Insecure DH or SO?

blessdtxas · August 2014

So MH admitted to me last night that he was jealous of the bond that baby boy and I have already. He got upset because I can feel LO moving around, and he doesn't know where he fits in. He feels "awkward or silly" when talking to LO now. I told him that he will have a great bond with our son too. We are both first time parents. I think it's sweet, I know he is just so excited, but feeling left out a bit.

Anyone else have partners feeling a little insecure? STMs, any words of advice?

drmh22 · August 2014

My DH has said the same thing to me...that he is jealous that I can feel it and he can't. He's been saying this even before I could feel the baby. Now that I can, I tell him about it and sometimes he puts his hands on my stomach while I try to describe what it feels like. There's nothing we can do about this, but I make a big effort to make sure that he is involved with all the other stuff...picking out decor, furniture, etc. Researching things is his strong point so I'm leaving the research of car seats up to him. I'm just a FTM, but my advice is to find something that you 'couldn't do without him' and make a big deal of it.

QueenOfSpades622 · August 2014

My DH seems to be more insecure about what will happen with us after the baby comes. Don't get me wrong he is super happy and supportive and not acting selfish but he is super insecure of how our relationship will be impacted. His first wife shut him out and wouldn't talk to him about anything they were going through problem wise after the birth of their children so I believe this is where his come from.

blessdtxas · August 2014

aww thanks you guys! It's encouraging to hear how fast your SOs connected with your LO. I've heard that your fall in love with him all over again once you see him be a dad. I can't wait for that!

I think MH is starting to come around. He read to him the other night for the first time, then came home from a night out and asked if he could talk to LO. He got on his knees and told baby just how much he loved him. It was soo sweet. Heart = melted

@Queenofspades622 - I'd never even thought about that dynamic. I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through that due to his ex! This is a great opportunity for him to see how great of a relationship you guys have, and how much better a kid can make it!

krystrist2014 · August 2014

Not sure if this would help... but I make an effort every time I feel the baby move to tell him and to phrase it like this: "YOUR babygirl is moving around like crazy in there!" so he feels included... sometimes I also add something like "shes fidgety like her Daddy!" SO also seemed to feel a LOT more connected after he saw her himself during the anatomy scan... and I wasn't able to see the screen when they were doing it, so that was something I was actually jealous of him for! lol. because once they showed me she wasn't wiggling... just curled up in the fetal position.

krystrist2014 · August 2014

@Anna930 - Aw! So cute! My SO is protective like that too! Lol. Ever since the first trimester when I was nauseous and not able to eat much he always asks "Did you feed my kid yet today?!"

Definitely think referring to the baby as theirs helps them feel connected

Heidig14 · August 2014

My dh is mostly worried that he will not be a good dad. He had an awful relationship with his dad, and they don't speak, had a rough childhood. I keep trying to reassure him that since he learned from that experience he will know what not to do. But he constantly worries that she won't like him. I mean who doesn't worry about that though?

kimba1976 · August 2014

It's tough for the dads because we basically become moms from the moment we get the positive pregnancy test, but they don't really become dads until the baby is born. I think any worries your husband has are perfectly normal. My husband never actually expressed those concerns but he did tell me after our daughter was born that he wasn't sure that he'd "feel like a dad" right away because he didn't get to bond the way I did while pregnant. In reality, witnessing our daughter's birth, which only he was able to do, was such an emotional and powerful experience for him that I think it made up for all the kicks and squirms he didn't get to feel.

Beevol · August 2014

My husband was nervous and a touch envious when I was pregnant with our daughter - but by the time I was 9 months pregnant and her kicking was keeping *him* awake at night, he got over it a bit. He had some issues with BF too and was always wanting me to pump so he could feed the baby - I put my foot down (hard) on that one because pumping was miserable for me. Instead we made sure that he took time to sit and cuddle by himself with the baby and they bonded just fine.

I think it's normal for dads-to-be to feel awkward about their role - pregnancy is the weirdest thing we do with our bodies and it's a brand new situation. In terms of his fears about being a good dad, if it's possible, it could be helpful for him to see a counselor to talk through his issues with his dad and what that means for him as a father.

amedbery · August 2014

MH took a while to connect. I previously miscarried and I think he was afraid to get attached. I agree with PPs - just do everything to include him and remind him that the baby is his. I'm sure he will come around!

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