Frustrations...

KezziRiv · July 2014

Good Morning all,

I've been largely quiet in the group since I am somewhat overwhelmed and don't have a ton to offer in terms of knowledge since we've only been in this crazy world since Feb.

A quick recap; we were matched very fast with a young couple pregnant with their second child due early september. We like the couple very much and often go to dinner or lunch withe them. Odds of the EM delivering early are SUPER high between her first pregnancy delivering at 37 weeks, having less than 3 months betweens pregnancies and the baby is now larger than her first child was at delivery ( also, we don't know exactly when she got pregnant making this a crazy pants guessing game).

Our agency originally suggested that we would pay for housing for the couple since they are not in a good situation currently. The couple( the kids as we call them) dragged their feet since they felt strongly that they wanted to find something sustainable for themselves past our support. Their SW is just not doing a great job, in my opinion and maybe that's just because I want to do the job. They have found a place that seems to be kind of expensive for them and then there was just an entire debacle about how to get the money to the agency and then to the kids in time to make the deposit and then the first months rent. The SW is just seeming to make things more challenging for the kids. I won't go into the nitty gritty details because there are many and its a fiasco BUT I am just wondering,

How do you deal with the feelings of wanting to care for the EM and not being allowed to by law? Her boyfriends mom took all her maternity clothes so she is stuck in jeans in 95 degree weather, her phone is broken, they don't have a bank account, the truck they drive only seats 2 so when they all come to doctors appointments EM has to sit on the center console so the baby can sit in the passenger seat. I mean, i just want to FIX IT! But EM is 17 and its a conflict of interest and i get that….UGHHHHHHH.

thoughts? experiences?

thank you

maryoosa · July 2014

Wow. That's a lot. Unfortunately, if you are working with an agency you need to keep working through the agency, I'd think. What state are you in? What are the laws around expectant parent expenses in your state? In my state, we were permitted to provide support for housing, maternity clothing, pregnancy related transportation, etc.

Dr.Loretta · July 2014

I don't have experience, but my first thought is that I'd be all over the SW as much as possible so the agency could do as much as they were allowed to do.

CarolinaGirl2014 · August 2014

First, it warms my heart to see how much you obviously care for EM, not just because she may be trusting you to be her child's Mom. I second PP that you may want to harass the SW. Tell SW that you feel he/she isn't doing their best to support the EM, which is his/her job. I had this problem and when I bluntly tackled it like that, things changed. I think it's important to set that precedent because in my experience a slack SW now can equate to a slack SW after placement. I was bold enough to tell them that they were slacking again after placement and made me feel that I had given them what they wanted (baby for their waiting family and lots of money for them) so they were done with me. After that, SW at least made an effort to check in on me and find me some support. Not all BM's are that bold, so I can certainly see the benefit in you speaking out now.

I know A's mom felt the need to take care of me, and I like to think I took care of myself pretty well. Since you are close, could you take EM to doctor's appointments? As for the other things, could you ask the SW if it would be acceptable to help them find a place/shop for some clothes but of course do all the financial parts through the agency? A's mom helped me figure stuff out like supplements and health stuff like a friend would, but we were careful that she never paid for things. I only suggest this because it seems like you are as close as we were.

KezziRiv · August 2014

Thank you guys for the responses!

The situation has continued to be ridiculous and @CarlinaGirl2014 I have decided to take things into my own hands. Our EM is wonderful and strong but also tends to be shy when faced with "adults". I called the agency up and said basically that I was going to drive out there and pick up the check for the EP and drive it to them, then take them both to the bank to open a bank account. I just want someone to be there for them and help them in a way that will help them long term. I know that is what I do on the daily ( I teach alternative high school) but it doesn't seem like rocket science.

Their SW is designated to just them so I actually am not supposed to interact with her at all. I did text her a bunch on Friday to make sure the apartment business was being handled( it wasn't) and now she in vacation this week.

SIGH

I guess for now, I'll just approach it like I would with a student and make sure that any $$ is carefully handled through the agency.

CarolinaGirl2014 · August 2014

@KezziRiv I think that's a great idea. The agency knows what is happening, your EM is being taken care of, and you finally get some resolution. Also, your EM is so lucky that she chose you! Good luck and keep us updated, please! We "broke the rules" a lot but followed careful protocol with money and it worked beautifully for us.

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