NMWR: parents with mental health issues

potbellypig · August 2014

I am having an ongoing issue with my mom and I'm wondering if anyone here has advice.

My mom is a 55 y/o kindergarten teacher near retirement. Her dad died when she was 12 and she mentioned getting raped once (I never asked for details). Long story short, when we were young my mom was basically mentally crippled/stunted and unable to mother us properly. She didn't make meals, do laundry, clean etc; when I discuss it with my few confidants, they say it was neglect. She always said she was too tired to do those things, blamed her job, us (her three kids), whatever. Then she found out she had a thyroid problem (which would explain the fatigue), got a prescription and never took it. She continues to basically be totally checked out of life. She doesn't have friends, hobbies, watch tv shows/read books etc. She needs help (counselling/meds) to deal with her past but doesn't seek it out nor does she appear to want to improve her lack of zest for life.

She also has a self-esteem type issue, where she needs constant praise for anything she actually DOES do and is very sensitive. I have brought up depression before but she brushes it off. It's getting harder to maintain a relationship with her because she has nothing to contribute (due to lack of hobbies, motivation). She is also can't multitask, is somewhat delusional, hypochondriac, has anxiety and lacks motivation.

Two questions:

1) If you can relate somehow, how do you deal with your emotions around this? How do you deal with the disappointment of not having the parent you wish you had and how do you deal with the frustration of them not wanting to get better? I'm frustrated but obviously don't want to bring it up (although I have in the past) because I don't want her to feel bad.

2) How do I go forward? Do I make a suggestion about seeing a dr? Do I let it go and accept it? I love her, but the frustration is getting to me and like I mentioned I don't know how to carry a relationship forward with someone who doesn't have anything to contribute. I don't want to mother her - I had enough of being the mother to my siblings when she was sleeping on the couch everyday when I was a teen.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

My mom had mental health issues while I was growing up (undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder) and was borderline abusive, at least by today's standards. Think, locking us in a dark bathroom with no windows or lighting (well there were lights, but we couldn't reach them) when we misbehaved. Or locking us in the car in the parking lot (supervised) if we acted up. Also there was lots of slapping etc. Well eventually for whatever reason she decided to get help, but shortly before our wedding, she decided to stop taking her meds and was threatening suicide, not eating, etc. It got to the point where she was making really cryptic comments that made me think she was actually going to end her life. She refused help and medications. My dad was afraid to set her off by pushing the issue. My younger sister was still in college. Ultimately I had to call the local police department and tell them she was a suicide risk and they picked her up, kicking and screaming, and dragged her to a hospital where she stayed for a week on an involuntary commitment basis. Initially she refused all my calls and was so angry I thought we would never speak again, but she came around and to this day, thanks me for saving her life.

Your situation is different. Unfortunately, without your mom being a danger to herself, there's little/nothing you can do. My mom wouldn't accept help when we were younger until SHE decided to get help. And I couldn't force her to get help the second time until she was actually a suicide risk. I think the first step is accepting that you can't fix this problem. You can make suggestions and encourage that she get help but you can't force someone to seek treatment unless they are a danger to themselves or others. Which sucks but it's true. I think once you accept that it's out of your hands for now, it's easier. My situation was different because the time frame when I couldn't force my mom to seek treatment, I was a kid and lived at home. When I was an adult and she had the same problem, I was able to force the commitment. You're an adult living your own life but not able to force her to seek treatment. I think the best you can do is just continue to be there for her and be supportive to the extent it doesn't make you miserable. Either she will get help eventually and things may improve, or she won't. However, that's not on you. I think it will be easier to accept if you realize it's out it your hands. The same way if she had advanced cancer you would t be kicking yourself for not being able to fix it, the same goes here. It's a disease and it can't be fixed unless the person seeks help for themselves. It's a harsh reality but true unfortunately.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

shannm · August 2014

My situation is not as severe but my dad has chronic health issues and an anxiety disorder.
They have completely changed his lifestyle in the last seven years. He is depressed, in pain, sedentary,etc..
There are obvious steps that he can take to better his situation. Every year, he talks a big game and then never follows through. Or he gets to a certain point and then doesn't complete the plan (ie. like a crucial surgery). Or he decides to change his med instructions based on something he heard at the coffee shop. or complains about constipation from the meds but won't eat more fiber. Then a year goes by and we do it all over again. DH and I put in the effort every time and our hearts just break when he doesn't follow through because we know that it would give him a happier life.
I have been dealing with it by avoidance, out of sight, out of mind. I know, not good for anyone. But now, we are getting to the point where he and my mom will be more dependent on us even more and I can't ignore it. The last time we visited, he once again said this was the year, cried to my DH, asking for his advice ( he is an md).

And there are serious financial issues intertwined into the mix.

Not only do I struggle with how to help him, I have to deal with the guilt that I have about the dream of just throwing my hands up and telling him that he made his bed, now lie in it.

Ugh. I have no advice but you are not alone. I hope someone here has some amazing wisdom for you. I think it is a good idea to seek professional advice. Even if it is just a few sessions to talk through it.

lorist202 · August 2014

wife07mom09 said:
you have to grieve. Grieve the loss of the childhood/mother you did not have. The resolution or end part of grief is acceptance. You cannot change her. She does not desire your opinion. That's tough.

I'd suggest keeping strict boundaries and being clear in expectations.

I'd also suggest seeing a counselor to help you work through the grief. I'm sorry for the stress you are dealing with.

This is right on. My parents have bipolar/ depression issues that I only became aware of as an adult when I woke up one day needing love and giudance, and apparently, they had too many of their own problems. I grieved for many, many years and it caused my own very severe depression. Please don't let this happen to you. In short, you have to relate to your mom in a new way. I'm sorry you have to experience this.

kikimeemee · August 2014

Oh, mental illness...

My dad and sister are both mentally ill and I'm sorry to report they never seem to improve. I have no memories of my dad having a sound mind, but my mom swears otherwise. Now my younger sister who's in her late twenties has grown into a nightmare and is nearly impossible to deal with. Neither is medicated, mind you, bc they feel no need to seek medical attention or only do for a small period of time and quit.

Telling them they need help has been successful maybe 10% of the time. I'm now married, having a baby so they don't cross my path do much anymore like when I lived with them growing up. I allow myself to focus on my new family (hubby and to-be baby) bc it's where I should be spending my energy.

The women above who said to set healthy boundaries, grieve 'loss' of family member, seek therapy, etc is what I would say too. It's s lifelong process for me and after five years I had a therapist tell me, "your dad will probably never get better" when I questioned and pushed for an answer. It was so liberating to hear that (and obviously sad!!!) but knowing I could personally not help cure my dad meant I could use that wasted energy on healing from his pain instead.

I'm in awe that your mom can hold a job down. My dad was in sales and then started his own business so he didn't have to follow anyone's rules, but my twenty something sister has yet to keep a job longer than 2 weeks before she quits bc she "can't handle all the stimulation" at any job and gets mad she "can't eat her snacks every two hours" while at some jobs.

I'm so sorry for your pain. It seems many of us on here can relate to you.

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