Work Shower - Vent (Long)

archi35 · August 2014

So, I work with just a few other Americans in an office of multi-national people. Baby showers are not often done ahead of when the baby is born here, moreso most Europeans (I'm told) do a party after the baby arrives. However for my one American friend/colleague, with whom I've worked for nearly 7 years, I threw her a little "work people baby shower" when her baby was born a year ago. I thought it was a cute thing to do from one American to another, and I know she really enjoyed the gesture. I also went to another that her non-work American friend threw for her out of the office at her house.

Recently she asked me a few odd questions about my remaining work schedule before my leave, and I assumed she was putting something together in return. Since she and I don't have the same group of professional friends, I asked another girl to check-in and see if the American needed help with the attendee list, so that I could feed a few more people without intruding or taking away from the "surprise".

Well the surprise I got, as if you can't tell already, is that the American isn't planning anything - not before or after. I mean look - I know showers are gestures and gifts and its not like I expect tit-for-tat on things. But when you're close with someone, you're one of four American's in an office, you did hers and went to a second one (with a second gift), its somewhat natural to assume she'd at least plan something - right? I'm actually offended (and I usually am pretty laid back about etiquette difference between people). She knows I don't know any other Americans here, and am not otherwise getting a shower. I talked to her a while ago about how at first I was a little upset, but then got over not having a shower with my gf's back home since of course we choose to live here instead. I feel like this is going to effect our friendship now though since I can't understand how she has planned effing nothing at all, full stop period.

Am I being fully selfish or do I have a right to be a little wtf about this situation? This is the first time I've felt like really crying in the middle of the work day so far

Thanks for listening to me vent.

angeltennis3 · August 2014

I think it is perfectly ok to be disappointed. You are a human being and we can't be perfect all of the time, but I would try really hard not to let this affect your friendship. Sometimes you just don't know what other people have going on in their lives that prevents them from hosting a shower. It doesn't have to be money related, either.

I am sorry you had a rough time with this, though. I would feel the same way you do so you absolutely should not feel bad or selfish for having those feelings.

archi35 · August 2014

angeltennis3 said:
I think it is perfectly ok to be disappointed. You are a human being and we can't be perfect all of the time, but I would try really hard not to let this affect your friendship. Sometimes you just don't know what other people have going on in their lives that prevents them from hosting a shower. It doesn't have to be money related, either. I am sorry you had a rough time with this, though. I would feel the same way you do so you absolutely should not feel bad or selfish for having those feelings.

^^ Thanks Due Date Buddy - I appreciate you reading my novel

I guess what really pisses me off is: 1) the reaction of "oh no I wasn't planning anything" not "oh shit I forgot" or "yeah we should do something" - just "oh no, I hadn't thought of it". 2) that since its a work thing she's not hosting but just organizing a day, time, food, collection of money (if that) and a list of people. Its an in office thing which takes like 20 minutes to figure out. Its apparently too much for her though it seems, and not even something she thought of.

I guess everyone is different but its going to be a struggle to not have this change my opinion of our friendship and of her in general. Its not about the work shower, its about her reaction as if it hadn't crossed her mind.

Lele74 · August 2014

I bet I'd be a bit miffed too. But don't let it mess with your friendship. Like pp, there may be something else going on for her.
Have one cry over it and let it go. She still might surprise you!

MuffinMom14 · August 2014

If this ruins your friendship, your friendship wasn't worth having to begin with.

Not everyone gets showers. I realize your feelings might be hurt, but you can't force her to do it.

And just a thought, maybe she REALLY wants this to be a surprise and this is part of the gag? So, just let it go. She also might be there for you in more important ways, like after the baby is born. Not everything has to be "you did this, so I will do that back for you."

Saragoeswest · August 2014

I think my feelings would be hurt, too, but since you can't expect a shower to be thrown for you I think you need to let it roll off your back and maintain the friendship. It probably wasn't the best idea for you to have another person check on the status of the party so you could help. That sounds like something I would be tempted to do too.

bumpuser10309732 · August 2014

I'm sorry that she hasn't thought to do anything for you in return, that's disappointing. It sounds like maybe you got your hopes and had all these expectations and were let down by your expectation. Like PP said maybe she will be there for you in other ways. It's also possible that they're going to do it the European way and wait until your baby is here. I wouldn't get so worked up about it quite yet. I just want to say that with friends, it's a hell of a lot easier to not have expectations therefore there's no disappointment. Then again maybe I just have friends who suck!

vrj0522 · August 2014

The fact that you sent someone to "help" with the shower shows how much you were already assuming and expecting that your co-worker would throw one for you and that's probably why you are so disappointed. At the same time, it's not her fault that you were expecting this and as a result are now feeling offended. I can see why you feel the way you do, but I think you need to let it go and not focus on the fact that you threw her a shower last year. It sounds like you already know that it shouldn't be "I do this for you so you do something back for me". You might just need a few days to feel better but seriously, let it go.

lrobi13 · August 2014

I understand why you are disappointed. I had a small taste of that when nobody seemed to be doing anything for me (of course I just got married in April 2013 so I did feel like I have had my life choices celebrated recently).

I like to be the friend that does things for others and like having friends that do the same for me but not everyone operates that way and it is not worth ending the friendship.

What you did for her was wonderful and that will never change. It is a shame that she won't do the same for you (even after you expressed your feelings).

This being said by the woman that is currently a little miffed at her bff for bailing on a movie date last minute!

You have a right to feel your feelings but don't let it become something that defines this time in your life. And big American hugs because you are missing that right now~

Jennifer18131 · August 2014

If my friendships ended because I didn't throw a shower for my friends, I would have VERY few friends. Life gets in the way sometimes and some people are just not party planners/hosts.

pnwlover12 · August 2014

I think the 'friendship ending' bit is too much. I get that it sucks not having a shower, but sometimes you just gotta keep it movin and not sweat the small stuff.

MrsSarahRenee · August 2014

Yeah I echo pp. I get being disappointed but not enough to let it get in the way of your friendship. Unless you feel she is being unsupportive in other ways too?
I like what @spurp13 about her being there for you in ways after baby is born. She has BTDT so she could be really great then.

ADH0906 · August 2014

I can understand that you're disappointed, but I feel like it was a bit presumptuous to send her a helper before you knew that she was hosting something.

JessAnnJ · August 2014

OP I totally understand how you feel. You went out of your way for someone and now they have a chance to do the same for you and as far as you know they are not doing so. Yeah, you didn't do it for her expecting something in return but it's hard not to feel like the friendship isn't reciprocated when she didn't think to do the same thing for you. It's human nature.

archi35 · August 2014

JessAnnJ said:

OP I totally understand how you feel. You went out of your way for someone and now they have a chance to do the same for you and as far as you know they are not doing so. Yeah, you didn't do it for her expecting something in return but it's hard not to feel like the friendship isn't reciprocated when she didn't think to do the same thing for you. It's human nature.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about it now. Thanks very much to everyone for the various opinions. I took all of them in, and spoke with my husband last night,a s well as my BF in the States. The thing of of it is, it does suck when you think the friendship is one thing and then it turns out to be another. Its not about the shower, its about a lot of small things over time and I flamed up about this because I've been having a rough time in general these days. There was no way to think she wasn't planning something based on her comments to me over time, and the bond I thought we had as the two American women having babies here. You miss a lot being abroad and we discuss those difficulties a lot.

It's not and was never about the shower - it was about the 180 change in direction and the woman's reaction to the girl who asked. It wasn't as if she'd forgotten, gotten busy, had shit going on - she just straight up hadn't thought to do it. Certainly not as dramatic as my new-found 29 week waves of hormones felt yesterday :P but still valid in a much more "file it for later" kind of way.

I do appreciate being able to vent though and hear your voices (albeit read your voices). This kind of forum is really really nice for someone overseas. Its nice to hear, in your native language even sometimes, constructive criticism and/or support. When you're upset you don't always feel like translating and thinking too hard - haha.

Kisses!!!

kristine1989 · August 2014

Maybe it's going to be a surprise? Only time will tell.

Ann488 · August 2014

No way! I'd be mad too!!! Its not even the fact that you're one of four Americans in the office, its the fact that its blatantly obvious by now that you're having a baby and having a small party is just common... And common sense. Five minutes for them to send a mass email that says something like "please join us for a small shower honoring (you). It would be appreciated if everyone could attend. RSVP to this email"... With a list of suggestions for gifts. Not hard. If she simply forgot, fine. How do you forget another woman in your workplace that threw you a shower...? But... OK. Or maybe she didn't have the funds. Between all of your coworkers though, something nice could ne done. So sorry you're having a rough time. I'd feel angry too. Hope that maybe they are planning a surprise for you and you just don't know it yet

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