Question for ladies here with LO(s)...

mdogan29 · August 2014

Hey everyone

Hope the weeks are going by smoothly!

I know this may be WAYYYYY early to be asking about this... but I am a planner! So, I will be a FTM in about 7 months or so... but I'm already thinking about our next baby, but only because I'm thinking about my 'AMA' and all and wondering how much planning others have done as well. I'll be 38 by the time my first is born and I know you need time to heal and everything... but I don't want to wait too long before trying for a second. I was thinking if I am due in March 2015 and I wait about 6-12 months before trying again, and have the second baby some time between August and December of 2016, the first will be over a year old-close to 2 years by the time second is born. And it will be before my 40th birthday (Jan. 2017)... I know there's no guarantee that this will all work out how I'm planning it, but I was just thinking about it and wanted to know what y'all think!

My husband wants to wait until the first is 2 before having the second to spread them out some, but I'd be over 40 by then. And for me it's not just an age/number thing, my AMH was 0.4 back in Jan. 2013, and I'd like to try to do this all as naturally as possible.

I'm just thinking out loud here... but if anyone has any comments, please do share! Thanks!

8-}

NeonNoon · August 2014

Hi @mdogan29

I'm a couple of years younger than you, but I am also already planning ahead. I'm hoping to have 3 before 40. I guess for us the decision will weigh heavily on how well we handle our first. If you have a bigger age gap, there are advantages to that e.g. lower risk of autism, more attention you can give an infant etc. But AMA also means that the longer you wait, the lower the chance for success. Ideally, we would like to start trying 12 months after the birth of the first. For us an age gap of around 2 years is a good compromise.

harmonicbabe26 · August 2014

Well you can only plan so much... How you apace your kids is totally a personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer. That's the beauty of it.

Mine will be almost 3yrs apart, wish I was braver to wait longer but that's what I was comfortable with given my age.

I have a friend who had her 2nd a month after her 1st turned 1, so I guess they got prego 3 months after the 1st was born.

Another of my friends had 4 kids within 4 years, bc that's how she wanted it. All close in age.

You can wait as little or as long as you and your hubby feel comfortable. Just try not to get stuck on one set plan. You may not be ovulating again for a while, esp if breastfeeding - though that's not a good preventive method...my friend who had her son 13 months after her dd, was counting on that I guess.
Also you may end up with a c/s in which case waiting longer might be recommended for health reasons.
Or you may get prego on 1st try and not even have to try.

You guys just have to come to some agreement and go with it.

JilliansMoma · August 2014

It's never too early to plan your family! I had my first just after I turned 34, I was on such a high after I had her, I told the Dr. I couldn't wait to do it again as she was stitching me up! She said she's never heard a mom say that right after birth. She made me promise to heal for 6 months before I tried again. God had other ideas for us, after two years and still no pregnancy, we decided to do IVF. 3 years separate our first and second it was awsome! My oldest was potty trained and loved having her sister to play with. We did a FET when DD2 was a little over 1 so the age gap is 2 years and it's been more challenging with this age gap. Both still in diapers and my second still seemed so little when my third arrived. In a huge twist my DH and I got pregnant on our own (impossible after all our trouble, right?) while my 3rd was under one! I'm really nervous about this upcoming age gap! I'm glad I have a lot of help! Thankfully all of my babies have been mellow and awesome sleepers. Here's hoping I'm 4 for 4! I agree with PP it's going to depend on a lot on your LO's personality and how you and your DH handle parenthood! Good luck! JM

MrsDL · August 2014

I had my first at 36, I'm 39 and will be 40 with this one turns about 4 months. I'm a planner as well, after DS, my plan was to go for #2 so that they would be about 2 years apart. DS was 15 months when that rolled around and I just couldn't do it. I had a difficult time with his sleep the first year, nursed for over a year, and just needed more time so at the point where we planned to try again, I just wanted time to myself (I know that sounds selfish) in terms of getting back on a work-out schedule, etc. Now I will admit I think we made it much more difficult as FT parents than it had to be - I was so paranoid with DS, didn't allow him to cry for a minute, was a complete "chopper mom" as DH would say. So I took the extra year and it was a good one, lost 25 pounds, was in great shape, DH and I could spend more time together, and I could spend lots of one-on-one time with my son.

We then started trying which would have given us a 3 year age difference (age and school). We lucked out and got pg right away the second time, but I had a MMC (which becomes more common with age, but is never something you plan on happening). This set us back a bit, after we dealt with that and waited two cycles per my MD, we got pg with this one on the second try (very lucky in this area). DS will be 3.5 years apart from his brother (4 in school because of the cut-off). Honestly, looking back I wish the age difference wouldn't be so great. I do wish we would have bit the bullet and stuck to our original plan. DS is potty trained and much more independent, and the extra 1.5 years isn't a huge deal but feels like a lot to me. We always said two was the right number for us - I now think 3 might have been nice, but don't want to do it in my 40's. I think if we had them closer together I might have considered this option more. I have plenty of friends who started families late, and most did 2 at 2 or 2 under 2 and it wasn't the big deal I thought it would be.

It's a personal decision, you never know how you'll feel once you have the baby and that first year can be rough. There are pros and cons to doing it right away and waiting a bit depending on how you're feeling. However, you'll never regret just going and getting #2 once #2 is here. You may regret waiting, even a little bit. Also, you can't plan for everything (how long it might take TTC, MC, etc.) Those things throw timing off. If we had a hard time TTC #2 I would be kicking myself a whole lot more that I wasted so much time and even with a MC in between, I know I'm lucky. I sometimes think I was either cocky or just plain ignorant thinking we'd get pg right away (twice) like we did with DS given my age. Lucky and blessed, but in retrospective it was stupid given biology and aging. See how you feel, but if you want a 2 year different, it's a nice gap and it's not really a huge difference (you said your DH wants to wait a little more) in terms of the little ones, but if you have set-backs, time really counts. Good luck in your decision when you get there.

mandyreads · August 2014

The first time we got pregnant I was around 22. Then had our 2nd 2 yrs later. I went on the pill for about 4 yrs when we started trying for #3. It took 6mths to get preg. We decided last yr to start teying for #4 and 6mthsnin no period yay! But dr said I had PCOS. What? How can I have that? I've had 3 successful pregnancies and my periods are always regular. So we stopped trying. Was told I could take meds to help get pregnant but I didn't want to go that route. A yr later ( this past Dec).we had moved and new family Dr said he didn't think I had it. So we started trying again and 4 mths later we are pregnant. We fiund out a couple weeks after turning 36. Age does play a role. And birth control pills seem to also with me at least. And if you're over weight (also like me). So take those into consideration.

MsMacual · August 2014

I agree that it is a very personal decision and you might want to wait until your first is here to make a decision about when to start trying again. I thought that I would have my second pretty soon after my first (like 1 1/2-2 years apart) while I was pregnant with #1 (I was 33 when he was born). I realized pretty quickly after he was born that it would take us a while to be ready for a second- having a child was a huge adjustement for us coupled with extended breastfeeding and a kid who took a really long time to STTN (he was 2 when he finally slept a 7 hour stretch consistently). I was starting to feel the "now or never" pressure so we took the plunge- our kids will be exactly 3 years apart. I would have loved to wait a little longer, but I was feeling like our time was running out (DH just turned 42 and I'm 36) and I wasn't sure if we would experience secondary infertility due to being a few years older.

Samuelismomma · August 2014

I had first at 39 and now ds will be almost 3 that is what I preferred but was worried and tried earlier but had 3 losses so in the end my age didn't matter! Lol I will be 42 when I have dd:) my numbers were good and I conceived naturally though! Good luck with your decision:)

ProcessofBecoming · August 2014

I am 42, and will be 43 when I deliver (God willing). My son will be 30 months old when this baby is born. I think this is a good gap, and wished it could have been a little larger, but this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise (we weren't trying at all--as in "we had sex once the whole month"--when he was conceived). I had a loss last September and was coming to terms with the idea of being "one and done" when I got pregnant with this little guy. Considering I will have given birth to both of my children after 40, I have no perspective about pregnancy pre-40 versus post-40, but things have been going well here.

My MFM asked me if I was planning on having a third. I looked at him blankly and said "You do know how old I am, right?" And he laughed and said "Yes, I do. But physiologically, you're like an 18 year old." He he. Apparently my ovaries have discovered the fountain of youth (sure wish the rest of me could!).

mdogan29 · August 2014

Thank you to all who have responded! I really appreciate the feedback and it's interesting to see the variety of responses.

I hope I didn't get too personal... I guess maybe I was asking more like -- are there any advantages/disadvantages from having them too close together or is it better to spread them out -- I didn't know anything about Autism as @NeonNoon has mentioned, will need to research that. And I didn't even think about myself through this whole thing, just thought about the kids and as @wonknessmonster mentioned about being sleep deprived -- I'll also be breastfeeding (I hope), so I didn't think about how tired I might be pregnant again with a less-than-1yo. These are good things to consider!

NeonNoon · August 2014

Here's a link @mdogan29.. remember this is just one of many factors to consider:

https://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/age-difference-siblings-parental-age-higher-risk-autism-study-article-1.151813

Good luck with your decision

harmonicbabe26 · August 2014

Whatever you decide it will be right for your fam. I think when people here were saying that it's a 'personal' decision, it's not that you should keep it to yourself as a personal thing, it just means that each person will make a different decision and there is no 'one fits all' answer.

good luck with whatever you decide.

ProcessofBecoming · August 2014

For what it's worth, my son is on the spectrum (Aspergers). I got pregnant with him immediately after a miscarriage, and sometimes wonder if my body was truly ready to be pregnant again. I could drive myself crazy thinking about the whys, so I try not to. I have read all those studies, and with the demands of my son's needs, my husband and I were taking a step back from having another child (according to those studies, in order for me to wait 3 years to conceive after my son, I would need to be 43, and deliver at 44--that was pushing it for me). I naively figured that, at 42.5, I would have to really WORK to become pregnant. You know, temp and chart and all that crap. Nope. We had sex once the entire month and I got knocked up. less than a month before my son's second birthday.

We've chosen to see this baby as a true act of God, and pray that he will escape the challenges his brother faces (my son is very, very high functioning, and for that I am grateful, but even the mildest of autism cases is still a challenge). So I hope that, for us, a 2 year gap will be sufficient enough to keep the odds in our favor.

There really is no right or wrong answer. I'd say to wait until you have your baby, see how you feel during that year (my guess will be "exhausted) and make decisions from there. Good luck to you

rae_dylanzmom · August 2014

To reiterate a few of the pps,

- I didn't get my period again for over a year, likely because we EBF for a while.

- Hard to anticipate how you will feel about you, life, baby, parenting.... until you are in it.

- Try not to get too attached to a plan. M/Cs happen, it tends to be more difficult getting PG the second time around (not age-related... my younger mom friends seemed to have similar stories).

For us, we agreed to have our first baby and see how we felt once we were in it. It spared us a difficult conversation that we really weren't equipped for yet. (For us it was a 1 vs. 2 kids convo vs. spacing).

I'm due now with our 2nd (at 41), and there will be 3.5 years between our kids. My son is getting settled into pre-school now and seems emotionally and physically in a great place for a new sibling. But like everyone's said,.... totally personal decision and nothing wrong with anything you decide!

alexesq33 · August 2014

I had my first (two - twins) at 35 and am now (4 1/2 months later) pregnant with our third. I never thought I'd have 3 children before 37, but I guess since I had the twins..

You can't plan really but definitely go with what makes you feel comfortable.

A very good friend who had trouble conceiving said the one thing she would have done was not to wait so long, since it was such a long process for her. (not that this is your situation)

But if you have a "feeling" you should have another child sooner, go for it. Explain your concerns to your husband and hopefully he'll understand.

Plus you won't have to go through the "toddler jealousy of a baby" since they'll all be babies together!

:x

URMySunshine77 · August 2014

(Lurking from TTC > 35. Hope it's OK!)

I just want to reiterate that your breastfeeding decision may affect your ability to ovulate and conceive. I decided to wean completely at 14 months so that I could ovulate. However, I personally would have liked to have breastfed longer. Some women can cut down to one or two nursings and regain their O; however, due to my age, I wanted to normalize my cycles as quickly as possible. I think I've had a pretty regular cycle since weaning, but my LP is just now lengthening.

We also sleep trained DS at 13 months. He had a nursing sleep association and needed to nurse to go back to sleep. I wouldn't have been able to function pregnant and night nursing, so you might have to assess your sleeping situation and if you feel healthy enough to support a pregnancy with any night wakings.

MommyAtty · August 2014

I had my first at 38 and my second 21 months later at 40. I think 2 years is a great split. It's rough, but I am lucky that both of my kids are mellow, healthy, and great sleepers.

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