Help?

Twiggymommy · July 2014

Hey everyone,
I have a 3 year old and a 7 week old and for the first few weeks ds1 was super excited to help out with the baby, not that he could do much to help but I let him do little things like get me a diaper or find his brothers passies when they magically disappear...
I try to give him the same amount of attention as always (he has abandonment issues due to his birth mother leaving when he was very small) but the past few weeks he has gotten increasing aggressive toward and /or jealous of the baby, my breaking point was today I had the baby on the floor for tummy time and they were "playing" pretty well so got up to make lunch for me and ds1 (the kitchen and living room are pretty much one big room) and all of a sudden ds1 starts swinging his little guitar around like he was going to hit the baby.

I snapped and snatched it out of his hand and told him not to swing things around his brother and he looked at me with a straight face and said "but I don't want him anymore I want him to go away now"

When so got home I told him and he was a little upset but kinda laughed it off. He still had a few words with him about why he couldn't do things like that but I don't think he really understands it, he works long hours so he rarely sees the kids interact with each other mean while I'm at home with them and have been noticing this downward spiral for about 3 weeks.

What should I do with ds1? I already decide to not put ds2 down for tummy time until ds1 is in for his naps (at least for now) , but I feel like they still should still interact with each other. I mean, they're kinda stuck with each other..

Andrewsgal · July 2014

Honestly it sounds like typical behavior. I wouldn't leave them alone together, but also don't freak out too much. Both of my kids have wanted to get rid of their younger siblings at some point.

littlemermaid · July 2014

Him not wanting his sibling to stay any longer is totally normal. My son asked after a week when his sister was leaving. His behavior sounds like a typical 3 year old. I never left my son(who was almost 3 at the time) alone with the baby.

Aussie45 · July 2014

I remember when I was 10, my mom had just had my brother and I went into her room crying asking if we could get rid of him lol. I think it's normal for older siblings who were originally an only child to have trouble adjusting to 'sharing' their parents, even if they get attention KWIM?

I like what others suggested. Just don't leave them alone unsupervised. I wouldn't go so far as to say that you can't ever put your new LO down when your toddler is up, but make sure you're right there to make sure the baby doesn't get stepped on or accidentally hurt from your DS playing.

Overall, it sounds like pretty typical toddler behavior. If you really do feel like this behavior stems from his abandonment issues, then I would maybe look into him seeing a therapist who specifically deals with kids.

bumpuser8448316 · July 2014

Even though DS was never purposely aggressive with his baby sister I never left them alone. If I had to leave the room I took one of them with me. We had jealousy issues but they never manifested in aggression toward the baby.

I found it was really important to sometimes let the baby cry and tend to DS. She'll never remember tha she had to wait while we finished our book before she got to eat, but he would remember always having to wait while I tended to the baby. It helped him to see her have to wait and not feel like she was more important than him. Also asking sure I carved time out for just him and I. When the baby is napping it's so tempting to catch up on laundry, cleaning etc but sitting down with DS and having one on one time was so valuable, especially in those early days.

It's easy to forget how hard it can be for little ones to adjust to having a new sibling. After trying to discipline DS for the issues we had been having, I found that speaking more gently, giving him one on one time and putting him first sometimes were much more effective methods of getting him to knock it off

Twiggymommy · July 2014

Thanks everyone!
Just for clarification, the living room and kitchen are attached and I was maybe 10 feet away when this happened. The boys are almost never out of my sight.

Currently we don't have ds1 in any therapy we have been talking about it for about3 weeks when we had to pick him up early from his first day at camp (we thought it might have been good for him and we honestly thought he would love it but he just screamed from the moment he got on the bus. We had no clue until we got the call) I'm not sure if he'll even respond to it well, but if it'll help him it's worth a try.

Also, his birth mom left so for a "sugar daddy" when she was still pregnant, gave up the baby to so when he was 2 months old buy was still kinda in his life until he was 8 months old. By that time I was pretty much mommy any way so we didn't think it would really affect him too much but every time his dad leaves for work he has to promise ds that he will be back or ds will have a melt down half way through the day thinking he's never coming back. He won't sleep in his own room because "what if I never see you again when I wake up"

Twiggymommy · August 2014

Thanks again guys! Just an update for yall:

Last night ds1 went a little nuts and I'm not gonna go into detail but that God so was right there because he could have seriously hurt the baby . we're not sure if it was intentional or not but We will be calling therapist in Monday and hopefully get him in for his first session by the end of the week. I almost feel like a failure but knowing that at least part of this is normal helps a lot. Thank yall.

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