FTM pregnant, father has Aspergers

ashpie623 · July 2014

I'm 16 weeks preg, single, the baby's dad has Aspergers and I believe his mother is ASD, as well as his uncle. My OB is referring me for genetic counseling. I'm nervous because the results can't really "prove" anything- as far as I know there's not an autism gene. Did anyone get this testing done and find out their child developed differently than expected?

typeset · July 2014

My older son has ASD. We share a microduplication in a region associated with ASD and a slew of other disorders--but do not share a Dx (despite my quirks). We did genetic counseling with this pregnancy. The risk for the baby was 50% chance of inheriting the mutation and only 10-15% of having ASD. Per our pediatric psychiatric geneticist and my OB, unless we were entertaining the idea of termination, there was no reason to do an amnio or run a CMA on the baby prior to seeing flags. They just don't have enough information yet.

ashpie623 · July 2014

Thank you that's so helpful. I've questioned what good can come from knowing before the child has a chance to develop. I know with ASD, or most disorders really, that the environment influences how the genes are expressed. The father is undiagnosed or at least his long term therapist doesn't tell him this diagnosis (very surprising when to me it seems particularly obvious. I do have a background in clinical psychology and that might make it more apparent though). Anyways it is reassuring to know from others that they have seen variance across children who had similar results from one of these tests. The other concerns I have are about the fathers parenting abilities - I've read some articles about challenges parents with ASD face. I'm sure this differs greatly across individuals too though.

newbee36 · July 2014

I just want to wish you luck. I don't think there is a way to know if your kid will have ASD. Hack, it is hard to know even when the kid is born and is 1 or 2 or even 3 years old!

I want to address your concerns about the parenting skills of an ASD father. We suspect DH has some form of ASD. At this point, after researching so much, and after receiving an ASD diagnosis for DS, is too obvious, and DH himself believes he has ASD. Explains lots of the difficulties he's had for all of his life. DH is a phenomenal father! I couldn't have asked for a better father for my son. Determined, devoted. Often lacks intuition and common sense, but he is so loving and caring, and thoughtful when it comes to his child. He keeps reading books on raising a child...

Unknown · July 2014

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typeset · July 2014

-auntie- said: Anecdotally, a surprising number of moms I know whith kids who have Aspergers or HFA dxs seem to have autoimmune diseases. We once did a poll on hypothyroidism on one of my old forums and were shocked at the number of us on Synthroid.

+1

Unknown · July 2014

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Unknown · July 2014

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ashpie623 · August 2014

In reading these comments, again I have to express thanks because it has been a real challenge bearing the emotions and fear without a partner. The baby's father is someone I dated briefly before becoming pregnant, and ended the relationship due to issues I now see as being linked to his Aspergers. I am very confident that he meets diagnostic criteria. That said, it might be a strategy of some sort on the part of his therapist that he has never been told this diagnosis. He wanted me to abort and pressed that issue for some time. I'm 4 months+ now and for the duration of the pregnancy I tried to be patient with our communication failings and his frustrating tendencies to see what potential there was for a relationship w my baby's father. He was deceitful and actively tried to hook up with other girls while we were dating, so I pretty much ex-communicated him. He also told several people things about me that made me feel attacked and disrespected, such as accusing me I setting this whole pregnancy up. Anyways I'm going into much detail but the point is, there are Aspergers issues and possibly asshole issues too as someone pointed out a possibility for

how fun for me... I'm not worried at all that I can raise my child no matter what the struggles might be. I worried about having to share my parenting with someone I fear might not be equipped with the skills to do this. I believe he had a good heart but he behaves selfishly and can have quite the narrow perspective. I'm leaning towards getting the testing to perhaps help if a court dispute arises over custody in the future. I think a child with special needs might be given more careful attention by a judge when it comes to determining best interest of the child.

macchiatto · August 2014

typeset said:

-auntie- said: Anecdotally, a surprising number of moms I know whith kids who have Aspergers or HFA dxs seem to have autoimmune diseases. We once did a poll on hypothyroidism on one of my old forums and were shocked at the number of us on Synthroid.

+1

Fascinating! DS doesn't have a definite ASD Dx yet, but I have an autoimmune disease (MS). I had asked my MS specialist and DS's neuro and maybe his devel pedi if there was any possible relationship between my MS and DS's various issues ... since it struck me as a bit of a coincidence that my then-4y/o and I both saw neurologists--and they all said no. Based on the anecdotal evidence, sounds like further study might be warranted?

OP, I don't have advice for you but I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I can understand your concerns.

hopecounts · August 2014

AA0417 said:

macchiatto said:

typeset said:

-auntie- said: Anecdotally, a surprising number of moms I know whith kids who have Aspergers or HFA dxs seem to have autoimmune diseases. We once did a poll on hypothyroidism on one of my old forums and were shocked at the number of us on Synthroid.

+1

Fascinating! DS doesn't have a definite ASD Dx yet, but I have an autoimmune disease (MS). I had asked my MS specialist and DS's neuro and maybe his devel pedi if there was any possible relationship between my MS and DS's various issues ... since it struck me as a bit of a coincidence that my then-4y/o and I both saw neurologists--and they all said no. Based on the anecdotal evidence, sounds like further study might be warranted?

OP, I don't have advice for you but I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I can understand your concerns.

I find it very interesting as well because ASD is on the table for my LO in the list of more likely possibilities for dx (hopefully we'll get some answers soon). Add me to the tally of people with hypothyroidism.

Add me as well. Hypothyroid on meds since I was 7.

greyt00 · August 2014

hopecounts said:
Add me as well. Hypothyroid on meds since I was 7.

Ditto, same age even. My mom has it as well as her sister and mother.

thetwinkies&Vivi · August 2014

Autoimmune disease(s) here and likely ASD diagnosis for DD1.

Very interesting,indeed.

hopecounts · August 2014

-auntie- said:

hopecounts said:
Add me as well. Hypothyroid on meds since I was 7.

WOW!

I was 14.

One of the joys of Turner's Syndrome, the entire endocrine system generally sucks, I will likely develop type 2 diabetes eventually as well.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2014

ASD and autoimmune disease here too. Still fascinates me dd is the one on the spectrum when ds "should" be (more common in first born boys).

Unknown · August 2014

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ashpie623 · August 2014

-auntie- said:

ashpie623 said:

In reading these comments, again I have to express thanks because it has been a real challenge bearing the emotions and fear without a partner.

I hope you have people IRL who can be supportive and excited for you in this.

The baby's father is someone I dated briefly before becoming pregnant, and ended the relationship due to issues I now see as being linked to his Aspergers. I am very confident that he meets diagnostic criteria. That said, it might be a strategy of some sort on the part of his therapist that he has never been told this diagnosis.

This is a sticky situation. You really have to be careful in how you play this. I would suggest getting legal advice around how you want to procede.

Accusing him of being on spectrum will not endear you to the courts. It'll just make you seem like another lose cannon who is angry at a previous partner and cries foul. If I had a buck for every uncoupled person who accuses their ex of being bipolar, on spectrum or a sociopath, I could pay off my mortgage. And the sad thing is, many of them are spot on.

He wanted me to abort and pressed that issue for some time. I'm 4 months+ now and for the duration of the pregnancy I tried to be patient with our communication failings and his frustrating tendencies to see what potential there was for a relationship w my baby's father.

The timing sounds less than ideal. Babies happen on their own schedules. I would give him time to come around. Babies aren't "real" for many dads until they're actually here. He may step up, he may flake out. It'll be a while before you'll know what is going to happen.

He was deceitful and actively tried to hook up with other girls while we were dating, so I pretty much ex-communicated him. He also told several people things about me that made me feel attacked and disrespected, such as accusing me I setting this whole pregnancy up.

I get that every person with AS is different, but I don't know any this disloyal IRL. Most are pretty much rule-followers. I;m sorry you got hurt in all this.

Anyways I'm going into much detail but the point is, there are Aspergers issues and possibly asshole issues too as someone pointed out a possibility for how fun for me... I'm not worried at all that I can raise my child no matter what the struggles might be. I worried about having to share my parenting with someone I fear might not be equipped with the skills to do this.

The worried part is why you need a lawyer. You may not be able to limit or control his access and input. If you need child support, you may not be able to have his rights terminated even if he cooperates.

I believe he had a good heart but he behaves selfishly and can have quite the narrow perspective. I'm leaning towards getting the testing to perhaps help if a court dispute arises over custody in the future. I think a child with special needs might be given more careful attention by a judge when it comes to determining best interest of the child.

His rights as a parent trump those of a child. Unless he is downright abusive and neglectful, you can expect that his rights are identical to yours. I know a lot of women who have tried to make the case that being NT they were more capable of parenting decisions than their partner who is on spectrum; I don't know any who were actually successful at convincing a judge to give them sole custody and decision-making rights. This is especially true when the dad in question is independent and employed.

Thank you for this input! Really it is helpful. To address a couple points

My family is very supportive and his family takes great interest in getting to know me and express that they want to be involved in my and my baby's life. That is a great comfort. It's also making it challenging sometimes because the breakup with the father was only a couple weeks ago and I know it's not healthy for me and my stress level to see or talk with him for the time being. I'm sure this is what's best for the baby too since my body is the baby's environment and I need to avoid extra stress outside from my demanding schedule. I will be more calm and able to handle a business relationship type of interaction with the father once more time passes.

I agree that unfounded accusations against the father will not help, in court or in our lives more generally. I think my assessment of the situation is one I feel confident in because I am a doctoral student in clinical psych with a lot of training over the past 6 years working with severely disabled individuals. Having experience in forensic psychology specifically, I know child custody often involves psychological evals for each parent. I would request that this is done for each of us. Neither his therapist not mine can serve as an objective expert witness in those evals, so in that context it might not matter that his therapist hasn't communicated to the father a diagnosis. From sitting in a session with the father and his therapist, I believe it's likely that the therapist identifies in the father the very symptoms of Aspergers anyways, because we spent much time working around those related interpersonal skill deficits.

In terms of parenting with this person, I agree with most commenters that I have to be patient and wait to see what he demonstrates. That just sucks. I'm sorry to whine. I have a hard time accepting that so much of my future is this ambiguous that I don't even know how much time I will have with my baby. The only thing that helps is remembering that I have been through much harder things that have tested my willpower. Along those lines I want to share that I have a diagnosis of bipolar. I know that this and other diagnoses are used to villonize parents in custody cases. That scares me. I would never do the same to my baby's father. Rather, I'm realistically thinking about pragmatic issues that are already evident now and relate to parenting skills. Without going into a defense of my own sanity or potential parenting abilities, I will say that I confident my actions and lifestyle speak for my ability to manage my illness very effectively. I have a therapist and psychiatrist who both felt I am high functioning enough to not need medication during my pregnancy. My resilience was hard won and comes from a lot of personal work over my lifetime. Anyways, I'm still scared that I will be attacked for my own diagnosis. The father is a dog walker paid off the books, doesn't report income to the IRS, sells marijuana, has a hs education, a criminal record, and no assets to his name. His parents subsidize his life. In contrast, I am a phd student in clinical psych, I work with high risk offenders in psychiatric prisons, teach college courses, manage finances independent (since 18, I am now 27), and have no criminal record. Unfortunately none of this negates his parental rights though...

thefuturemrskudla · August 2014

typeset said:

-auntie- said: Anecdotally, a surprising number of moms I know whith kids who have Aspergers or HFA dxs seem to have autoimmune diseases. We once did a poll on hypothyroidism on one of my old forums and were shocked at the number of us on Synthroid.

+1

ashpie623 said:
In reading these comments, again I have to express thanks because it has been a real challenge bearing the emotions and fear without a partner. The baby's father is someone I dated briefly before becoming pregnant, and ended the relationship due to issues I now see as being linked to his Aspergers. I am very confident that he meets diagnostic criteria. That said, it might be a strategy of some sort on the part of his therapist that he has never been told this diagnosis. He wanted me to abort and pressed that issue for some time. I'm 4 months+ now and for the duration of the pregnancy I tried to be patient with our communication failings and his frustrating tendencies to see what potential there was for a relationship w my baby's father. He was deceitful and actively tried to hook up with other girls while we were dating, so I pretty much ex-communicated him. He also told several people things about me that made me feel attacked and disrespected, such as accusing me I setting this whole pregnancy up. Anyways I'm going into much detail but the point is, there are Aspergers issues and possibly asshole issues too as someone pointed out a possibility for how fun for me... I'm not worried at all that I can raise my child no matter what the struggles might be. I worried about having to share my parenting with someone I fear might not be equipped with the skills to do this. I believe he had a good heart but he behaves selfishly and can have quite the narrow perspective. I'm leaning towards getting the testing to perhaps help if a court dispute arises over custody in the future. I think a child with special needs might be given more careful attention by a judge when it comes to determining best interest of the child.

thefuturemrskudla · August 2014

You may want to think carefully about whether to name the father on the birth certificate. Putative fathers of children born out of wedlock have certain legal hurdles to clear prior to asserting any rights.

Micelle78 · August 2014

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the situation you are in and hope that you can keep positive people around you right now. Pregnancy is hard enough when it is going well and people that are supportive are in your life.

I am speaking also as a wife of a wonderful husband that has bipolar. I know that it is hard to put your dx out there (even in the internet world) because sometimes people see you now through that lens only and can be quite judgey. This board is totally not like that, they are so understanding and supportive. I am sure you know your own limits with/without meds. My DH can't stop taking his or it would be very very bad. I even worried a bit about his use of his meds on the outcome of the pregnancy-- obviously we have already had two kids. I think the meds probably affect more the mother than the father, but I am not a doctor so who knows. I do know that DH has family with a lot of neuro and autoimmune stuff and ASD is a comorbid. Even though DS is not dx'd ASD yet, he has a lot of red flags.

Please take care of yourself and enjoy the pregnancy. It is an amazing part of being a woman. Take pictures of yourself and read up on info about ASD's but unfortunately time is the only way to know if your child will have it or not. The same goes for bipolar. Even though DS is the happiest kid in the world-- says hello to E.V.E.R.Y.B.O.D.Y. I worry that he may develop bipolar as a tween which is when DH did. This would only complicate his life due to his current delays.

However, I am choosing to live more in the "now" than the what if. I am juggling real life right now and the realities of a 4 year old DS that is most likely on spectrum and a 16 month old DD and dragging DS to speech and OT therapy appointments weekly and struggling to get him to eat more than chicken, cheese, yogurt and cereal. I do not want to borrow trouble. In fact, I limit myself now to a maximum 2 hours a night reading this board, ASD research, speech delay activities (hello pintrest) and blogs of mom's of special needs. Google/internet can suck you in! LOL

ashpie623 · August 2014

I totally agree it's best to limit how much time I spend actively worrying about all the unknown factors of the future. It's difficult to redirect my thoughts away from stressors like custody and parenting when I'm trying to start planning. Thank god I do have a lot of supportive family. It will all work out because it has to, there's no other option. For now I'm just doing anything I can to keep a low stress level. Thank you so much for the support here

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