. I don't want to cause drama or hurt feelings but am I wrong to rather host the shower myself than co host and pay the bill? They are sisters and I am just a sister in law I don't know what to say or do. I do know I don't want my sister in law to know about the drama she deserves this shower and I am very happy to throw it for her. I don't want her to think for a second otherwise.

jaclynleedavis · July 2014

No you misunderstand she is wanting me to spend over $1000 and her spend $100 and say we did it all together. I don't need her nor would I ask for more money. Money is a personal thing. She went into this knowing my budget was $1000. I just don't think it was right for her to ask to co host knowing all of this. She wants her sister to have an over the top shower, for her to host it, and for me to foot the bill. I just don't know how to say I'm a control freak and rather do it on my own if it's not 50/50. I only said yes to bring the families together. I just don't want to drive a wedge. Her sister did it for both of us. It's what our families do. We entertain love doing it and make all of it on our own. Food and decor is all done by hand. Parties thrown for family are a labor of love but what she is wanting to do or not do in this case doesn't feel like it to me. I will be the one to foot the bill and make everything by hand including invites and linens. It will be weeks of work on my part. she will show up and help set up the day of only and stand In front of everyone with me.

Puppies+Rainbows+Unicorns · July 2014

Does it really matter if someone else gets some undeserved credit? The shower should be a gift and 100% about the mother. It sounds like you planning a party partially to show off how good of a host you can be.

jaclynleedavis · July 2014

Feeling used is an awful feeling. But I promise you the shower is nothing but for the mother. Like I said before she deserves the showering and the respect. She has done it for all of us plus some.

ordinary1 · July 2014

You can either graciously accept or decline her offer for co-hosting. The shower isn't about you or how much you spend. No shower I have ever been to says Sally paid for xyz and Kate did abc.

VOR · July 2014

I'm floored at the $1000 budget. I would have been almost angry if I knew my friends spent that kind of money on a shower for me!!

That being said - while on one hand it shouldn't be about who spent what, on the other - for the fact that she's really expecting you to pony up the $$ for HER ideas, that's incredibly unfair and I can understand why you feel used.

And to be honest, when I hear "labor of love", I actually envision a much less expensive shower. "Labor of love" should mean that it shouldn't be costing you SO much $$ because you, personally, are doing most of the work. $300 in decor alone?

Who knows - for the fact you told her your budget is $1000, maybe she's wondering where exactly that money is going if it's NOT going to something like lobster and shrimp!

ElaineMOH · July 2014

In my mind there are two choices. I think you should graciously decline her offer to co-host, if it bothers you that much. Tell her you have everything looked after and you would love for her to just come and enjoy the event. Or, like previous posters have said, you should let her know your budget and if she wants extravagant extras tell her she will have to cover them herself. Good luck!

VOR · July 2014

I'm kind of curious as to how this came about, too. Did she express interest, you said "sure, would love the help" and THEN you told her "my budget is $1k"? If so... she might have had a moment of sticker shock! Of course, for the fact that she's throwing out expensive ideas, lame on her part.

But at the same time - if she didn't know YOUR budget before hand, she may not have known what to say or do after the fact.

I will say - if you offer to host/co host a shower, you should be doing it expecting to pay a reasonably fair amount of the bill. However, if the budget was set before your SIL had a chance to speak to the budget - then it's somewhat out of her hands.

Her offering up expensive ideas does bother me, but that aside- her budget is $100, yours is $1000. You want her to pay 1/2? Then lower your budget to $100 also. But you can't expect her to raiser hers - especially SO significantly!!

sschwege · July 2014

jaclynleedavis said:

No you misunderstand she is wanting me to spend over $1000 and her spend $100 and say we did it all together. I don't need her nor would I ask for more money. Money is a personal thing. She went into this knowing my budget was $1000. I just don't think it was right for her to ask to co host knowing all of this. She wants her sister to have an over the top shower, for her to host it, and for me to foot the bill. I just don't know how to say I'm a control freak and rather do it on my own if it's not 50/50. I only said yes to bring the families together. I just don't want to drive a wedge. Her sister did it for both of us. It's what our families do. We entertain love doing it and make all of it on our own. Food and decor is all done by hand. Parties thrown for family are a labor of love but what she is wanting to do or not do in this case doesn't feel like it to me. I will be the one to foot the bill and make everything by hand including invites and linens. It will be weeks of work on my part. she will show up and help set up the day of only and stand In front of everyone with me.

Hosting a shower is not like naming rights going to the highest bidder. It's about working together to host a beautiful party for the person you love. You said yourself parties in your family are a 'labor of love', you stated twice that you are doing everything by hand: food, decor, invites and linens. "Many hands make light work" so they say, have her help with all of those projects.

It sounds to me like you only wanted her to co-host if she was willing to split the bill with you. Since she's not willing to give you $500 and only offered $100 you are not interested.

Next time she comes at you with something like lobster, simply let her know it's not in the budget.

526SadieSadie · July 2014

She's having lobster daydreams in a hot dog reality.

Tell her that you budgeted to do things a certain way and unless she can go 50/50 with you, you're already settled on everything.

I know its not about the credit but I'd be pissed if I spent $1000 on something by myself and split credit with someone who barely contributed any time, money or effort. It's like being the only one to actually do work on a group project at school while everyone else slacks off.

chicagojackie · July 2014

In Chicago, especially at a restaurant with 20-25 guests a baby shower can easily run $1000. Depending on where op lives and where she needs to have it this may not be unreasonable.

OP Put her in charge of something such as games or flowers or favors that she has to purchase and do herself. Don't accept her money. Have her take care of it. "Why don't you handle it directly? That would be the most helpful."

Ceridwen21 · July 2014

I also agree that 1K is not an unreasonable shower budget.

I would tell her that you've already done most of the work/planning, but would be happy to co-host with her. Tell her that lobster and shrimp do not fit in the budget. Ask her to plan games (or choose the cake, etc) with her $100.

Then graciously share the credit 50/50, because it's not about you.

Ceridwen21 · July 2014

MandJS said:

I still don't understand how you can spend $300 on decor and have a $1000 budget and NOT be able to afford lobster.

I'm guessing the remaining $700 is going towards: Food, cake, alcohol, invitations, stamps, game props, prizes. Other possibilities are rental of chairs, linens, dishes, etc. Possibly even rental of a hall if it's not being held at a home.

mcgeeva · July 2014

You lost me at $1000 for a baby shower....

cozybluebear · August 2014

If it were me, I would tell her that you'd love to have her co host and she can handle the food. If she wants shrimp, she'll have to pay for shrimp.

Whitfry · August 2014

Call me provincial, but I'd take a $300 shower and a gift certificate to Target to buy things the baby would actually use.

Not that it isn't great that you're putting so much effort and care into this shower, but I'm one of those who would be damn grateful for an extra $100.

Pix3lle · September 2014

I tried to keep the costs of my bff's shower under $100 and i had a few people say it was the best shower they had been to.
I just kept the games cheap, minimal decorations etc, the food was all home cooked and I designed/ made a lot of things. I think the most expensive things were the prizes.

I'm sure an extra pair of hands would really help with set up!
And $100 isn't 'not contributing' it can go a long way!

[Deleted User] · September 2014

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Co hosting a shower without contributing to the cost?

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