Confessions

Jazibel · July 2014

Ok here it goes: air out your dirty laundry. Open up those creaky closets. It's time for a little heart to heart confession session.

**Please let's continue the spirit of understanding, open-mindedness and warmth that our board is known for :-)

2brides · July 2014

One of my kids came to my bed every night from 10m-3.5y old. I was too tired/lazy to sleep train during the middle of the night.

We did CIO with that same kid at 2y so he'd at least go to sleep on his own.

My kids eat McDonalds at least 1x/month. Sometimes, more often.

We don't buy organic. Not fruits. Not milk. Not meat.

My kids play electronics - iPods/3DS/Wii. Some days we limit their time more than others.

I had horrible post partum depression - but didn't know how bad it was until I was out of it. For awhile, I wanted nothing more than to run away from them.

I'm sure I have 1000 more...

JGY · July 2014

FYI to those not involved in the Parenting Check-In, we decided that a "Confessions" thread would be a really good idea, as many/most of us have some things that we've been silent about for a variety of reasons. We recognize that it often helps to know you're not alone.

So ...Oh, I'm sure I have a million. I'll start with a few easy ones:

I'm incredibly PRO exclusive bf'ing whenever possible and whenever it's the right choice for that family. We ended up combo feeding Gabe starting at about 2 1/2 months.

We have the TV on in the background about 80% of the time when we're home.

I love my kid, but I'm also incredibly relieved when he goes to sleep at 7:30pm.

I say "No" every.single.day.

I often have to physically wrestle with G to get him into his carseat. There are tears. It sucks.

We use disposable diapers more than I would like, which is fine, but sometimes we use them for no good reason (important to note that I have no issue with anyone using disposable diapers with their kids, but in our situation it's often out of sheer laziness when we're actively paying for a diaper service, and that's what I'm confessing).

We fully intended to try homeopathic and eastern medicine options to help deal with ear infections. We never did. We went straight to tubes.

I never EVER thought I would let my kid CIO. We now do a bit of it at some point just about every night.

That should start me off ... I'll be back.

2brides · July 2014

The thing about confessions is that one persons confession isn't necessarily another person's "dirty secret." Disposable diapers? yep. Used them (x2) for 3 years. Never crossed my mind to confess this - never even considered cloth.

Jazibel · July 2014

I'm going to jump in and then probably jump back. Why? Because I promised Kaden he could watch a show.

- I use media to entertain Kaden. Right after Owen was born I used tv shows and movies streaming from my laptop almost every day. I just needed some time and "shows" as he calls them entertained him. We've since cut way back, but I do use them maybe 1x per week now for 1/2hr. Except that we found out playcare at the gym has the tv on all the time.

- I love the huggies diapers our friends gave us. To be honest they work really well and feel nice and soft. Sure we'll go back to cloth diapers and "eco-disposable diapers" but I almost wish I could convince EV to use this brand for a while.

- Since Owen was born we have ordered take out, pizza, burgers and even fast food a lot. Way more than I thought we would. Kaden now calls any "sandwich-like" food a burger. Whoops

- I am addicted to my iPhone and am on it way too much. I am afraid Kaden and Owen will learn bad habits from me.

- My minivan looks like I let my kid eat every meal in there. When I clean it out about 1x a week I find old food, diapers, clean and dirty clothes, all manner of toys, plus all the grown up stuff. The next day it looks the same again. I sometimes get embarrassed when people see what a horrid mess it is.

-I ate sushi and turkey sandwiches while pregnant with Owen, on multiple occasions. Yummmm.

- When Kaden does something crazy I mutter under my breath "REALLY!?!". I have to stop because my guess is that he can hear me.

- I secretly don't want to go back to work. I mean I do (for me, the money and adult interaction). But I have a ton of anxiety about leaving my kids. I can't even talk about it. I feel so guilty to K & O if I have to leave them, and to EV and me if I don't get a job and we are broke. Ugh. Also my mind is playing crazy tricks on me about all my fears about childcare. I know it to be an insane exaggeration since I even provided childcare for a while and loved and cared for my "kids" as if they were my own.

- I have eaten some sort of sweet or dessert every day this week. Pretty much cancelling out going to the gym everyday.

- I am hoping that meeting her nephew in November will inspire EV to want to do reciprocal IVF.

- We did BLW, but Kaden never really took to it. I was making purees for the little girl I watched so Kaden eventually had purees too and loved them. He ate his hands a lot at least.

- I dread meal times because I am so tired of cleaning up the whole dining room afterward, including washing the walls.

- I love walking into a messy house. Mine isn't but I wish I could loosen up enough to live a little more "naturally" and not stress about straightening up.

doodah1013 · July 2014

1) I secretly am really enjoying being pregnant.... Sometimes I am afraid if I say this out loud, then it will make me less of a guy. But it is nice to be paid attention to, and I am utterly fascinated with the way bodies work, and although, I don't always feel comfortable with what is happening, it is completely worth it. Even with as sick as I have been, I feel like I am doing something really important and special... and I don't think I would trade the experience if I could.

On the day of our wedding, my Mom was less than interested in me... she was merely interested in the "bride". She cried when she saw A in her beautiful dress, but barely acknowledged that I had also gone out of my way to look really nice. It kind of hurt my feelings. So I am kind of enjoying being the center of attention for once... as long as people aren't telling me what to do and not to do. I have all kinds of mixed feelings about it...

2) I too have eaten sushi and turkey sandwiches during pregnancy. There was a time that I could literally eat NO PROTEIN... and one night sushi sounded good... so that happened.

3) I really want to have a natural childbirth, but am extremely terrified... and mostly want to do it for the same reasons I like to run long distances... which is just to say that I did.

JGY · July 2014

2brides said:

The thing about confessions is that one persons confession isn't necessarily another person's "dirty secret." Disposable diapers? yep. Used them (x2) for 3 years. Never crossed my mind to confess this - never even considered cloth.

Yes, exactly. My confessions are me admitting that I am not (or haven't been) able to do things the way that I specifically want to do them; pointing out where I've strayed from my "Goals."

ATXmommas · July 2014

I drank coffee every day while I was pregnant from 14 weeks forward.

I drank a glass of wine on my birthday when I was about 32 weeks pregnant.

Struggling in the romance and sex department too. When we are intimate, I feel relieved that I'm off the hook for a little while. I hate feeling that way.

Despite struggling with sleep, we haven't tried any sleep training - not due to any particular parenting philosophy, but because we're too lazy to follow through. I worry what this could mean for future parenting.

I don't read books to our son every day even though the pediatrician said to start reading to him every day around 6 months. He's more interested in eating the book and I justify it by thinking they read to him at day care.

My son typically gets no more than 2 baths a week.

I never went GF to see if that would help with Ash's ear infections. The nurse practitioner at the pediatrician's office dismissed the idea and that was enough for me to not even try.

Even though I love my nursing relationship with my son (now - I didn't always feel that way), I sometimes get annoyed/frustrated when I have to stop what I'm doing to feed him.

Although I'm not in the zero screen time before two camp, I would like to limit screen time, but I have a feeling we will rely on it more than I would like. Even now if the tv captures Ash's interest for a couple minutes on a Saturday morning, I sit back and enjoy a few sips of coffee while he's entertained.

My meeting is starting, so gotta go!

JGY · July 2014

stringy813 said:

Are these supposed to be about parenting/ttc? Cuz mine aren't, really.

1. I completely appreciate and love that this is a supportive board , but sometimes I think it needs more fun/dramatic (not in the ridiculous way) posts that are not baby-related. Aka some humor. And gifs. And love-tits. My self-worth is sometimes based on love-tits.

2. I often start to type replies on this board, and then delete them because I'm worried I'll offend someone because I am not at all up to date on PC language to the degree that I've seen it talked about here. I don't want to offend anyone in any way, but my brain just doesn't think that way.

3. I'd say on about 90% of days, I don't even remember/notice that I'm gay. It doesn't play a big part in my life (besides the fact that my SO is a woman) And I hope that M grows up not noticing that she lives in an "alternative" family - just that her family is what it is.

4. I really don't like pride celebrations and probably will never take M unless for some reason she asks.

I can only love tit this once, so sorry I can't help boost your self-worth there. But I would give you 3 out of 4 love tits if I could, only withholding for #4 because while I'm definitely heading in that direction, I still participate in basic pride celebrations. I agree with everything else.

JGY · July 2014

@atxmommas - yup, yup, and yup. Only difference is that we do read to him every night, but I guess my confession about that is that we really only started doing that in earnest because it was a part of the bedtime routine that we created for him once we decided that NOT doing anything about sleep training was harder than actually doing something.

But on that same subject ... we have a ridiculous number of books for G-man. Yet we really only read about 5 of them on a rotation, because they are the only ones that he will sit through.

Also, I confess that when he had some weirdo random illness on Monday evening, I took advantage of that fact that he was immobile in my lap, and read him 4 new books. Poor little dude.

2MamazInSeattle · July 2014

I am terrified of how impacted Simone will be by her trisomy X. I know the odds are well in our favor, but like a dummy I joined a FB group where the "outliers" post super scary stuff. Really bad teeth; constipation and intestinal issues; behavioral issues... ug! I'm scared she'll not be smart, and not in the way of "I don't want her to struggle" but in the way of "I always expected I'd have a smart kid like us" - which is dumb since we didn't use our own DNA! We have no idea what we're going to get.

I will love the crap out of her, but I get scared of her not being "normal."

J doesn't feel this way and I can't say too much about it to her because she is just all-in no matter what. I am too - but I still feel scared for Simone, and for my own judgement around it....

Danni_Girl · July 2014

Wait... you can't have turkey when you’re pregnant?! Is that just deli turkey meats, or does that mean having to skip turkey at Christmas? Because that would be horrible! It's bad enough you can’t/shouldn't have sushi when pregnant.

I'm not a mom yet, but I do have some confessions to add.

1. We let our dog sleep in bed with us. Thing is, she’s a 16lb Cock-a-poo who takes up the whole bed. I’ve been trying to get her to sleep in her bed, but she won’t stay there the whole night, and I’m too lazy to make her go and stay back in bed. I’m sure that’s going to kick me in the butt when we do have a kid running around.

2. I think CD’ing would be an awesome way to go, but I really don’t think it’s going to happen. Jo was more on board when I mentioned a diaper service, but I highly doubt there is one where we live. Plus I was reading up on it, and it seems like A LOT of work.

3. I feel like I started the whole ‘nesting’ process too soon to prep for a baby. Although I’m sure it will be good once we do have one. I did all kinds of painting and even wanted to clear out the room we want to use for the baby. But Jo won’t let me do anything major regarding a baby until we know we are pregnant. I always want to buy something too!!!

4. I tested once Monday night (just because), twice yesterday and again this morning to see if the faint positive I got yesterday morning was true. I freaked out last night because my breasts suddenly didn’t hurt like they have been, so I tested. And the line was darker than the last one I took Monday evening, and this morning’s line was darker than yesterdays. I’m still trying to stay grounded and not get too excited till I have the blood work done Friday.

5. I don’t like the thought that Jo is going to be the ‘fun’ parent and I’m going to be the ‘mean’ one.. Jo is very easy going, too easy going some times. And I know she’s going to let our kids get away with a lot.

StacyLH24 · July 2014

I feel like having only done 5 IUIs that it wasn't enough to justify moving to IVF when we did.

If we have a LO, my wish is to CD, EBF and have an unmedicated vaginal birth. CDing and EBFing are largely because of the money we would save, though I have always been pro BFing. I'm terrified that BFing and my "dream" birth will not happen and that it would make me less of a woman...though I would NEVER think that of another woman. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I did not grow up around babies and my experience with them is incredibly limited. I'm afraid I will not be a natural at being a Mom as a result.

Our house is a disaster (in my eyes) and we don't even have a LO. What will it look like if we do?

trisholio · July 2014

I

herbabymama said:
I asked for a QOTD on "romance" for parenting thread... because I'm really struggling in this department. I'm not even trying that hard. Last night K sexted me from our big bathtub and asked me to join her. I pretended not to see it and fell asleep because I was so tired!!!

This literally made me laugh out loud. I can totally relate to the lack of 'relations' or the energy to even think about it.

trisholio · July 2014

-Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing or what I have gotten myself into. We went thru tons of training to become foster parents, but none of it involved basic parent training. I know how to care for a child, but I have no clue how to raise one.

-I let M watch WAY to much tv during the day. I even take a nap in the morning while she watches some of her favorite shows and K naps.

- I have drank 1 beer on two separate occasions since being pregnant. I have also eaten lunch meat a few times too.

- I spend way too much time playing candy crush on my phone

- My favorite time of day is bedtime, the girls are asleep and I can finally relax

I am sure I could have many more and I agree with so many that you all have posted already!

Jazibel · July 2014

These three confessions are a little more on the serious note, and things I'm afraid I'll be judged for so I don't talk about them often.

- We had to re-home our dog of 8 years after Kaden was born. Lily was weimeraner and a rescue who had a hard start to her young life and a lot of anxiety. In her 8 years she destroyed nearly $15,000 worth or property if not more. Her anxiety increased 10 fold once the baby was born. We tried everything from behavioral therapy to drugs. The vet suggested we put her down because her anxiety was so severe he didn't foresee us overcoming it. She was to precious to us for us to consider it, though we talked about it. Finally after she snapped aggressively at Kaden we decided it was time to find another solution. We had been living on eggshells with her, and I was wreck, crying every time I left the house terrified as to what I might find when we returned. We even tried to take her in the car with us but she destroyed those as well. We went through a local agency and I was able to interview the new owner they found for her and make sure he knew of her challenges and assets. She is now living on a huge farm in Northern California as the companion of a retired guy. It's her dream life, and even though it was hard it was the right thing to do. But I feel guilty about it nonetheless.

- **TMI Warning**

-I drank a placenta smoothie a couple of times post-partum with Owen. I have nothing against eating placenta, I even learned how to encapsulate them from my midwife. However I never really wanted to consume my own, especially not in - gulp - raw form. But PPD was really intense in those first weeks. One week after Owen was born I had my MBA capstone presentation and defense and I was sobbing more hours a day than not. EV suggested and then finally strongly urged me to try the smoothie. I was terrified I'd choke up during my presentation/defense that I made a smoothie and lo and behold it actually worked. Another time (or two) when my emotions and feelings of sadness and overwhelm were too much I had another one. Never something I thought I'd do.

- We haven't vaccinated our kids. I'm not against others doing it and I see the merits. I myself am vaccinated and have received newer vaccinations when traveling abroad as appropriate for that destination. We plan on vaccinating Kaden and Owen closer to school age. Personally I just feel that its too powerful a medicine for such young bodies, again based on our research and what EV and felt was right for our kids. If we end up going the large daycare route we may have to change our plan.

KH826 · July 2014

I am afraid to talk too much about our feelings surrounding having a boy when we thought we were having (and had extensively prepared for) a girl for fear of being judged for approaching our baby prep and parenting in "too gendered a manner." The fact if the matter is that it feels like I was pregnant with one baby and delivered another. There is a disconnect there that I cannot explain and it has nothing to do with the fact that Will "has boy parts" as we like to say. The fact is that we were not team green, we had a feminine name, girl clothes and a girly nursery prepared. My son is amazing and I love him more than anything. I truly believe he was meant to be. I also believe that Lucie is meant to be, and it just wasn't her time to be born yet. We have 8 bins of "Lucie's stuff" in bins in our basement.

I have more, but it is Will's bath time, so I will have to come back later tonight to confess some more...

ATXmommas · July 2014

@stacylh24 - A.FREAKIN.MEN to your comment about being so hard on ourselves when we would never be that hard on other people.

@jazibel - I encapsulated my placenta. I would have totally had taken it raw, but I'm not a smoothie person and thought it would be easier to take in pill form.

@herbabymama - Ash rolled off the bed right in front of me one day. We have a low bed and he wasn't hurt, but I felt terrible. And, I was literally sitting inches a way from him.

More confessions -

I have lost some affection for my cats. I mean I do love them, but I have one cat who tends to pee and throw up on things (have tried medication in the past with no results) and the litter box drives me insane. I honestly think about how much life they have left in them - they are 11 and 12, so they could very well live another 8-10 years and that overwhelms me. And Bama gets way less attention than she needs and deserves these days. I feel terrible about it. It's nothing so serious that we need to find new homes for them, but I do feel guilty.

I find myself getting mad and irritated with Z a lot these days and I hate it. I'm a decision-maker at work and the decision-maker at home. Sometimes I need a break from being in charge of everything, but Z relies on me so much to take care of things and make decisions that I get overwhelmed at having to be the person in charge of everything all.the.time. And I'm not dealing with my emotions very well at times. I do recognize that the way I'm handling things is not healthy or productive and that's something, but I need to be better at putting what I know in my head into practice.

Sometimes I worry that I have taken on too much responsibility at work while our child and future child are so young. It's been one of those weeks that I feel like I can't give 100% to either my job or being a parent and it makes me feel like $hit on both fronts.

KH826 · July 2014

@stringy813 - I really have no interest in pride celebrations these days either. I don't know why.

@StacyLH24 - I also only did 5 IUIs before moving to IVF. I posted when I was newly pregnant about feeling guilt around feeling that I hadn't struggled enough to "earn my pregnancy" compared to other folks here. I realize now that is silly. Everyone's journey is unique and their's to own. There is no such thing as earning the chance to have a baby. It will be your time when it is your time.

Some more from me...

* My mother and sisters have made a big deal over the fact that Will is the first healthy boy born in our family in generations. My brother has severe special needs, my first cousin has achondroplasia (dwarfism), and my mother's first cousin has a son with autism. Those are the only boys on my mom's side of the family. All other children of my generation are girls and are healthy. Because they have made such a big deal out of it, now I am paranoid. I have no reason to believe that Will is not 100% healthy and developmentally "average" for lack of better words; however you bet your life I will be tracking developmental milestones like a hawk. I hate that I think about it so much.

* I went out of my way before our baby was born to talk to my family about not making a huge deal out of it if the baby happened to look a lot like me. I felt that my wife would be sensitive to that if they went on and on about it early on. I knew she was nervous about early bonding with baby and making sure that she was seen by everyone in our lives as an equal parent. Making a big deal out of baby's physical likeness to me might diminish that, and I just wanted my family (who can sometimes be insensitive) to be sensitive to that. Welllll, turns out Will resembles me quiet a bit. Especially if you look at my baby pictures. Also turns out i really like how much he looks like me (which I didn't expect), and I keep thinking about it but try to keep it to myself.

* my wife originally REALLY wanted to carry, but now she is unsure. Secretly, I really don't want her to. First of all, I really want being the carrying parent to be my role in our family. We have her last name, we are much closer to her family than mine, she is going to be a SAHM while I work.... I just feel like carrying our children is my contribution, and I selfishly don't want to share. Also, I feel like she would not be a good pregnant person. I fear she would not handle sickness and the aches and pains of pregnancy well. I also fear she would be miserable. She has a history of depression and is currently on meds that I don't think she could take while pregnant... So, all in all I just want to keep pregnancy as my role in our family, but I know that makes me a bad partner....

* IF my wife were to carry, I feel pretty strongly that I would want her to use our existing g frozen embryos and do partner IVF. I never expected that our IVF cycle would result in 10 frozen embryos, but now that we have them I feel that we should used as many of the as practical to build our family. We will likely have embryos left once we are done having children -- that is a whole other topic! One I am not ready to think about.... But I don't want to leave those embryos in the freezer and try IUIs with with my wife. I can't really articulate why. And I feel like this is selfish too...

* We don't have a lot of gay friends that we have kept in touch with post college. Most of our friends are straight. I feel guilty about this for so e reason, but also do not currently feel compelled to make more gay friends.

* I am super insecure and obsessed with my own body image. I have been my whole life. I am currently obsessed with losing baby weight (and TTC weight honestly). I am not comfy in my own skin, and I can't seem to stop making self deprecating comments about how fati am now. It really bothers my wife a lot. So now I just try to suppress it but I still think about it all the time.

* my wife is worried I will project my body image issues on our kids. I'm worried about that too. I need to work on it big time. I don't know how it is possible to see my child who closely resembles me and just see how beautiful and perfect he is... Then look at myself and not like a single thing I see. But that is my reality right now. Ugh!

mallory4284 · July 2014

@CrazyAunt84‌ I think the jealousy/resentment is normal.... At least that what I'm going with because I have the same feelings all the time. In the two and a half years we've been trying (with some breaks in between mind you) I've had 4(?) cousins have babies, 4 coworkers get pregnant, plus a butt-ton of "old" school friends that I have on Facebook that have had babies in the past couple of years ... Not to mention I work in a child development center so I see parents all around me everyday who come in and announce that they're expecting a new addition....

It's super hard and I confess that I wasn't able to get super happy for my cousins when I found out that they were expecting because I was jealous. (And the cherry on top of the cake... One of my cousins named her son our #1 boy name)

ball.and.chain · July 2014

stringy813 said:

Are these supposed to be about parenting/ttc? Cuz mine aren't, really.

1. I completely appreciate and love that this is a supportive board , but sometimes I think it needs more fun/dramatic (not in the ridiculous way) posts that are not baby-related. Aka some humor. And gifs. And love-tits. My self-worth is sometimes based on love-tits.

2. I often start to type replies on this board, and then delete them because I'm worried I'll offend someone because I am not at all up to date on PC language to the degree that I've seen it talked about here. I don't want to offend anyone in any way, but my brain just doesn't think that way.

3. I'd say on about 90% of days, I don't even remember/notice that I'm gay. It doesn't play a big part in my life (besides the fact that my SO is a woman) And I hope that M grows up not noticing that she lives in an "alternative" family - just that her family is what it is.

4. I really don't like pride celebrations and probably will never take M unless for some reason she asks.

I could have written all of this. We need to hang out.

ball.and.chain · July 2014

StacyLH24 said:

I did not grow up around babies and my experience with them is incredibly limited. I'm afraid I will not be a natural at being a Mom as a result. Our house is a disaster (in my eyes) and we don't even have a LO. What will it look like if we do?

YES and YES.

ball.and.chain · July 2014

I don't have much time but wanted to say that my son gave himself a hickey on his arm because I didn't feed him quickly enough.

I started pumping today and got about an ounce in two sessions (about 5 minutes each, both after a full feeding). Then I spilled some of it. Argh. Also, I think I might prefer pumping to bfing. Seriously. A machine. I'm a freak.

I don't drink soda often because it's not healthy, but I enjoy it. Since giving birth I am craving Coke all.the.time. I try not to indulge often for multiple reasons, but WTF?

CageyMack · July 2014

Oh, man, how have I missed this!

Wow. I can only start a few and I'll add later.

I love my iPhone and am addicted. I'm trying to quit. I hate the studies that say it makes the same parts of our brain fire as when we are with our loved ones, because I know it is true.

I am letting the 11 year old watch a marathon of My Little Pony. It is a horror.

I wish I could eat Totino's pizza all the time. Then they repulse me. Then I love them.

I sometimes throw things out when I could recycle them. Like things from the fridge, when I'm on a cleaning binge. I'm lazy like that.

My car is a pig pen.

I will sometimes go days without walking my dogs. They have a yard, but they get crazy/pathetic.

More later . . . I love these.

Himee33 · July 2014

*I only had 3 failed IUIs before we switched to IVF and now as we get ready to start IVF #2, I wish we would've skipped the IUIs all together and went straight to IVF.

*I have no desire to be a SAHM when we have a child. I've just never seen myself as one and if we could financially afford it, L would quit her job in a heartbeat and be a SAHM. That's one thing I love about her!

*I find myself getting irritated and annoyed at all my friends on FB that keep posting their baby news. I swear within the last month about 10 friends have either posted their announcements or ultrasound pictures. I also find myself getting annoyed with my straight friends that already have a toddler and announce their 2nd pregnancies. L keeps telling me I need to just let it go and eventually I do and give their status a "like" or "congrats" and I am honestly excited for them, but I'm still secretly annoyed

*L and I watch too much TV. We just have so many shows and find ourselves complaining when we have nothing to watch. I feel like we need a hobby. Some nights we just play cards. We even leave the TV on for our dog Milly when we aren't home. She watches the Disney Channel all day!

*I have been a professional nanny now for over 14 years and when I first started I always had infants. Even a couple sets of twins. I know what I like and what I don't like. I even have my favorite stroller and bottles all picked out along with other things and I have a hard time when L and I talk about these items because I feel like a "know it all," and tell her what I want to buy. She ends up getting upset. Well because L is having such a hard time feeling connected to this TTC process I told her she was in charge of picking out all the baby stuff, well almost all the stuff and she already picked out the stroller. Even though its not the one I love. I just smile and secretly pout

*I to am addicted to my Iphone. I'm not always on FB, sometimes I am actually doing something important. It drives L crazy when we are watching TV because sometimes I am on it and at night when we are going to bed I will still be on it. She says I don't love her like I do my phone. I get the "put your phone away and pay attention to me!" I've actually been getting better at not being on it so much, especially if we are out to dinner. I blame L for my addiction anyways. I was always a Blackberry user and when I met L she kept telling me that Zack Morris called and wanted his cell phone back. So its her fault I became addicted!

*

Amber&Reva · July 2014

Love this thread.

I didn't confess last night because R was sitting right beside me and she makes fun of me for bumping so I never post when she is around.

I have no excuse for it but R and I haven't had sex for almost a year. It started off with not wanting to around the same time as the IUIs and then not wanting to while I was pregnant and then it was just to much work to pursue intimacy.

I told myself after loosing Brynlee I would get in shape before trying again. I have probably put on at least 10 lbs since loosing her and haven't worked out once. I refuse to weigh myself because I used to have a lot of issues surrounding my weight and I am nervous to find out what I do weigh when I go back to the OB for my first appointment.

It makes me sad cause I know our future kid/kids will love R more then me because she is just so good with kids. I also get so frustrated with her because she doesn't seem to appreciate how much work it actually is to be pregnant and how crappy I feel in the first trimester. I thought she would be better about taking care of me this time around which she isn't. I am also still annoyed that last time she had me out shoveling large amounts of snow while pregnant that couldn't have possibly been good for me or baby. There would be days she told me to have the driveway shoveled before she got home from work.

Amber&Reva · July 2014

Oh I have another one R and I aren't married. It has happened a couple times on here that people refer to her as my wife and I don't correct them. Personally neither of us have any desire to be married. R thinks the only reason people get married is if they get some form of financial benefit. I just could care less about being married. However we may bite the bullet just so she has as much legal rights over this little one as possible. I just need to find out if we needed to be married when I conceived for that to be the case.

Himee33 · July 2014

@Amber&Reva The Intimacy thing is so hard when you are TTC. You go from feeling like crap with the medication, constant headache, tired all the time and bloated. Then you are in your TWW or just went through IVF and you have to wait, then you end up pregnant. For us when I finally do start feeling okay, we are tired from work. Ahhh!

I also never had the desire to get married. I didn't know what the big deal was and then I met L. Getting married was always her dream. I remember her telling me one day that I would eventually want to marry her. We decided to get civil union for medical insurance purposes because I didn't have insurance through my work and L did. Then in June we switched over our civil union to a marriage so L is able to be on the birth certificate.

JGY · July 2014

Popping back in for a few more serious ones:

No matter what I tell people, or how many times I tell S "Yeah, I know I know, it had to happen" I still absolutely do NOT accept that I HAD to have a c-section. I mean, I know that with how my labor progressed and what we tried and how stuck he was, I understand that it was the correct medical decision at the time. What I DON'T accept is that we tried everything that we could before then. I blame myself for all of it, from the position I allowed myself to sit in while working during my pregancy, to my lack of proactive work on getting him to switch sides in utero ... even to the positions that I used during labor. I'm so F-ing disappointed and pissed off and I don't think I will EVER get over it.

In the same vein, I am absolutely livid with myself for allowing the nurse in recovery to get me to use a nipple shield. I feel like it was the beginning of the end with our breastfeeding relationship and started the cascade downhill that led to G's failure to thrive.

When we were in the hospital after G's birth, I was honestly more concerned about the work that I had to finish than I was about breastfeeding and pumping for my kid. Talk about screwed up priorities.

I can't even go there with the sex and intimacy conversation. It makes me sad.

StacyLH24 · July 2014

@TwoMomsInTX - what a horrible thing for her to say! I'm so sorry.

I'm secretly glad that C doesn't want to ever carry. I want to be the one to do this and I hope beyond hope that I can. I would be 100% behind using her eggs, but I want to carry no matter what. She has no desire to carry or use her eggs. I wish she would agree to use her eggs if we needed to. I don't think she would make it through the IVF process though. I have dealt with a lot of pain and uncomfort over the past year that I know she would not handle well.

Karlamo · July 2014

Here's a few of mine...
1. Like other pp's mentioned I often write responses and delete them. One I feel like this board has a "core" group of regulars and it seems hard to break into that group. The second is I would like to respond to you all as I would IRL but worry that it doesn't fit with how others respond if that makes sense. For example when @KH826‌ had Will my first thought was " they must feel so lost and unprepared" but didn't want to say it out loud. Maybe I'll work more on saying what I think.

2. Induced lactation hasn't turned out like I planned. I thought my body would be producing gallons of milk. I thought I'd be a cow. I don't even know why I thought that other than I have high standards for myself. But really you have little to no control over how much milk your body makes. Instead I call myself the "snack mom". I make about 3oz a session. Some days more some less. Just not enough to feed him all on my own.

3. When R was born I had a bad two weeks adjusting to being a mom. It got ugly for 2 weeks and I still beat myself up over it. I expected to be on cloud 9 and instead I was obsessed with when I could sleep and how do I make him stop crying. He was the one I prayed for and cried over for almost 2 years and now that he was here I was shell shocked. Thank god it passed!

KH826 · July 2014

@karlamo - we WERE lost and unprepared. I am still processing my emotions over it, and continue to change and evolve my view point around the whole situation. At any rate, please say what you feel. Always. I can only speak for myself, but if it is about me you never need to filter (well, ok just don't be mean unless I deserve it lol)... But in all seriousness, I really like the supportiveness here, but I also value truthfulness and raw honesty. Please don't sensor yourself!

jocie626 · July 2014

Sorry its late but im really only posting bc I need to tell someone and why not my LGBT family as my wife calls it.

I secretly hate our donor. Hes my wife's gay best friend n a complete jerk. We got married Tuesday n he made that day about how miserable he is. He was supposed to donate 3 times starting Saturday of last weekend. He flaked out on us except Saturday night. Im secretly hoping she will let me go to the donor we picked at the cryobank now that she sees im right.

Sorry for the childish confession I just needed to tell someone.

JGY · July 2014

I have so many things I want to respond to today, but instead I'm taking the 3 minutes that I have to post these two confessions that I thought of. These are way more embarassing than the things I posted previously, but I hope that you all can find some humor in them as I now do:

1. On day 2 of Gabe's life (in the hospital), I was nursing him overnight while sitting up in bed. I was exhausted. I accidentally fell asleep, and he rolled out of my arms and face-first into the crack between the bed and the arm rail (thank GOD it was up). I was terrified and felt like the worst mother ever. When I admitted what had happened to the Pediatrician doing rounds, he scolded me for "Co-sleeping." I still haven't forgiven him. Or myself.

2. For the first I'd say, 6 weeks of Gabe's life, I completely forgot to wash behind his ears when giving him a bath. Considering how much I poked, prodded, kissed, hugged, and sniffed him, I seriously still can't believe I missed it. When I finally realized that this might be a necessary part of keeping him clean, I found a large patch of scaley, dirty, crust behind each ear. Again, I felt like the worst parent ever.

For those very new parents out there, G survived both events with no ill effects. Your kids will survive your mistakes too.

CageyMack · July 2014

@JGY - The same thing happened when I had my first baby, the 11 year old. It was seriously the most crusty stuff ever. But a long way from her heart, as my mom would say.

newmompeanut · July 2014

Oh man. I have some.

I, too, feel like I can't always word things the best and end up deleting the post that I had written for this board.

I really wanted to post when KH had Will that I was sorry that the baby wasn't a girl. I didn't, and still don't, know how to phrase it because I certainly am not sad that she had a boy!

N has fallen off our bed once on my watch. It was terrible. We have an incredibly high bed. (My dad made it and it fits laundry baskets underneath. So imagine the stack of laundry basket, box spring and then mattress. We actually have step stools to get into bed) When N fell it was during night three of little to know sleep. All I heard was the thud. She didn't even cry until I picked her up. She had to be assessed for a concussion.

I feel like I don't have as much "right" commenting on ttc. My journey to conceiving N was very easy and was actually a one time thing with my XH. I feel guilty when people tell me about their struggles because I can't relate.

B really wants to carry the next child and I feel incredibly sad that I won't get another chance to carry.

I had a really rough pregnancy with N because of the separation from XH, dating B, moving, and the divorce so much so that I never really stopped to enjoy my pregnancy.

Some days I am afraid that B is still with me because she knows if she leaves me she will lose N.

We have also been struggling on the intimacy too. Because of things that have happened in my past I put a lot of emphasis on sexual things. The lack of intimacy makes me nervous that our relationship is struggling.

Cloth Diapering was never even on my radar.

One of my mom friends from daycare's LO is also 18 months and she's not crawling or walking at all yet. I don't know how to bring it up that maybe the LO needs help without offending the mom.

I absolutely hate shared custody. I try to paint a good picture that it's not that bad because it gives me me-time, but I'd give up all my me-time to have N more.

Writing the last confession literally made me cry at work.

Jazibel · July 2014

@newmompeanut - sending you virtual hugs

Confessions

Re: Confessions

I'm 35, DW is 33
Together since Dec 2007
Married since 18 June 2011

TTC #1
1st IUI - trigger, 9 July 14 at midnight, IUI - 11 July 14 at noon - BFP!!
10 Dec 14 - Lost our Baby Girl to Hydrops & Cycstic Hygroma due to Turner Syndrome
TTC #2
2nd IUI - hoping to try for our Rainbow in the Spring

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Confessions

Re: Confessions

I'm 35, DW is 33Together since Dec 2007Married since 18 June 2011

TTC #11st IUI - trigger, 9 July 14 at midnight, IUI - 11 July 14 at noon - BFP!!10 Dec 14 - Lost our Baby Girl to Hydrops & Cycstic Hygroma due to Turner SyndromeTTC #22nd IUI - hoping to try for our Rainbow in the Spring

Choose Another Board

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I'm 35, DW is 33
Together since Dec 2007
Married since 18 June 2011

TTC #1
1st IUI - trigger, 9 July 14 at midnight, IUI - 11 July 14 at noon - BFP!!
10 Dec 14 - Lost our Baby Girl to Hydrops & Cycstic Hygroma due to Turner Syndrome
TTC #2
2nd IUI - hoping to try for our Rainbow in the Spring