NBR: father in law problem

mooncusp22 · August 2014

DH & I have been together for a total of 8yrs. We have always lived far from his dad (who has been divorced since DH was 15 & recently married this past winter after knowing a woman for a few months).

DH used to be close with his dad because it was always the two of them. Since I came in the picture things changed. We would see him maybe 2x per year. During those visits FIL would say things like "oh, J doesn't treat you right, he will be an alcoholic like his mom... You poor thing to put up with him" etc. this was while DH wasn't in the room. At first I just kept it all in. Finally, over the years I told DH & he confronted his dad & he denied it. The night before our wedding he even said a bit to me. After we got married, he has told DH that he abandened him. I have overheard with my own ears he tell my DH that he hates me. Also, we are very close to my family. My parents are successful & treat DH like a son. He has said things like "they think they are too good for anyone" , etc. my parents are the most down the
earth & loving people.

DH relationship with his dad has been very rocky the past few years. Also, whenever he would visit he would have a list of complaints about his visit. Fast forward to the week our daughter was born. DH was on the phone with his dad & it turned in an argument. DH kept his cool but his dad went off cursing saying "you think your too good for me now because of your fancy MBA & job... Your wife is the ice queen .... & F**k the (my family)". DH said he is not going to let him call me or my family names anymore. More happened then his dad hung up on him. DH said he is not calling back since he hung up on him.

At least 2montha went by. We had a baptism for DD, sent them an invite that had an RSVP date & they completely ignored it. Father's Day rolls around & his new wife texts my DH saying how sad his dad is & would he be willing to talk with him. DH said yes. FIL calls & doesn't really apologize, dances over how he ignored DDs baptism & doesn't really even ask how she is. DH said that he needs to make a better effort to be a grandfather (which when we were pregnant he was just so excited about). Since that phone call DH doesn't really hear from him. DH will text a pic of DD & he responds with "so cute"

So now, his dad texts him that him & the wife are driving through on their way from TX to IL & want to visit for a couple of days. It makes me sick to my stomach to have this man in my house. And even more so it pisses me off that he has not made an effort to meet his granddaughter & is coming because it's convienent. I always hated his visits but painted a smile on my face & tried to be a good host & wife. But now it has hit a point that I am beyond angry & hurt. And now he's really pissed me off because you have shown no interest in your grandaughter! And he always acts so fake to me & will give me a hug & ask how my parents are, etc. I can't be fake anymore, I don't want him to hug me hello or even talk to me. How do I deal with this visit? It's keeping me up at night. DH knows & understands how I feel- he gets pissed at his dad & when his dad shows something DH always folds & says "he's still my dad". Honestly I am upset DH didn't give him a hard time about missing DDs baptism!!! The tension also causes fights between us :-(

UnofficiallyLO · August 2014

Sorry you are dealing with this! Perhaps he can stay at a hotel and just visit since it seems (hopefully) obvious to everyone in the situation that the relationship has been strained for awhile now. They may take offense but I'm not a fan of being uncomfortable in my own home so that's probably what I would do, it's not like they cannot visit DH or their grandchild but sounds like you need a place to start before diving into "everything is awesome". Good luck!

mooncusp22 · August 2014

I told DH I would prefer them to stay in a hotel and he said " it's just for a night or two... He is still my father & I can't do that"

hordol · August 2014

I have similar problems with my FIL (not problems like yours, but have similar feelings toward him for different reasons) and I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself just what your DH said--that he is still his father. It's easier for your DH to extend grace to his dad than it is for you, and I have this problem too. Even though he's been a jerk, it's important you let your DH make the call on this. He can't make you have a great relationship with his dad, but if he wants to have one then you need to let him decide how he wants to handle him.

Believe me, I know it's easier said than done because I think my DH is way too forgiving to his father and there have been times I felt disrespected by his dad that DH didn't do anything about. Basically, my DH told me I just need to suck it up because it's his dad and that's just how he is (yeah...I didn't take that well lol) but when it comes down to it, it's true. As long as your DH insists that his dad treats you and your family with respect and sticks up for you when he doesn't, I would just follow his lead on it.

BiggerinRealLife · August 2014

I just had a visit with my estranged father so he could visit my daughter. I don't plan to have a relationship with him, but I wanted him to at least meet my daughter. I forgave him a long time ago, but my DH still has a very hard time with him, so he elected to not be home while we had our visit. It was for the best. Had he been there he just would have been resentful and tense, and without him there we had a semi-pleasant visit. Would I rather he'd been there so I didn't have to face the tensions of visiting with my dad alone? Yes. But this made sense for us. I'd definitely never expect him to let my dad stay in our home, even though he is my dad, but I did expect him to support me when I wanted my dad to meet Josie. Don't know if this helps, but thought it might be useful to hear someone in a similar situation.

strawberrytree · August 2014

I'm sorry, that sucks. I'd push for a hotel as well...FIL might be his dad, but you're his wife and his dad had trash talked you and your family. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home and I think there is probably a greater chance of the visit being pleasant if they're in a hotel and you meet up for a BBQ at your house or something.

If he insists on them staying with you, I'd make sure he did the prep for the visit. Getting sheets and towels, grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom, etc.

mooncusp22 · August 2014

When it first came up last month I told him I would be more comfortable if they stayed in a hotel. DH said he couldn't ask him that. It does hurt me when he keeps letting him back in & his dad keeps being rude & hurting all if us. I've listened to my DH over & over again when he's been hurt by his father & DH says he's done. Then FIL weasels his way back in & DH thinks maybe he's changed & it happens all over again. I am so sick & drained of it... and when he keeps letting him back in it makes me feel like he is putting his dad before his wife & daughter. I am mad he didn't give him a hard time for missing her baptism! He just skated past it and DH didn't really make a big deal of it to him.... though I heard for weeks how pissed he was & that if he didn't show then that was the end.

nicole mackenzie · August 2014

Being his wife trumps his dad. FIL needs to learn to treat his son and his family with respect. He hasn't thus far so there should be consequences. Being someone's dad doesn't mean you can treat people poorly because they still HAVE to love you.

I disagree that it's your DH call since its his dad. You're his wife and you should decide together If and how visits occur. You're relationship as husband and wide comes before father and son!

My DH and get along with our respective inlaw's but still discuss with each other about visits.

mooncusp22 · August 2014

Right, I should trump his dad! I tel DH that I feel like he puts his dad first but DH just doesn't see that. For example, if they come visit I said I am extremly uncomfortable with him staying in our house and it would be better if it stayed in a hotel. He said "I can't ask him to stay in a hotel"... And I asked him if my uncomfortableness means less then him feeling bad about asking him to stay in a hotel. And I guess he just doesn't give me an outright answer. The thought of seeing his dad and especially him staying in our house is giving me such anxiety. I can't sleep, I just go over things in my head again and again, I think about what I would say to him, etc. DH said I should say something and tell him how I feel. Do I bring this all up? I know it will result in me crying ,etc. I just don't know what to do. I can't leave my house because I don't want to leave DD around his dad...

nicole mackenzie · August 2014

Take dd daughter with you out of the house.

He can visit with his dad.

mooncusp22 · August 2014

Thanks all... We talked last night. & he said he would tell him not to come if I am going to have such anxiety about it. I feel I can't make that decision (though I would love to!). DH will tell him it would be best to stay in a hotel.

DH is flying to TX for work next week & mentioned he was probably meeting his dad for dinner. This made me mad. How can he invite his dad to dinner - father or not, this man has been completely disrespectful to me & our daughter. I am infuriated & told DH that I can't believe he did not lay into his dad for not attending (or even RSVP or acknowledge) DD baptism. DH said he has given up on him & it will do no good. It just makes me so mad!! DH said he has no relationship with him (I said yes he does if he texts & visits him when he is in town, keeping lines of communication open is having a relationship though not the one you used to have).

DH said I should seek help with how to deal with my anxiety & emotions about this because he can't help me anymore. He said he is past anger & in empathy. Just makes me mad if DH says "doesn't matter if I tell him the things he has done are wrong, he just doesn't get it". I say tell him! Let him know he has been extremely hurtful to you, your wife & now your daughter. Don't let him just skate by!! Makes me so mad

*sparky* · August 2014

I understand where you are coming from, but it sounds like DH is having a very hard time figuring out how to deal with this. You can't force DH to push his dad out of his life, but you can set limits on how much YOU and your LO have to be involved. I agree the visit should be in a hotel - having him stay at your house is way too much to ask after everything that has gone down. And if I were you, I would be scarce during the visit. I would spend some time with them, but probably not much.

It is really hard to just give up on your parents altogether so I am sure your DH truly wants to believe that things will change. He will eventually have to come to the realization that they will not, or he will be in this cycle for a long time. It sounds like so far he has stood by you 100% when his dad has treated you or your family poorly, which is so important.

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