Particularly hard time right now...just venting

bumpuser10331514 · July 2014

I no longer want to divorce my husband (although when I discovered he used my towel to go swimming and it was therefore NOT dry for me to take to work for my workout, which required me to haul my ass upstairs to get a new towel before I was ready to get my son up, b/c daughter was not ready yet...I was ready for divorce again). Strangely, my digression is my point. I'm so tired. I am so tired that I feel like PMS x10. I come up with dozens of reasons to cry every morning, and even though none of them are substantive and I keep reminding myself I'm tired, I still want to cry.

Ever since going back to work 2 months ago, my DD has not been sleeping through the night. For a second, we had it figured out, but it's digressed a bit and so I'm still losing about 2-3 hours of sleep during my 7 hour window. My DS is also waking up every other night, seemingly due to nightmares or something that he's afraid of in his room (shadows, noise outside, or just excitement about cars). He takes a long time to get back to bed. There's a whole dramatic saga to the process of getting him back to bed that I'm just too tired to go into, but it's one of the reasons I have for divorcing my H. I'll just leave it at that.

The worst part is how I feel about my kids. I had in my mind before I was ever even pregnant that I would smother them with constant love and affection - like, over the top, covered in drool, slippery, fighting, "kiss"-was-my-first-word love and affection. I had some other expectations, too (independence, creativity, etc., etc.) and right now I feel like I am constantly just trying to get the tasks done that I need to get done and then quickly get them stowed away (i.e., playing on their own or napping), so I can get to the other things I have to do (i.e., make lunch, gather milk/milk stuffs, shower, eat breakfast, morning meeting, poop, etc.). I'm not trying to get laundry done or mop floors or take out trash. My 1-2 hours with the kids every morning b/t Tues and Fri are filled with just taking turns with each kid (I have to keep them separated b/c DS likes to hit DD) which makes me feel like I am not making time for either one. I spend time with DS and I feel bad that I'm not playing with DD. I spend time with DD and I feel like DS is being zombified by the TV (I wasn't even going to have a TV in the house back in my I'm-childless-but-know-exactly-how-kids-should-be-raised days). How do you get over the guilt of not spending 24/7 fully engaged with both kids!?! And how do you convince yourself that you are spending enough time with the kids and bathing them enough and helping them learn to speak and crawl, and getting their diapers changed often enough (how long is too long for a poopy diaper? I think it was a half hour once before I discovered DS's and now everytime I discover one, I have tremendous guilt if the poop doesn't come off his butt on the first swipe. God forbid if there's any diaper rash...). And then, of course, I just read an article about how parents' biggest failing is to not be confident. Thanks, assholes. I tell you, when you are sleep-deprived, it's hard to know the difference b/t confidence and being delusional about your parenting skills. And, because I need to say it, I haven't gotten to play with DD like I did with DS. I did all kinds of fun stuff with DS that have never once happened with DD. I've only gotten her to fall asleep on me twice (and OMG do I love that!). H has been struggling to bond with her b/c she's so difficult at night, which puts even more pressure on me to be her entire world.

So that's my vent. I probably should have shut my office door and taken a nap instead of writing all that. It would have done much more good, I think.

I appreciate in advance all suggestions, btw. I can tell you now that my H and I have no outside help and our income each month is 95% spoken for. I have asked my mom to come and help, but they're very far and it's very expensive for them to get here; plus, they have a full time job in taking care of their medical needs and appointments. I can't change my schedule b/c of financial constraints. I can't ask H for more than he's doing b/c he's got it worse than I do Tues-Fri. And weekends...weekends are a mix b/t wonderful and difficult, and always super busy. We get about 1-2 hours to ourselves before we have to go to bed. And sometimes not even that b/c of laundry or we got home late from a daytrip. We get 3 hours each morning to try and get in all the cleaning we want to do (and you have to do it or else the guilt that your kids are living in filth or not learning good habits is ridiculous). We don't try to do stuff outside of that. We try to do a movie night either Fri, Sat, or Sun night (just the two of us) and one other night is for other good grown-up activities.

Oh, and btw, let's not discuss how I'm venting all this to an anonymous message board instead of to my group of mom-friends over a mid-afternoon cup of coffee...:(

How do you capture that feeling that everything you're doing is enough, even if it means there's 1200 more items on your to-do list and about 100 of them are marked "URGENT"? Seriously. Do you think my bosses would mind if I just took a nap? I could pretend I'm pumping...

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I am going to tell you something I wish someone told me at 5 months post partum.

Please call your OB and discuss the possibility of PPD/PPA. I am saying this out of care, please know that.

bumpuser10331514 · July 2014

I appreciate the suggestion, but feeling overly guilty has been my MO even BC. And on the days that I do get sleep, I feel amazing.

bumpuser10331514 · July 2014

It's more just struggling in this place between no energy and no sleep, having more to do than ever before (we just bought a house, too, and are trying to iron out the issues we keep discovering), and - b/c of the kids - feeling like the stakes are higher than before. As real as PPD is, I think just struggling to be in this place at this time is real, too.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I mean, I hear ya. I said the same things. Looking back, I regret not at least having the talk with my doctor.

bumpuser10331514 · July 2014

Then I will do it. I happen to be seeing her on Monday, so no procrastinating.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

It doesn't hurt to talk. That's all you have to do.

And if she suggests some help, there is nothing wrong with that.

Mine was more PPA (anxiety) than PPD. I was so overwhelmed but just thought that was normal. My level of overwhelmed was beyond normal. I didn't recognize that until I was past the experience.

Not being honest with myself (not saying you aren't, btw) and not talking wigth my doctor is probably my one parenting mistake.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

But in the meantime, vent away. Sometimes it is easier to vent on here as opposed to your IRL friends.

bethann3181 · July 2014

SomebabiesMom said:

I think just struggling to be in this place at this time is real, too.

I agree with this. My two are older (2 and 4), and I can tell you that I still feel so many of the ways you write above. I do remember going back to work after DS2, and I was SO freaking overwhelmed. When I stopped pumping, and he got a little older, things got better for sure, but they still go in waves for me. What helped me was writing all my shot out on a piece of paper. It immediately alleviated a little pressure, getting it in front of me so I could really look at the issues, and try to tackle them. I would suggest this. Start using the 1-2-3 method (or any other discipline method) with your DS if he continues to hit your DD, so you can at least start being with them together, and not feel like you're always splitting time. Try to take one of two of the other issues and get a hold of them as best you can. Can you cut a small thing out of your budget (like extra channels on your cable plan) to hire a babysitter for 2 hours a weekend or something small like that?

My bottom line is, I don't have any outstanding advice, as my reality feels like yours too. I am a planner who likes to be in control with a perfectionist attitude, and you sound like that too. That makes the demands feel ever more crazy. Once you start getting sleep, you're life will improve 10 fold.

Hang in there, mama. You're not alone.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I do agree that once LO sleeps and you get sleep, it will help. My emotions tend to be more raw when I have no sleep.

aglenn · July 2014

Everyone has had great points already, and I too can relate to how you're feeling. Mine are 2 and 4 and I do get more sleep now, which helps a lot. My kids generally hate sleep though, so I don't get as much as I want/need, but it is better. I have also really learned that what helps me the most is showing compassion to myself, too. Rather than trying to not feel guilty or overwhelmed, which feels impossible, I try really hard in the tough moments to just pause, notice my feelings in a non-judgemental way ("I am feeling very frustrated," etc.) and show myself the kindness I would extend to my child or a friend. Sometimes that means walking away for a minute to grab a cup of tea, or asking DH to take over, or making time for yoga after the kids are in bed. Taking care of myself makes me a better and more present parent.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Can you find one place that, if clean, can be your zen?

My house can look like I am one laundry pile from being on Hoarders but if my sink is clean, I can chill.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

That's a good point. Are you nursing or can your DH handle the night feedings every couple of days?

When DS was a newborn, DH would take the late shift (he goes to bed later) and did the first wake-up. I wake up early. So I went to bed early and took the second wake up and the morning shift. That way we maximized our sleep.

litzo27 · August 2014

I thinks there is a whole lot of stuff going on in your post. I'm going to address one that jumped out at me - having to split your time between them and particularly having DS hit DD. I can't see your soggy and how old they are but to me that seems to be a big problem contributing to your stress. I would start working on that and getting them used to spending their time together vs. having their turn with you. My kids are 6, 3 and 6 months and most of our "play" time is spent together. Obviously when I'm putting baby or toddler down or nursing a distract able baby we have to separate (netflix is my best friend) and I do find some one on one time in the week for each of them, but the rest of the time it's MUCH easier that we can just hang out and play/read/draw/Change diapers without me running from one to another. What is the trigger of hitting?

Slb22 · August 2014

I don't have any advice in particular however in the middle of an ugly cry from being over tired with a four month old and trying to balance it all freak out earlier this week my sister in law said something that gave me some perspective. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method...this made me at least accept that what I was feeling ( overwhelmed, guilty, exhausted, short fuse) was completely normal.

Good luck as you sort through all of this.

bumpuser10331514 · August 2014

I think I have 3 basic problems to solve and then I have to let the rest go as paranoid, sleeplessness-aggravated aberrations:

1) Get DS to stop hitting DD so I don't have to keep them separated.

2) Get DD to sleep through the night.

3) Forgetting the guilt and figuring out how to get my H to bond with DD.

For #1, we've started implementing timeouts consistent with daycare. I haven't had to do one since Monday, but that's mostly b/c one has been sleeping or I've had them separated b/c I wasn't sitting down to watch them. But DS hasn't had any timeouts at DC and H hasn't had any problems. We'll see how the weekend goes.

For #2, we've been trying to move DD out of our room since the 4th of July, but have had various hangups. This weekend we're officially moving DS out of her room and his crib, onto his new twin bed in his room. More sleepless nights to come, but trying to be optimistic. DS has always been a champ with new things, so we'll see. After this weekend, then we'll move DD into the crib in her room. I expect that will be much harder.

#3 - is pretty tricky. A good portion of my guilt would be alleviated if I knew DD was spending more quality time with H the nights that I'm working. Maybe he and DD should do a father/daughter outing this weekend to bond. In fact, maybe each of us should take just one of them for an outing and get in some bonding time. We also normally "split" the kids while we run errands and H always takes DS. We'll switch that up this weekend. Letting him do a midnight meal would be good, too, but I've always been freaked out about how that impacts supply. I think also, H and I will make a Herculean effort to preserve those 2 hours we get at night to have downtime. I might also forego some chores this weekend to take a nap. Of course, if moving DS into his room doesn't go well, there will be no doubt that no chores will be getting done at all. It will be naptime in the SBM household.

Even if I get 2 out of 3 like @bethann3181 suggested, it'll be good.

Thanks everyone for your help and support. It really hit the spot. Creepy internet hugs and kisses to all of you! :-*

bumpuser10331514 · August 2014

Slb22 said:

I don't have any advice in particular however in the middle of an ugly cry from being over tired with a four month old and trying to balance it all freak out earlier this week my sister in law said something that gave me some perspective. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method...this made me at least accept that what I was feeling ( overwhelmed, guilty, exhausted, short fuse) was completely normal. Good luck as you sort through all of this.

It's funny. I actually just had this exact thought yesterday. And my immediate thought was, "I'm easy. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW, LO!!!"

Muffins_Mom · August 2014

Mostly lurker here, but...as the Type A mother of a now 8 year old DD, I can tell you that it DOES get better. They do eventually sleep through the night. My friends who have more than one tell me that they continue to fight, but you don't need to watch them like a hawk all the time. And DD8 now helps clean the house. It will get better, I promise.

jtmomma13 · August 2014

I am sorry you're having such a rough time and I happy for you that everyone's suggestions have helped you troubleshoot! I don't have much advice to offer as some days I feel exactly like you and I only have one. I also agree with @mrsmuq and just talk to your doctor a little- sometimes it helps to talk to someone.

When DS was born I had some major PPA and talking to my doctor helped as well as my cousin. But it was hard to talk to my other RL friends because it seemed like they had their shit together- which in reality I know that no one totally has their shit together!

I also think implementing daycare's time out tactics will be really helpful! That way his discipline is being consistent and he will know he can't get away with hitting at home or at daycare.

Good luck this weekend! Hope things keep looking up!

bumpuser10331514 · August 2014

I had a beautiful night of sleep last night. Still under 7 hours, but DD slept soundly for all but one midnight meal and DS slept through the whole night. I was also able to take them to DC early so I can get off early and be home for dinner with the fam and a movie with DH.

Short story: feeling so much better. Now to keep myself from going full-throttle with this new-found energy...

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Particularly hard time right now...just venting

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