Marriage relationship after kids

littlemurphy2912 · July 2014

Has anyone's marriage changed slightly, completely, or drastically since having one baby or more than one baby? I have an almost 2 year old and my hubby and I are thinking about baby #2 and I just want to make sure our marriage will be strong regardless if we have baby #2 or more after that. Our marriage has changed slightly since having our DD but I just wonder if anyone has had any problems after having one kid or many kids. Thanks!

RedDDD · July 2014

We recently talked about what our marriage would be like had we decided not to have kids or decided to just have one.....and it would be different. We have had a lot of struggles more so when #2 came just because there really is NO time for each other and we are always running. It has started to get easier now that our youngest is almost 1 but that first year with 2U2 was rough on everyone. I feel like we are just now starting to get our marriage back but it takes more work then it used to. You have to make a conscious effort to focus on it or you get lost in day care, bills, careers, family, home, dishes, laundry...next thing you know your marriage has totally taken a back seat. So for me personally having the one kid was one thing but when we went from one to two it rocked our world and now we make sure to check in with each other and get babysitters so we can at least go and have dinner by ourselves to reconnect.

ashiscute · July 2014

I think everyone's relationship changes when they have kids and again after each kid. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I have 2 under 2 as well (19.5 mos apart) and I actually think our relationship changed for the better after #2 was born. Partly because with 2 babies there was lots of work and both of us were doing something. When DD was born I was doing most of her care and I resented DH and DD for that a bit. When DS came along DH was already a pro with newborns and toddlers alike and it was easier for him to help. And I was so grateful for that. I needed his help more and he knew that and readily gave it.

And now that my LOs are older (3.5, 22 mos) they play together so well that DH and I have plenty of time for us because the kids entertain each other. Obviously, everyone is going to have experience but for me having 2 was a great change. So much so that I'm very much hoping to have #3.

littlemurphy2912 · July 2014

Thank you all for your stories of how you are all dealing with it! If this is too personal of a question, then please don't answer it. Has the intimacy in your marriage gone down hill any? :-/

shannm · July 2014

I think we have both become better people and our relationship has matured in a good way. We are more 50/50 now after having two kids.

ladylisalt · July 2014

RedDDD said:

We recently talked about what our marriage would be like had we decided not to have kids or decided to just have one.....and it would be different. We have had a lot of struggles more so when #2 came just because there really is NO time for each other and we are always running. It has started to get easier now that our youngest is almost 1 but that first year with 2U2 was rough on everyone. I feel like we are just now starting to get our marriage back but it takes more work then it used to. You have to make a conscious effort to focus on it or you get lost in day care, bills, careers, family, home, dishes, laundry...next thing you know your marriage has totally taken a back seat. So for me personally having the one kid was one thing but when we went from one to two it rocked our world and now we make sure to check in with each other and get babysitters so we can at least go and have dinner by ourselves to reconnect.

This will be my life soon. I can totally see this happening. Thanks for sharing. I feel like these struggles happen with 1 never mind more. I can see it getting easier but you just hope its not to late to keep your marriage sane.

ladylisalt · July 2014

Nicb13 said:

Thank you all for your stories of how you are all dealing with it! If this is too personal of a question, then please don't answer it. Has the intimacy in your marriage gone down hill any? :-/
During pregnancy...yes, otherwise no. Before I got pregnant with #2, We would make it a point to have drinks together a couple nights a week after DS went to bed, just at home, while listening to music. It helped us stay connected and have some alone time since we don't go out as much as we used to pre-kids. We enjoy being around each other already so we stay conscious of that and work to stay connected romantically. That part is hard because we are so busy but we never forget to work on it.

Thats great that you do this. Kind of jealous in a way. My DS goes to bed around the time DH does, since DH gets up so early. So we rarely have alone time unless its a Sunday and DS is napping. Sorta of sad but we have accepted it.

shannm · July 2014

littlemurphy2912 said:
Thank you all for your stories of how you are all dealing with it! If this is too personal of a question, then please don't answer it. Has the intimacy in your marriage gone down hill any? :-/

I think trying for our second (a year) actually helped. We were forced to make time and had fun with it. Now I am sure DH would like it more but we are still on the same page and communicate well enough to deal with issues that arise in that area.

littlemurphy2912 · July 2014

Thanks again for your stories ladies! Unfortunately ever since having our DD our intimacy has gone a bit more down hill and that's mainly my fault. I get wrapped up into working, taking care of DD when I get home, taking care of the finances, always cleaning, doing laundry. That part of my marriage in my mind set has taken a seat on the backburner and I feel awful saying that and being that way for my DH. It sucks and I am trying to figure out a solution to it because DH deserves to have it and I hate being the one that says no or doesn't show interest. I am still attracted to him and love him with all my heart and can't imagine being with anyone else but it's just not as important to me as it used to be many years ago. Maybe I have too much on my plate that I am taking care of, I am not sure. But thanks again for your stories...wasn't sure if I was the only one that was this way.

Leap08 · July 2014

Going from 0 to 1 was much harder on us and on our relationship than going from 1 to 2 was. I know that isn't true for everyone, but it was for us. MH and I were together for almost 10 years before we had kids and I think it was a shock to us (our relationship) to have a baby. DD1 was also a really fussy newborn and she ate every 2 hours (breastfed) for the first few months of her life, even over night. I was so exhausted. We started to be very snippy with each other. I think it took about 5-6 months before things kind of leveled off and we started to act more "normal". DD2 was a much better sleeper and eater than DD1, and we were better prepared for the newborn stage so I think we acted much more as a team after she was born. And now, that the kids are older and play better together, I think MH and I are in a really good place. We make more time to go out together and try to spend more time together at home when the kids are asleep. I think we are much closer now than we were 4 years ago.

littlemurphy2912 · July 2014

Nicb13 said:

littlemurphy2912 said:

Thanks again for your stories ladies! Unfortunately ever since having our DD our intimacy has gone a bit more down hill and that's mainly my fault. I get wrapped up into working, taking care of DD when I get home, taking care of the finances, always cleaning, doing laundry. That part of my marriage in my mind set has taken a seat on the backburner and I feel awful saying that and being that way for my DH. It sucks and I am trying to figure out a solution to it because DH deserves to have it and I hate being the one that says no or doesn't show interest. I am still attracted to him and love him with all my heart and can't imagine being with anyone else but it's just not as important to me as it used to be many years ago. Maybe I have too much on my plate that I am taking care of, I am not sure. But thanks again for your stories...wasn't sure if I was the only one that was this way.

You are definitely not alone. Sex takes a back burner for me as well because I'm just too busy, or too tired so that's why I try to make a conscious effort to 1) realize that I do this and 2) DO something about it! Hence the nights alone together after DS goes to bed. Wine helps a lot too

HAHAHA! I LOVED the last part of your response! So true and you're right! I need to just quit making excuses and trying to avoid it and just get on with it and not think so much about it because then I just hate myself even more for not doing it.

RedDDD · July 2014

Sex takes a major back seat just due to being so tired. But I agree you sort have to just jump back on the horse

cedenton · July 2014

We are one and done for a lot of reasons, but partially because I'm not sure our marriage would survive another newborn. It's tied in to finances and PPD, but it's definitely a factor.

morganlmw · August 2014

If you can afford counseling at least every other week I suggest it. My DH and I don't have any major marriage issues. We struggle with intimacy because we have a 2 year old. We are both career minded as well. Just talking about things with a professional once a week as been great. Plus that's one hour a week completely devoted to our marriage. I usually take a long lunch from work and we have a kid free lunch as well

good luck

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