Seeking Advice... Auntie, Parents of Teens, or Foster Care moms

Re: Seeking Advice... Auntie, Parents of Teens, or Foster Care moms

• CaptainSerious member

  August 2014

  I am not a foster mom, but adopted two older children who had experienced trauma. The best resource I can suggest is the book Parenting the Hurt Child. Even if your neice never displays the intensity of the behaviors described in the book, the parenting techniques in it are invaluable. The book explains why children who have experienced trauma/broken homes behave the way they do, what their fears ate, and how you can help them heal and learn to trust you in time. But it will take time. One estimate I heard was that you can expect binding to take a month and a half for ever year old the child is. That was accurate for my older son, but my younger son took much longer because he had never really attached to anyone in his life.
  
  I'm hoping that you'll have to take classes through JFS. The will help prepare you for what you may go through. It's always worse than you expect, because the only way the child can trust that you will stick with them through everything is to push toy to your absolute limits. But I'd toy commit to the idea that backing away is not an option and you truly love her like your own flesh and blood, you can make our through, and it will be so worth it when you come out the other side. The live Mr sons give me is indescribable and the best thing in the world.
  
  The path is usually two steps forward, one step back, as they fear everytime they start to feel close to you. She will act or and push toy away and strain the relationships if everyone in the family and all your friends and acquaintances. I found it easiest to withdraw from most social aspects of life while we were going through the thick of it, mostly because I didn't have the energy to interact socially, but also because no one who hadn't been through it really understands and everyone, especially parents, feel qualified to give you advice. People will openly question why you let a 15 year old who's "old enough to know better" treat you the way you do. They will tell you all the ways they think your parenting sucks.You'll just have to remain strong on the conviction that she is not a typical teen and requires specialized parenting techniques and a lot of grace/forgiveness/understanding.
  
  A great book that describes how parenting a traumatized/hurt child affects the family is Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Additive and Foster Families. Not only did it really capture how I felt, I couldn't believe how openly the raw emotions I felt were being written about.
  
  The adoption board is a great resource. I have received so much support from the posters there, and you'll find some people who really understand what you are going through.

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• JoJoGee member

  August 2014

  Thanks for the book recs. I'm aware she will push us to the limit. DH and I actually went through the training to be, and actually were certified as foster parents a few years ago. Nothing ever came from it because Lily was born early and we didn't feel we could commit to another child at that time.

                         
  

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• CaptainSerious member

  August 2014

  Oh, as Auntie alluded, I believe therapy is essential in these situations.  For a 15 year-old, individual therapy is a must, but I also recommend a weekly family therapy session, so you have a safe place to discuss how each member of the family is perceiving the stressors and strategies to make everyone more comfortable and happy.

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• JoJoGee member

  August 2014

  -auntie- said:

  JoJoGee said:

  So, our 15 year old niece is coming to live with us. I'm not sure yet if JFS will have custody or if we will, but nonetheless, she will be coming to stay with us.

  
  

  I dearly, dearly hope you can fill in the holes and help this child. It sounds like you have some serious challenges ahead, I hope they are surmountable. I kind of like teenagers, they can be funny and engaging- I hope you get some of that.

  
  

   In the past 5 years she hasn't experienced a lot of stability. 

  
  

  So sad. You have that to offer. I'll be honest stability is important, but often people in the foster world oversell it as a cause for behavior.

  
  

  Is the ideal goal to get her to adult independence in your care or is it to get her on her feet and transition back to what was previously her home? What happens if this isn't workable? Have you and your DH discussed what is unacceptable and agreed on to pull the plug on this? Taking on a typical teen is like going from zero to 60 in a heartbeat- taking on a challenged and challenging one is going to require you to be 100% on the same page without the benefit of time to get there. 

  
  

  Mom has said she sees this as a long term placement - she doesn't want to change DN school again.  I'm unsure what JFS goals are, we will meet with them on Monday.  From our understanding, this is DN last stop before a group home.  It is hard to think that we may have to pull the plug when that is the alternative  - but you are right, it is something we should think about.

  
  

  She's been to 7 schools,

  
  

  Seven schools? Like military or corporate moves every couple years, or have the moves been mostly recently? Have the moves been a function of her parents moving her or has she been a discipline issue and moved by the schools to alternative sites? Where I live you don't see a lot of kids in alternative school at 14-15- it's mostly older high school aged kids.

  
  

  2 schools were the result of moves.  1 school was the result of getting older (moved from elementary to Jr. High).  The following year she tested into the high performing Jr. High / Sr. High in the area.  But, the year after that, she failed out of it and Mom has been scrambling to find the right placement for her ever since.

  
  

  FWIW, my niece who lives with me attended 5 different buildings in 3 districts for high school. It really impacted her educationally because many of the programs focused more on behavior than academics. This cost her a year of college since she had to do remedial work around math and composition before starting her required coursework.

  
  

   been in and out of the hospital psychiatric unit, been misdiagnosed time and again (everything has been thrown out there from bipolar disorder to ADHD), taken a rainbow of prescribed drugs, and spent 6 months in an in-treatment facility last year. 

  
  

  TBH, this scares me. On a lot of levels. I would urge you to talk with her last team about what is her current dxs and which ones have been R/O. I wouldn't assume that she's been mis-dxd but that she's been incompletely dxd. You need to know this. It's entirely possible that she has bipolar and ADHD. My sister and her younger DD have this combo.

  
  

  It almost sounds as if you and perhaps your DH are thinking along the lines that the dysfunction in her mental wellness is the result of bad parenting- that's probably not true. More likely the bad parenting is the consequence of mental illness that is revealing itself in the next generation. 

  
  

  I didn't mean to give that impression.  There is mental health issues in her families history (Dad has limited and supervised contact because of poor choices due to mental health issues).  I wouldn't be surprised if she does have an underlying mental health issue.  It is just that every professional they see seems to give a different dx, and so there is still no clear picture as to what is happening.  I don't think that is really anyone's fault, it just complicates things.

  
  

  I watched my two nieces deal with deplorable parenting that was toxic in ways I am just now realizing. The child who did not bring mental illness to this situation has some residual issues, but is largley OK. The one who didn't dodge the Russian Roulette that is her family pedigree is in prison. Again. A few years ago, my parents were wracked with guilt and agreed to take her in against my and her sister's advice. Within hours she was shooting heroine in the guest room, inviting unsavory people to the house and stealing my mother's jewelry. 

  
  

  I think perhaps my parents could have made a better go of things if they had been more willing to accept how troubled she was and worked from that premise rather than their wack-a-doodle 1950's nurture mindset.

  
  

  A 6 month in-patient psychiatric hospitalization is a huge red flag. These are crazy, crazy expensive and almost impossible to make happen. Since I know private insurers won't fund such a thing from the outset, I'll assume she is a ward of the state. I don't know a single kid to get that much tx time who isn't. I have one friend who lost custody of her DD over some trumped allegations and low level poor choices. Her DD was initially placed in a 2 week inpatient with 30-60 days to follow in a day tx program. She tried to kill herslef and was switched to a 60 day inpatient. 6 months indicates some scary stuff. You need to know what so you can anticipate it and have a plan to deal.

  
  

  She was a ward of the state at that time.  After treatment, she was returned home, but the state maintained custody.  The state gave custody back to her parents a few months later, but now things have escalated to where the state is seeking custody again.  But, I hear what you are saying here - there is probably more here we need to know about in order to give her the best possible support and have plan in place if and when sh** does hit the fan.

  
  

   JFS has been involved for some time now because the dynamics at home are toxic. And, it appears as if things have finally reached their breaking point (her mom has reached the point where she is willing to sign over custody without JFS).

  
  

  Define toxic. Is mom not capable of being an effective parent or is she just not effective with this child? Can you get her as a foster with a stipend for expenses? This might give you more resources and provide a level of support when things go south.

  
  

  Mom loves DN.  Mom wants nothing but the best for DN.  She has done a lot to pull together a team of professionals to assist her and DN.  But they have fallen into a pattern of bad interactions that no amount of individual or group therapy has been able to help.  DN reminds mom of her abusive ex, and mom has a hard time dealing with that.  My brother (DN step-dad) does not see why he needs to go to therapy and continues to place all the blame on DN.  And, DN knows exactly how to push her mom's buttons.  Part of the reason Mom is seeking an alternative living situation is because she recognize this current situation is not healthy for anyone and she only wants what is best for DN.

  
  

  Our hope (DH, Mom and me) is to keep mom in DN life (if JFS allows it) through regular phone calls, visits and regular family time. 

  
  

   My niece has an IEP we will be transferring and a therapist we hope to continue with. 

  
  

  Why does she have an IEP? Is she classified uner EBD or something else? 

  
  

  I assume EBD.  However, I have not had the opportunity to look it over.  I got it from her mom last night.

  
  

  Is the therapist a good one? I wonder if you should meet with this person ahead of time to come up with a plan for transitioning to your home and perhaps that should be where the discussison about "house rules" takes place.

  
  

  Honestly, I'm not sure if her therapist is good and more that I think about it, I don't know if we'll keep her.  Per Mom, DN and therapist have a good bond - so that is a big positive.  But, Mom has also told me that therapist  has told DN "I love you and I wish I could just take you home with me," which signals to me that the therapist is way too involved.  What do you think, auntie?  Keep and evaluate or dump right out?

  
  

  She has stayed with us hundreds of times so she knows how our household runs, and a few of our rules. She is a great cousin to Lily and DH and I have a good relationship with her. 

  
  

  This is a bright spot in all this. Let's hope that she can settle in and feel like a real part of your family. 

  
  

   Once she has her room in order, we'll be going over all of our expectations and house rules with her.

  
  

  I would reach out to her therapist about this. I would also talk with her docs about meds and what sort of expectations there are around medication. Is she allowed to manage her own drugs, or do you need to hold them and make sure she's actually swallowed them? I would also lock up any meds you have around the house and anything else of value.

  
  

  Good questions, thank you.  She has a med apt lined up for the beginning of September.  She's at the end of a med detox right now.

  
  

   I expect a honeymoon period, as she has expressed an interest in living with us for about a year now. Then, I expect chaos once she settles in and falls to pieces. What do you think I need to do / consider? What advice do you have for me?

  
  

  See above. I wish you a lot of luck. I hope you can help her turn things around and come to a place where you can enjoy having her. I would expect some rough going. With certain behavioral dxs, you can expect some testing and backsliding. 

  
  

  My niece who lives with me can sometimes be a little defensive if I say something she takes as a criticism. It's a form of manipulation common to kids from deprived backgrounds. LOL, Sunday I said something about how poorly she loads the dishwasher and she completely over-reacted as if I'd accused her of something that mattered. TBH, even as mentally well as she is, I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells. I think it's worth it. She's worth it. But at least now she knows how to load the dishwasher so things get clean.

  
  

  This is how I feel.

  
  

  Good luck. If anyone can do this, it's you. Just expect it to be really hard and messy at times. Sort of like all parenting.

  
  

  
  

                         
  

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• JoJoGee member

  August 2014

  fredalina said:

  
  
  But like Auntie said, push for the resources of being an officially licensed kinship placement with stipend because it comes with Medicaid...The state of course will try to make it a "safety plan" with no services but you should be able to kick back on that.

  Thank you! I knew something like this was available, but didn't know what it was called. The medicaid is what we are interested in as it will open up treatment opportunities that otherwise would be limited by our insurance and income.
  
  

                         
  

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• hopecounts member

  August 2014

  My parents did this for my cousin when she was 10, almost 11 due to parental neglect by her mom (Mom's SIL, uncle died when she was 4). For us it worked out pretty well with some  bumps along the way but a good family and individual therapist helped all of us work through those pretty successfully. 

  
  

  Sis did not have the additional issues your DN is dealing with but she had (and honestly to an extent still has) issues coming from the chaos of her early years. Definitely find her a good therapist and do some family sessions. 

  
  

  The therapist comment is a HUGE red flag. While it is important for a therapist and a young client to bond and for the kid/teen to feel comfortable talking the therapist should be firmly setting boundaries and be able/willing to say the hard stuff in an appropriate way to help the kid/teen see things they may not want to (owning responsibility for their mistakes, times when they put on rose colored glasses about things, etc) And it sounds like her current therapist may be too close to do that effectively.

  Best of luck to y'all.

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• hopecounts member

  August 2014

  fredalina said:

  Am I the only one who thinks the therapist comment was more likely wishful thinking by the teen and an effort to hurt mom than an actual comment from the actual therapist?

  The way OP phrased it I was reading it as something the Mom heard the therapist say.

  If I'm wrong and it is a comment from the teen then I wouldn't necessarily believe it and depending on how things go might stay with the therapist.

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• JoJoGee member

  August 2014

  Honestly don't know if mom overhead the comment or if it was fabrication on DN part. Another thing to investigate.

                         
  

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• macchiatto member

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  fredalina said:

  Am I the only one who thinks the therapist comment was more likely wishful thinking by the teen and an effort to hurt mom than an actual comment from the actual therapist?

  I was about to say the same thing. It would be worth keeping in mind and meeting with the therapist yourself before deciding whether to find a new one. (Disclosure: I'm not a parent of a teen or a foster mom, but I did one of my clinical counseling internships with DSS.)

  fraternal twin boys born january 2009

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