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November 2014 Moms
moroccojade
member
Who else is "AMA"?
moroccojade
member
Sorry if we have had this conversation in the past... (I might have missed it.) But I am curious.
How are things going?
Do you feel like you are being treated any differently (by medical professionals or people in general) because you are 35+?
What are some of the perks of being an "older" mom? Drawbacks?
How are things going?
Do you feel like you are being treated any differently (by medical professionals or people in general) because you are 35+?
What are some of the perks of being an "older" mom? Drawbacks?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Who else is "AMA"?
It took me a minute to realize that AMA means Advanced Maternal Age...I guess I am, although I hate that term. I'm 37, soon to be 38. I had DS when 36.
My midwife group doesn't treat me any differently because I am older - in fact, they take the philosophy that if you are generally healthy at the onset of pregnancy, and you don't have other risk factors, then you are just like other mothers. I love that about them. I had an NT scan, but wasn't offered a Materni-T21 tests or other tests in my first tri for this reason. I think it helps that I have already had one healthy pregnancy and one healthy baby, with an uncomplicated (and med-free) birth when I was "AMA".
I do have a history of high blood pressure - I was diagnosed in my early 30s, at a time when I was not at all overweight and I worked out a lot and I didn't have any cause other than genetics/bad luck. Thankfully, after having DS, my blood pressure regulated itself and I'm off medication but it is still a "risk" that I am monitored for (not nec. because of my age, because of the condition).
I like being an older mom because I got to build my career, do a lot of traveling, and do a lot of socializing in my 20s and early to mid 30s. I don't regret waiting to have kids at all (but then again, I was lucky that I didn't have infertility issues - I may feel differently if I had struggled). I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I've already done a lot, and my friends are all older and more calm now (even if they don't have kids). I do wonder if I would have more energy if I were younger. I'm exhausted. I also feel like I don't have "time" for a 3rd kid - which I'm fine with, but I suspect DH would like 3 kids.
As for me... I am 38. I will turn 39 before I deliver. And things are going well! I feel just as good, (and even better in ways) than I did when I was pregnant at 31. I have had a few blips in the road with this pregnancy, but I am the type of person who is aggressive about finding help and solutions. I don't take things lying down.
Where I live, most parents are older. Since I am still in my 30s, I am pretty young, actually. LOTS of parents are in their 40s and there even a few who are 50. So I don't feel like I am getting treated weirdly. (And I am glad.) Actually, in my daughter's class there are two families who are grandparents already as well as parents of 1st graders.
Perks of waiting? Travel. Definitely. I have been able to take several extended trips to a few countries... I also got to live alone for about 8 years. (I think EVERYONE should live solo for at least a year. No parents, no roommates, no SO.) I got to get my Masters. Build a career. Not be tied down....
Drawbacks? I will probably be an old grandma! If this second child has her kids at my age, I will be almost 80. I hope I am healthy enough to enjoy them if my daughters have kids of their own.
I forgot to add that one big drawback is that my parents and DH's parents are older than a lot of grandparents, and I find that with their health issues/age, they're not able to do a lot of stuff that other, younger grandparents could do. I don't think I could leave our kids with either set of grandparents overnight - they just don't have the energy and ability to keep up with them. I do regret that my parents and DH's parents aren't younger.
I lived in NYC for 16+ years, so all of those friends waited to get married/have kids etc (or chose not to all together). I now live in Tennessee, and it is more mixed. I've made friends with mom's in their 30s, most of them early to mid-30s, which is nice, but I see a lot of younger moms around.
I do think sometimes people are surprised that I'm pregnant at 41 and especially tend to raise their eyebrows about DH being 55. It's not uncommon for them to congratulate me and ask him whether he's sure he wants to do it all again.
I'm tired, but I hear from a lot of you ladies that you are too, so don't know that it's particularly age related.
Life experience, having already accomplished a lot of personal goals in terms of travel, career etc., do make me feel comfortable with the decision we made to have a child now. It doesn't feel like I'm sacrificing, so much as doing what fulfills me. Not sure if younger women feel they are sacrificing or not, this just stems from comments made by people that we won't have the freedom to do "x,y,z" with a baby now and I just shrug because it feels like I've been there, done that.
I do wonder sometimes whether being an older mom will make the generation divide seem too broad, but then I remind myself that it still comes back to belief systems and those aren't dependent upon age. I also was mainly raised by my grandparents and while we may have not had a microwave or vcr, I think I turned out just fine!
My daughter gets to enjoy young grandparents. My mom just turned 60. Dad is 64. We have no idea how old my MIL is, but I am guessing mid 50s. FIL practically doesn't even exist in our lives. He is a mythical beast living somewhere in Paris.
Although as the daughter of young parents, I wish they would have waited a good five (or more) years. My parents weren't ready to be married let alone have kids. (They actually separated for 4 years when I was 2.) But in the end, they were meant to be together. It's just too bad I got dragged on their roller coaster ride for half a decade!
There are quite a few dads in their 50s in my daughter's school. And they are amazing dads. (And, erm, handsome and affluent! lol.)
And I agree.. I think 20 year old pregnant women are just as tired as we are. zzzzzzzzzz
Me: 42, DH: 40; Surprise BFP 4/27/2011; no heartbeat at 9w3d, we miss you, Baby Manatee; D&C 6/1/2011; AF returned 6/26/2011; Ready to try for our take-home baby. 7/24/2011--BFP! Peanut born March 2012; BFP: 7/31/2013!; blighted ovum at 7 weeks 8/26/2013. Holy Cannoli! BFP 2/23/2014. EDD 11/6/2014!
I'm 39 and last year I gave birth to my daughter at 37. I don't think I am being treated differently by my OB. Maybe more ultrasounds and perhaps NST tests coming a little later but overall things seem normal.
I do think that my body would have more energy if I were younger but I'm very happy to be having children right now. We got pregnant one year after marriage so it's not like I waited long.
I think that a huge perk is that at this point in our lives we are fairly comfortable (financially) and can provide the life that we want for our children and not be totally stressed out about money.
I also have the been there done that feeling and don't have any regrets. I look forward to all of the baby stuff and family trips etc...
My mother had me at 17 so she's only 56 and I have a 22 year old sister and a 28 year old brother so I feel good knowing that my children have a good (age) range of people to draw from. I do feel bad that I will be 57 when this baby graduates high school... but it is what it is...
I personally love being an older mom. I was able to earn my PhD and decide on my career path before having to worry about how kids would fit in. I also lived on my own for 8 years in Baltimore, New Haven, and in NorCal. And I totally agree with @moroccojade that everyone should live alone for a time, just to prove to yourself that you can!
DD and Artoo still have fairly young grandparents, since both mine and H's had kids when they were young so I'm not worried about that. I do sometimes think about how I'll be an older grandparent, but I plan on living like my grandparents (3 of whom are still alive) and be active well into my 80s.
Don't feel like my dr has cared about my age at all which us great. The only time it's ever come up was when the genetic counselor told me to skip the first tri state screening test. Said between my age and having twins I was going to have a false positive. Also she knew we were going to have an amnio. Not sure if it's my age or twins - probably a combo. I definitely am moving slow with a lot of aches and pains and am SO tired but I think most everybody feels that way on here. I'm definitely not out running for exercise lol.
Positives of being older - We've been together ourselves for 10+ yrs. lived our lives to the fullest, travelled all over, we were able to buy our hopefully forever house etc. knowing exactly what you want and being in the same page with decisions. Being able to afford the babies. my DH is encouraging of buying stuff for the baby when I balk at the price. He says we've worked hard for 20yrs so that we can afford these critters lol. I'm way too thrifty (cheap) but it's nice he is positive about it.
Negatives-
Having an amnio! It sucked the big one but was the only definitive answer with my age and twins.
older grandparents who won't be around as long. My mom is 70 already. We don't live close to either set so no babysitting perks. My mom was 30 when she had me and I had no grandparents by the time I was 17 which was sad.
Energy levels will be lower-time to pick up a caffeine habit
Connecting with other new parents. We've been to a few expectant parents meetings and although I think we feel and look younger than half the people in the room I'm guessing we are the oldest.
Didn't mean to write a novel but have thought about this a lot.
I agree with PP with both benefits (better/ healthier lifestyle, goals met/ school completed/ career established/ travel, financial stability, etc.) and drawbacks.
The timing just worked for us. We actually married a little later than most, and really had no intention of making babies six years ago. Over the last year or two we started dancing around the notion of a family, fearing we may regret not trying when before we knew it, it would be too late. And voilà, the first time we decided to take a chance, now or never, to see if it was meant to be... yup! She's due on our anniversary
Just thought I'd throw that in there so I could share a little more than "I agree"
Heisenberg tbh, unfortunately, around here, if you don't have a couple kids by the time you're 25...there's something wrong and people hound you about it. My mom had me when she was 20 so I always assumed that's when I would have my first baby. Given that thought process, and the environment around here, when it turned out I was 26 before having my first baby I felt so old & like people were going to judge me. People are already asking me if I'm going to have another one since I'll likely wait a few years and be older by then
THIS PLACE! GAH!
I don't think I've been treated too differently. I like to think of the extras as perks and it allows me to see and hear baby more often. We had Verifi done at 12 weeks and a level 2 at 20 because my SIL has spina bifida and they wanted to rule it out for us. I live in a large city where there are lots of moms my age, so my OB practice doesn't seem to make too big a deal.
As for the perks of being an older mom, I'd have to say being established in my career will definitely help. I'm financially at a point that having a baby now won't effect my finances or long term retirement goals. It's something I couldn't say in my twenties. I definitely would have made it work then, but it's just easier now. Plus most of my friends are having babies now, too. So I'll be surrounded by "older" moms going through the same thing.
Praying unceasingly for a miracle. ALL welcome!
This is my 6th child. My other dc are 21-10 (11 tomorrow) years old. Been married for 19 years, and a few years ago decided we wanted 'just one more'!
Started trying in JAN 2013 but 2 m/c's took up that year : (((
I have a good ob and midwife who do NOT treat me as though I am a fossil. In general I am blessed with good health and don't really have the middle-age issues that can up the risk in pregnancy. I did opt for the Mat121 and NT scan, but we are commiited to the pregnancy regardless-results were awesome though. My ob's attitude is , yes I am high risk on paper but in reality, with my history of healthy pregnancies and natural deliveries, and healhty lifestyle, she feels I"m as low high-risk as you get.
It is weird, my oldest ds is the age I was when he was born. And by the time this baby is old enough to remember much, half these kids will probably be out on their own. She'll be like an only child at some point.
So I'll probably be a younger grandma to my olders' kids at some point in the next several years potentially, but a really old grandma to this baby's babies!
AMA as well (x 2). I was pregnant with my first at 35 and had him at 36 - I remember the ultrasound tech telling me there was nothing special about 35, fertility starts to decline around that point and issues start to arise, but you're not really "high risk" statistically until 38, they just have to pick a starting point. So here I am - at 39, I'll be 40 when DS2 is about 4 months old.
Yes, my practice does treat AMA differently, not in a bad way (at least for me). More testing offered (and covered), more ultrasounds and monitoring towards the end. All the visits can be a PIA but also provides additional peace of mind. I'm with a practice of 5 females, 4 are over 35. One is pregnant now herself, another had twins last year at 38, and the head of the practice had all of her children after 35.
In my area, this is very common. Most of my neighbors are in there mid to late 30's, all with at least one AMA pregnancy, 3 this past year alone. So I don't feel "old" because I do a lot of socializing with couples that have newborns and toddlers but are older themselves like us. People seem to spend their 20's focusing on education and career, many meet a little later due to this, get married later, put off families until they feel they are financially very secure.
Pros - as above, I spent a lot of time focusing on myself, accomplishing personal/professional goals, got married at 33, built a home, had fun, then started on a family. I feel I'm 110% focused on this chapter of my life and content - I don't feel like I have or am missing out on things. Material things don't matter in the scheme of things when it comes to kids, but it's nice to be financially secure and feel like we can provide the home we have, a good education, extras. It's something we can do know that we would not have been in a position to do at 25 or 26. Some of my friends from college who had kids in their mid or even late 20's often say they can't wait for their children to be out of the house so they can go back to grad school, travel, etc. We've been there, done that. I also feel I'm healthier just because it's a focus for me now at my age because I do want to be around as long as I can to enjoy my children grow.
Cons - no matter how you spin it - I'm an older mommy compared to the average. I feel like I'm in great shape, but there are days where I pick DS up or carry him up the stairs and I'm like "my back is sore!" "my knees ache!" That's only going to accelerate and I worry about not being able to keep up with 2 rambunctious boys the way I want to in my 40's and 50's. I grew up with 3 of my 4 grandparents. Had my grandfather until my early 30's, my grandmother passed two years ago, and my other grandmother is still going strong at 95 years young. Because I'm older, it's unlikely my children will have their grandparents well into adulthood and that makes me sad. Being realistic, I don't even think about grandchildren because that makes me sad - I definitely won't see grandkids into their adulthood. If DSs follow in my footsteps, I'll be 72 when DS1 has his first, and if DS2 was to wait until the age I'm having him - 78. Yikes! I enjoy the blessing of children now and try and not think too far ahead. I think I'm a nicer mommy so they don't put me in a nursing home too, too early - LOL. All you can do is focus on the pros and joke about the cons - and that's all younger moms can do too because their are plenty of pros and cons to being a mom younger as well.
It's nice though - toddlers don't get the concept of age. When I'm feeling "old" I ask my 3 year old how old is mommy is - he says 19. Makes me feel young!
As soon as I turned 30 my doctor asked me.... "So, when are you planning to TTC?" I asked, "Huh, really?" She then said she knew I wanted kids and she said it would be better to find out where we stand fertility-wise while I am in my early 30s, rather than late 30s or 40s. So many couples end up so disappointed.
I told this story to a couple of my friends and they were MAD asking "how dare she?". But TBH, I was grateful. It showed she cared about my desires and wanted to help me meet my goals with as little heartbreak as possible.
Some women get lucky well into their 40s. Many do not. Hell, many 20 year olds struggle. Fertility is a funny thing.
I absolutely agree with you that fertility is a strange thing and not entirely dependent upon age. It seemed to me that many of the couples at the fertility clinic we attended were quite young (to my eye anyway) and so there simply are no guarantees.
When we talked to the fertility social worker, she specificially inquired about our ages and where we were at with that. For both myself and DH, we experienced the unexpected death of a parent at a young age. DH's father was 33 when he was killed in a car accident and my father died from cancer at age 39. I think it makes us both aware that life is fragile and does not necessarily follow norms. We have to be grateful for what we have now and enjoy, share all of each day with this LO, not expecting that there will always be another year or time to do it in.
You're right - in a way - age is just a number for some. Different people age at different rates biologically. I posted this on the AMA board a while back, but it's a study that suggests those women who can get pregnant later in life (closer to 40), have higher life expectancy (many into the 90's - of course you have to remove other factors that would cut life expectancy short like lifestyle, etc..) It's not that having a child later creates longevity, just that if you're able to conceive naturally later, it is more an indication of how you're aging biologically. Makes sense.
https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2014-06/bumc-rli062414.php